TheRedArchive needs help
With 700,000+ posts and 16,000,000+ comments archived, and new Red Pill content being added every week, keeping TheRedArchive alive and discoverable to everyone is starting to become very costly. As a 20-year-old student who just moved out and is living independently for the first time, keeping TheRedArchive alive is beginning to cost me much more than I thought.

Therefore, if you appreciate the website, have gained a lot of knowledge and insight from it, and want to show your appreciation, you can do so by donating any amount that you want via the options below. The money will be used on the expensive monthly host bill and any future maintenance of the website.
Thank you, and I wish you all a successful 2021 and a good luck with achieving your goals and dreams!

Best, /u/dream-hunter

“I spoke to a lawyer on Wednesday”

Reddit View
Facebook Twitter Reddit Email Copy link
PDF EPUB TXT PNG
jakethesnake5000
September 17, 2018
14 upvotes
askMRP

Things in my life, excluding my marriage, are going great. I’m reconnecting with old friends, stopped talking to friends that decrease value in my life, for the first time in years I am proud to look at myself in the mirror without my shirt off, I feel extremely confident doing cold approaches, kicking ass at my job, getting shit done around the house, lifting very regularly, and my short term Map goals are on track to be complete by the end of this year. I’ve dwelled for a long time about divorce and decided that if there are no changes in my marriage once those goals are complete, then I will reevaluate the marriage and take action as deemed necessary. Dwelling daily on it like I used to a couple of months ago didn’t help me in any way. I’m prepared for divorce: talked to multiple lawyers, real estate agent lined up (the only asset we share, no kids, it would be split 50-50), I know where I will live after the house is sold. I am working hard to disconnect my emotions from my marriage and they are already disconnected to her mood. I now do most of the work around the house and have completed many projects around the house, I basically can live here with out her and nothing would change from a responsibility standpoint. Before the drama, she added value to my life and now I can say she doesn’t (gaining weight, boring, lazy). I want to stay married to her if she comes around by the time I finish my map, but if she doesn’t I am mentally prepared to end it. I have to do what’s best for me.

My marriage is in really bad shape: no sex for 3 months (married 2.5 years), separate bedrooms for a month, she doesn’t want to do anything fun outside of the house (she doesn’t do anything fun in general, basically a homebody), and she said she has “checked out”. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen her checking me out, all the signs of attraction like hair flips, is more interested in my life, and is a little bit more playful.

This Friday I broke frame for the first time in about a month (drunk text about her not doing shit... I know I fucked up). She used it against me and plowed forward saying I haven’t changed one bit (hamster talk) and that she “saw a lawyer on Wednesday”. After that:

Her: I might as well contact him now and submit the papers. Me: “who’s the lawyer” Her: I’m not telling Me: don’t you do it, you’re going to regret it (this seemed different than a ‘there’s the door situation’ Her: what’s our separation date (this made me realize she probably did see one) and more hamstering about the tests.

After that, shit went back to normal. We ate. dinner together/take out and I continued to do some major work on our garage. Some random tree removal people came by giving out cards so I got an estimate. She was really interested in taking down some trees and the prices. All I thought was why the fuck would you contact a lawyer to leave and want info on long term home improvement stuff.

I’m debating on going into defcon 5. This marriage is definitely looking bad with the checked out talk and the lawyer talk, I’m thinking I need to raise funds immediately and put some of my Map on hold (don’t renew Muay Thai class, decrease my investments (current socking a lot of cash away in stocks) Do you agree?

Also, what are the odds I will receive papers? It could just be her hamster talking but those are actions that can’t be ignored. Not sure how I will react if I receive papers. The only thing I can think I’d say is something like “this is your decision, your life and your loss.”

No matter what, I’m going to be ok. I feel really confident about my life with or without her.


Post Information
Title “I spoke to a lawyer on Wednesday”
Author jakethesnake5000
Upvotes 14
Comments 73
Date 17 September 2018 10:32 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204008
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9gp0oj/i_spoke_to_a_lawyer_on_wednesday/
Similar Posts
Your New Nightmare: The Feminist Divorce Attorney.

