You can search my limited post history, but the basics are.. married over 20 years, 6'5 215 abs, clothes and hair on point, finances good. BP 255, Squat 330, OHP 165 (shoulder injury years ago, so I take it a little carefully with that)
Been on the RP bandwagon since July '16. Just about at the "one month per year of marriage" point.
Overall, things have improved. I could talk about how my relationship and sex life have improved, but I'm more focused on me. Confidence is up, killing it at work, dressing better (have to stay on top of this, style and season changes) being a much better dad. OYS. Planning, cleaning, fixing.. I drop the ball from time to time, 9/10 on this.
On with the field report. I want to create my slut as part of this process. Gone through all of the sidebar reading twice, working my way through again. Amazing how much you pick up/internalize each time. At any rate, I've been slowly ramping up the sexual menu. You can ready my post history on BJ's, still stuck on that. Not sure it will ever change.
One of the concerns I've had about dread, is that my wife (although very attractive) has low self esteem. It seems that dread needs to be applied a bit more carefully in these instances. I'm on DL 5. She has NOT acted predictably. Sex has improved a little, but mainly just due to me taking what I want and not asking. I can't say that the dread has anything to do with it or not. But, I've been wanting to try new things, one of my goals this year was to use a vibrator with her. I know this may not seem like a bid deal to any one of you, but we've NEVER done that. She would never bring it up. But all women like vibrators right? If used correctly, I thought it would be a lot of fun for her, and a turn on for me to see her get all worked up. I told her I had a surprise for her last night. A lot of kino during the day. She was primed, and right in Ovulation week (thanks Clue) so I thought it was teed up.
One other factor that lead me to try this, is that she has been really feeling the dread hard this week. We were out together last week and an early 30's hottie left a note on our car at the store. We drove separately, and as we walked back out to the car, we both saw a woman place something under the wiper of my car. My wife runs over and grabs it, it was a handwritten note, basically saying "Tall jacked guy in the blue shirt, call me.. " more or less. Wife was pissed. Texted the number and told her that I was married etc, etc. I laughed it off and said "welcome to my life when I go to the store" smacked her on the ass and forgot about it.
All week it's been constant comfort tests, this one dread instance seems to have tipped the power dynamic. She saw for the first time that I have options, and is scared. So, in my brain I thought "ok, strike while the iron is hot" Sex every day since then, very active participation. In the back of my mind I kept thinking "ok, if she's ever going to start BJ's again, this is when it will happen" Of course.. that didn't happen (rolls eyes) but nonetheless is was great.
So back to last night, she wears some lingerie (one of my favorites) we just start getting warmed up and I grab the vibe out of the drawer and say "remember your surprise?" it's dark so she can't see it "what are you doing? What is that?" me: "buzzzzz" her, backing away "no, no..I don't want that, that's gross. You are enough" I just said "Ok, your loss I guess" and tossed it aside.
Totally killed the mood, we had sex but she wasn't into it. This morning the hamster had been running all night.
She wanted to talk, big speech about how sex is a beautiful thing between two people that love each other, and that vibrators are for lonely desperate women and that her and her friends all make fun of women that have to use them, and she wants no part of them.
I just let her finish and said "Just trying to spice things up babe, but no problem, I'll toss it"
We kind of go back and forth for a minute, I'm trying find a way to disengage. Then she hits me with " I can't believe you would use my low self esteem to your advantage"
Damn. She's good. (that's exactly what I was doing)
This went on for a few minutes (and I know I shouldn't have engaged, but damn I love to argue sometimes, working on killing this) the basic jist of it is, she knows I'm bored with our sex life, I've told her as much in the past, and while it's improving, I have tried to show her that I'm not happy with the same 2-3 things for the rest of our life and lead her in this regard, with some successes, and of course like this one.. failures. Obviously the dread isn't enough, so I'm trying to reconcile this with the "levels of dread".
During this discussion she brought up some points which on the face of it sounds like a failed comfort test. After pouring out her heart to me after this note, she told me she loves me, wants to be with me forever, and is afraid I'm going to leave. I just kissed her on the head and said "I'm here because I want to be" She brought that up this morning. You didn't tell me you loved me! You didn't say you are never going to leave, etc etc. You just said "I'm here because I want to be, that's not the same thing"
So on one hand I'm trying to provide comfort when needed, but on the other hand, I'm trying not to undo the hard earned dread.
So, partial field report on dread and low self esteem, and also would like a critique of where I went wrong here and how to handle dread etc, moving forward.