At an interesting crossroads and could use some input.

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December 2, 2018
7 upvotes

38yo. Together 15 years, married 5. No kids. Started MRP around feb. Dread level 4/5.

6’-2” 204lbs 15-16% BF

Primary lifts: 4x6 Squats 135 ATG, Flat bench 4x12 bells 75lbs, 4x12 DL 235, 4x11 shoulder press 55 with bells.

Have read: NMMNG, MAP, MMSLP, RM, WISNIFG, WOTSM, pimp.

I started down the RP rabbit hole about 9-10 months ago with MNMNG. It’s been a crazy year since. I lost a bunch of weight, lift 4x a week, read a lot and practiced a lot. Started learning to dance etc. So it’s been almost a year of solid growth with a lifetime yet to go.

Soon after starting down this path I realized what a fool I’d been for so long and hit the anger phase pretty hard. For me the anger phase has been about 6-7months. I’ve struggled to move past it for a while now and I’m pretty well over it now. I have been mentally teetering on the fence with divorce since starting MRP. We are on two different paths (years of lack of leadership on my part) and have been for a few years. She had a career and strength that she walked away from to teach yoga and embrace love a few years ago on my financial support. The details don’t matter what’s important is that I made this monster. I set boundaries and let them go. I encouraged foolish ideas and goals based around her frame etc. It was bad. Meanwhile I hit my goals and she spends her time bouncing around flirting with hers.

Since starting my RP journey I’ve disconnected from her frame and started to build my own. It’s been hard work but worth it. I’ve a tendency to Rambo in all areas of my life. It’s how I get shit done and not doing it in my marriage has been a constant struggle. I’m learning to round off the edges... slowly. One thing has been a constant, I came to MRP late and I’ve been on the knife edge of divorce for a long time. I don’t see the signs that she wants it, but I’ve toyed with the idea for a long time now. In our situation I would likely have to give her a few grand, one property and I can easily move on keeping my shit and the house we currently live in. For her divorce would be financial ruin.

I hope that and my OYS to date are enough preamble. Here is my quandary...

Three months ago I told her I am willing to continue with her as a financial burden for another three months. I didn’t give any definite repercussions at the time but I laid out a boundary. At the time it was all I could do not to pull pin there and then, my anger, resentment and frustration was at a tipping point. I also knew I needed time to better get my own shit together.

Here I am now. My anger and resentment have largely faded, I accept my role in how I got here and have plans for the future based around my own mental point of origin. For her part she has made some token efforts to find a better source of income and be more responsible, some improvement but nothing earth shattering.

I’ve really tried hard to narrow down my understanding of the issue between us and it’s this. I don’t trust her and obviously can’t because we are on two totally different paths with different goals and different set of values. I don’t hold this as “her fault”, it just is. I encouraged this state over many years and now I have to deal with it.

So three months ago in a somewhat Rambo state of mind I threw down a three month window that is now closed. At the time is was all I could do not to kill the baby. Now I need to follow this up with some actions and although I hate to do it, I need to talk to her about it. I know that stay plan is go plan and the plan is to continue working on me. My question is how should I address this? Do I end this marriage when I still have so much I could do better? Ignoring it would only be me reenacting old behaviours that got me to this point. Do I recognize her efforts so far and add another block of time with more clear expectations? Do I say nothing and go see a lawyer?


Post Information
Title At an interesting crossroads and could use some input.
Author suprathepeg
Upvotes 7
Comments 57
Date 02 December 2018 04:32 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203758
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/a2em45/at_an_interesting_crossroads_and_could_use_some/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
leadershipMAPWISNIFGframeliftNMMNG
Comments

[–]Redpillbrigade1713 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

You sound like you jerk off a lot. And you sound fearful. If you’ve truly internalized RP you should know that a clean break (ie. no kids with an ex) is a rare opportunity for an awakened man at the beautiful age of 38. You’re at your peak SMV from age standpoint. And you’re wondering what to do about a relationship started 15 years ago? Why?

[–]BobbyPeru9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

So you’re asking a bunch of strangers who have limited information on you whether you should end your marriage?

You’re not ready.

9 months in isn’t shit. Keep your foot on the gas.

Revisit the job situation with her and use womenese about the eventual consequence. If you don’t know what womanese is, read the sidebar.

[–]Frosteecat9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

It’s interesting to me that so many men here are inconsolable about their SO not getting “on board” when they themselves have just started their journey from complete pussy to man. Add the fact that their partner most likely has no clue what is happening, nor the RP resources and you’re basically expecting them to match your path blindly?!?

Since you can’t talk about Fight Club, you must become articulate in other ways, communicate the MAP in her language and with a clear vision she understands is to your mutual benefit.

Until you do that and give enough leadership, time and support to see if there is a real change, you’re still operating on a massive covert contract: “she better figure this out or there will be consequences!”

How fucking lame.

[–]suprathepeg[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I somewhat agree. Doesn’t answer my question tho...

[–]Frosteecat1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It depends on what you truly want, which shouldn’t be tied to other people’s actions, thoughts or words. How you go about getting what you want is your business.

I would recommend against falling into the trap of justifying your actions with other people’s failure to fulfill your wants & needs.

Own it. Communicate it. Get it.

If she is high or potentially high value in your life, wait & see while being articulate about your plan.

If she isn’t or won’t be—what does it matter?

I highly recommend Marcus Aurelius’ “Meditations” to anyone who doesn’t fully understand this way of thinking.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge8 points9 points  (11 children) | Copy

Does she fuck?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret14 points15 points  (4 children) | Copy

Shes a yoga instructor, so everyone but him.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy

Story time. A friend of a friend had a bbq at his house. His wannabe yoga instructor wife gives an impromptu yoga demo on the lawn, much to the disgust of the other wives, and silly grins of all the men.

The husband turns to me and mumbles, at least you guys are getting something out of it, I get fuckall.

Probably not proof, but I am betting OP gets zero benefit, except to rent and maintain the studio.

[–]suprathepeg[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ding.

[–]MRPFuckMe10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There’s your answer.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wrecked

[–]screechhaterRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

My question also

[–]suprathepeg[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yea the sex is fine. It would be better I I gamed her more but I honestly have to make myself game her. I don’t really find her interesting to be around.

[–]470_2_700_nm5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

What he fuck are you asking the internet if you should leave?

You realize you are a pussy? What do YOU want?

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yea the sex is fine.

This means nothing. How many times a week and does she initiate sometimes? Your replies are as vague as your post.

[–]GroundbreakingDevil1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You just answered your own question right here; are you just too much of a pussy to pull the trigger?

You're at or near your SMV peak potential right now, I assume you make decent money since you're towing this boat anchor around, you're not a fat ass/ are in decent shape, what the fuck are you waiting for?

How long are you going to wait until you demand the best for yourself? - Epictetus

If not now, when?

Let no one rob me of a single day who is not going to make me an adequate return for such a loss. - Seneca

[–]mountainbiker1780 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Keyword is "potential". He had a long way to go before his game/frame are at peak.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret6 points7 points  (22 children) | Copy

My answer is

You still have not stated a “Mission”

I’m shocked your stats on weights are with Dumbbells Although you are lifting, the full muscle tear with the barbell in the big lift is critical.

Your answer is in your puke.

But what the fuck is “kill the baby ?”

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

He probably likes the puppy.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

He wants to kill a baby they never had in 15 years

[–]suprathepeg[S] 0 points1 point  (19 children) | Copy

I’m fine with my lifts. Just came out of a huge cut, and it’s all high volume. I’ll work on strength more this summer.

[–]WesternhagenWinner7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

I’ll work on strength more this summer.

