"Permission" or "Order" to do what you were going to do anyway

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January 9, 2019

If any of you guys encounter this, how do you play it? My old lady is always giving me "permission" to do things I am going to do anyway or giving me "orders" to do things I'm going to do anyway.

For example, in my household, I'm the one that rolls out the trash late Sunday night for garbage day on Monday. But at times she'll give me a command to do it when it's about time that I'm going to do it anyway. Most recently, I didn't even look up from what I was doing and in a tone like I was only half paying attention said "Yeah, I am going to do that but not right now."

We went to a school event and there was a table of refreshments that included cookies. Apropos of nothing, she says to me "It's ok. You can have a cookie." I didn't react and acted like I didn't even hear her but I was thinking "Are you fucking kidding me? You're giving me permission to have a cookie." I didn't have any cookies.

I realize these are pretty innocuous examples, but they are more easily explained than some more significant examples, but she does this all the time. If it was something important, then I would do it anyway, regardless of what she says, and I would make clear to her, if needed, that I don't take orders from her or need her permission. But it is less clear how to respond to the day in and day out mundane shit where this happens. Often, the thing itself is not so important as setting the right tone. But as far as being in my frame instead of her, it gets to be a chicken or the egg thing where she gives me permission to do something that I am about to do on my own.

If I say "fuck no" to something I was about to do anyway, am I in her frame or mine? "Fuck you bitch, I'LL decide if I have a cookie" doesn't really feel like maintaining frame. On the other hand, having a cookie or rolling out the garbage without a word after one of these instances doesn't seem to set the right tone either. I understand the overall concepts of frame, but what suggestions do you have about applying them tactically?

Post Information
Title "Permission" or "Order" to do what you were going to do anyway
Author Skeeter_onmyPeter
Upvotes 9
Comments 25
Date 09 January 2019 12:45 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203686
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/ae15pd/permission_or_order_to_do_what_you_were_going_to/
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Red Pill terms found in post:

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like the “I’m pretty shit test” section about it in mmslp. Go fetch me this or do that because I’m a princess.. and you happily do it like a faggot. She loses attraction.

It’s subtle, but very telling about the power dynamic between you two. She owns you. She frames herself as the alpha and you as the fetch boy (Beta). You all up in her frame.

You need to take the lead. Start ordering her around. Tell her to make a specific dinner for you tonight, tell her suck your dick, tell her that you decided that we’re going out to this place this weekend, tell her that you decided that you’ll let her make the decision about the color of the curtains she wants, etc.. ass slap walk away.

Start framing everything as if you’re in control.

Why are you waiting for the last second to take out the trash? Maybe she feelz the need to remind you or you’ll forget?

Have you been a drunk captain ?

[–]FeralRed5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

What she says DOES NOT MATTER.

Regardless of whether it was what you were going to do or not.

The simple fact that you're bothered by anything she says is the real issue.

Do You.

She's a little 5 yr old girl commanding her tea party teddy bear. It's cute. That's all. You're giving her words teeth. Dont do that, you're shooting yourself in the dick. She's cute. It's funny. That's all. Period.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Because it's all small stuff.

You following your MAP? That's all that matters.

What she says DOES NOT MATTER.

[–]SeamusAwl[🍰] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

"It's ok. You can have a cookie."

Thanks Mommy, can I have milk too?

I would make clear to her, if needed, that I don't take orders from her or need her permission.

Why? Just joke around with her. Call her mommy now, and then tell her you will make her call you daddy later (when said with a grin).

"Fuck you bitch, I'LL decide if I have a cookie" doesn't really feel like maintaining frame.

Because its not. You called that correctly. I find AA is best in this circumstance. And never respond emotionally.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is the answer. What would OP do if his 3-year old daughter told him it was ok to have a cookie? He'd (hopefully) smile and pat her on the head and say, "Thank you, sweetie. That's very nice of you to offer."

Wife says, "Don't forget to take out the trash," you wink and say, "Oh I got ALL the trash right here," or something similarly retarded, but in a flirty way. Taking that shit seriously gives it power.