Gentlemen, I would like to raise another interesting aspect of the ongoing “do not

Finding a Lawyer for a Divorce....(Part 3 in Run, Fuck, Work)

A note to readers..... If you are interested in reading the previous posts just

Independence should be mentioned and celebrated more than just one day a year. We should live it daily. Independence from marriage should be declared by all.

Independence should be mentioned and celebrated more than just one day a year. We should

Picking a Lawyer...my experience with Divorce Part 1

A friendly divorce is a construction women use to extract as much capital as they

Independence should be mentioned and celebrated more than just one day a year. We should live it daily. Independence from marriage should be declared by all.

Happy Independence Day Since the 4th of July festivities are about to begin, I


Red Pill terms found in post:
MAPframehamsterdramalift
Comments

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

For someone so apparently strong and independent you don't seem very strong and independent.

It always sounds good to say I've done this and that for ages and now I've decided to stop. In practice, however, it is much more arduous and far slower-going.

Be cautious paper tiger.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Totally agree, change doesn’t happen over night.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy

“I feel really confident about my life with or without her”...

Our work here is done.

Great progress my friend.

[–]BostonBrakeJob33 points34 points  (6 children) | Copy

Great update on your hamster's thoughts about your wife's hamster.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret17 points18 points  (5 children) | Copy

This pisses me off no end....we are all here cause we have gone retard... and Jake here has fucked up good, indeed, but has a legit question.

OP, now's not the time to try and second guess what she is going to do. Get on the front foot. You called it defcon 5, well are you going to push the button or what

Here's the tip... North Korea escalated this to the point you can no longer sit on your hands.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Jake here has fucked up good, indeed, but has a legit question

I’ve noticed an unfortunate trend of people missing the big point and pointing out something trivial or a side point justvto get a laugh and some cheap karma points, TRP main three is still decent, but this has been a trend on there for a long time. I’d hate to see AMRP or MRP get dilluded with noobs and this become a lasting trendS

[–]BostonBrakeJob2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

OP has 2 questions: [states he needs to play catch up] ... "Do you all agree?" Obvious answer.

and: "What are the odds my wife is going to serve me papers?" How is trying to sort out his wife's mixed signals going to help him in this situation?

OP needs to get out of his wife's head, the fuck off reddit and into a lawyers office to start a divorce MAP asap, whether it's him or her that pulls the plug. Either way, he needs a plan...a vision for his future, with or without her.

If you wanna take the time/energy to pep talk him through it, then go for it. All I'm willing to do for him is point out the obvious, which is why he's here in the first place with this post and not taking control of his own life.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That’s a very fair and on point assessment.

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This here.

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

For him, defcon 5 is 'start to act as if I won't cry too badly when she leaves me, and I'll RP her into loving me."

Rightly told, defcon 5 is the lowest state of readiness, if it is even on the list. I thought that defcon 4 was the bottom. Def Con 1 means war. OP is correct, he's probably escalating to DF5 right about now, thinking that he is holding rock solid frame.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill3 points4 points  (11 children) | Copy

Her: I might as well contact him now and submit the papers. Me: “who’s the lawyer” Her: I’m not telling Me: don’t you do it, you’re going to regret it

You were in her frame for this conversation. What you said was, "Hey you're better off with me than without me"

What she heard was, "I feel affected by your threats to leave"

She will resort to direct communication when necessary. It was not direct communication. Women primarily communicate feeling.

Without knowing the rest of the situation I can only speculate where it was coming from. They do seem to come from pain. What do you want? That's the question.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 2 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy

I was in her frame during this convention and thanks for the insight on what I said vs her hearing it emotionally. How was her communication not direct/overt?

I want to continue my Map. I want the wife I was married to 3 months ago, not this distant and boring one.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Have you ruled out medical? Depression?