Summer is seven months from now. You're seriously going to be "fine" with those dogshit lifts until then? Quit screwing around and get on a real program.

[–]suprathepeg[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

My squat is 205 at 4 sets of 12 if I drop parallel.. I’m changing form and recovering from pulling my back out. I’m fine with the numbers they’ll come back up fast. Squat isn’t my problem or the question I’m asking.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy

You are fine with a squat that is like 60% of your BW?

Volume?

Go do 10reps by 5 sets of 225 on squat and the you tell me you do volume bitch.

A volume day for me is 50 reps of the exercise I want.

[–]470_2_700_nm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

“I did 30 sets of a face cloth with my dick - then went high volume on her face.” Maybe that’s what he means.

Prolly not with those lifts.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (14 children) | Copy

2 plates or get the fuck out

I’d be doing a full squat and leg workout twice a week with that kind of squat number. At some point you start plateauing on certain body parts and you focus on bringing the weak areas up to par. OP could add 10 lbs muscle on legs alone pretty quickly.

[–]hack3ge7 points8 points  (13 children) | Copy

Sometimes I want to skip leg day then I remember I don’t want to be a bitch.

I thought I was muscular 10% @ 150lbs now I’m almost done bulking and am 13-15% @ 175. I looked at the before and after and I was a scrawny fuck didn’t realize I could put on that much muscle in 6 months. It’s funny that once I hit like 170 my wife started to fuck and give BJs again despite saying she doesn’t like muscles.

[–]BobbyPeru4 points5 points  (7 children) | Copy

It’s funny that once I hit like 170 my wife started to fuck and give BJs again despite saying she doesn’t like muscles.

It’s part of the feminine imperative script to say they don’t like muscles. I was somewhat muscular at 6’1”, 195, but I’m now 207 after working out 6 days a week for an hour. As I started bulking she told me she doesn’t like “too muscular, so don’t get much bigger.” Yet, the bigger I get, the more she’s feeling my muscles and wanted to fuck me and gives BJ’s any time I ask. I’ll probably bulk up to 215-220 and then cut to 210.

[–]hack3ge2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Worst part for me is like 7 years ago I started lifting and she told me she didn’t like muscles so I stopped and got fucking fat again.

I’ve never successfully bulked in my life and this bulk I’m up 25 lbs and still have a 6 pack. I honestly didn’t believe Stone when he said I should be 185 at 10%. Gonna take me a few bulk and cut cycles to get there but it’s literally just about eating the right macros and lifting heavy shit.

[–]BobbyPeru4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fortunately I never fell into that trap. Even when I started becoming betaized in my marriage, I never stopped lifting, so at the worst sex was down to once a week. But, now it’s pretty much whenever I want... I attribute most of it to sidebar and swallowing the pill, but yeah packing on a bunch more muscle when the doc put me on testosterone has also helped. I’m 50 and I get IOI’s from 20 somethings

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

220# crowd checking in.

Also a member of the no abs crowd.

But most importantly a member of the 1300# club

Win some, loose some. 🤷🏻‍♂️💪🏻

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have abs even after putting on 12 lbs in 1 1/2 month bulking. So. I think I can get to 220 and then cut to 210 and my abs would pop. My biggest focus areas are legs and back since those are the areas I neglected the most. In a month and a half I added 50 lbs onto my leg extensions and 20 onto squat. So, I’m looking at this as a sculpting project, and so far the results are beyond what I expected in a short time. I also added 20 onto bench in the short time. I figure in a year or so, I’ll be where I want to me, but to get there I need to work extra hard since I just turned 50. But I take care of myself and I could easily pass for late 30’s.

[–]Frosteecat0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Same height and weight here but fat. I have a question about deloading/reloading. I was doing the starting fairy queaf SL5x5 weights and cruising through them no problem. Then I f'd my back up lifting an engine core at work and deloaded all the way back down to bar after it felt good enough to start again. I'm seriously bored with the levels it has me at (like <100lbs. on everything but DL) and can rep all of them forever if I want. What's the best way to calculate how much weight I can/should be doing now? I could give a shit about hypertrophy--definition comes easily to me even with high weight/low reps. I just don't know how much to throw now. A % of my 1RM?

[–]becoming_alpha1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Wendler's 5/3/1 has a progression. Week one is 1 set of 5 reps at 60%, 75%, then 85% your training max (90% your 1RM). Week 2 is 3 reps at: 70%, 80%, 90%. Week 3 is 5 reps at 75%, 3 reps at 85%, and 1+ at 95%. If you want hypertrophy as well, add 5 sets of 10 reps at 50%.

[–]Frosteecat0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Excellent! Thanks. Sometimes the lifting/macros advice gets so granular my head explodes. This is the KISS principle stuff I prefer.

[–]BarracudaRP0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Tell me more about your bulking? I'm 5'9" and making the slow climb up from 150lbs. Currently 159/14%, 5x5 at the gym and trying to bulk.

175 would be a wet dream.

[–]hack3ge1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Did you have a 6 pack when you started bulking? Being super lean before bulking helps a ton because your body prioritizes nutrients better and won’t just store fat by default.

I started by just eating 500 calories more than maintenance on lifting days and have increased from there. My goal was to gain half a pound per week so I could maintain leanness - realistically you will find you gain equal parts fat to muscle even with the cleanest bulk.

Surprisingly when I was cutting I was starving myself as my maintenance was way higher than I thought. Right now I’m at 2400 off / 3200 on days with carb cycling thrown in the mix too. The cut should be simple afterwards and I’m hoping only to need to lose like 10lbs.

Honestly it comes down to lifting heavy and eating right - my lifts during bulk have shot up like crazy:

BP +50 DL +100 SQ +80

For lifting I switched from 5x5 to Greyskull LP because of the AMRAP for hypertrophy. I’m sure I’m leaving some strength on the table but so far I’m happy with the results.

[–]BarracudaRP0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the detail, I'll be looking into Greyskull too. Yeah I had visible abs when I started, I seem to be gaining equal parts lean/fat like you describe, even though I eat very clean. I'm just glad to be putting on weight, it's taken me eating about 3k calories just to gain on a regular basis. Your details confirm that I am on the right track but there's more I can do.

Those are monster gains on your major lifts, especially if you're my size. Did you find that you actually gained a half pound per week? I'm tracking closer to one pound per month, but I wonder if I could do more.

[–]hack3ge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It hasn't been a steady gain of .5 lbs a week - its just like when you are cutting some weeks more some less. I train MMA too so if I have a hard set of workouts then sometimes it would be less because it was too much cardio. I've been pretty steady though at 2-3 lbs a month for the entire 7 months which doesn't include the initial 5 lbs I gained just from eating carbs again after my cut.

Yeah we were the exact same size when we started our bulks. I was 350lbs at my heaviest though so our body types might be different - I ran the max muscle numbers and it says my max at 10% should be about 190 because of how thick my wrist and ankles are. You seem like you are on the right track though - the calories seem right and if you find you aren't gaining quite enough a month then up it by 200 calories on workout days and watch it for another month or two. Because I was so fat before I was terrified of bulking but there's no way to gain muscle without fat and if you aren't on T then 1lb fat / 1lb muscle is really the best you can do if you want to maximize muscle gains.

Admittedly I used to lift like 6-7 years ago so my lifts probably jumped because of muscle adaptations that I never lost but I'm getting close to my previous PRs and I'm about 25lbs lighter than I was then. I'm going to have to switch programs as I'm getting close to my third stall on BP / SQ even though I didn't stall on DL but I really like Greyskull as a beginner linear program. I did add some additional accessory exercises as well for bicep, tricep and traps.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haha, they always say that shit..."I don't care how you look, just that you listen to me, etc". Meanwhile, they're constantly rubbing my arms. Hoes don't know which way us up.

