5' 6", 175 lbs, 22% BF.
BP 135, Squat 185, DL 225.
Weight training x3 a week, Cardio session x3 a week (total of 6 workouts a week); workouts typically around one hour each
Married less than half a year, no kids or pets
Why am I here?
Before continuing, I subscribe to the "hindsight's 20-20" and "you should've never married her" responses. This post is me recognizing my mistakes and correcting myself for the future, with or without her. Now to my background:
Several months before our wedding, my wife had started an emotional affair with an old friend halfway across the world. This included flirting, secret/deleted messages, sexting, etc. Confronted a few times, naturally did not get anywhere and she just became more careful of hiding her tracks. I then went online to search for help and came across products that, while marketed like any other "save your marriage" products ("discover the best way to attract women you desire," "become a better man", "build these X things to have a successful marriage", etc.), all boiled down to one central mantra:
- I am responsible for what I deserve and get in life.
This brought me to change my approach from "I need to save this marriage" to "I need to fix myself" since, whether or not my marriage survives, if I have not owned up to my mistakes and beta behavior in the past, I will experience the same thing again and again, whether it is with my wife or with a new partner.
In pursuit of fixing myself, I had discovered first TheRedPill subreddit, from which I found AskMRP and MarriedRedPill and all the gems their sidebars had to offer.
Where am I now?
To date, I've read NMMNG, a summary of MMSLP, The Book of Pook, and am about to start WISNIFG. I am currently employing Passive Dread in my marriage. I am currently in the 1-2 phase and will be moving onto 3 early next month. I plan on escalating a level each month until July/August (which would be 8 or 9, respectively). At this point, given the emotional cheating on my wife's end and the blue pill behavior I had embodied well before our marriage on my end, I intend to either stay (if the marriage has truly improved) or next my wife (if the emotional cheating still continues, which make my decision a no-brainer).
Why do I not next my wife now?
Again, hindsight is 20-20 and I own up to the mistake of digging myself into a hole. There are two reasons I chose to tough it out for a little more than half a year before filing papers:
I am in a financial situation where leaving now guarantees homelessness and bankruptcy due to existing debts (2/3 of these were from before our marriage). I have begun making adjustments to our finances and my career to be able to financially support myself post-divorce. And no, I do not have family I can rely on to help me get back on my feet.
Home is currently a safe place for me to improve myself and avoid falling into the same issues again in the future, whether or not my wife ultimately remains a part of it or not.
What challenges do I face right now?
- Career/Finances - While I am in a decent job currently, it does not generate enough income as is required to live upon and keep ahead of my existing debt. I am working with recruiters to transition into a much higher paying job (20-30% increase in pay) and will likely get it within a month or two given relatively low unemployment and the marketability of my skillset.
I recognize some people delay their plans to separate because of financial burden; are there any pointers I could keep in mind to help overcome that burden sooner than later?
- Comfort/Shit Tests - Originally, I thought I may have been in a Main Event situation, but given how early I am in my process, I doubt it. Currently, my wife expresses intentions to visit her home country, which is where the man involved in the emotional affair lives. After our last confrontation on her emotional cheating (which involved the expected crying, "I'm sorry/embarrassed," "I can't seem to stop," etc.), she asked if she could still go a few days afterwards. I gave her a flat, direct "No, that is the last thing that should happen now."
Naturally, she became upset and started acting colder and less like a loving wife (though there was no hostility or yelling like some previous confrontations had). At first, I considered whether or not this was "standing up for myself and my boundaries" or "mate guarding" and did think about going back on my "no." However, over the next few days, the following things happened as I stood my ground on the "no":
- She resumed being "caring" to me, offering me ice cream bars, cooking solid meals for our dinners, expressing concern with a sprain I recently got while exercising, etc. Standard wife behavior.
- She began to say she still "cares/loves/respects/misses" me, but is still upset. (I took this with a grain of salt.)
- When I pull her in to hold her, kiss, spoon her, etc, she initially says "I'm still upset," but does no longer consistently resists/objects and sometimes reciprocates.
Is this an early sign of dread working? If so, given this is just 1-2, I'd be excited to see what higher levels accomplish. And, am I recognizing this properly as a test and handling it accordingly? Or, am I missing the point and need to adjust myself?
- Excuses - Am I making excuses for not pulling out papers now? As I type my reasons for not ending the marriage now, they seem to be legitimate points. However, I may very well be just making excuses and would love advice on to overcome what I'm treating as obstacles.
Thanks for taking the time to read. Kick my ass as much as needed to get me on the right track if I'm missing the point, or kick my ass for questioning the power of MRP and Dread.