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It all started IMO when she got off birth control 6 months ago, sex started decreasing, major crazy happy/sad/submissive mood swings. Got into a fight and told her to get back on the pill because she “was unfit to be a mother”. Major fuck up to say that to my wife. Sex went to a trickle after that and then all together poof! Gone. Since then, relations have deteriorated to the point where I don’t have the slightest clue how to fix this, I can only fix myself.

She gave me the “I’ll email the lawyer now” bit again last night and said “if that’s what you want I can’t stop you, you know where the door is”. Pretty tough spot to be in and after reading some of the comments, I think she is bluffing. I am genuinely improving on all fronts.

She didn’t like it in the past when I suggested she to go see a doctor for being “depressed”. And uses it against me regularly. As I told a previous poster, she has been keeping a list of everything I have said/done that is negative. A real physical list with dates. Very unhealthy to do in any situation, particularly a marriage.

I went to check out apartments today in the city I commute to, just to check out the scene bc I need to be prepared for anything. Every woman there, including the girl’s apartment I toured gave me ioi’s (hair twisting, laughing at everything I said, giggles) so it’s NOT and attraction issue. I think it’s some mixture of comfort and safety.

Attraction I think is easier to fix than those two issues. Some how I need to be more beta and work on those things over a long period of time.

[–]red-pill-man1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're as dumb as a stump, aren't you?

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am not the smartest husband in the world, and I’m willing to admit it lol

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I want the wife I was married to 3 months ago, not this distant and boring one.

So if your wife is a reflection of you and your leadership what does this say? Did she all of the sudden become boring? Your wife is the vessel; she receives your guidance.

Are you fun? I keep hearing you say she's not fun, but what are you doing to drive the fun?

Do you say "Hey, I'm going to this waterfall for a hike I read about, you in?"

Or do you ask, "how about we go to a waterfall?"

There's a subtle difference, but one leads and the other looks for approval. What are you doing to instigate fun? What changed since she was fun before you got married?

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I’ve more recently asked her to do fun things like play pool, hike and go to new places. She says that she doesn’t want to do anything with me so I invite friends to come along instead. But she’s been boring most of the relationship as a reflection of me being boring at the time and too comfortable. I framed it as the latter, that the things I invited her to do were fun and not just hey let’s do this.

What changed since we got married is I got lazy, boring and comfortable. That is something I am improving on, mostly without her because she is disinterested in joining.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I can sniff out bullshit and it is all over. She doesn't want to do anything with you. Come on, enough sanitizing. What is the real story? You know. It's the elephant in the room. My advice is to shoot it.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t think it’s cheating, she’s home in bed basically every night at 9. Is that what you think it is? If so, why the fuck isn’t she just leaving? She makes plenty of money

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Tell me, what is the elephant in the room?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If it is not immediately obvious to you, and you are not bullshitting yourself, then my best guess is depression.

[–]Red-Curious3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

So, you've thought about divorce, you've talked to lawyers, you've started a plan for the divorce process ... and then you get ticked off and threaten her when she says she did the same thing. What the heck, dude?

Also, you whine about being 3 months without sex. But nothing in your post indicates you trying to initiate with her. Are you employing kino throughout the day? When you see her twirling her hair while oggling you, do you flirt back? Are you practicing overcoming ASD and LMR with her? It sounds to me like you just want excuses to get divorced, not to solve the actual problem. If that's the case, just do it already. Get divorced. Don't whine here about her talking to a lawyer if you're not even trying to solve the problem in the first place. Make a decision and execute, but stop living in limbo. Either screw her in bed or screw her in court. Just do something.

Also, yeah, you screwed up. You broke frame. She was oggling the new guy you were becoming, and then you convinced her it was all just a farce. It takes months or years to convince someone you've changed. It takes one mistake to convince them you really haven't. Back to work.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I’m not over coming asd and lmr. Anytime I touch her back, slap her ass, etc she gets pissed and says don’t touch me. Even when I touch her on accident. I give a fuck too much here and don’t push it

[–]Red-Curious0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I have a post for that: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/760ehc/is_your_wife_disgusted_by_your_touch

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good shit, even my level ones are a hard no. Probably just another shit test, so press on anyways

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What do you want?

If divorce you are headed in the right direction.

If reconciliation then figure out what would a good marriage look like to you and work towards that.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t want divorce right now. Eventually I’ve got to throw in the towel but I’m not there yet. Everyday I wake up and feel the same, confident and ready to get shit done. Some days I go to sleep anxious and flooded (divorce talk), other days the same as I wake up. It’s been a month and a half of this and when you think it can’t get worse, it does. It’s fucking nuts, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone even Hillary Clinton. Haha.

I’m working on talking more, which has been successful. I told her why I love her and why I married her... all have been a success. But when I talk about stuff like spending money for fertilizer or anything future related, the I plan to sell the house talk comes out. I can either AA which always hurts me, AM which defuses the situation or fogging which doesn’t work well either. So I need to just stop any future talk? I take care of where I live, and yes that means putting fertilizer on the grass in September.

She usually gets alarmed when I touch her, even on accident and says don’t touch me, although she didn’t yesterday afternoon. Progress! Woo (sarcasm). And she refuses to do anything with me outside of the house.

To me, I don’t think she has the balls to pull the D trigger, but I’m prepared for it. She has 2 friends I assume are pushing her to do it (fat tattooed blue haired blob and a girl that for an abortion to fit in her wedding dress who is now.. you guessed it... divorced).

I’m in quite the bind. She told me she spoke to a lawyer last Wednesday so a week ago. If I don’t get papers in the next 2 weeks I’m going to call in reinforcements, literally.

[–]red-pill-man1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Also, what are the odds I will receive papers?

-----------------------------------------------

Who cares?

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True. Only care about what you can control

[–]adeptintact1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop being a beta and divorce already. You'll be much happier in the long run. You don't have kids so less complications. Enough said.

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Also, what are the odds I will receive papers?

I'd say about 200,000 to 1, in favor of 'receiving'.

It could just be her hamster talking but those are actions that can’t be ignored.

I think that your hamster is talking so loudly, you cannot hear anything.

Not sure how I will react if I receive papers. The only thing I can think I’d say is something like “this is your decision, your life and your loss.”

You are blind as a fucking bat. She can't stand you.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy

Bro, there's a reason we say you shouldn't listen to your wife. Girls very rarely mean what they say.

So stop listening to your wife. She's going to threaten to leave and call you an asshole and tell her she hates how you're behaving and yadda yadda. This is going to happen a lot, and the intensity will only get worse. It's just shit tests, she's trying to break your frame and control you.

Ignore it (or better yet AA it), and keep on doing your thing.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy

She’s the oldest teenager in the house, her words don’t mean much but her actions (packing up all the pictures, contacting a lawyer, stopped wearing her ring) all indicate to me that divorce is a real if not definite possibility.

The “I hate you” and then crying about how she loves me is a weekly occurrence. It’s sad that women think and say things based on their emotions at that moment. Good thing we don’t have a woman as president.

She actually said regarding control after divorce threats,” you were in control of the relationship, and now I feel like i do”. This is why holding my frame in these instances is so important. AM seems to work best with her in these events.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

I’m just going to assume that you’re improving. You mentioned new stuff like her showing you IOIs, so it sounds like she’s noticing.

Do you really think improving is going to make her leave?

You’re being shit tested. This business with the ring and the lawyer, it sounds more like communication than action. Every guy here went through these empty threats.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

I am improving on my issues. She mimics me and follows my lead: Sunday I clean and organize the garage. Go to gym Monday and she cleaned and organized around the house. She doesn’t do that regularly anymore.

I don’t know if me improving will make her leave, I can’t control what she does but the “I want to leave” started almost a month and a half ago and she is still here in person, but the hanging out etc is gone. Not sure how I can restart that up at the moment and instead focusing on my plans.

