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Repairing and Strengthening My Frame from a Recent Fuck Up

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January 4, 2019
9 upvotes

I’m having a little trouble assessing my frame control (or lack there of) in a recent situation with my wife. I believe I handled some of this situation well, and some of it poorly. I’m telling this story only to get information to grow and learn. You opinions and advice are much welcome.

I’m 41. 6’1” tall, 225 lbs. Bench 335, squat 385, dead lift 395. Wife is 42, in great shape and attractive.

A LITTLE BACKGROUND

My wife doesn’t do well around the holidays (Christmas / New Years), and never has. She tends to emotionally withdraw and becomes confrontational about 50% of the time, and seems to be “in the spirit” the other 50% of the time. She totally owns it too and doesn’t apologize for it. Most of the time, I am able to hold frame and not let it bother me. I do my best to have fun with my kids and our extended families. However, sometimes she acts like a bitchy child and acts up, especially when we have a pre-planned family function.

We had a family dinner function for my family that lives about two hours away, planned just a few days before Christmas. The days prior, my wife was looking forward to going. She was pumping up the kids and was preparing to make a few deserts to take. However, the morning of the function she turned back into Scrooge and was bitching about going and acting like a big baby. We got into a brief argument about it and it ended with me saying, “I’m going and taking the kids. You are welcome to attend or stay home… I don’t really care.” She ended up going and acting like a giant child the whole time, being disconnected and stonewalling. I went, had a great time, and so did our kids.

We got home and a fight broke out about it. I nuked the shit test and went to bed. The next day, we had some really hot passionate sex (multiple times). Christmas (on a Tuesday this past year) came and went. The following Friday night we had some loose plans to go out. I was at the gym after work and she texted me and said we got a last minute invitation from this other couple we are friends with to go for drinks and dinner. I told her sure… sounds like fun.

Here’s where it goes south and I know I broke frame… That night, we drank quite a bit before, at, and after dinner. We got an Uber home and were getting ready for bed. I initiated sex and got shut down hard. Normally, I would have just went to bed, but being a little drunk I blew up like a child and she went off the deep end. The next couple of days, she started her drama about the whole thing and stonewalled the shit out of me. I tried to make amends by owning my shit, but she was still pissed. She tried to draw me into more arguments by saying that we need to work on this issue and that she wasn’t happy with the relationship. Perfect example here of a woman’s solipsism in that she hamstered her way into spinning this as my fault (which it kind of was) and that I’ve “always been an asshole” and “I’m not happy today” and “What have you done for me lately?” She actually said all those things in a round about way.

Admittedly we, have had this problem with drinking and me blowing up like a needy prick in the moment a few times in the past. Not a huge history of it, but it has happened. So, I let her sit with it (along with myself). We had plans to go out New Years Eve. She came to me on Sunday night, acting like a bitch again, shit testing and picking a fight. I nuked it again. New Years Eve came and we went out, and both had a great time. I know my wife enjoyed herself, because she is the worst faker of having fun and being engaged in the world. She can’t fake anything when it comes to having fun. If she is not having fun, it’s clear and evident. We were out super late Monday night (New Years Eve) and came home and went to bed. Got up New Years Day (Tuesday), and I initiate sex and get shut down. I let it roll off, got up, and showered and went and enjoyed my day.

Wednesday rolls around. I initiate sex again early in the evening just after the kids were off to bed and am shut down hard. I laugh it off and go about my business. Last night (Thursday) comes. Normal night with the kids and their activities. I take our oldest daughter and drop her off at basketball practice at 7 pm (have to return to get her at 9 pm). I come home, sit with the wife and kids and watch a little TV. She starts getting the other kids (we have a total of four) ready for bed, and I go back out to get my oldest at basketball practice. I return a little after 9:15, and my daughter heads off to shower and go to bed. Here is what I want the opinion of…

PROBLEM

After my daughter heads off to bed, my wife is sitting on the couch in her usual spot. We usually sit beside each other and watch our DVR TV shows that we normally watch together. On a typical night like this, we watch TV, hold hands, cuddle up, and it usually leads to sex about two to three nights per week. However, last night she has this look on her face and was sitting there acting like she had a cold. I asked her if she was ok (in the context of believing she was coming down with a cold, since two of our kids have one currently), and she said with a quick and stern, “I’m fine, I’m fine”. I actually got a little amused and kissed her on the cheek and said ok baby and proceeded to sit with her and watch TV. She continued to act as if she had a cold and got a tissue. I then stated again that I believed she didn’t feel good and suggested that she go off to bed if she didn’t feel well. She said in a bitchy tone, “No, I’m going to spend time with you.” It almost seemed forced. Like I said in an earlier paragraph, she doesn’t fake well. I told her, “look, do what you want, but I’m going to watch TV.” She then stated, “I just don’t want a blow up like the other night and frankly, I’m expecting it.” She told me that she didn’t like me initiating sex the night before and didn’t like the timing of me coming on to her the night before because the “kids were still up and not asleep yet.” I chuckled and said, “Ok… I did nothing wrong, and I’m not going to apologize for wanting my sexy ass wife.” Then I STFU and proceeded to watch TV. She ended up staying there almost two hours and we had a normal conversation and watched our shows. No sex after that.

