707,481 posts

Should I inform wife of job hunting?

Reddit View
August 6, 2018
13 upvotes

Stats

142lbs squat 195 dl 205 bp 110 (SL 5x5 plus accessory work)

Short question: I'm starting to get recruiters from companies pinging me for a new job and will be doing some interviews in the following weeks/months. Goal is better pay (looks like the offers so far all have a pretty significant increase). Already make low 6 figures, but can add about $30k per year to that just by switching to a new company.

Should I bother telling the wife that I'm on the market or just wait until I have actual information to share. In the vein of STFU and not telling people my goals and just working the problem, it seems like I should just keep it to myself for now.

Pretty sure I just answered my own question, but any community input is welcome.

Edit: Got my answer. Thanks all. STFU until I have actual news to share.

Edit 2: mixed advice in here so I went ahead and brought it up to let her know I had a few interviews set up already. It immediately turned into a shit test, of course, but I ended up passing. She sulked for a while, so I just went and had fun with the kids and she's back to happy wife now. I'll post more details in OYS tomorrow, but I learned the lesson (yet again) that I can't rely on her for support in my decisions at this point in my RP journey. Gotta do some navel gazing on that one.


Post Information
Title Should I inform wife of job hunting?
Author shadowycoder
Upvotes 13
Comments 40
Date 06 August 2018 06:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204119
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9542hj/should_i_inform_wife_of_job_hunting/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
shit test
Comments

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret17 points18 points  (5 children) | Copy

Should I bother telling the wife that I'm on the market or just wait until I have actual information to share. In the vein of STFU and not telling people my goals and just working the problem, it seems like I should just keep it to myself for now.

Pretty sure I just answered my own question, but any community input is welcome.

You already know the answer. Bring her in the loop when you have a legitimate job offer you are planning to accept. I can't think of any advantages and only disadvantages to bringing her onto the job hunting roller coaster.

[–]shadowycoder[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Thanks for confirming. Makes perfect sense. Same as any of my other goals.

[–]RingoLaBrea0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Would any potential employer require a move out of state? On that you should confer.

[–]friendandadvisor2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

His question was whether or not he should start blabbing now or wait until he has information.

[–]RingoLaBrea4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Potential employees will often bail during the offer process due to family relocation objections. It’s a discussion to get in front of, before wasting everyones time or creating undue stress.

[–]shadowycoder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not in this case. Specifically looking for in-coty or remote work. But good call-out.

[–]chachaChad7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife is a valuable resource in the household. She often has different, valid viewpoints on things. I don't see anything wrong with talking to her about it. She also understands that what I do for work is up to me and trusts my decisions.

[–]boy_named_su14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy

Women don't care about your potential. Just outcomes

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nailed it.

[–]FlyingSexistPig9 points10 points  (25 children) | Copy

Your redpill journey includes self-validation. If you are going to lead, you don't ask permission. If you ask permission, you aren't leading.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (24 children) | Copy

There is a difference between asking permission and discussing your plans with your wife.

I see nothing wrong with getting her input on the move.

The final say is still his, but another perspective can't hurt.

[–]FlyingSexistPig7 points8 points  (23 children) | Copy

You think you’re just discussing your plans. You’re not. You’re offloading your responsibility onto her.

Don’t do that.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (19 children) | Copy

I trust my wife to help me look at all sides of a major decision, and then I make the major decision. I'm not offloading of my responsibility to her. It's keeping her in the loop and getting her input.

Put it this way, why would you keep it from her? Are you afraid of her reaction? That's living in her frame.

If I were to approach my wife about this, I'd say, "Babe, I'm thinking about changing jobs. Looking at the job market, it looks like I'm underpaid by about $30k right now and I'm ready for a switch. I've thought about [x, y and z] already. What haven't I thought about?"

Maybe she'll say, "What about health insurance and the gap we'll have between jobs?" Oh fuck... I didn't think about that!

A captain at sea wouldn't make major decision that affects the whole crew without consulting the first mate. That's just stupid.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

I ask my girl about stuff too, if I'm fairly certain it's going to happen. She does have an ability to point out things I may have missed. That being said, I do it very rarely for the following 2 reasons.

  1. Keeping her in the dark until you can come in and tell her potentially life changing news helps you appear mysterious and as the master of your own universe. Telling your woman everything all the time kills attraction.

  2. She isn't on your team, and the things she tells you will be what she thinks is best for her. Yea, it's usually the same, but you must always consider what she says through that frame of mind, which doesn't work for me because my goals are to take care of myself as #1, and her 3rd or 4th down on the list.

Plus, what if you tell your wife that you're 30k underpaid but can't get a job or one that pays 30k more? Even if you get 29k she'll shit test you with "why not 30?" Keep her in your frame by playing things close to your chest. A good captain asks for advice and feed back, a great captain doesn't have to.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

This sounds like you are in her frame.

"Oooo.... better not tell my wife I'm looking for a job because if I don't find one, she'll shit test me. And I'm a-scared of shit tests!"

There is no reason not to tell your wife this unless you are afraid of your wife.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

I would bet you a million dollars your wife would rather experience the joy and suprise of having you walk in one day and casually tell her you just made a deal giving you 30k more, than to have to listen to your thoughts and feelings every step of the way until you get there.

Familiarity breeds contempt. The more you show her about your successes, the less she will feel about them and the less she will feel towards you when you make them happen.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'd have to disagree with you there.

My wife would be pissed that I made such a major life change without even letting her know that I was looking.

To be fair, this change very much affects her too.

My wife has proven herself to be a valuable asset when discussing things. As "alpha" as I want to think I am, emotions can and do cloud my judgement. She's very good at helping me work through my emotions and see the logic of what I'm doing. She always leaves the final decision to me, but she's there to offer her opinions, which have been solid opinions worth considering.

I know most wives aren't like this, and each man should evaluate just how much involvement he is comfortable with. It's entirely possible that some wives don't give a flying fuck where the money comes from as long as it comes, and your perspective would be spot on for this type of wife. My wife couldn't be further from this type.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

My wife would be pissed that I made such a major life change without even letting her know that I was looking.

So? Since when is pissing your wife off a bad thing?

Also, it should be implied that you're always looking for something better. Telling her shouldn't make a difference. If you only decide to upgrade now, it implies that you were complacent before, which isn't a good trait to display. Your wife will never say this, but she will think it.

I will say that if the upgrade involves a move or switching kids schools, then yea, fill her in. Otherwise why tell her? I think you're placing too much weight in your wife's words and what she tells you she likes. If I took my gf's words at face value, I'd be skinny, pale with shitty hair and no frame. Luckily I don't listen to her and she is 100% better for it, even though she would say the opposite. Then again, I'm in control of my emotions and don't need a woman to set me straight when I'm trying to make a decision. I would advise you to be cautious in dealing with her like that.

Anyways, congrats on having the first ever known non-AWALT wife. I think you should get an award or something.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy

So? Since when is pissing your wife off a bad thing?

I don't care if I piss her off. You were arguing that any wife would be happy not knowing. I'm countering that by saying that yes, my wife would care.

Also, it should be implied that you're always looking for something better.

This is a fair point that sort of renders the rest of the conversation moot. If the understanding is that I'm never settling for good enough and I'm always going to be looking for a better gig, then when I find one, it shouldn't be a surprise.

Then again, I'm in control of my emotions and don't need a woman to set me straight when I'm trying to make a decision.

How very alpha of you. I'm introspective enough to recognize my weaknesses and take steps to mitigate the risk that my weaknesses pose.

Anyways, congrats on having the first ever known non-AWALT wife.

Yeah yeah... I've heard it before. Motte/Baily runs rampant in RP. On the one hand it's, "No no... we're not LITERALLY saying that AWALT..." and on the other, "Your wife isn't a snowflake! AWALT faggot!!"

Well, my wife is a snowflake. Deal with it. I guess I'll take my award.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

wouldn't it make more sense to say?

"Hey. I went looking and have a job offer that pays $30k more. Here are some details. What am I missing?"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

What's the difference??

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

One is having the job offer in hand. The other includes unnecessary uncertainty.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Feelings vs. reality.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (5 children) | Copy

Man, you guys must have some really shit wives.

I guess for us guys that have wives that are able to give valuable feedback while still letting us steer the ship, I'd prefer more information than less.

But, every man needs to decide for himself what level of involvement they want from the first mate.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

You asked what the difference was between the two statements.

"I think I'm worth more" = Feelings

"I just got an offer for more" = Reality

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

If the job market shows that your current position is worth 30k more, that's not feelings... It's facts.

You don't "feel" like you're worth more, you simply ARE worth more.

I've actually done this before. I was underpaid by about 35k and I printed out 6 job postings for my current position and went to my boss and showed him I'm underpaid. I told him I loved working here, but I can't justify it for that much less. He raised me up to an appropriate level.

In no part of that did my feelings enter the equation.

[–]FlyingSexistPig0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed.

The details of the discussion matter a lot.

[–]shadowycoder[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I brought it up that I had some interviews booked and it didn't go well, but I passed the test in the end. There's a lesson in there I need to dig out and it's got something to do with owning my own shit and not giving her more to worry about.

[–]FlyingSexistPig0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When you have offers on the table and they require you to move, then involve her. But otherwise, make the hard decision on your own, and then when you switch to the new job, tell her you have a different work phone.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just curious, but what did she say?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Remember that MRP is a captain/first mate hierarchy, not a master/slave.

Personally, I'd discuss a major life event like this with my first mate and get her input.

Obviously the final decision is yours to make, but she might have valuable input that you hadn't thought of. More information is always better than less.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Mommy, look at me, look at me.. bla bla bla.

If you don’t get the job, she’ll see you as a failure that you are. If you do get the job, she’ll already have plans on how she will spend the extra $30k. Probably a new kitchen upgrade or down payment on an inground swimming pool.

She doesn’t give a fuck about you. She doesn’t even “love” you. She only cares about the feelz & resources you can provide.

[–]shadowycoder[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Oh it would definitely be an elaborate trip. Don't own a house, haha.

But point made. It's all very much in the exploration stage so I'll wait until something actually comes along that I plan on taking seriously.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Don't own a house, haha.”

You will now, faggot.

Pocket the extra cash homo.

[–]Red-Curious0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So much of this stuff never pans out. When you mentioned that you were getting offers, but without an actual offer in-hand yet, she interpreted that as, "He's a hopeful dreamer with nothing practical to offer from keeping his head in the clouds." That wasn't a test. That was her pointing out how you screwed up. Oh well, keep lifting and move on.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Telling anyone would be virba non acta .

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I can't rely on her for support in my decisions at this point in my RP journey. Gotta do some navel gazing on that one.

if she chooses to support your decisions, great. however, you can't ever RELY or NEED a woman's support on anything. might as well throw sand in her vagina. burden of performance

[–]Rhynovirus-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wait till you have actual news. But in a marriage you can't keep something as important as your family income a secret. If you get a solid offer you'd like to interview for, you're required to mention it.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2020. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter