Last night she kept asking why I was acting weird etc, getting upset because i was avoiding her etc, that this is serious and I was forced into showing my hand. Its hard to act normally in these circumstances and she was piecing everything together.
When the kids were in bed I showed her the exported text messages and asked her whats been going on. I said I have read every message on her phone so tell me everything. I asked her a million questions calmly to get everything I could out of her. The affair started just before the i love you but im not in love with you thing, and continued for about 5 months until he stopped it, she claims she gave him a 'leave now or never' because she knew he wouldn't and it would end things, which she claims she wanted. She slept with him several times over the 5 months but claims never wanted to leave me, just got dragged into it as our relationship wasn't great. Of course, actions not words springs to mind.
I said to her ive given you crap excuses since i found out to give myself some time to think about things and decide what to do. I said logically I should kick you out now and end it, thatch what most would do and probably the right thing to do. But I feel like I can give you another chance as we have a long history if you understand I want passwords to every email, site, phone, everything and I will find it hard to ever trust you again. I will check on you and question you whenever i want and if you put up any resistance its over, if i see any sign your hiding something its over, or if things arent returning to the good relationship i want it to be its over.
She cried and said she doesn't want to lose me its all a mistake etc and she wants use to stay married forever, and she already had valentines day plans for us, but of course after 5 months of being unfaithful, she says this almost certainly because her branch swing failed. She says its over but that was only 2 weeks ago, usually that means it might start up again but im sure she wouldnt dare try now and i believe her that it really has ended..
Now whats left to do is read everything about divorce, decide how long to stay, decide whether i will start meeting other women without her knowing and pull the trigger at the right time. Whats clear is things can never go back to what they were, so im just trying to get best i can out of the situation.
Thanks for all the comments and help on this post and last, its really appreciated during this tough time.