Latent anger - thought I was past it; wife may have cheated

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August 2, 2018
13 upvotes

Me 42, wife 39, 3 kids. BW 164, HT 5’9. BP 195, SQ 200, DL 275, OP 130.

TL;DR - wife travelled on business trip, may have cheated, still angry.

I posted earlier this week about losing attraction to my wife. I received helpful advice and criticism that boils down to: 1. I’m still in the anger phase. 2. I’m still putting pussy on a pedestal (just not hers). 3. My lifts suck (working on that).

So I asked myself why I am still angry. I know it’s because she may have cheated. So far in the past (7 years ago), there’s no way to prove or disprove it now, but all the red flags are there.

At the time she had a corporate job and occasionally travelled. During this time period, she was physically distant and sexually cold. This was after the recession, in which I lost my company and my confidence. I’ve got both those back now plus some.

On one of her trips she went out to dinner with workmates, then out drinking with them afterwards “because she rode with them from the hotel, she had to stay with them”. Normally, she’s not much of a drinker. The routine was she would call before she went to bed. But that night, no call or text. In fact, I didn’t hear from her until late afternoon the next day when she was at a layover on the flight home.

I was suspicious when she got home, but also afraid to know the truth. I asked a few questions but didn’t press hard and didn’t know what trickle truth was. Here is what she told me then:

  1. She says she went out sightseeing alone earlier in the day. There are pictures of her by herself with tourist areasin the background. She doesn’t remember who took them.
  2. Says she went to dinner with co-workers. Felt obligated.
  3. Stayed out drinking with co-workers because they were her ride.
  4. At some point she mentioned being annoyed with another co-worker at the bar because this woman told her she shouldn’t be flirting with the guy she was sitting next to since she’s married. (But said she wasn’t flirting. Now she doesn’t remember this at all)
  5. She stayed at this bar with whoever she was talking to while her co-workers went somewhere else for a while. Caught up with them later. (Now she doesn’t remember this either)
  6. Didn’t call/text when she got back to hotel room. No contact till late next day.

There was another instance less than a year prior to that where she said her boss was flirting and sexually harassing her, making inappropriate comments and touching (back rubs, hand on her thigh). She reported him, there was an investigation, he was fired and she ended up with his job. I white-knighted like a good beta. I don’t snoop anymore, but I did back then. Went through her email accounts and found she had deleted 99% of emails to/from her boss.

Other instances throughout our marriage of her being overtly flirty with other men.

In the past year since I swallowed the pill, started setting my boundaries and expectations, and actually began to lead, her behavior has improved much.

I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’ve done all the reading and am very well aware that I was low value at that point and I deserved it. I’m putting my time in and improving myself, FOR myself. I also see that I’m 42, and don’t want to waste the next 20 years of my life. She’s 39 in great shape, but in my mind what she brings to the table beyond this point diminishes daily.

My question is: What’s your read? Did she cheat? My gut says yes and that’s why I’m still angry. Did any of you guys stick around after a similar situation and was it worth it?

EDIT: Got a lot of good comments here. Frankly I’m embarrassed I posted this in the first place; but, I’m going to leave it up. I hope it will be a good example for someone else that slips up and needs to get back on track. For the past few months, my frame had been solid with her and I had put that past shit aside - IDGAF. Lately I’ve been backsliding a bit, losing some frame. Why? I don’t know, but whatever. I’m going to focus on myself, hold my frame and work on my lifts and STFU. Going to start SL5x5. Thanks to all those who responded for the criticism and truth.


Post Information
Title Latent anger - thought I was past it; wife may have cheated
Author Bushpilot817
Upvotes 13
Comments 52
Date 02 August 2018 06:36 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204133
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/941xmg/latent_anger_thought_i_was_past_it_wife_may_have/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
betaframecheatingpedestaltrickle truth
Comments

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points  (6 children) | Copy

You are being a needy, mate-guarding bitch. You're so caught up on what-ifs it's making you crazy.

My wife works in a male dominated profession and I know for a fact has several orbiters dying to get in her pants. She goes away for business conferences pretty frequently and could easily cheat without me ever knowing. Maybe she already has? This is the cost of being with a high value woman- men what to fuck them.

What can I do about it? Absolutely nothing. You need to come to terms with this fact. Maybe your wife cheated. Maybe she didn't. Only she and Chad know the answer to that question. But your frame needs to be strengthened to the point where such possibilities are hilarious to you. Life is just a game, man. All you have to do to win is have fun. You can't win by focusing on and worrying about negative shit like a cheating spouse.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Damn. That was great to read, just now. I'm struggling with this a bit, my wife is pretty HV, plus I allow her to share (and I join in on) photos and video, and she has a number of 'fans' that she chats with. A couple of which we have met in person. Generally, I', not too jealous, but it does happen.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Maybe I am naive, but what does it mean you let her share photos and videos and you join in?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

We are on a kink site, basically Facebook with fuck pics.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's often not too far a stretch to go from chitchatting with fanbois on line, to meeting up with one, to....

Be careful.

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You’re right, I can’t do anything about it. Having fun and enjoying life is where I need to shift my focus.

[–]pridebrah0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nailed it. Just decide if you want to be with her or not and make a move. Even if she hasn't cheated it doesn't sound like you're thrilled with this chick.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy

I feel you man, when I read all this shit for the first time and it all made sense, I started freaking out. My mind racing as I realized my special snowflake soulmate was AWALT as fuck.

I started remembering that time she stayed with some friends and didn't call that night, or went to one friends house but I thought maybe I heard a dudes voice in the background noise when she called, or that red mark on her neck that one time that might have been anything. There are a million little clues that former beta guys can think back on and wonder about forever, but that doesn't matter. What matters is accepting your wife as AWALT, and moving past that. My gf is at work now, but for all i know she could be getting railed by my neighbor and I'd be none the wiser, and she wouldn't give a shit because she's not on my team anyway. THAT'S the part you need to accept. Your wife was never on your team, and she never will be. As long as she adds value and is trustworthy enough to keep around, there's really not much you can do.

Make your standards and boundaries known now, but you won't get anywhere dwelling on what ifs. Is she worth it today, or not? That's all that matters.

Or if you think she really did cheat, just own it and dump her ass, she is AWALT after all and there are tons of other women just like her out there

[–]friendandadvisor6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

It certainly seems to me as if she cheated. Her story of losing her memory after being drunk in the bar sort of clenches it for me. Then, not fucking calling till the next day??? Pffft.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

You have never blacked out? I seem to remember waking up on the floor multiple times and never once got laid while blacked out. As far as I remember.

[–]friendandadvisor4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

You have never blacked out?

OK, the wife is as pure as the driven snow. She was probably roofied before she was raped, and all of her friends just left her there in the bar. She, being a woman of extremely high virtue, was too embarrassed to mention it to police.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I am just saying that all black outs don't end up in sex. Contrary to popular wisdom to 'guard your drink because all men keep roofies up their sleeves in the bar' the fact is that most men are very much turned off by blacked out unconscious women. I agree that a woman of high virtue does not put herself in a position where she blacks out.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm just saying that 99.99 percent of 'blackouts' are lies. There was no 'blackout', except in her communication with you. IOW, she made it up. "Blackout" is code for "I fucked somebody, but, I can't just say 'I fucked somebody, or you'll divorce me'".

IMHO, that is.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was thinking that first thing this morning and came back to say the blackout story was probably bullcrap.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

you marry a girl who often gets blackout drunk?

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No way, that was me blackout drunk.

[–]hack3geRed Beret10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm in a similar boat - I have to assume my wife cheated because of what I know now from RP but I have no way of knowing for sure.

The recommendations I've been given is to do the work while you are married and then see how you feel about it as time can change things BUT only if you don't think she is actively cheating. My wife has no idea that I know that she likely had an affair and for now I am keeping that close to the vest - if it comes to it I will use that information as necessary to either set a boundary or as leverage. I could hamster that its possible she didn't have an affair but I'd much rather go straight to the worst possible scenario assume that and see how that resonates with me.

Be careful as I saw your other post about your feelings for your wife - if you can't move past it the resentment will come out in your reactions with her - ask me how I know. You will enjoy too much when you are fucking with her and her hamster is spinning out of control. I've caused some unnecessary issues in my relationship because of it and although I don't know what I will decide in the end I know that right now I can at least work on me and not have the resentment come out with her.

The way I look at it now is if it comes up again I'll next her so fast the door won't even be open all the way when the papers hit her - I'm not the same person I was before and perhaps she knows that, perhaps she doesn't but I know I'll handle my shit no matter what comes up.

I read a J10 post about the price you pay for your beta past - you need to decide if her actions and her possibly having cheated on the old you is something you can get over and move on from or not. You are likely not in a position to make that decision at this point so don't ruminate on it and just do the work and unfuck yourself first.

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. I hear you. I’ve definitely caught myself punishing her.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

The fact she let this thought enter your head without concern is all you need to know.

Lets say she did, would you act different? Or would you move the goalposts until you are where you are now?

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If I knew for certain, I think it would be over. I wouldn’t feel like I could trust her again. To me, moving the goal posts would just be saying “that’s okay honey, I forgive you, just don’t let it happen again”.

Saying that, though, I remember that per TRP we can’t trust them anyway, right? So then it doesn’t matter if she did or didn’t; I should just shit or get off the pot.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're chasing ghosts. You will never know. The circumstances you describe cause little concern, but as others have said, it's just as likely she cheated when she was at work during the day.

One of the best things I learnt here is to look for signs of loyalty not disloyalty.

Go and get your own if it bothers you this much

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Been trying to look for the loyalty. I see it too. Thanks.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

At some point she mentioned being annoyed with another co-worker at the bar because this woman told her she shouldn’t be flirting with the guy she was sitting next to since she’s married.

And there’s a possible textbook trickle truth.... hard to tell for sure

See how she reacts when you bring it up in a joking way

Also, keep in mind sometimes when we really believe something, we look for evidence to prove it true. So, keep lifting, reading, and STFU.

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, this thought occurred to me. I just need to get over it and move one way or the other.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have to find a way to stop your hamster. I’ve been where you are and it’s a painful shitty place. It’s like you know your thoughts are bs, but you can’t stop them. Interject new thoughts

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

wife may have

Yes she did.

On one level, AWALT. On the other hand, did you deserve it?

Read u/cholomite 's comment.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Did she cheat? You will never know. It doesn't matter what she says, you cannot know if it is the truth. If you confront her, you prove to her that you were, and still are, a low value man. If she did cheat, you give her a reminder of her justification of cheating on you.

If you want to stay with her, put the past where it belongs, in the past. The past is not an actionable space, where only the present is truly actionable.

Build on the positive changes you have made in the last year. Let her forget your beta past, if she will. Being angry about your wife's past, potentially bad behavior, is beyond self defeating.

Quit wasting your time....again.

[–]08Winchester0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great insight!

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Best thing to do is write all the scenarios down, and then burn them.

At some point, you have to decide that you are the prize, act and live it. Especially, as time goes on the wall does more to lower her SMV. And, yours goes up

In the grand scheme of things, you cannot control any person but you, and you will not know if she cheated unless you were there, or she admits it.

Getting that admission maybe easy or tough.

But, I will tell you, your silence and stoicism over all her behaviors, puts you in control. And, like the prize you are you have 100% control over you, and because of your boundaries as of now, and you valuing you, and living that you value you, above anything else, puts you in control

So what, you lost a company, that does not change who you actually are.

So what, she cheated. That’s on you, but you are correcting that now, so let it go and put some value in the tank

BTW. Mate guarding is unattractive. Hamstering and verbalizing what if’s in the past, is also unattractive.

Lift. Read. STFU. Stoicism. Dread. Dread

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Solid response. Thanks

[–]bob13bob1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

sounds like you want to leave regardless, so do it. you only have one life.

[–]FeralRed1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're asking the wrong question.

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What? I should just decide if I want to leave or not?

[–]ploppylumpkins1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

AWALT?

Yes she cheated and has been probably from early on in the relationship.

This is the major flaw in the MRP. If you are married and a Chad you are still being cucked so don’t feel too bad.

AWALT.

[–]RedPillCoach2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's a flaw in the current Frankenstein incarnation of marriage, not a flaw in MRP. Merps are well aware of the issues. Caveat Emptor.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There may be a statue of limitation of exactly 7 years on adultery and holding it in abeyance like this while you hamster away is very...womanly.

I am guessing you have plenty going on in your wife (get it?) right now without doing the Don Quioxte style of marriage where you run around slaying dragons but end up just chasing windmills.

[–]08Winchester1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Where there’s trickle truth, there’s a big fat lie that’s never going to come to be confessed.

Roughly the same age as you, have 4 children, and with my wife overall 26 years.

I’m almost a month in to the RP and am getting immediate results. Blowjobs on demand, sex when I want. A suddenly submissive wife that contributes to the household just a bit more.

Am I happy? With myself, yes. With her, no.

Found evidence a little more daunting than yours. Trickletruth, gaslighting, smokscreening followed.

I’m no fool. Decided to not let the tactics deter me. Decided to live my life. Right in front of her face too.

Like you I bounce back and forth with the notion this is indeed my fault. But the deception in and of itself knaws at me. Realizing the notion of AWALT compounds my anger about it. It’s just ridiculous.

My current mindset: keep improving. Keep evolving. Take the blow jobs. Revel in the fact if she was or still is fucking around outside my house, I’m seriously impinging her endeavors. I’m handing back the stress and it’s entertaining. Evil on some level but IDGAS.

Trapped in a unique family position here. Sounds like you might be too. Makes it hard to break away. All we can do is play our cards, live our lives, maintain our stance.

Be the train and keep going forward; one day she’ll fly off and you’ll find yourself picking up new passengers along the way. Between now and then, live, enjoy, raise your kids, turn your wife into your personal slut or get a GF.

STFU always and leave her thoughts in constant overdrive.

On the overall, sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure you’re amazed as much as I how a wife and mother can risk the happiness of a household over a dumb decision whilst falling for the lines of yet another asshole male who doesn’t respect other dudes.

I hear a virtual “OYS faggot” on its way so I’ll stop here. Best of luck.

On mobile; please decipher typos accordingly.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

My question is: What’s your read? Did she cheat?

Who fucking cares. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, maybe she is right now, maybe she will tomorrow, maybe she'll wait until Tuesday.

Stop fucking worrying about her so damn much, dumbass.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She cheated because she has zero dread or respect for you. She sounds like a low character woman (Western world is full of them) but, there is nothing you can do about the past so, build yourself into the man that she would never cheat on again. If she comes back in line, great. If not, you'll be able to chart your course without her along with a high level of personal badassity.

[–]broneilbro0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Trust me, I know how it feels. I have three experiences with my SBX that I only are able to see through the lies to see her actions. The trust just isn't there because every time it starts is when I am gone doing military things. The BP me would want to work through it and all that but now I just sit amused.

My MIL called me and we discussed things. She is disappointed with how my wife is doing things and wants us to work through it. She also explained how my wife stated shes doing her big dream job and is in a better place. She mentioned being a deployed single mom was emotionally taxing and that wife wanted to have fun etc. I listened and didn't really explain anything.

I responded with her actions are hers, and I have been away for a year from my child and family and yet some of us can't see pass our sacrifices to see others.

MIL started to hamster but from what I gather my wife tried to spin it as I was probably sleeping around because I sent some flirty texts over 5 years ago. Yeah I owned it at the time as the context was a little blurry but still...I find it funny how they protect themselves.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Hey bnb,

Have you found out conclusively about stbx and Chad in the sack?

[–]broneilbro0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I haven’t but all signs point towards it. 95% of her free time they are together. They even had breakfast together with my daughter. My father got a PI because he felt the same thing as he is slight RP and didn’t even tell me about it until recently. Pops has seen the deployment boyfriend before but with their overnights and such it would be ignorant to say it isn’t it. Father has setup the PI to do drivebys at the new place once they get moved in but we will see.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

There is no question.

[–]broneilbro0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yup. Once you destroy the pedestal and truly emotionally detach from the hope of it not being true you start to see the real truth. I’m keeping it cordial and friendly as I still need an ally as she is the mother to my daughter.

[–]LocutusOfBorgIsMe0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Needs to be said - how is your max bench essentially equal to your max squat. Pro Tip - benching everyday doesn’t make you an Alpha.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Humans are not manogomus, marriage is an abomination. Welcome to plant earth. Half the people here have a vagina.

Tell yourself she cheated and get past it or next her. There are no other options.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Meh.

If you are a high value man - you would not worry about her overtly flirting with other men.

That is the mindset you need to develop.

Nothing else matters.

[–]helaughsinhidden-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

She cheated. You must have learned her actions speak more truth than her words ever would. Her hamstering about your loss of frame justified it before she even took the trip.

Leave or stay, you need to be better. You are no less of a man now if you leave or stay, but either way you should let go of that anger that you have towards her and turn it into disdain for becoming a beta.

All things happen for a reason and serve a purpose. Pain has a purpose. It teaches what words fail to convey. A small burn on the finger is better than yelling at kids 1000x to keep their hands away from the stove, right? Keep yourself from going back to being a beta cuck. I've known people that were in worse scenarios than this who have turned their shit fest marriage into something pretty good, admirable even.

The real question is this, do you TELL her you know or let it stay as is? If you are going to stay, calmly talking to her like Don Draper in an ad pitch that you know what happened and that you're willing to forgive what happened then, but won't tolerate her crossing any boundaries anymore gives you a position of power. You are now the one on the "high road". You are also the one who is being "tolerant" of her inferior behavior. You also are dropping a metric ton of dread on her head. Others may make a good argument for leaving or for not saying anything, but if handled correctly, this could be the leverage you need to complete your coup d'état for the control of the relationship. Very much in line with 48 laws of power (read it or watch this summary on youtube). Especially Law 31, control the options: get others to play with the cards you deal.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Op do not tell her you know. If you tell her this stupid shit above your actions speak “im a bitch” regardless what don drapper bullshit voice you use.

He knows I fucked someone else and he did nothing, thats what she will remember.

[–]Bushpilot817[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Gotta agree with you here. To me that’s just saying it’s okay.

[–]helaughsinhidden0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

To be honest, I don't disagree with you, but a lot of men won't be able keep it to themselves anymore. So if that is the case at least keep frame and use it for leverage. Also, you could have her sign a new prenup (postnup) if she wants to stay to prevent divorce rape.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Gag



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