It may very well be a shit test. She contacted the lawyer last Wednesday, if I don’t get papers in the next week or two, that would confirm its a shit test. But I am taking it seriously from a financial standpoint and stopping pouring all my excess cash into investments.

The ring was definitely communication, but the lawyer seems like action, wouldn’t you agree?

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It seems like posturing, but by all means, prepare just in case.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Could be, but I’m going to prepared. The old me would ask about if she’s filed, now I’m not concerned about asking about it. If it happens, I’ll deal with it. Thanks for your insight.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I've been here before same exact shit - ring, lawyer, real estate agent, blah blah blah. Its all shit testing and her trying to manipulate you. You wife isn't checked out - the opposite of love is not hate its apathy. My wife checked out and she just gave two fucks about me, didn't talk to me at all for like 3 months, didn't do shit around the house and pretty much treated me like a stranger. At the end of the day my wife didn't have the balls to kill the puppy 4 months ago and I doubt yours will too. In either case, you need to stop looking over your shoulder for her reactions - just enjoy your life and do whatever you would do if you were single. Shit will sort itself out in the long run.

​

Also, if she brings that divorce shit up again just tell her to have at it if she wants to go you won't stop her - its the only way to handle that shit test. Once you have frame you can tell her that threatening divorce is not beneficial to anyone and if she brings it up you will give her what she wants but you aren't there yet. Also, don't mention the ring if you ignore it then she doesn't get her validation / attention and it becomes a non issue.

​

Best part is some day you will get to the point where the tables have turned and you will be completely OI about all of this - you will look back and find it comical how much you let it affect you. Case and point, my lawyer accidentally triggered a main event with my wife when she intercepted an email thread with me asking how quickly papers could be drawn up. Wife confronted me, I told her I had plans to go out that night and she could have brought it up earlier so I could reschedule but since she decided to be disrespectful of my time and didn't I was leaving, she screamed it was over if I left, I said she can wait up if she wants to talk as I am going out, she stole my keys, I walked out and had my buddies pick me up. It went on for 3 days and I didn't really give two fucks what the outcome was - really I actually wanted to end it and still may but I decide at the end of the day what I want. She's been sweet, submissive and a sex kitten ever since.

​

In general you just care way to much about what she does and thinks - fix this and you will feel way better about yourself.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I’m going to be great either way, thanks for the insight on if this comes up again. I don’t mention the ring at all since it came up.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

There are shit tests and there thermonuclear shit tests. This is the latter. MRP doesn't recommend you agree and amplify a divorce threat!

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, AM is the best way to handle this from my experience

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Wierd she says I hate you out of the blue then I love you. I would get her evaluated before you end up eating arsenic.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It’s happened about 3 times... I’d like to have her tested for bpd

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

There is no "test" for BPD and you are not describing a woman with BPD. You are describing a depressed woman who thinks her marriage is over and is probably hormonally affected by going on and off BC.

A BPD would be deliberately making your life a living Hell in this situation. She would be going out of her way to sabotage your relationships and doing other crazy stuff. This woman doesn't even want to get off the couch! I can almost definitively say that is not BPD because ALL women display BPD characteristics when they are left to flap in the wind without strong leadership and direction. All.

Where are you leading this ship?

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I’m going to use a pull not push strategy for the next week. I’m going to genuinely show that I am interested and that I care. The shit tests that follow will be get with ignore, Am and at times fogging. AA isn’t a good technique here. I’d say at this point my odds are 51% I succeed overall, but that may be my confidence talking.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m debating on going into defcon 5.

Clearly you're a dumbass since defcon 5 doesn't mean shit.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

All you fuckers following me into the divorce process.....

Ain’t none of y’all prepared

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

If they were, they wouldn’t be posting about it, but doing it. I came close- actually filed, and it ended up dying due to lack of activity. But, she has fallen in line... it’s been 5 months, and she’s still adding much more value and respect... and the sexy is whenever I want.

In my case, she was showing utter disrespect, ignoring me mostly, gaslighting me, and lying about financial stuff. She ended up getting coaching, and she had some eye opening experiences. She’s not perfect, but she adds a ton more value... enough to keep her around.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What is DEFCON 5. ??

You give too many fucks, and you are in her frame

You post is about trying to get her to bend you your demands. You lose. She had your balls in her purse

Separate rooms. By whose choice ?

[–]Cam_Winston210 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Somewhat hesitant to chime in because of the dearth of info and for all I know you should be kicking her to the curb for no other reason that threatening divorce, but I will add that for several years my wife had similar traits (weight gain, boring, lazy, checked out, adding little value to civilization) that turned out to be a severe vitamin D deficiency. Once she started to take D supplements, in a few days the person I decided to marry started to return.

If your wife used to be exuberant, exciting, full of life, then maybe some blood work could be in order?

Again, I may be reaching....

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She’s always been introverted, homebody etc

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Just going to chime in here...I’m 3 years into my marriage and have never slept in separate rooms more than twice on two separate occasions. If you’re not having sex and sleeping in separate rooms, someone fucked up big time. 2.5 years is a very short period of time to go from honeymoon goo goo gah gah phase to man I hate this bitch and I don’t want to sleep with her. Somewhere down the line your marriage got derailed or maybe it was never on track and you just pretended because marriage sounded like a grand ol time. I’d assess why this happened in the first place before you divorce and game women again or else you might end up exactly where you tried to get out.

That’s my two cents.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

I’ve done a lot of introspection on this and I know what I did wrong. Bad leadership, didn’t say what I meant, anger issues, all things I am working on and seeing improvement on. One thing I did learn about her is that she has been keeping a list of all the negative things I have ever said... which is really unattractive and I don’t like. I want someone that is able to forgive, not hold grudges

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

One thing I did learn about her is that she has been.

Do you mean a literal list as in it’s in the physical world or a list in her head that she spews out in the heat of an argument?

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] -1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

A literal list with dates of what I said or did. She mentioned it last weekend, never seen it... thoughts on that are welcome.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve learned she is very unforgiving and stubborn. The fact she wasn’t willing to comprise on little things would prompt my anger, which I have now learned to control. She’s not willing to work on this

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

That sounds troubling. I’m one to admit that I’ve said some terrible things to my wife over our five years of being together. Sometimes our anger gets the best of us. Something you can’t do is rehash on old fights or words that were said. I’ve had to remind my wife of that before because it doesn’t make sense to light a new flame on an old log.

An actual physical list is troubling because that means she is fixated on it. She’s so mad that she’s keeping an actual list with dates and times. Every time you give her something to add to the list she is remembered of all the other times you disappointed her or when she thought you disappointed her.

An issue further down the line that I’m seeing is this:

The fact she wasn’t willing to comprise on little things would prompt my anger.

You’re blaming her actions for your anger. You need to accept that you are choosing to get mad because of her actions. If you give up responsibility for how you react to life’s circumstances then you become the victim. You can’t blame your wife for your anger. It’s your issue and you need to own it.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Yes she is fixated on it, so of course she remembers everything I have ever said... because she keeps putting it in her face with the list! To be frank, I don’t want to be married to someone that does. It’s been on my mind since she said, and I can’t figure out why someone would do this for their husband, unless she does this for everyone she knows?

Yes, thanks for the insight on the anger stuff. I am working hard to see it through that light and own it. It’s my problem

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

If you don’t care why are you asking why the likelyhood of divorce is? What’s stopping you from ending the marriage right now?

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I do care and I know I can’t change her or anyone else, all I can change is myself. I do care about her and want a family, but I don’t want this list making garbage. She is so fucking stubborn and hard headed it’s unreal, I don’t remember her always being this way. But her parents mentioned she was like this as a child, maybe she was just acting different during the courting phase of our relationship.

