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When do you have wife make decisions?

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September 24, 2018
8 upvotes

Ok so I'm starting to OMS as much as I think I should be. Been telling wife "do this x thing" instead of asking as a question or doing it myself. Small things. But to be honest, there's just some things I do not like doing, don't care about the outcome or I am not as good at as she is. She handles the finances (I work, she is SAHM) so to me it makes sense she spends the time at home doing that and is better at it than I am. So I delegate it to her but I see many times that MRP suggests the man handles it. Besides finances, there are other things I just don't care about the outcome of said decision and trust her to handle it (I know what this sounds like but I feel like this arrangement works) but if I truly don't care and can tell her to do whatever she prefers, I feel like this is still in my frame. I'm getting conflicted because I read alot here that I need to be deciding this and that and everything in between but when is it overkill or even controlling?


Post Information
Title When do you have wife make decisions?
Author SrsWHATISWRONGWITHU
Upvotes 8
Comments 18
Date 24 September 2018 05:54 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203984
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9ifhq0/when_do_you_have_wife_make_decisions/
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[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando11 points12 points  (4 children) | Copy

She handles the finances (I work, she is SAHM) so to me it makes sense she spends the time at home doing that and is better at it than I am.

This is a poor excuse. There's no problem delegating the donkey work to her on the finances (updating spreadsheets etc) but you need to handle the finances. Women don't like handling the money. They are perfectly capable of doing it but they don't like doing it and it's your job - as the man, as the leader - to take care of this. If you don't, she'll resent you for it.

Let me tell you a little story. I used to be like you. I let her handle the finances. She was good at it, I was bad at it. Or so I thought. I also thought she enjoyed it.

For years, everything was fine - the bills got paid, the mortgage got paid, we had no money worries.

I set up my own business in 2017. This was shortly before discovering MRP. Soon after that, I decided to "take control" of the finances. I'd "delegated" that to her for years and now I was stating that I wanted to take over the role, be in charge of the expenditure & budgets etc. There was holy fucking war over it. No surprise really.

It took me a good 6 months of fighting to get this sorted but eventually - I did.

Lucky for me. Because I am self employed, I register my own taxes. She hadn't accounted for any of this for 2 years, so when I calculated the tax bill for 2017 and the preliminary tax for 2018, a large chunk of my income was being hit at the higher (40%) tax band. Bascially, I now have to pay €30k more in taxes than I had originally allowed for. By the end of the month.

Now, I could go back to the wife and tell her she fucked up the accounts. I could go back and tell her I have a massive tax bill to settle. But I won't. This is my problem and this is my fuck up because I didn't take care of my shit. And do you know what would happen if I went back to my wife and told her about this problem? She would take no responsibility for it, she would expect me to sort it out and she would resent me for making her feel bad about it.

Now, while you may be employed, have your taxes paid for you and may never have this issue - be warned - that if you don't look after the finances, if you don't take care of your shit... and something goes wrong - it will be your fault and your fault alone, that this happened.

The other thing that you can be sure of - if you aren't looking after the money - is that she is building herself a nice little nest egg / "fuck you" fund of her own.

So, stop making excuses. Take care of the money. It's really not that hard to add and subtract.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Shit man, thanks for that. I really needed to read it.

You only wanted to take over because of mrp. The old beta you had a real surprise ready for him. The new you handled it like a champ.

Then helped me by typing it all out.

Thanks!

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

The first time I told her I was taking over the finances, I sat her down and explained my "financial vision" for our future. I even had spreadsheets done out because - well, as we all know, bitches love spreadsheets. I laid out our future. I had built the mission, now I was selling the vision.

When I finished she looked at me and said, "why are you doing this? Why are you making plans for our future? I don't want to be with you any more". Then she got up, walked away and left me with my spreadsheets.

I handled it like a chump.

If you've been a shitty captain for years and she's looking after the finances because you haven't done your job, she's going to fight you tooth and nail for it. How you go about it will be up to you to decide, but it needs to be done. You need to step up, be the man, lead and take charge.

[–]mrpCamper1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

They are perfectly capable of doing it but they don't like doing it

TRUE TRUE TRUE!!!!

[–]SrsWHATISWRONGWITHU[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very good lesson. Thank you.

[–]coachdad84 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I handle finances of 2 businesses, wife handles family finances. SAHM and 4 kids, she has been delegated responsibility over the household. She's my 1st mate and I expect her to carry her weight. It works extremely well in our situation but I've never had respect issues.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you don’t give a fuck, still frame yourself as the decision maker:

“I’ve decided to let you handle dinner tonight..” smirk

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I delicate decisions to my wife. It's the results I care about. When I was a low value asshole she would complain for days about the division of labor.

I just approve or disapprove of the results. She's a teacher, she loves this dynamic.

We both handle our own finances but I take this as a personal failure. It's a topic of an OYS thread.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

MRP suggests the man handles it.

This is your go to.

It's ok if she does everything, under your watch and approval.

[–]SrsWHATISWRONGWITHU[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's ok if she does everything, under your watch and approval.

thanks for that, that makes alot of sense and I don't know why I never thought of it that way.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There's a difference between abdicating authority and delegating authority. If you are leading you need to give your wife an operational framework that lets her meet your mission objective.

In my case, I give my wife a fixed amount of money for the month. We started off with envelopes and morphed into this. "Here's your budget for the house"

I keep separate accounts for the bills vs household, so if she runs out of money the bills still get paid. There's also no overdraft on the house account, so when it's empty, it's empty. I let her make decisions so long as they are not water level ones, i.e. the boat would sink if something went wrong.

See? I give her discretion to do what she needs to do, but within a fixed framework that would not affect the house adversely. She's happy because I'm not "watching her like a little girl" and shit gets done.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Besides finances, there are other things I just don't care about the outcome of said decision and trust her to handle it (I know what this sounds like but I feel like this arrangement works) but if I truly don't care and can tell her to do whatever she prefers, I feel like this is still in my frame.

I’m going to interject here because I got slammed for having this point of view several months back.

Both you and your wife should be handling the finances period. If you don’t know how much money you have, now to access your bank accounts, where your money is going, when your 401k will reach a million and have zero financial goals then you’re basically living with your mom.

I don’t think you need to handle everything. I leave the cooking and meal planning to my wife. I offer suggestions but I don’t spend too much time because I have better things to do that she can’t. I delegate a lot of financial jobs to her but she reports back and let’s me know. Usually, she’ll ask me if we should do x or y and I make the decision. Women naturally hate to make decisions because women are irresponsible. They do not like to take blame for making poor decisions which is why trickle truth exists. Even before RP I found these truths to exist. The more you make your wife responsible for important decisions the more she will grow to despise you.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–]SuperCrazy071 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m the only one who does the finances. We keep separate accounts / investments / credit cards (authorized user on a couple), but I manage every aspect.

First, she’s the absolute worst about understanding anything about money. Second, I never have to worry about getting screwed (her hiding assets).

I actually wish she’d take a little more interest. If I get hit by a bus, she’d have no clue what was where. I’ve tried to sit her down, but her eyes just glaze over.

In any case, I could never work my ass off and then just turn my paycheck over to anyone.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What stops you from learning finances? If you can add a couple of things and use a calculator, you can do it. I'd start encroaching into her territory. Learn to cook.Let her understand you can do everything that she does.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When did do you have ex wife make decisions?

When I am unavailable to make them.

That is the role of a FO.

Till she no longer is your FO.

Bitch.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Conceptually interesting question because you want to empower people to act in their own according to achieve your goals but knowing that you have oversight where necessary.



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