I’m having a little trouble assessing my frame control (or lack there of) in a recent situation with my wife. I believe I handled some of this situation well, and some of it poorly. I’m telling this story only to get information to grow and learn. You opinions and advice are much welcome.
I’m 41. 6’1” tall, 225 lbs. Bench 335, squat 385, dead lift 395. Wife is 42, in great shape and attractive.
A LITTLE BACKGROUND
My wife doesn’t do well around the holidays (Christmas / New Years), and never has. She tends to emotionally withdraw and becomes confrontational about 50% of the time, and seems to be “in the spirit” the other 50% of the time. She totally owns it too and doesn’t apologize for it. Most of the time, I am able to hold frame and not let it bother me. I do my best to have fun with my kids and our extended families. However, sometimes she acts like a bitchy child and acts up, especially when we have a pre-planned family function.
We had a family dinner function for my family that lives about two hours away, planned just a few days before Christmas. The days prior, my wife was looking forward to going. She was pumping up the kids and was preparing to make a few deserts to take. However, the morning of the function she turned back into Scrooge and was bitching about going and acting like a big baby. We got into a brief argument about it and it ended with me saying, “I’m going and taking the kids. You are welcome to attend or stay home… I don’t really care.” She ended up going and acting like a giant child the whole time, being disconnected and stonewalling. I went, had a great time, and so did our kids.
We got home and a fight broke out about it. I nuked the shit test and went to bed. The next day, we had some really hot passionate sex (multiple times). Christmas (on a Tuesday this past year) came and went. The following Friday night we had some loose plans to go out. I was at the gym after work and she texted me and said we got a last minute invitation from this other couple we are friends with to go for drinks and dinner. I told her sure… sounds like fun.
Here’s where it goes south and I know I broke frame… That night, we drank quite a bit before, at, and after dinner. We got an Uber home and were getting ready for bed. I initiated sex and got shut down hard. Normally, I would have just went to bed, but being a little drunk I blew up like a child and she went off the deep end. The next couple of days, she started her drama about the whole thing and stonewalled the shit out of me. I tried to make amends by owning my shit, but she was still pissed. She tried to draw me into more arguments by saying that we need to work on this issue and that she wasn’t happy with the relationship. Perfect example here of a woman’s solipsism in that she hamstered her way into spinning this as my fault (which it kind of was) and that I’ve “always been an asshole” and “I’m not happy today” and “What have you done for me lately?” She actually said all those things in a round about way.
Admittedly we, have had this problem with drinking and me blowing up like a needy prick in the moment a few times in the past. Not a huge history of it, but it has happened. So, I let her sit with it (along with myself). We had plans to go out New Years Eve. She came to me on Sunday night, acting like a bitch again, shit testing and picking a fight. I nuked it again. New Years Eve came and we went out, and both had a great time. I know my wife enjoyed herself, because she is the worst faker of having fun and being engaged in the world. She can’t fake anything when it comes to having fun. If she is not having fun, it’s clear and evident. We were out super late Monday night (New Years Eve) and came home and went to bed. Got up New Years Day (Tuesday), and I initiate sex and get shut down. I let it roll off, got up, and showered and went and enjoyed my day.
Wednesday rolls around. I initiate sex again early in the evening just after the kids were off to bed and am shut down hard. I laugh it off and go about my business. Last night (Thursday) comes. Normal night with the kids and their activities. I take our oldest daughter and drop her off at basketball practice at 7 pm (have to return to get her at 9 pm). I come home, sit with the wife and kids and watch a little TV. She starts getting the other kids (we have a total of four) ready for bed, and I go back out to get my oldest at basketball practice. I return a little after 9:15, and my daughter heads off to shower and go to bed. Here is what I want the opinion of…
After my daughter heads off to bed, my wife is sitting on the couch in her usual spot. We usually sit beside each other and watch our DVR TV shows that we normally watch together. On a typical night like this, we watch TV, hold hands, cuddle up, and it usually leads to sex about two to three nights per week. However, last night she has this look on her face and was sitting there acting like she had a cold. I asked her if she was ok (in the context of believing she was coming down with a cold, since two of our kids have one currently), and she said with a quick and stern, “I’m fine, I’m fine”. I actually got a little amused and kissed her on the cheek and said ok baby and proceeded to sit with her and watch TV. She continued to act as if she had a cold and got a tissue. I then stated again that I believed she didn’t feel good and suggested that she go off to bed if she didn’t feel well. She said in a bitchy tone, “No, I’m going to spend time with you.” It almost seemed forced. Like I said in an earlier paragraph, she doesn’t fake well. I told her, “look, do what you want, but I’m going to watch TV.” She then stated, “I just don’t want a blow up like the other night and frankly, I’m expecting it.” She told me that she didn’t like me initiating sex the night before and didn’t like the timing of me coming on to her the night before because the “kids were still up and not asleep yet.” I chuckled and said, “Ok… I did nothing wrong, and I’m not going to apologize for wanting my sexy ass wife.” Then I STFU and proceeded to watch TV. She ended up staying there almost two hours and we had a normal conversation and watched our shows. No sex after that.
I’m not sure how last night’s interaction went. I really don’t care in the long run about her shit fits, because I know she will come around. Although, this time she is taking longer than usual, and I'm disappointed with my recent behavior (as I should be). She usually comes back around after a couple of days, but it’s been four or five so far. My goal is to maintain frame and lead, and it will be her choice when to come around.