I’m not sure how last night’s interaction went. I really don’t care in the long run about her shit fits, because I know she will come around. Although, this time she is taking longer than usual, and I'm disappointed with my recent behavior (as I should be). She usually comes back around after a couple of days, but it’s been four or five so far. My goal is to maintain frame and lead, and it will be her choice when to come around.


Post Information
Title Repairing and Strengthening My Frame from a Recent Fuck Up
Author dll142
Upvotes 9
Comments 31
Date 04 January 2019 03:04 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203698
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/aciysn/repairing_and_strengthening_my_frame_from_a/
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Comments

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

I really don’t care in the long run about her shit fits

This is untrue. You care way to much.

Getting that drunk is a demonstration of low value. Very low value.

The alcohol is what you had to drink to allow yourself to be a bitch. This wouldn't have happend if you were sober but you made the decision to drink, so its still all you.

Her emotions are the weather, that's all. Its raining. Get an umbrella and move on. She still acting like a bitchy teenager, ignore her shit untill you get the main event. Pick your battles, this was a gay hill to die on.

[–]JudgeDoom698 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Her emotions are the weather, that's all. Its raining. Get an umbrella and move on.

Plus OP had an accurate weather forecast. He knows well in advance that she struggles during the holidays. "We have a 90% chance of Shit Tests between Christmas and New Years, so bundle up, people".

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Drinking is bad. The 2 hours of TV per night is appalling.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy

The amount of times you used the word "she" in this post is the stem of your problem. You give way too many fucks about your wife. Stop talking so fucking much, stop trying to figure her out or convince her to change her mood. It's shitty and it's never going to work. The only thing that matters is you and your value. How sexy are you, how charming and attractive are you in social situations. Thats all your wife, or any woman, cares about. Your conversations where you try to communicate and influence her feelings with words means nothing. It's like trying to convince a fish that it should try walking on land.

My advice, STFU. Like, whenever you want to talk about her mood or her feelings or how you don't think She is treating you right, DON'T. She doesn't care what you think, all she cares about are your abs and if her girlfriends think you're hot.

One more tip, woman are attracted to men who have power over them. Whoever cares less about the relationship has the most power. Because of this women are naturally attracted to men who care less about them, because they view that as power. Right now you care way too much, your head is up her ass trying to fix her mood or chsnge her mind when the only thing you should be worrying about is yourself.

[–]dll1421 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You nailed it. I will work on this hard.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I will be honest with you, I didn't read your whole post, too much drama and 'he said she said'.

You know you lose frame when you are drunk. So drink less, no?

Biggest thing for frame and relationships is:

RESET. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.

Want drama? Don't reset. Want to draw out an argument that never should have taken place? Don't reset.

[–]gameoflibidos6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

You don't have much frame to begin with and alcohol melts frame like a hot knife through butter.

Getting into any arguments with your wife ever is always losing frame. An argument becomes an argument the second you raise your voice or look annoyed in any conversation.

Getting into an argument and then shutting it down by leaving is not "killing the shit test" ... its getting into an argument, losing frame and then running like a baby.

It's difficult and takes awhile to maintain strong frame when even decently buzzed with alcohol and that's if you already have a good strong frame without the booze.

[–]dll1421 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. I'm doing the work. Blue pill bullshit is a toxin that requires work to flush out.

[–]JudgeDoom695 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

You are still totally in your wife's frame. You micro-analyze everything she says and does, down to the expressions on her face. Quit being so needy.

When you initiate, you need to be truly outcome-indifferent. Either she puts out, or she doesn't. You don't care, and will try again tomorrow.

At this point, your MRP journey is still a huge covert contract with your wife.

[–]dll1422 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Can you please elaborate a little more in the covert contract comment? I can see it, but it's not 100% crystal clear yet. I will go and reread NMMNG.

[–]JudgeDoom695 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes, you need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy (and the other sidebar books) before attempting to apply red pill principles in your relationship.

A covert contract is an agreement that you have made in your head to trade this-for-that, but you're the only one who knows about it. You haven't articulated the contract to the other party, but you get butt-hurt when you've done your half of the deal, and the other party doesn't pay (even thought they are unaware of, and never agreed to the contract).

