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Anger problem. I have the divorce papers in my car.

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September 16, 2018
11 upvotes

I have an anger issue. But mostly only towards my wife. I lose my temper way too quick on my wife. It’s like everything she does or says annoys me. It’s a constant nag. Nag. nag.

ignore her don’t work. She asks why I’m ignoring her. changing the subject don’t work bc she asks why I’m changing the subject. AA don’t work. Bc She will say why are you avoiding what I’m asking or give me an “no seriously”. AM don’t work she will say why can’t I just talk to her normal. talking to her don’t work because then I’m DEERing. I withdraw attention then she asks why I never spend time with her. I dont spend time with her because then she bumbars me with shit I don’t want to talk about. I tell her I don’t want to talk about it she asks why I can’t communicate with her. I try to NGAF then she says I’m not respecting her. I try to fog. Then it gets to a point where I’m like “I’m sorry you feel that way” and it’s “I fucking hate when you say that shit. It’s like you don’t even give a fuck about this relationship”

And that’s on a good day we can get to that point. So then what? After all that I fucking don’t want to hear her speak. She’s the best wife ever if she would just not speak. Ever.

I tried the whole oldest teenager mindset. Only she doesn’t act like a teenager. She acts like a grown woman who isn’t satisfied with anything ever. Think of the times when someone annoyed you so much it was almost an instinct to be like “would you shut the fuck up already?”

It makes me not want to fuck her. It makes me not want to talk to her. So I should probably leave but I’m trying hard to salvage this relationship before I go rogue.

I have withdrawn as much attention as I can. Made my life so busy. We barely see each other and the couple hours I get to spend with her. By the end I want to hand her by her toes outside the balcony.

I have never needed to take it this far with any other women. I AA Or AM and they stfu. Or laugh. Move on.

When I tell you I’m trying to take my Anger out else where. I go to the gym 2-3 times a day and do bjj. I come home and the second she opens her mouth I want to round house kick her. I realize I’m probably going to be told I’m being a faggot but she incites a rage in me I can’t put out.

And the hardest part is she provides so much value otherwise. She’s loyal. She cooks. She cleans. She has her life in order. Good family. She’ll be Great mother one day. Very caring. Fucks me whenever I want Bends over backwards for me. But I just can’t stand being around her anymore. It’s so forced. And it never used to be.

I’m at a point now I don’t give a fuckkkk. I told her she’s annoying. Straight up. You annoy me. Stop being annoying. I feel like I’m tuning into a psycho bc of it.

How do I stop this??!


Post Information
Title Anger problem. I have the divorce papers in my car.
Author martyrothenburg
Upvotes 11
Comments 65
Date 16 September 2018 06:30 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204013
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9g8klg/anger_problem_i_have_the_divorce_papers_in_my_car/
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Comments

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret14 points15 points  (6 children) | Copy

Your anger is at yourself. All of it

[–]martyrothenburg1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Youre right I’m angry bc I don’t know how to respond I this woman to get her to stfu. I tried everything. The only relief I get is when I tell her she’s fucking annoying to shut up

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

You’re angry that she has this effect on you.

Anger isn’t the problem. This effect on you is.

[–]BostonBrakeJob1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

And angry he doesn't have the balls to leave her, as well.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well yes

[–]2ndalRed Beret6 points7 points  (6 children) | Copy

Folks are going to say to next her which seems reasonable as long as you understand that you will end up with roughly the same garbage with the next woman if you don't change yourself. All women, if they stick around long enough, get comfortable enough, will eventually get under your skin in the same way if you let them.

The root of the problem, like most problems men find themselves in around here, is frame—or lack of it, rather. You let her get under your skin. You let her make you angry. You let her gaslight you. You you you. Not her, her her.

Here's the thing. You can't control her. Never can, never will. You can't control anyone. The only thing you can ever have real control over is how you react to the world, react to the things people around you do and say.

In your current frame, any women you let get close enough to love causes you to let you guard down, causes you to let that frame crack in certain ways. You let things seep in, let things get to you. Why can't she just love me? you might think. Why can't I just be myself? Why can't we just get along?

You can't let that guard down. You can't expect a women to truly love you in your default state. It's the unfortunate reality we live in. I wish it were different, trust me. But it's not.

