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LTR/Fiancee job relocating, how to deal?

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August 30, 2018
11 upvotes

So here's my situation. I'm 36, engaged to 33 y/o. I'm divorced with kid from previous marriage, just got a big promotion, nearly 6 figures now (well above average for my area), very stable company, and not paying any child support due to custody arrangement.

My fiancee recently got a new job working in the fashion industry which put her salary close to mine. Jobs in that field are pretty hard to come by around here. Well within a couple weeks of her starting the company says they are relocating across the country. She wants to be able to relocate, keep our options open, etc.

I'm not in a position to move. Even if I wanted to (I don't), I'd either have to go through a lengthy and expensive custody battle to get full custody of my kid, and then deal with him traveling, finding a new job for myself etc. Or give up a lot of time with him, and end up paying child support. I'm not moving, this is not an option, she knows this.

So she's suggesting that we do "long distance" for a time while we figure out how to get her a different job here (they are offering a big relocation incentive with a 12 month commitment). I'm not into this. Unless you're in the military and deployed, I think long distance is for suckers.

But I'm struggling with how to approach setting a fucking boundary here. Just tell her to make a choice? How should I approach this situation? Call off the wedding?


Post Information
Title LTR/Fiancee job relocating, how to deal?
Author Opposite_Philosophy
Upvotes 11
Comments 67
Date 30 August 2018 04:08 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204064
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9bkycm/ltrfiancee_job_relocating_how_to_deal/
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Comments

[–]Grimsterr39 points40 points  (4 children) | Copy

Unless you're in the military and deployed, I think long distance is for suckers.

Especially if you're in the military...

Anyway on to your post, sometimes life's just like that, you moving to go with her is dumb, you got a great job, and your kid. Her turning down this great job would be dumb. And LTR's are dumb. So math says that the hand you've been dealt is to end it. If she turns down the job to stay, she's gonna fester about that. If you move to be with her, you're gonna fester about that, no solution here that I can see.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

1 + 1 + 1 = 3 0

[–]Opposite_Philosophy[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

What's that mean?

[–]JudgeDoom699 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

It means NEXT.

[–]lionmenden36 points37 points  (9 children) | Copy

She's trying to get out of the wedding. If she wanted to marry you, she would move heaven and earth to do it. Do not marry her. Calmly ask for the ring back. Tell her you understand and wish her well. You're open to see where things go in the next 12 months, and if she moves back to town, you can revisit the relationship then.

[–]red-pill-man8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Why won't he break up with me?

[–]lionmenden2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, she doesn’t want to be the bad guy and call it off.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Absofuckinglutely.

[–]Horton2133 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is correct

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. Good plan.

He can ask for the ring back, but if she doesn't give it back to him he should just let it go. Either way, he needs to break it off now.

[–]friendandadvisor-3 points-2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I say not to ask for the ring back. She may come back to town every now and then and he'll have the use of her body. And, when she does decide it's time to terminate, she'll give him the ring.

[–]nonnimooseWoman, something something dark side1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

when she does decide it's time to terminate, she'll give him the ring.

lol

[–]freshona0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Try again.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fag

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret19 points20 points  (5 children) | Copy

First of all, and why are you getting married again?

Long distance is also not a option. That's bullshit.

If you are struggling on setting a boundary, you state your case, state what you can accept and what you can't, and go from there. Outcome independent.

Plus, she already has some idea of your limitations. She knows you have a kid. She knows that long distance doesn't normally work. She knows you just can't uproot and go, as you already have a high paying job. She knows these things. And yet, she still suggests doing "long distance".

Now why do you think that? My viewpoint is, she's not really committed to being part of the team. And for sure, you don't want someone who's not committed to that.

But anyway, set your boundary and go from there.

The only rules that really matter are these: What a man can do, and what a man can't do.

[–]Opposite_Philosophy[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

She moved from her city to where I currently live to be with me. Got a part time gig while she looked for something permanent. I don't think its that she's not committed, but she's struggled with finding a stable job here and gets too stressed out about losing future career options. Her last 3 jobs here (clothing industry) have had layoffs/relocation over the past 2 years.

[–]weakandsensitive9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

You've already made your choice. Time for her to make hers.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

It really is this simple.

[–]friendandadvisor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She moved from her city to where I currently live to be with me.

That was then; this is now.

I don't think its that she's not committed,

She's not committed. YOU aren't as committed to the relationship as you think you are, either. So, she is in the same boat. She wants to move forward in her career. She knows that you will break up; that's why she gave that "Let's do LD until I find...." knowing full well that there are no options where you live.

Your time with this chick is up. KNOW THIS!

Also, have you ever read the sidebar? I suspect that you haven't. You do need to.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red19 points20 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dodged the bullet on the first divorce rape.

Guess some people like to try and get shot.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Kind of like my second marriage.

There won’t be a third.

[–]DeepReindeer12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

Think about it like this...you are engaged to marry a woman who is willing to risk her future marriage for...a job.

The second she suggested that you try long distance is the second she ended the relationship.

It's already gone, man. She ended it right there. You aren't engaged anymore.

Bid her good luck and count your blessings, you just got two reprieves of execution. Lucky fuck.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

Moving for my wife is the biggest mistake I ever made.

My fiancee recently got a new job working in the fashion industry

This isn't going to work LD, this is a party field, if she isn't getting the dick from you, she will get it elsewhere.

[–]Opposite_Philosophy[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Moving for my wife is the biggest mistake I ever made.

How so? I've read that its a mistake to follow the woman's career but I've never met anyone who did. Can you elaborate?

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Moved from a city that had plenty of jobs for me to a nearby city that had plenty of jobs for her. I commuted back to the old city for a while, but it was too much driving for me, I couldn't deal with it. Left my job, started a business, and everything went downhill.

A career is like a house of cards. Once you have it built up, it's easy to knock down, but really hard to rebuild.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

For the record, I moved due to my wife's career. I'm not going to say what she does, but she's basically a 1% earner, shall we say. But that is still ok, because I have a career that only grew with the move, and I can essentially work from anywhere and grow and be successful.

It is dependent on your own circumstances. I have a high paid, well earning career, and so does my wife (though damn it, she makes more than I do, and I'm working to close the gap, and yes damn it I know that's my ego talking).

I would say you still have to be the man in your relationship, and have her be the woman, not the man. That's the risk you run against.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

meh, my buddy is the Chaddist Chad I know, makes 6 figs, will never catch up to the wife.

he makes it work, plus she can't balance a checkbook

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Pornstar with side stripping.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Trust me, I don't need that drama.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

> I'm not moving, this is not an option,

Your answer is in your post. What else you need? Explain and justify your decision to her, to the others, to the internet guys? How about you do what you want to do?

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your post reeks of scarcity mentality, both for your oneitis fiancee and your earning potential. Weak. DYEL?

[–]31Olives5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

The universe is stepping in to save you! DO NOT GET MARRIED! LDR is bullshit. Next.

[–]light-----------dark11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Consider this a blessing in disguise, and move on with your life.

Did you not learn from your last marriage?

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine19 points20 points  (1 child) | Copy

Divorced and now back engaged?

Fag

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You never disappoint mister Chad thundercock. Never.

[–]krystyin4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would postpone the wedding - neither one of you is ready to do what ever it takes to be with the other person. If you hold her back she will forever resent you - If you move your kid will forever resent you - if you love her let her go, if she loves you she will return. 12 months is a very short time - If it bothers you then your trust is low and should reconsider marriage. Good Luck

[–]CalvinRichland3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Tell her to do whatever she wants as she knows you can't move. If she goes just end it...

[–]dandar46002 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is from the sidebar:

Letting go of invisble friend.

Long distance relationships.

You know that doing this is giving your commitment for nothing, a future possibility of sex. In return she goes to new city, meet new people, ride the carousel and eventually will dump you. Why? Because you giving away your commitment for free lowers your value. Because she wants a man in her life. Because you are not there and she gets propositioned daily. Because she's human.

Be a rational man and see it for what it is. Wish her well, remain friends but you need to move on.

[–]GroundbreakingDevil2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Her name's Felicia, right?

You know what to do, fucking do it.

Sounds like you're in a good spot in life, there's more pussy where this one came from.

[–]BostonBrakeJob2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You already have your answer.

But, to highlight, her suggesting a LDR = you don't have the balls to kill the puppy and I don't want blood on my hands.

It's the beginning of the end. Send her on her way. And if she stays, don't put up with any of that "I stayed here for you..." bs. It'd be her decision, not your problem. You won't owe her jack shit.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hypergamy is alive and well.

An LDR is a death sentence to a fiancé situation.

It reminds me of my first LTR, and she was going off to college in a different state. I knew the relationship was doomed, but I still talked with her on the phone for a while. But, sure enough, she met some guy a month in at her school. My excuse is I was young and too weak to end it even though I knew what was coming. You don’t really have an excuse here if you stay with her.

As the old man on “No Country For Old Men” said “you can’t stop what’s comin’.”

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ah, the ubiquitous ‘break phase.’

I know it well.

[–]JameisBong1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm never getting married, I don't care if both Oprah and JLo proposed on one knee. End your engagement and do not get into long distance relationships.

[–]red-pill-man1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She loves her career more than you. Next.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

“I guess I’m struggling with putting a boundary on this long distance issue.”

Let’s back up for a moment. Your account and your post are 9 hours old. We know next to nothing about you, and you blew right past the ‘Cut the Shit’ post stickied at the top of this sub.

So in the last nine hours, the only sidebar you have read is if it was the actual word in a comment.

You are reading some fairly consistent answers because they issue forth from the same source, the sidebar. You are reading echoes of wisdom from men who have spent hundreds to thousands of hours reading and implementing the.... sidebar.

But, back to the boundary. You were struggling with it because it is a wrong thing to do, and you instinctively know it. What a fucking boundaries? “If you leave, it’s over. If you stay, I will become his info and bitchy, but it’s OK because I have oneitis and I haven’t swallowed that evil red pill.”

Go eat a steak and shit it into the toilet. There’s your fucking boundary. The one that will result in resentment and lost desire through negotiation.

You ignorant fuck. You are on the edge of awesome and the universe just gave you a gift. For the record, I’m not ant-marriage, but I AM anti-ignorance about marriage.

If I was you, this is what I’d do; cancel the wedding, send here on her way to pursue her dreams, and plate her. Done.

Now, consider the red pill. Imagine having a body of knowledge that will free your mind, release you from serving the gynocracy, understand the feminine imperative, and more specifically how you could have all-but-predicted her 33-year-old behavior for the life phase she is in as a woman.

Read, “The Rational Male,” and “Preventative Medicine,” both by Rollo Tomassi.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day…

I’m tired of tying rigs, baiting hooks, and casting lines…

Go fish, motherfucker.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Go eat a steak and shit it into the toilet

+1 for the veiled Matrix reference. I often wondered how Cypher would have felt shitting out that steak the next day.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

she's suggesting that we do "long distance" for a time while we figure out how to get her a different job here

Sorry, bro, but the common manosphere wisdom is that this means it is over. You just haven't put a fork in it. One possible solution is to let her go. If she comes back (at a time when you want her back) then she is yours. If she doesn't then she never was.

Other options include demoting her to booty call or plate and perhaps still maintain a connection? I mean, like, do you really think she wants full honesty? Honest is for LTR's who you share a life with, not would be wives and fiancées running around the country. Perhaps she returns- but that only happens if you have a life for her to enter back on your side of the country. I would focus on that first.

She has a rare opportunity if I am reading this correctly and it would not be very loving to interfere with that in any way. In the same way she could not interfere with your life and I can virtually guarantee one thing for you: She would not welcome you following her across the country like a jobless puppy.

Your choices are clear and so far your woman has led the way. She wants a Long Distance Relationship. Give her one. She wants ambiguity? I would give it to her- and I would keep my options very open.

[–]civilizedfrog1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She chose a job over having you in her life. Time to get back that ring and let her go. She just wants you to be the bad guy and end it. She will cheat on you if you continue this relationship. 100% guarantee.

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

NEVER, EVER put your career/passion/mission after a woman. Any woman!

  1. She is incapable of appreciating (or understanding) your sacrifice. If anything, she will see it as a huge DLV that you would prioritize her over yourself.

  2. She does not belong to you, it's just your turn. Why would you make a decision that will affect the rest of your life over a woman who may not be with you next month?

Your post reeks of scarcity. Frankly, you have no business being in an LTR while living in a scarcity mindset. This is the ultimate setup for failure.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is no such thing as a long distance relationship.

There is either long distance, OR a relationship. There is not both together at the same time.

If you have long distance, you don't have a relationship. YOu cannot conduct a relationship long distance.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Life is pretty fucking easy today. A lot of redundancy. There are maybe a handful of situations I would say that you are fucked in. Overall though life is a choice. Don't be fooled any other way. We aren't just out there bouncing around like bumper cars. Every one is making a choice. It's influenced to one degree or the other but in the end it is a conscious decision.

I can't make yours. You can't make mine and sure as fuck you can't make hers.

But I'm struggling with how to approach setting a fucking boundary here.

what boundary? What do you want?

Just tell her to make a choice? How should I approach this situation? Call off the wedding?

You seem to think marriage will lock her in. She can stay or go. How has this changed?

[–]Opposite_Philosophy[S] -3 points-2 points  (9 children) | Copy

You seem to think marriage will lock her in. She can stay or go. How has this changed?

That's not my concern here. I guess I'm struggling with putting a boundary on this long distance issue. I don't want that, but at the same time, I don't think its really reasonable to tell her to give up a really good job opportunity. Ultimately its her choice though. My worry is that if she does decide to stay, that I'll end up dealing with resentful bullshit from her and have to end it anyway.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Fuck. OK. Here is it.

That's not my concern here.

Stop lying to yourself...here's how i know.

I guess I'm struggling with putting a boundary on this long distance issue.

Boundary? No boundary what do you want? Is this how you see a relationship? If so then ok. If not ok.

I don't want that, but at the same time,

Cognitive distortion. Stop thinking in her frame. You don't know what she thinks what do you want?

I don't think its really reasonable to tell her to give up a really good job opportunity.

Stop thinking it's making my dick itch.

Ultimately its her choice though. My worry is that if she does decide to stay, that I'll end up dealing with resentful bullshit from her and have to end it anyway.

It always was. So what do you want?

That's not my concern here.

Do you see how I know what your real concern is here?

So OP what the fuck do YOU want? Then do that.

[–]Opposite_Philosophy[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I don't want an LDR. I don't want someone around who is resentful about leaving a career either. I'm asking if there is another approach.

I want to keep my career, and continue to move up and earn more. I want to model good behaviors for my son. I want to retire with a shit load of money. I want to get a black belt in BJJ.

I want a good RP relationship with this woman. (Outside of this predicament, she's good.) I understand that might not be possible in my circumstance. That's why I'm even on here asking for advice.

[–]red-pill-man2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'll type slower for you. By.....telling...you...she's....considering....this....job.... and....suggesting......a....... LDR.......she's.....saying.....it's......over.

She..... doesn't......want.....to....be....the.....bad.....guy. She.....won't.....end....it...... so ....you.....will....have.....to.

It's over dude.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Brother.

Take a deep breath and remember who the fuck you are.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I want a good RP relationship with this woman. (Outside of this predicament, she's good.) I understand that might not be possible in my circumstance. That's why I'm even on here asking for advice.

It is not possible in your circumstance.

Don't break it off, just be ready for when she does.

[–]red-pill-man1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're a dumbfuck.

[–]WesternhagenWinner-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm struggling with putting a boundary on this long distance issue.

Here's how to put a boundary on it; your hard boundary should be, "move out of town and we're done."

[–]red-pill-man2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It doesn't matter now. If she stays they're done. It's only a matter of time.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You seem to enjoy living dangerously, what with your desire to get married...twice! Instead, take the engagement ring back, sell it on C-list, and use the proceeds to buy some experience where you put your body in mortal danger...like skydiving.

[–]oytrp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're already behind the 8ball.

If you were actually leading this would be a non-starter. She would have asked permission and you could have just shut it down.

So now your option is to let your LTR who views you as much less than a captain to be far away unsupervised. She'll be on a new cock before Wednesday.

Abort.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

But I'm struggling with how to approach setting a fucking boundary here. Just tell her to make a choice? How should I approach this situation? Call off the wedding?

She's already made her choice. Once she moves, that's it. LTR becomes an LDR, and, if you have paid attention to any of this RP business, you know that LDRs=No Relationship. IIRC, three months is about the best an LDR can realistically last.

Just chill, but, get your backups (replacement chicks) started and watch RP do it's work!

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Tell her your not going and long distance isn’t going to work for you. (you have to know this bro... it’s doesn’t work... and her lifestyle in the fashion industry isn’t really going to jive with fidelity). Wish her best and let her go.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

LDR’s do not work.

You are no longer attractive. Fix that shit, watch this shit show disappear

However, one must realize exactly what one wants. As in you. Your hard boundary does not include you getting cucked, does it ?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hey, so I have some great experience with a LDR.

My wife and I dated for 5 months 3 weeks in person. She was hands down and is hands down the best woman I ever dated. Couldn’t get her off my dick, she constantly blew up my phone, cleaned and cooked me dinner before we lived together (yes she cleaned my house before we lived together) and did I mention this girl would not stay off my dick?

Our relationship was starting to wind down. Why? She was a student from abroad. We both knew this day was coming. What sucked is we got along real well. She was the first girl I kept around because she was fun to be with and she wanted that dick like a junkie needed the needle.

We decided to try an LDR. She flew back home which was 5.000 miles. We text every day, Skyped every day, watched movies online together, had dinners together and even spent some holidays together like New Years. We did this for a year and a half.

Eventually I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. I had us meet up in another country because I couldn’t get a visa to her home country and she couldn’t come back to mine. I popped the question and she said yes. Six months later she came back to my country and we’ve been married for three years.

This story isn’t to show you that it can work. This story of mine is to tell you that you’ve got to be a very desirable motherfucker for a woman to do this. We text, Skyped, ate dinners, and spent holidays together. She wrote me letters, that I never received until after she came here. Funny story about that. She wrote me a Christmas card. I got it the week she came back, 10 months later. Her country has poor infrastructure and loses mail a lot.

Point is it can work but if your woman isn’t devoted and you aren’t, it won’t work. I never cheated and as far as I know she never cheated. Could she have? Yes, we both could have and yes she definitely could have, she was gorgeous. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide whether you can handle it. All I know is three years later my wife is still doing everything she did while we dated.



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