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Comfort Test during string of Lazy/Slothful behavior

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November 7, 2018

My wife hit me with a comfort test a few nights ago. She pulled the "I feel like an inadequate wife, mother, and home owner" and in my head I wanted to say "hell fucking yah, thanks for noticing" but I employed some of the WISNIFG learning and just probed... "why do you feel that way", etc.. etc..

Basically I STFU and just probed her instead of trying to justify or start an argument

I know deep down inside she wanted me to play the old "Honey your amazing, don't even think like that" and give her a hug/kiss. The truth is; besides keeping our kids clothed and fed which I can easily do, and DO multiple times a week, she is just bringing no value anywhere else.

Just looking for some insight & thoughts.. Played it right? Should I have just lied and passed a easy comfort test?

Post Information
Title Comfort Test during string of Lazy/Slothful behavior
Author Steve_rebooting
Upvotes 16
Comments 12
Date 07 November 2018 04:49 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203812
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9v124i/comfort_test_during_string_of_lazyslothful/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGcomfort test

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy

I think you did good. If she’s not providing value, there’s no reason to praise her for value.

It’s refreshing to see somebody applying that book right for a change. I’ve been thinking about writing a post on that book because there’s a lot of kids using it as dynamite and blowing shit up.

[–]drty_prRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

By the probing you did, if you really think about the meaning behind the responses she gives, you'll find out more about how she actually feelz then you ever could by asking her about something. The knowledge one can gain on a person through effective power talking is so underrated.

[–]TheThirdT0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Feelings come and go. Sometimes my wife has a shitty day and just an acknowledgment of her bad day and a hug is enough to lift her mood. Other times a little active listening to help her explore her feelings is called for. I do these things because I care for her as my wife and as another human being.

Why is your initial reaction to cut her down?

Why would you need to justify or start an argument about what she said?

Why would you need to lie to wife about what she said?

Why do you assume your wife wanted you to disagree with her?

Why are your wife's feelings a problem for you to solve?

[–]nothingnewever0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It seems you don't want to be married to her. Why even put yourself through this? I am not saying you are wrong or right - but one would assume in a relationship, comforting, supporting and lifting up each other is an important part. If you don't want to give that (for good reasons that you might have) why even bother being in the relationship. All your kids are seeing now is how to be a shitty partner. Why not they see how to be a great single person?

[–]Grimsterr0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Because it's way cheaper, is my guess.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This technically doesn't sound like a comfort test though which would be along the lines of "I'm just know you're going to leave because I'm such an inadequate ...<fill in the blank>".

If you're putting in the talk time, and it's not time to A.A. or A.M. leading or probing questions are a good variant. If you're learning to fight your own inclinations to give solutions to her airing feels that's actually a good listener-person move and not really a pill-thing. Just more of a conversation thing.

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (5 children) | Copy

I probably would have played it the same as you, but perhaps a bit more forceful.

Instead of, "why do you feel that way", I would have said, "you don't say... and what on Earth could POSSIBLY make you think that??" Followed up with, "what do you think you could do to be a better wife/mother so you don't feel this way?"

IOW, she's asking to be led. Lead her! Give her a path forward.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Take it as a chance to lead. Ask her, "are you venting?"

Sometimes my wife is, sometimes she's not. If she is she'll get it out. Maybe I tell her to wrap it up if she's going on, but in the end I'll tell her I hear what shes saying.

If she asks "yeah I'm looking for a solution"

I'll ask her a series of questions along the lines of what she wants out of it, what her expectations are and what she would tell someone else.

Ill also take it as an opportunity to reiterate the mission. "here's what I expect.." because sometimes frustration comes from misunderstanding of goals and intent.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Good perspective.. thanks.

She did start the conversation with "what can I do to be better" and in my head i knew it was all a trap. Anything I said would have resulted in some type of argument and I know she just wanted comfort vs. me highlighting weaknesses.

But I like the "what do you think you could do...." much better

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't answer that question at that moment, give her things to do each day. She clearly can't or won't task manage herself, so you need to give her direction.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like you're still afraid of her reactions. You need to get out of this mindset. Her reactions are her problems.

So what if she starts an argument? You AA/AM just like you would any other shit test. Hold frame. Laugh at her. Let her know she's acting like a child. Slap her ass and say, "you know what would make you a good wife right now??" Then escalate.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I prefer the phrasing "What do you want to do to change that feeling? "

It sets the stage for her to take action instead of just talking or thinking about it. It also shifts the responsibility of that action to her instead of setting you up to solve her issue.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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