So you can choose to learn how to establish your frame with your current wife if you want her to stick around, or you can choose to learn how to establish it with some other woman in the future. But you can not choose to ignore the fact that your frame, or lack thereof, is why you are in this situation and it's up to you and only you to fix the problem. Otherwise you will continue to find yourself in this situation, albeit with a different woman. Your choice.

[–]martyrothenburg-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

You’re right I know it’s my frame but I’m not even up a half hour today and she’s already starting. Once I again. I’m like I haven’t even been up a half hour and you’re already being fucking annoying.

It’s like being water boarded. You could hold frame for a while but eventually you’re goin to break. She fucking water boards me everyday and doesn’t shut up till I tell her. Stfu. You’re annoying.

But you’re right she just does it again the next day. The work it’s going to take to just get her to stfu and stop being annoying is a LOT. I DONT Even know how to respond anymore.

Huh? Huh? Huh? To everything she asks that I try to ignore. I don’t even know how to respond anymore. So I just snap

[–]2ndalRed Beret6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

The work it’s going to take to just get her to stfu and stop being annoying is a LOT.

Again, you're looking at this wrong. Your job is not to get her to shut up. Your job is to not let her (or anyone's) behavior change who you are, crack your frame.

How are you going to improve yourself if she is not testing you? You need to look at her tests, at her waterboarding, as opportunity. Opportunity to hone your ability to be a man who can handle what is thrown at him no matter what it is. Without her tests you are free to be a soft marshmallow man. A Navy SEAL's training doesn't consist of six months of TV watching and ice cream eating. Their training is hell. They don't get through that training by developing ways to make it go away. They get through it by accepting it and beating it. Do you want to be soft, or do you want to be hard? Use her behavior as a gift to benefit from.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

All special operations soldiers/sailors will also say selection never ends.

They may have passed the training and try outs but once on the teams/ODAs....they need to prove themselves every day. A man's world is much the same thing. My dick itches every time I hear a man have to recount his pedigree. Mother fucker its hero to zero moment every damn day.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Mother fucker its hero to zero moment every damn day.”

This is what OP need to realize. It never ends. You are literally only as good as you are today. Yesterday doesn’t mean shit.

2 years in and I’m still amused the rare time I slip up and am reminded of the fact. A good slap to the head never hurt anyone.

The is literally only one way to be, constantly improving.

[–]bowhunter60 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The only easy day was yesterday.

Also, to piggyback on what you said, nobody gives a fuck about what you did before. You gotta earn that shit again every day. Resting on your laurels is for the weak.

I just had to explain this to a female employee, who subsequently resigned and found a similar position with another company. I told her that I wished her well, but she will have the same problems wherever she goes until she fixes herself first. Some folks can't handle the truth, especially most wahmen.

[–]mrpthrowa2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’re right I know it’s my frame but ~~ I’m not even up a half hour today and she’s already starting. ~~

You see... shut the fuck up dude... not a couple of words where you started looking into yourself, and you chose to concentrate on her once again... she she she she

[–]screechhaterRed Beret5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

When I read your post, i think, what a fucking train wreck.

Did you ever think to take a step back and analyze what’s really going on ?

Do you know what a shit test is ?

Comfort test ?

I cannot believe you state how many times “SHE sets you off”.

You apparently have some work to do when you allow others actions to control your temperament

You hand her those papers without real cause, boundary crossing, etc and you are fucked.

You lack stating stats, where you were at before MRP etc but hey, who the fuck are we right ?

[–]IRunYourRiver3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Why is he fucked if he hands those papers without real cause? You mean from the perspective of being married or legally?

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You tell me.

How about rinse and repeat behaviors?

[–]IRunYourRiver0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I get it as it pertains to his marriage. My question is more about legal ramifications.

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It’s like being water boarded dude. Everyday. You can act like you would be stone faced but eventually it’s going to get to you.

I have dealt with plenty women. She’s the hardest to shut up. It’s making me hate her.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are leaving something out.

Whatever it is, that’s the problem.

It could be a whole slew of things including you mo longer being sexually attracted to her, her feeling this and this is her response.

Only you know what the answer is, so don’t keep bull shitting yourself.

It’s perfectly alright to not be happy with the relationship you are in currently, but, you work through it, then decide.

You cannot go through life angry. Or, stating someone else is the cause. Anger is a survey response to lack of control on how you are handing a situation. Seriously. The situation is controlling you.

