25, 152lb, married 3 years this October and together 5.
Squat - 180 Bench - 90 Row - 110 OP - 60 DL - 90
All pounds and yes I realize I am very disproportionate. Just came off a 5 week break from the gym and I’m working my way back up.
I am about to come off from a ban on MRP. I’m not popular here but you may have seen that I got into a pissing match with a mod, hence the ban haha. The mod told me to rethink what happened and I took it to heart. I realized I am actually a bit of an asshole and that I went off on him and his view for no reason. I think we were actually in agreement and I just made a douche out of myself. I don’t remember the name of the mod but I am sorry for being a douche. It was uncalled for and you were a catalyst to help me see the many faults in my life.
Okay, well I’d love to say things got better but they actually got worse. I started acting out more than usual. I’m that guy you cut in front of who gets blood red, flashes his lights at you and gives you the finger. Hello. I’m that guy who thinks everybody is trying to pick a fight with him. Hello again. And I’m that guy who gets defensive for absolutely no reason and thinks the world is out to get him. Hey.
After screaming, crying and screaming again all in the span of half an our on the way to work I decided to say enough is enough. I reached my tipping point. I don’t like who I am. I don’t like the way I see the world and I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. This led me to get into contact with a cognitive behavioral psychologist and I have had two really productive sessions so far.
I learned that the reason why I am so defensive and twisted is due to the years of physical and verbal abuse by my mother and brother. The abandonment I had from my father. And the relentless physical and verbal bullying that I was unfortunately given up until my senior level of high school. I’ve accepted that nobody meant to treat me the way they did. I’ve accepted that this is my past and that I no longer want to be a victim.
Now into the marriage, well my wife and I get along for the most part. We have our ups and downs. Sex is frequent and enthusiastic, dinner is always great and she is very submissive for the most part. Lately, due to my readings and therapy I have come to realize that I am very negative. It’s not hard to believe that. I just am.
The issue I am having now is that when I express myself, particularly a complaint, my wife gets upset and then I feel guilty for expressing myself. Last week I went hiking and due to a bridge having collapsed I had to take my shoes off and walk in a river. I accidentally smashed my foot on a rock and with a good attitude expressed how it hurt. My wife told me that it wouldn’t have happened if I watched where I was going.
I don’t know if any of you are like me but when you accidentally get hurt and then get told you should have been more careful, it’s a bit upsetting. To further connect with what I’m saying, I am thinking that this type of behavior happens a lot with her. I get mad because she says these things and it sets me off. This time I just decided not to talk to her. I said, “Look I’m tired of expressing myself to you because whenever I do we fight so we’re just not going to talk.” I didn’t talk to her for three hours while we hiked and had lunch. Perhaps that was autistic of me but I was fired up.
To wrap this long wall of text up. She wants couples therapy and I don’t. I don’t think it’s fair that I am doing therapy on my own and am expected to do couples counseling. There’s obvious double standards in our marriage and I think that I have overlooked them for quite some time. I feel guilty when I say no or for how I think. I was also criticized for going to therapy and told that if I just opened up my heart to Jesus that everything would be okay. This came from the same woman who told me a few weeks ago that if she knew I wasn’t a believer that she would have never married me. Ouch.
I realize that this is a wall of text and I hope that I made it somewhat less painful to read so basically I’m asking, do you think it’s reasonable for me to do both of these? I’m digging through some real traumatic shit right now and I’m even on an antidepressant.
Follow Up: 9/8
I took some time to think about what you all said to me while I was on my commute. Even in this long wall of text I was unable to see that I still have underlying issues. I took my wife out for dinner last night and apologized for last week. I don't know if it was right of me to do that but I needed to set the record straight. It's very clear to me now when she said what she said it wasn't an attack like I took it. I realize that the world talks to me and I choose to put a spin on it. Right now I am my own biggest problem, as someone stated in another post of mine. I explained to her that right now I need to do therapy by myself before I can do couples therapy. I don't know if we need couples therapy. All I know is that I need it and it's a good enough start for me.