Me 42, wife 39, 3 kids. BW 164, HT 5’9. BP 195, SQ 200, DL 275, OP 130.
TL;DR - wife travelled on business trip, may have cheated, still angry.
I posted earlier this week about losing attraction to my wife. I received helpful advice and criticism that boils down to: 1. I’m still in the anger phase. 2. I’m still putting pussy on a pedestal (just not hers). 3. My lifts suck (working on that).
So I asked myself why I am still angry. I know it’s because she may have cheated. So far in the past (7 years ago), there’s no way to prove or disprove it now, but all the red flags are there.
At the time she had a corporate job and occasionally travelled. During this time period, she was physically distant and sexually cold. This was after the recession, in which I lost my company and my confidence. I’ve got both those back now plus some.
On one of her trips she went out to dinner with workmates, then out drinking with them afterwards “because she rode with them from the hotel, she had to stay with them”. Normally, she’s not much of a drinker. The routine was she would call before she went to bed. But that night, no call or text. In fact, I didn’t hear from her until late afternoon the next day when she was at a layover on the flight home.
I was suspicious when she got home, but also afraid to know the truth. I asked a few questions but didn’t press hard and didn’t know what trickle truth was. Here is what she told me then:
- She says she went out sightseeing alone earlier in the day. There are pictures of her by herself with tourist areasin the background. She doesn’t remember who took them.
- Says she went to dinner with co-workers. Felt obligated.
- Stayed out drinking with co-workers because they were her ride.
- At some point she mentioned being annoyed with another co-worker at the bar because this woman told her she shouldn’t be flirting with the guy she was sitting next to since she’s married. (But said she wasn’t flirting. Now she doesn’t remember this at all)
- She stayed at this bar with whoever she was talking to while her co-workers went somewhere else for a while. Caught up with them later. (Now she doesn’t remember this either)
- Didn’t call/text when she got back to hotel room. No contact till late next day.
There was another instance less than a year prior to that where she said her boss was flirting and sexually harassing her, making inappropriate comments and touching (back rubs, hand on her thigh). She reported him, there was an investigation, he was fired and she ended up with his job. I white-knighted like a good beta. I don’t snoop anymore, but I did back then. Went through her email accounts and found she had deleted 99% of emails to/from her boss.
Other instances throughout our marriage of her being overtly flirty with other men.
In the past year since I swallowed the pill, started setting my boundaries and expectations, and actually began to lead, her behavior has improved much.
I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’ve done all the reading and am very well aware that I was low value at that point and I deserved it. I’m putting my time in and improving myself, FOR myself. I also see that I’m 42, and don’t want to waste the next 20 years of my life. She’s 39 in great shape, but in my mind what she brings to the table beyond this point diminishes daily.
My question is: What’s your read? Did she cheat? My gut says yes and that’s why I’m still angry. Did any of you guys stick around after a similar situation and was it worth it?
EDIT: Got a lot of good comments here. Frankly I’m embarrassed I posted this in the first place; but, I’m going to leave it up. I hope it will be a good example for someone else that slips up and needs to get back on track. For the past few months, my frame had been solid with her and I had put that past shit aside - IDGAF. Lately I’ve been backsliding a bit, losing some frame. Why? I don’t know, but whatever. I’m going to focus on myself, hold my frame and work on my lifts and STFU. Going to start SL5x5. Thanks to all those who responded for the criticism and truth.