[–]CaliEd2563 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agree with all. AA it all the way. Maintains frame, avoids butt hurt. Just be prepared for the shit tests to increase the more she realizes you aren’t on her leash anymore.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She knows when and how you do things. I bet she thinks she has you all figured out by her woman intuition, and that's not good. If she thinks she has you all figured out then you have zero leverage in a conversation.

Be proactive and make some sweeping changes that put her off guard. Your lifting I assume? Start a new diet with weird restrictions that shes unaware of. Keto or intermittent fasting or something. Go to the gym at a different times. You brainstorm. Have fun with it.

Get past this with action NOT with words.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, you are in her frame as evidenced by her and your behavior. I think you have identified that though which is a good first step.

I understand the overall concepts of frame, but what suggestions do you have about applying them tactically?

Give less fucks.

[–]DancesWithPugs1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Next time she gives a command or "allows" you like a child, try something like this: Walk up to her with a big grin, "oh, you think you're in charge?" then follow it up with physical teasing, manhandling and some spanks. Hopefully she will go with it and not have a 'how dare you' attitude, as if her son did sonething innappropriate.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is pretty good. Throw in some tickling maybe, if she's into that (or better if she's not). If he gets "how dare you" from that then he's not letting on how bad his situation is.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

A little bit if playful sarcasm goes a long way....if you’re not an unattractive drunk captain.

[–]Redpillbrigade171 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Mistakes and fork in the road happened years ago when you slowly started to accept this kind of treatment. You’re a pussy whipped beta and she knows it. You get butthurt now you’ll seem even more of a beta and angry boy. Congratulations, she’s your mommy.

Take 5 steps back, think long and hard about what your masculine nature means to you, then go live it. Slowly and deliberately work your way out of this whole. Build your sound frame and fight for it with tour life. That’s your battle, not squabbles and annoyances like this with your wife. If you do it right the verbal come-backs to stupid shit like this she says will come naturally, and from that cool place of amused mastery.

Good luck boy.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Stats ?? Body fat ?

Do you lift ? Are you sore from each work out ?

Walk on over to the main sub and work this out in OYS

It’s import to stand back and realize, what is it that is promoting this ?

What in your past failures, keeps this behavior repeating itself ? Before you DEER the fuck out of me, or anyone else, shoot your fucking ego and seriously ask yourself, do you live as a single man would, planning his own life, being active in it, or is she your momma ? Or, are you allowing her the raise you, with your kids ?

Frame. Mission. OI.

Hey bro, do you lift ?

[–]Tbonesupreme0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Are you saying he should be sore after every workout, bro?

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He certainly should be feeling it.

I did arms, shoulders, traps and wrists last night. I’m sore as fuck.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your post made my day. It was like sitcom material. I know you didn’t mean for it to be funny, but all good humor has a bit of truth in it. I don’t have any great gems of wisdom to offer, but if this is the worst it gets, I’m guessing you can gently, and with a bit of humor and persistence assert yourself as the head of the household. Good luck, cheers.

[–]mrpthrowa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If it gets too much, you can AM flip the table on her:

"Should I wipe when I shit too?"?


"Okay mom"

You have to deliver this when an amused grin, not butthurt.

[–]Kpwn880 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Ok, mommy. Thanks, mommy!"

[–]TheThirdT0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you are going to do something, you do it. It shouldn't matter what anyone else says about it. For me if my wife reminds me to do something I was planning on doing, I thank her for the reminder and do the task as my planning allows. The cookie thing could be handled with some AA or AM.

If you are reacting to your wife then you are in her frame. You seem to be very angry and reactive. Is that how you see things?

Is there some history of you lacking discipline to complete tasks or maintain a healthy diet?

[–]Tbonesupreme0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My wife tries this shit every now and then. Early on, I used to respond with the look you'd give a friend if he asked to borrow $10,000. The "bitch, please" look. And I'd say, "I do what I want."

At this point, when she tells me to do something, I just start laughing, and then she tries to mock my deep voice and says, "I do what I want." Then she will find her most pleasant language to make a request. She very rarely needs to ask me to do anything, though, because I'm an adult. When shit needs to be done that I consider my responsibility, I do it. If it's outside of my realm, she fully understands that it's a favor, and needs to be requested that way. I think sometimes, she just needs to be reminded. I'm lucky that laughing at her ridiculousness is all that it takes.

If she's treating you like her "helper" for housework, or mommy's assistant, then you're doing everything wrong. Delegating upward is poor behavior that is easily addressed. If she's delegating to a subordinate, that means you're her bitch.

[–]GroundbreakingDevil0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do you have kids, or young nieces or nephews?

When she does this, imagine her as a little girl in pigtails acting like a stern parent. Laughable, right?

How would you react to your headstrong six year old trying to Mommy you?

Alternately (if you have the confidence to turn it sexual), how would you react to a barely dressed, bratty 19 year old slut?

She is what she is, and she's behaving like this because you trained her to, so don't take it personal or hold it against her. Kill the butthurt, then have some fun fucking with her.

[–]Cam_Winston210 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

We went to a school event and there was a table of refreshments that included cookies. Apropos of nothing, she says to me "It's ok. You can have a cookie."

Reminds me of one time when my wife said something along the lines of "if ________ goes well, you may just get lucky tonight".

Me: "I like this world you're living in where I'm still the lucky one".

She was obviously surprised. Then tried to chuckle it off. Then said "listen at you, Mr. Cocky......[subject change]". She had no idea what to do with a response that didn't go in line with a lifetime of hearing that men "get lucky".

Haven't heard that phrase since.

In my case, humor, fogging or AA does the job for most circumstances. Especially humor. YMMV.

[–]3legsbetter0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am stealing this line next chance I get.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I found when I started owning my shit around the house that needed to get done, this stopped almost immediately. It's NOT ABOUT THE TRASH. If it needs to be done - get it done, don't wait for it. If it's Sunday - go take down the trash at 5PM... did you miss a day in the past? Did you 'forget' ever? Sounds like your wife has contempt for you and holds the power (because it sounds very similar to how my wife was).

Where I was 'lazy' now I 'don't sit down'. 'Sleep too much' to 'it's not normal you sleep so little'. Be busy... I go find stuff to do around the house just because I need something to do. Dishes in the sink? I do them... 70% of the time she comes in and starts helping

On the cookie - are you actively fixing your diet and trying to look better? My wife says things like this sometimes "you could have one cookie - it won't kill you, the kids made them". Did you want a cookie and then she said something and you didn't take it? That's in her frame too. If you really are owning everything and she says this AA it or ignore it and do it anyways. I don't think this is even really worth responding to or acknowledging.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

IMO it's less about coming up with the right "tactical" response (i.e. the "right" thing to say or not say) as it is about working internally on how it makes you feel and what that triggers in you. You *feel* belittled by her comments, that's the problem. You are letting her "make" you feel a certain way. That's what you need to nip in the bud. Without doing that, tactics don't matter. For example, say I told you to respond with "Oh, really, I can have a cookie?" The problem is that this response could be delivered in totally different ways -- it could be done in a smug, confident, nonchalant sort of way that suggest you find it a little amusing that she is talking as though she can "permit" you to have one but are not bothered by it, or the exact same words could be delivered in a butthurt way that shows she is actually in control and you are using feeble sarcasm as a defense.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

"It's ok. You can have a cookie." I didn't react and acted like I didn't even hear her but I was thinking "Are you fucking kidding me? You're giving me permission to have a cookie." I didn't have any cookies.

I'm wondering if, in regard to the cookie thing, she wasn't trying to seize control, but, rather, trying to just let you know that it's not a big crime for you to indulge yourself. IOW, "Don't worry about your diet-it's OK to let loose every now and then."

Same on the other stuff: The trash thing may just be her being efficient. Sounds like you're being a bit too harsh and defensive.

Cut her a little slack. I won't go into my boring anecdotes, but, I had a lot of experiences like this, and I thank God that I kept my mouth shut, because the chick was on my side rather than trying to fuck me over.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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