[–]JudgeDoom6911 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

That was a lot of words to say "my wife is a lazy fuck who won't get a real job".

Yes, you created this monster by allowing her to freeload this long. You allowed her to dick around the yoga studio instead of getting a nine-to-five job.

Grow a pair of balls and lead your wife. Tell her she needs to get a job, period.

If you divorce her, she sure as fuck will find a job real quick.

[–]suprathepeg[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Lol yes.

I have, but there is balance. If I “make her” then it’s no better.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good luck faggot.

I begged, pleaded, order and commanded that my wife get back into the work force for 18 months. And she is highly qualified in her field.

Two months after the divorce process started she finally got a job when her lawyer bills came due.

Cant force people to do SHIT they dont wanna do.

Only recourse that saved me was split finances.

Sure she is ENTITLED to have our shit.

If she can get it from me.

[–]weakandsensitive8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

You haven't seen a lawyer yet - and decided to ask retards on the internet? You're fucking stupid.

15 years - no kids and presumably no fucking, wtf?

[–]suprathepeg[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sex is ok. It’s not the problem.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

You drew a line in the sand but it was very vague? There was no consequence for her, thus 3 months came and went.

Catch 22.

  • Not doing anything about it puts you in a position of weakness.

  • Trying to do something about a vague boundary that only you know the details of is also weak.

You were unclear of the consequences, so no, divorce is not going to be the answer, it is the easy way.

She does need a wake up call for sure. If all her credit cards are in your name cancel at least one. Financial pressure is the only way she will actively look for a job.

More importantly, have you shared your financial vision with her? It is useless to get her on board if you don't open your mouth and tell her where the captain is going with the ship.

[–]KalenTheGreat2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. This is the answer you need, OP. Unless you're straight with her, how can you expect here to get onboard? Or even know there's a ship to get on?

[–]creating_my_life2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You don't even know what you want. How are we supposed to help you get there?

[–]adeptintact2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I never understand men that have no kids and stay in a bad marriage.

Divorce!! Your life will be so much better.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

In most cases the guy still has to improve himself in order not to repeat the same mistakes in subsequent relationships. OP is nowhere near being his best version of himself.

[–]Kpwn881 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. Even in my pathetic, blue pill beta days I was in a shitty 4 year marriage with an alcoholic that just kept getting fatter. Even though I was getting regular sex, I divorced her ass knowing full well the last thing in the world I wanted was to get her pregnant.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

No kids? You haven't been single since 23?

What a fucking opportunity.

You should pull your head out of your ass.

[–]framelessglasses1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The stay plan and go plan are the same, but you think they are different paths. They are the same path.

Following a new path you cannot know the distance, and, you certainly cannot know how long it will take to get there.

You will know when you get there, on your path. Even if you are already there, you have to come to know it, no matter how long that takes.

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Okay, so you gave some arbitrary 3 month deadline/ultimatum. So What.

If you had read WISNIFG, or anything else in the sidebar, you would know that you can change your mind with no explanations.

If 'staying' still has value for you, or even is you just don't know yet, then fucking stay, STFU and keep working on you.

This is what being your MPoO looks like.

Like others said, if you have to ask, then your Frame is for shit. Get back to work.

[–]dandar46001 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do I end this marriage when I still have so much I could do better?

Forget the 3 month ultimatum. Ultimatums are something you do from a point of strength or not at all.

Do you love her or the idea of her? Apart from sex, does she bring value to your life? You say you don't trust her. Is it only about her financial decisions that you don't trust, or her in general?

[–]suprathepeg[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

That’s not my problem.

My problem is I set a boundary. And I need to follow through somehow now.

[–]TheThirdT4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You did not set a boundary. You made a threat that you never intended to follow thru on. Now you are looking for a way to save face.

If it was a boundary about your life and how you will live it,he would have papers in hand and you would no longer be supporting her.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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