Ultimatums do not work.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're so angry you can't even write straight. Everyone is pointing out that the issue is with you and they're right. As someone who is going through anger issues and therapy, I can tell you it's all in your head. You're choosing to be upset about the things that your wife says or does. Going to the gym, doing BJJ, leaving and going on walks is not going to do shit for this issue. You need to learn to not give a fuck about whatever it is that your wife is saying. If she is truly being negative or nagging let it fucking go. Every time you acknowledge it you are condoning it.

A good example of what you're doing is when you think about a dog who looks for scraps at the table. If you don't ever give the dog scraps he won't come around during dinner. It knows that it won't get fed and it won't waste its time. You on the other hand keep feeding the dog under the table. Then you ask yourself why the dog keeps coming back. You won't stop fucking feeding it.

A lot of people are saying to divorce or next your wife but I have no idea why.

And the hardest part is she provides so much value otherwise. She’s loyal. She cooks. She cleans. She has her life in order. Good family. She’ll be Great mother one day. Very caring to basic needs. Fucks me whenever I want Bends over backwards for me.

In your own words she adds value to your life. The issue I think is that you care way too much so you need to find out why you give so much of a shit about what she thinks. You don't have to defend, excuse, explain or rationalize yourself to anyone. You don't owe anyone an answer to a question. You don't owe anyone a response to a statement. It's easy to say when you're not in the heat of it but regardless of the situation you know those to be truths.

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You’re right I have been looking at this all wrong. I’m too focused on her

[–]BostonBrakeJob6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I used to be you. Hell, I can say everything you've just said about my wife still...minus all the being angry about it shit.

And that's just it. That's the secret. It's not about changing her behaviors, it's about changing yourself and your reaction to those behaviors.

You don't withdraw time and attention to change her behavior. You withdraw because her behavior isn't worth your time or attention. Pull back. let her hamster do its thing. Come back like nothing happend and start opening doors for her to walk through. If she slams them, pull back again and go do something else more worthwhile. Eventually you realize you just don't have time for it, and even if you did, that's not how you'd choose to spend that time anyway.

Nothing wrong with wanting her to be more pleasant to be around. But the problem is you're still expecting it. Figure that out. And in the meantime, don't go puttin a baby in her.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Whats your stats? Maybe she thinks your stats suck and is trying to nag at you to improve.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Jesus man. Why would you bother with Her, she sounds worthless. What value does she add?

How solid is your divorce plan, you say you have the paperwork ready with You? You have a solid plan ready to exicute?

You need to have a cool head to deliver that talk. It sounds like you are definatlly not there.

Take a deep breath, you can leave her. This can all end. You are the master of your own destiny.

End it with a controlled demolition though, not a mushroom could.

Slow down.

[–]drty_prRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You better hope she isn't as tough as Johanna too or you'll be coming on here some day asking what to do when your wife beats you ass.

[–]helaughsinhidden2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Truth hurts. I think the truth you don't want to hear is your frame is garbage because you are easily upset and run out of patience immediately. She simply has no respect for your leadership and if you can't become a man who can handle her flooding she shouldn't respect you.

She is a control freak. It is usually based in a fear of being judged or criticized. You let it go unchecked so long that you live completely in her frame , albeit unhappily.

Relax. This isn't beyond fixing.

Sounds like at times you are doing the right things when shit tested but she doesn't like it and is understandably fighting your effort to reclaim your testicles. When she nags, you DARE, then she says "why aren't you responding / talking normal / making jokes / changing subject", let that be a clue to you that she realized you have introduced a corrective measure for her bad behavior.

What your missing is the next step, remain STOIC. Keep frame. If she presses you for a response and you feel like you have to cave in and defend yourself just don't. Or at least dont go back to her original topic. I'm thinking I want to whisper in your wife's ear "Honey, I am not replying because I didn't like what you said or how you said it". However, even that is weak because unless she is very dumb, she already knows why.

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes and this is where I get stuck. On part 3. I do remain stoic but she presses. So my only options that I see are say what you said. “I don’t feel like talking about this” and fog with it. Or just completely ignore her till she huffs and says whatever and gives up

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Remember to not punish her with anger or show annoyance when you are attempting to be stoic.
When you fail to maintain your frame, you not only go from stoic to weak in the moment, but the entire time you had been stoic has now changed perception in history to have been whining and pouting. In short you lose credibility.

You have only achieved stoicism when you have weathered the storm to it's full measure.
Like a lighthouse in a hurricane, if you crumble at the last gust of the storm, you were never sturdy. Even if you made it past the strongest winds and lasted for the past two days of gale force winds, you are still seen as being insufficient.

It's my guess that you've attempted this on many occasions and failed to completely weather the storm.
If so, she is used to just huffing and puffing a little hard or a little longer to get you to cave in to drama, live in her frame again, and give her the attention she's after. Picture Veruca Salt screaming "I Want An Oompa Loompa Now" and then daddy caves as usual after her tantrum.

This will only lessen with time, but probably never completely cease.
When my wife presses hard on me, which still happens, I might say absolutely nothing, or shrug and say "well, I am off to the gym", or give her a long stare like I am really thinking about what she said and say "I think I left my headphones at the office". Either way, If I have to leave, then I do so in a perfectly content and happy mood in spite of her efforts to ruffle my feathers. When I return, I act like the previous conversation never even happened.

I like the saying "no one can make you angry without your permission". It's true in the marriage too.

For more information on flooding:

These videos from u/redpillcoach deal with FLOODING, no point in retyping and butchering what he covers regarding how our brain and nervous systems are involved. It's best digested in full detail.

Week #2: Coaching, Therapy, & Intro to Flooding in Marriage

Week #3: Flood Control (Part 1: DNGAF & STFU)

Week #4: How to Control Flooding

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can only take so much.

She will press something till she gets what she’s looking for.

Here's the deal: You're desperately seeking for her to shut herself up because you're too fucking weak to handle her words and frame. And you're angry because your giving in to her words and nagging constantly exposes your weakness and failure, which bruises your beta ego.

Ignore her don’t work. She asks why I’m ignoring her. changing the subject don’t work bc she asks why I’m changing the subject. AA don’t work. Bc She will say why are you avoiding what I’m asking or give me an “no seriously”. AM don’t work she will say why can’t I just talk to her normal.

These things "don't work" only because you're completely in her fucking frame. Why do you care if she asks why you're ignoring her, or changing the subject? Read WISNIFG; you have the right to not answer her, or answer by teasing, changing the subject, or with a broken-record response.

[–]sidepiecebandit2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

You don't have an anger problem, you have a frame problem. Hence you have a leadership problem. Men test ideas, women test men. Your wife is testing your frame because subconsciously she's wired to do so. And you're failing. And you know it. And you're bitter. You think you're angry at your wife, but you're truly angry at yourself. Angry that you can't control your emotions; that you can't lead your wife, that you're a worthless sack of shit. You're fully locked into the dancing monkey program. Doing everything you can to get a reaction out of your wife. What you fail to understand about RP praxeology is that these are tools to master yourself. STFU is not for her, it's for you. A&A is not for her, it's for you. Everything else is irrelevant. RP is not to be used on your wife, it's to be implemented on yourself. Act accordingly and stop being a little bitch. And sidebar--->

[–]martyrothenburg1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

STFU is not for her, it’s for you. A&A Is not for her, it’s for you.

This just gave me a ah-ha moment. I have been looking at it totally wrong. I have been using it in hopes to control her instead of using it to keep my peace of mind. Thank you for the perspective

[–]sidepiecebandit1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now you you need to re-read the sidebar and internalize it from that perspective. There's a reason why the 1st Iron Rule of Tomassi is Frame is everything. That's where you start. Now stop being a little bitch and sidebar.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

How long have you been doing this?

Do you own your shit?

Do you lift?

Let's talk about how much you have read on the sidebar?

Also do you know what rambo is?

How old are you?

How fat are you?

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Years.

As best as I can.

Yes a lot

I read it. Trying to get through it again but WISNIFG is so hard to get through once. Idk if I can do it again.

Yes

29

I have abs.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I suggest you start posting in oys weekly and also post your lifting numbers and bf percentage. Also a question you need to ask yourself is if you end this and kill the puppy what's the actual likely hood that you will be back here in a few years?... Unless you married crazy or like me are literally flogging a dead horse. You sound like your ready but acting from a place of anger is not a good thing.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“It’s a constant nag. Nag. nag.“

The nagging from her is a direct reflection of your lack of leadership. Unknowingly, you forced her to take control and now resents you.

She lost respect for you. So she treats you like a man child.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

“I’ve got a great Sports Car. It does everything I need. Except the transmission is failing and I can’t shift into 3rd gear and sometimes can’t shift out of First gear. But it’s a great car”

If you are this wound up and excited, it sounds like A) you aren’t as far along in TRP as you think it B) your wife is far lower value than you can admit and your trying too hard to make a failed relationship work. Mostly this happens when you’ve either chosen the wrong person from the beginning or when you trained that LTR for a decade with your poor behavior.

I left a wife of 15yrs for similar reasons. She just didn’t want to be on the new bus and her value was too low. I happily walked away from daily, enthusiastic sex and regularly frequent threesomes with younger, single girls. Don’t let sex cloud your judgment.

[–]bowhunter60 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Gotta second this observation and course of action. I was at 13 years with a similar type of woman, could never get her buy-in of the new regime. Eventually, the poor attitude was just not worth the trouble. Definitely realized that I had chosen poorly from the beginning, as in, someone who would never be willing to relinquish what control she thought she had in the relationship. I firmly believe that MRP is red pill on impossible mode for those who didn't start the relationship off on the right foot and with the right person. It's so fucking easy when you start over with a fresh one that it's like you input the Konami code for life or something.

[–]JudgeDoom691 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

  • Viktor Frankl

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

How can I stop this??

Drop your ego. Stop being a faggot.

You are more emotional than your wife. No wonder she thinks you're a douche.

[–]mrpthrowa-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

++

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like she wants you to kill the puppy.

Either that or you haven’t worked at it hard enough. It takes a solid 2 years of lifting, dread levels, sidebar, map... to get there. You didn’t even mention reading the sidebar. The sidebar is the key to the puzzle.

[–]Tampadev0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No kids? Fucking next her

[–]mrpthrowa0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You think you need to respond.

You think you owe her a response.

You don't

Ultimately, you can remove your physical presence

Go to a different room, leave the house, whatever really

Why is that so hard?

Because you just like to blame her, your ego is so huge you don't realise that you're actually not a fun guy. I mean shit, anyone who reads this OP woulnd't want to spend a second with its writer.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The mushroom was complaining to the radish that no one came to his house party even though he invited the whole garden. "I don't get it," he said. "Why didn't anyone come? I mean, I'm a fungi, right?"

[–]Aditya77-scorpio0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You complain like a clueless half brained chimp. You should not be allowed to be around any woman.

Enough said.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm wondering if, in spite of your being a royal faggot, your wife still cares and is trying to tease you out of your 'mood'?? She could be making a display of love, and you are shitting on her. It's happened to me before.

Further, you are a pussy. The whole point of AA, AM, etc... is to NOT cry like a bitch and shriek like a fishmonger's wife.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

Anger?

Clearly you do not lift.

Go bitch to a 45# plate faggot. It cares as much as we do.

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

I lift more than you. I can bet that.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Oh yeah? What are your lifts faggot - if you are going to call me out directly.

Perhaps you do. Perhaps you dont.

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

365 on bench. 450 deadlift. 415 squat.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Nice lifts bother! Still, less than me.

I have a video I posted on here a week or two ago of me tossing around 315x10 on DL go watch that video. Post one similar and then I will tell you what my 1RM lifts are, which I guarantee you just quoted me.

Edit: Ill state for the record your bench is HIGHER than mine. But I smoke you on DL and SQ. My combined lifts are in the 1300# club

You running Tren? With those lifts you are prob not natty. Rereading your post comes across as Tren rage.

See. I am not a total dick.

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Youre right

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

What is your stack?

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Right now tren a. Cyp.

I think I’m switching to parabolan tho. The tren makes me crazy as you can see

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I have never understood why guys run short Esther trenwithtrend with long Esther test. But whatever.

What is your dose?

I run upto 500 and and chill AF

[–]martyrothenburg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

400 a week. And the only reason I’m doing that is prop sucks. The prop I can get hurts like hell not to mention longer esters are more stable when it comes to bloods

[–]BostonBrakeJob0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Did you do that powerlifting comp yet?

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Any tips for increasing bench? I've seen huge gains on my DL and SQ this bulk cycle but my bench always seems to lag. I have no issue getting the bar off my chest or locking out past a certain point - my issue is always midway through the rep - I think maybe its tricep strength but not sure.

I'm 165lbs - DL 385, SQ 345, BP 200 - trying to get to the 1000# club this bulking cycle.



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