I've been a career beta piece of shit all my life. Married 13 years, together since college, have become more and more beta in the past two years. My 4-year old son died of a cancer and I fucked up and got depressed and looked to my wife for strength - big fucking mistake. Little respect. I had started to slowly get my shit together over the past 3 months (not being needy around her, dropping 20 lbs through cardio though) and found MRP. Read NMMNG, MMSL, and Rational Male within 3 days. I've never had my own internal frame, NMMNG described me 100%. I'll start lifting in November since I have 3 business trips out of the country with no access to a gym, but what can I do in the short term to stop being so much a faggot and come to terms with this new reality and starting to get unplugged from the FemMatrix. I've stopped apologizing to my wife and have already seen some shit tests. I have a high level of anxiety disorder/panic attacks (been to therapy and meds) and feel a constant state of anxiousness this week (after completing MMSL). I get anxiety even being near my wife since I think she's going to shit test and I'll fuck it up.
Careerwise I'm killing it - make over 200k, high level leader, rising star, etc. but homewise i suck.
I can't unread what I've read and am in a bit of a panic mode of where the hell does life go from here? What can I do to chill the fuck out - I think hearing from people who've gone through this helps but they're further down the process and actually started shit. I have no safe people to talk to, no friends outside 2 guys at work (high introvert), so likely will rely on this forum for a lot of hand holding.
TLDR: new to this and freaking out a bit.