The classic example is "If I do the dishes, my wife will reward me with sex." You do the dishes like a champ, and then she still denies you, and then you feel cheated and pout. Well, she never agreed to do that, and her (lack of) physical attraction to you has nothing to do with dishes.

Your covert contract is: "If I maintain frame and lead, my wife will want to have sex with me". That's not how it works, leading and maintaining frame are just one facet of your overall MAP.

[–]dll1420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Got it! Thanks.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]dll1420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. I found Rian to be a great role model. Just started following his stuff.

[–]Kpwn884 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Total "she" count = 36

tl:dr OP is needy.

Get friends, hobbies, a mission in life. TV is a waste of time and it will brainwash you.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for putting in the work and actually counting. It might be a new "she" record.

[–]Cam_Winston214 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Total "reset" count = 0.

[–]Victor-James3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop giving a fuck if you get rejected after initiating sex. In fact, stop trying so hard to give her attention and always asking her if she is ok. Its not your job to make her happy. Its your job to make yourself happy.

You realized you messed up by blowing up at her like a child. Good. Now pull back a bit and stop counting how many days it has been since she has come back around. Just by keeping tabs on that it indicates neediness on your part.

In due time she will come around. She is your wife but she needs to feel your internal strength. She needs to feel that you no matter what bullshit emotional storm she throws at you, you will remain the stoic rock in her life. Stop caring about the outcome and show her that you are not emotionally dependent on her.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Give less fucks.

You give way too many fucks.

You are a needy, whiny, validation whore. That is the root cause of your problems.

Get a life, have at least 2 in the kitty. Suddenly your wife wanting or not wanting to fuck will matter very little.

Book of Pook, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Quit engaging. Amused mastery is your move when she brings it up. Just laugh like you would at a 5 yr old girl trying to get a rise out of you. Then STFU. You are living in her frame.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

See a bro in the 1100# club and gets excited. But then I keep reading.

Fuck man so many words to say:

You got drunk and blue balled and fought.

Then tried to score while watch the DVR.

Fucking lame bro.

[–]dll1420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, it was drunken puke, but I put myself in this situation. Working to unfuck it.

On the lifting note, it does get harder and harder as I age, but absolutely love lifting. Changed my routine back to a basic 5x5 strong lifts recently with added and alternating small muscle group work outs worked in as well.

I worked to get the physical down, now working on stronger frame building.

[–]SuperCrazy071 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What dread level are you on?

It looks like you’ve got the physical taken care of...is the wife at all worried you’re going to fuck someone else when she rejects you repeatedly and treats you like shit?

[–]SrsWHATISWRONGWITHU1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I chuckled and said, “Ok… I did nothing wrong, and I’m not going to apologize for wanting my sexy ass wife.”

She didn't say you did anything wrong or ask for an apology. This was a major DEER. She wants to see you dgaf about kids being up still so that she can also dgaf, but clearly you felt like you were in trouble with your wife for trying, thus confirming her concerns about fooling around while the kids are up.

I really don’t care in the long run about her shit fits ... Although, this time she is taking longer than usual ... She usually comes back around after a couple of days, but it’s been four or five so far..

Someone else in the comments said it best, your head is so far up her ass and you care way too fucking much.

[–]dll1420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, I fucked up and DEERed. I do care too much.... working on fixing that

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You give too many fucks.

The entire diatribe is about her. Her. Her.

What about you ?

You are in her frame 75% of the time because you are in fear of her.

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The major problems I see are you not addressing why she’s cold during holidays/parties and you blowing up when getting rejected.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The next time you get drunk, initiate, and get rejected. Call an Uber and go out of the house for 1-2 hours. Come home and take a shower.

This eliminates the butthurt. If she asks, say, “not tired, I still want to party.”

You were butthurt. Your fault.

Now, your wife is using sex to manipulate you. She has weaponized the pussy. You must continue to initiate, be outcome independent, and don’t be butthurt.

[–]dll1420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are correct man. Good advice. I will control the drinking as well.

She has weaponized the pussy, but that's on me because I let her. Working to unfuck myself and correct course.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You're completely in her frame. When you're analyzing every interaction, initiating sex for validation (you may have a covert contact of watching shows leading to sex - im sure there are others too). Your response about not apologizing for initiating sex with your sexy wife was good. After I unplugged, my wife said a couple of times that she didn't like that i was initiating so much. I found that my wife responded well to me being very direct that sex is something I require and that I wouldn't ever apologize for that.

[–]dll1420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am currently in her frame. This downward spiral started only a couple months ago, and I caused it. I initiated again last night and got rejected. That was the first time I can think of that it actually didn't bother me. I'm working on unfucking myself. Step by step.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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