The biggest reason I don’t leave now is because I am scared that I will regret it in the future. I’m not 100% ready to say, “fuck this I’m done”. It’s likely oneitis but at the same time I don’t want to live my life with regrets, hence I said when I complete my map and she hasn’t changed, I will leave.

She pulled the same thing I wrote about in the OP last night. Saying how she doesn’t want to put money into the house and I said this is where I live and I take care of where I live. She said I was being very stern. I said this divorce talk isn’t helping anyone and she said well I can email him right now and get it started (exact same threat as this weekend) so I said I can’t stop you, you know where the door is.

I’ve seen other guys on mrp basically test there wives saying here’s the papers, if this is what you want take them. I don’t think I can do that, it would be a covert contract for her to stay. So I need to be 100% committed to it if I give her papers.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I hate to be the one to antagonize but it sounds to me like you should kill the puppy. If she’s constantly making threats and talking to a lawyer that’s just a bitch move on her part. You either do it or you don’t but you don’t keep making threats. It’s disrespectful and it’s no way to put back a marriage. It sounds like she’s checked out and you could be investing in a business that’s already gone bust.

All I can say about the anger aspect is that you need to divert it. I’ve recently started therapy because I get very angry and make foolish decisions. Since I’ve started therapy I’ve been much happier and have learned to relax more. Although I am taking psychotropic drugs to help me with this transition, each day I’m learning to be more understanding of my daily challenges and to accept them with a better attitude. We can’t really choose what the world and people around us do but with the right mindset we can change how we perceive the world and those people in it.

I think you should continue on your map but you should also give yourself a hard date. When will be the day that you decide enough is enough and how can you work your way up to be man enough to commit to that very difficult but necessary decision. That’s what I would think about.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s childish what she is doing and she likes the “control” she has. She spoke to a lawyer a week ago and still hasn’t “emailed the lawyer” aka hit the trigger. Tells me she is hesitant and using it against me. It’s her ultimate “I have the frame move”. She pulled this checked out stuff when we dated, broke up and got back together 4 months later (I initiated). It frustrates the shit out of me she just doesn’t pull the trigger and just drags me along in limbo.

My hard date is January 1st. That’s when my Map should be complete (short term map goals). I took therapy for anger and it works, glad to hear it is working for you too.

The only way I can think of being as you put it, man enough to commit to that decision is to go with the hard date of Jan 1. Also, if she does pull the trigger and we don’t sell the house soon, we could be living together until early 2019 as no one buys a house during the holidays. I’ve been thinking that’s going to be really tough with Christmas, thanksgiving etc and us basically going our separate ways during that time.

Like I said, the every constant threat of emailing the lawyer is now weekly and has escalated. Other than that, change has been very slow but is improving. Could it be better by Jan 1, yes but who knows. Especially when she doesn’t want to go out and do anything, even grab a quick bite to eat

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good luck finding a woman who doesn't hold a grudge. They all have their lists.

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

>All I thought was why the fuck would you contact a lawyer to leave and want info on long term home improvement stuff.

​

Dude... those aren't long term home improvement stuff. She's getting the house ready to sell.

​

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Dont do it, you're going too regret it"??

Dude...

[–]gameoflibidos-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

She sensed you are disconnecting. She tested you by mentioning she went to a lawyer. You failed that test by saying don't do it. You should have said something like "I hope mines better" and otherwise completely ignored the comment.

If you want her to step it up in order to somehow make the marriage survive, she has to A) still want you and B) be uncomfortable with the situation and think that if she doesn't step up, you're gone.

You basically just told her.. .. no i'm not really leaving you... it just looks like i might.

[–]jakethesnake5000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She has repeatedly said she has checked out and wants to leave, which means nothing because she is still here. I need to focus on “B”.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Watch what they do not what they say doesn't mean being a retarded sperg about what she says.

Why do so many guys miss that?



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2021. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter