706,399 posts

Am I being retarted

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August 2, 2018
6 upvotes

My wife grew up through some significant abuse and has a hard time opening up. She recently received really terrible news that really effects her only regarding a family member of hers. Instead of opening up about it, she shuts down completely and refuses to talk about it and goes into like zombie mode.

I tried telling her I'm here for her and I love her and such, but she just stays shut down. I am gone from her for the next 3 months due to buisness. So really all I've been able to do is Skype and try to be her oak. She just doesnt open up though, if she does she gets very upset... like to the extreme and says she cant control herself and she has to go so she can get calm down. I tried to tell her being upset is normal in situations like this. After seeing she didnt want to open up I told her I wasnt going to make her open up but I'm here for her if she needs me and I love her. I told her I'd make sure I was avail to answer if she called for any reason.

She started venting via text after wr got off Skype and I figure atleast this is a way for her to vent. But she got upset to the point she said to just leave her alone, and i responded I can understand she is upset and needs space, that I'll be here when she needs me, and dropped the convo.

It seriously bothers me that she doesnt open up. She refuses to open up at all. I hate that how she was raised (beaten for even crying) effects her ability to open up. She doesnt process negative life stuff very effectively and shes pretty internally self destructive when that happens. I'm not sure what is the best way to Oak for her, or be her Oak even from afar... I dont wanna over do it showing I'm here for her... I also dont wanna go Rambo and not give her comfort when she needs it. I just know it bothers me deeply that she doesnt open up because I want her to be able to rely on me in tough times and see her process through bad times in a healthy way. And I'm not sure how to help here.

Edit:

Based on other posts, I've been told I'm going fucking Rambo, failing comfort tests and not making my wife feel like she is my priority. So, I tried being here for her in this one, instead of just telling her things were gonna be ok and moving the fuck on. Apprecently from the first few comments I've read, I'm not sure how to not be her girlfriend but also be an Oak, but also not be a fucking Rambo. So specific advice on why I should go out of my way to call her every day and tell her I love her and showing I love her is not against MRP rules... but yet, when shes upset and I'm trying to be here for her I'm being a faggot who is trying to be a girlfriend. This seems super contradictory to me.


Post Information
Title Am I being retarted
Author kendallb183
Upvotes 6
Comments 51
Date 02 August 2018 10:22 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204135
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/93y2vj/am_i_being_retarted/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
comfort test
Comments

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill15 points16 points  (4 children) | Copy

CALLING CAPTAIN SAV-A-HO, CALLING CAPTAIN SAV-A-HO!

Mental illness, depression, and the like are things that can't be fixed by you as a husband.

but yet, when shes upset and I'm trying to be here for her I'm being a faggot who is trying to be a girlfriend

No, you're not being a faggot because of this. It's more insidious than that, you're trying to fix her. Does it make you uncomfortable that she does this? Do her feelings make you uncomfortable?

Detach the emotional hose.

Simply state, "I understand you hurt. I'm hear if you need me." Full stop.

Then the real question I have for you is, what's broken with you captain sav-a-ho?

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Had I not gotten the advice I was given a few days ago, I'd prob tell her that this all will be ok and she needs to focus on the future, then if she didnt perk up, I'd distance myself from her...

But I thought that fell into the autist Rambo category, so I went with the try to provide comfort side of things.

I am not like begging her to talk to me, I've said basically what you said. I told her I'm not gonna try to push her to open up, that I love her and I'm on her side, if she needs to talk I'll make sure and be availiable.

She said the whole world is against her or some shit, I said I wasnt. She said she was feeling overwhelmed and had to go. I repeated I love her and if she needs to talk I'm here.

She text me and said some more depressing shit about being upset and I just said "yeah?" In a text back. Then she said shes off back to bed and didnt reply.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

First, accept the fact that you might not be able to fix her. Second, don’t be afraid to send her to a professional, they are trained for this and you’re not. Third. She might be broken. Unfixable. This is not your fault or failing. But acknowledge it and plan what you’re will to do if this is the case. Don’t go down with a sinking ship.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Again, you didn't answer my question. What's broken with you, that you'd rather fix her shit?

Her fix is really easy. "Babe, I need you to go see someone about your past issues. When you go into shutdown it affects us. I know you are hurting, so please take care of it." She either meets your need or she doesn't.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Holy shit I'm glad I didn't marry any of the crazy bitches I dated in my 20s that acted like this.

My wife is a handful, but she brings a lot of value and isnt crazy.

Next this one, DON'T. MAKE. KIDS.

[–]redwall925 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

How long have you been married?

Negative life stuff happens. If she can't process negative life stuff effectively, then I wouldn't have children with her.

Sounds like you vetted poorly when you chose this one for wife material. And just like back then ... you have a choice to make in the here and now.

Do you want to be here therapist or her husband? Pretty sure you can't do both. Vent somewhere if you want - just don't vent to her about this.

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Married 3 years, no kids. I'm not venting to her about this. I know that lesson, which is why I'm asking here. I also had a pretty intense chest day today hitting the gym to vent instead of bringing it up to her. I'm 5'10, 193, 10%bf.... sex isnt a problem, so tere isnt the whole low sex marriage shit to worry about.

She just shuts down is all... like cries to herself, doesnt wanna be a burden, just becomes an emotional zombie or crying mess that wont talk about it. This is only for the more serious side of the spectrum though.

I thought being her Oak is giving her a place to have these emotions and ot being effected. Her being able to get through these things.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Encourage her to go see someone qualified to deal with the issues she feels she cannot share with you.

It’s entirely possible that after some therapy with a professional she will feel comfortable opening up to you.

Don’t force her to go to therapy, but suggest it.

Help her understand that you don’t think she is crazy / deranged for needing to see one and support her - in this way you can still be her oak.

It sounds like you really want to be there for her and currently she won’t lean on you. That can change! Good luck

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

'The Way of the Superior Man'. You should read this. Quick easy read. There are several chapters in this book that are exactly what you need to think about and make part of your internal programming. They apply precisely to your situation of the female crazy.

Women emote. They are emotional. They don't want you all the time. They want all of you some of the time. Give her your fullness for 10 minutes when she's venting about her day. Then move on with your day. If she attacks you while she's venting, then you've got better things to do than being a punching bag.

Give 'The Way of the Superior Man' a read (or re-read). Bookmark a handful of pages that talk about the female emotional storm and how to make the ride fun for you as a man. Then sit back and enjoy the ride.

Those days when the (inevitable) ride isn't enjoyable, either get the book out again for a refresher, or go ride a motorcycle.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

Maybe you are just not speaking her love language!

When she "opens up" it's just going to be a bunch of emo made up garbage. Would you even believe anything coming out of her mouth that garnered sympathy or made her out to be a victim?

You want to communicate (I threw up In my mouth) with her so bad you sound needy.

She doesn't want to tell you? Who gives a fuck.

What's your mission, think about that.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe you are just not speaking her love language!

First involuntary snort of the day. Kudos.

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

4 days ago, I didnt respond to her nudes she sent me because I was focused on getting to work, taking care of my mission, which btw, can get folks killed if not done, and then when I had time I skyped her. She was pissed I didnt respond to her pics right away.

I was told I failed a comfort test, I'm a Rambo, and should spend more time making her feel like a priority and validating her feelings than blowing her off and getting shit done.

It was with this advice I tried a different approach and tried to be there for her, give her someone to talk to and show her she is loved even when shes having a really shit time atm.... and now your advice is I need to follow my mission, fuck her feelings?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Yes! Fuck her feelings! He feelings are like the weather, even if they clear up now its going to hail again some time so there is no sense getting bent out of shape over it now.

There was a sick reply in one of these posts lately about a marriage cheque book. How doing a huge monumental task for your wife only gets you a +1 from her where in your male head, it's a +1000.

If you communicate, she opens up and this bluepill bullshit comes to fruition you only get a +1 for it. And then she will do a single worthless task for you and it balances in her head.

You are wasting all these mental cpu cycles over analyzing yourself to see if you are making the best decision. You are in her frame if you are making decisions based on how she will feel or behave. There are no wrong decisions or failures here, only feedback.

She is responding to your behaviour. She is like a complicated chipmonk, she just reacts.

Care less about her.

Care more about you.

Care more about you caring less about her.

Here is that post you lazy fuck:

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3ghbd4/the_balanced_check_book_of_the_relationship/

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

This is the exact opposite of what I was told, and this kinda thinking got me called fucking Rambo and autistic...

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop doing what you are told good god.

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AND ACCEPT THE FEEDBACK. Then adjust based on your own interpretation of the feedback. YOUR interpretation.

Do you remember how the rational male ended? The path is different for all of us, no man or anyone can tell you how to be you.

The genuine you is your mental point of origin. That's where you need to be, then whatever your response to any situation is, it doesn't matter, your operating in your own frame.

We are all going to tell you something different yet similar. There is no standard red pill response besides "pussy faggot" there are divides in this community. Some of us sleep around, some don't.

One guy will say you want Rambo, one will call you a pussy.

[–]DoctorNini0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You sound awfully angry at some strangers on the internet because of what? Because their advice didn't immediately fix your marriage? Beggars can't be choosers, stop being so butthurt.

[–]civilizedfrog2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I didn't know that your wife was married to her therapist.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dude, sometimes bitches are just crazy. You apparently have an extra crazy one.

If I bought a piece of shit car with over 100,000 miles on it, that has been in multiple wrecks, and was siezed by police for investigation of a meth operation, would it be retarted of me to spend hours on the internet trying to understand why my car didn't purr like a kitten?

Your question is 100% focused on your woman. Stop worrying about her. Focus on the one thing you can fix: yourself.

[–]Senor_Martillo2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You write like a retart, that’s for sure.

Go home, read Strunk and White’s “Elements of Style”, learn how to use basic punctuation, and give us this sob story again.

[–]kendallb1831 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've been looking for a book to help with this, I just got this on amazon, thanks

[–]gameoflibidos1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Have fun being spongebob the emotional sponge. You can white knight yourself right into a miserable life. You'll only have yourself to blame.

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

It seriously bothers me that she doesnt open up.

Instead of spinning your wheel about being a rambo and day to day tactics, think deeply about why it seriously bothers you that she won't open up.

[–]kendallb183-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Prob because everything I've read MRP wise says when your doing shit right your wife will want to open up to you. I feel like I must be fucking something up if I'm not seeing that effect.

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This problem started long before you ever found MRP.

Why are you so worried that you might be fucking something up?

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

It may not be your fault she's acting like this, but it's sure your fault you're still married to her.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (15 children) | Copy

Yes.

You shouldn't be, nor want to be her therapist.

If you also keep trying to be her girlfriend via Skype the next three months she will definitely seek a man for the interim.

[–]kendallb1832 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Lol, the other day I dont respond to her pics she sends me until I get done with my job at work and I get called rambo who only puts myself first... today shes having a serious family crisis and I try to be there for her and now I'm trying to be her girlfriend...? Can you clarify please. It even says in BPP's book to let her vent. In the way of the superior man it tells about whe a woman is having a hard time to push through that with your love... so can you explain the nuances I'm missing?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Right, let her vent, but that's it. You don't try to fix the vent. Feel out the vent. Get the vent to open up more to let out steam (it comes with it's own relief valve). And you have to watch the meter to make sure that allowance of vent doesn't breach into emotional tampon territory.

Trying to be her girlfriend means trying to get into all of the nitty gritty so you end up in the world of words and not action. Aka where her girlfriends fit in.

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah, the problem is, she isnt really venting at all, but is clearly and noticeably upset. I'm not sure how to get her to vent without being a Rambo or girlfriend...

Like my approach at the moment is just to tell her I love her, I'll give her space if she needs it, and she can call it she needs to talk...

Every now and then she sends something like she cant handle her thoughts. She cant handle people, she doesnt wanna go to work and shes going to go to bed.

I'm like ok, well shes venting finally... but uh, wtf do I say... shit will get better or yeah I can see how she would feel that way after what happened...

All I responded was, "yeah?" And she text back and said shes going to sleep shes exhausted.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

"I feel bad you're having to go through this without me there to lean on."

NEXT SUBJECT. The best you can do is distract or not let her dwell if you're going to Skype. If she gets mopey, morose, or clam up...there's your clue the call needs to come to a close.

I'm not sure how to get her to vent without being a Rambo or girlfriend...

It's not an action seeking behavior. You don't actively seek that.

Again, you aren't ...nor should want to be her therapist.

Let her work out her emotions and you worry about your career while forging a path for the future since you're away for 3 months. Why do you have time for this?

Stupid story time

Grok the caveman had Goo the cavewoman tagging along behind. Grok is fending off tigers, bears, gathering shit to build shit, and kill more shit. Goo is afraid of roaches because when she was a child she fell into a nest of roaches. And while gross , they're harmless except to her senses and sense of roach-less self. Grok knows this.

You think Grok should stop keeping a look out, stop killing things to eat every time Goo sees a roach and has trouble dealing with it? You think he needs to sit there and reason it out with her, cuddle her while that bear is coming up?

While they're hungry and starving he should keep trying to show her how harmless roaches are? Also, pretty soon Goo starts to associate Grok with roaches because every time she sees him he brings them up...uh oh.

Goo needs to deal with it and keep up. Grok doesn't need to keep stopping and turning around and making sure she's alright. If he had to do that she'd have fallen behind by now.

200k+ years of evolution and because we've developed talk shows now we need to get knee deep in the weeds. Demonstrate fortitude by not dwelling on problems or weakness.

Every now and then she sends something like she cant handle her thoughts. She cant handle people, she doesnt wanna go to work and shes going to go to bed.

She'll never learn if you try to do it for her. And imagine this flavor of mindset with kids? Jesus.

You've picked your special problem child before you knew better (u/redwall92/ pointed that out pretty quick). But now you know better and have the rp playbook but keep calling for the old plays that fail. One toe stuck in bp trying to fix her. Shit or get off the pot.

You seem to post a lot about her feelings her mindset ... and your worry. GLFs about the pudding. Kudos to being a great human if you love her and worry about her. You wait for that flailing drowning person to tire out before you grab them or you'll go down as well. Or maybe she'll drown and you can hang out with a chick who can swim. You can't keep getting in her head as that's a fail and fuck all if we're interested in fixing her or helping you fix her.

And lastly : did your wife marry you to fix her? Does she even think she needs fixing or is fixable? Again there are people to pay for that if she even acknowledges deep down (with demonstrable action of seeking therapy) that there is one.

[–]ellifino1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP, pay attention to this response. If you've spent any time here, there is always an extreme with the advice given. You're either a blue pill cuck or Rambo, hardly any responses of "you did good" if you ask a question when shit goes to hell. Most of these people asking for help, haven't done well with how they've handled their situation, so they deserve the beating they get here.

Truth is usually somewhere in the middle. With your wife's pics, the correct response would be to encourage that behavior, and you really did have 30 seconds to respond to her. Don't tell us otherwise. With this one, you did okay, but dipped your toe too far into the blue pill side. U/countpudyoola gives you the reasons why you want to provide comfort here, but how she responds and handles it, is a concern that she needs to handle with a therapist and is not your problem to fix. In both cases, it's a slight course correction. You didn't go from being Rambo to a BP cuck in a few days time.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

And she will be opening up (her legs) for a real man.

[–]kendallb1831 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

Ok, this is fucking annoying. I say one day that I didnt respond to my wife's nudie texts when I woke up, I went to work then skyped her when I was done with my work. She was upset I didnt respond right away.

I get told I'm an autist Rambo who only puts myself first and failed a comfort test and my wife will go fuck other dudes. That I need to make an effort to call her and showing you love your SO isnt against MRP rules.

Today shes having a 8/10 family crisis and shuts down. Shes crying and shit but refusing to talk to me about it. I take previous advice, decide not to be Rambo and tell her I love her, if she needs space I'll give it to her but she can call me if she needs me... I get told I'm being her therapist/GF and shes gonna fuck other men.

So, show her you love her but dont show you love her because if you do either your a Rambo, an autist, therapist, or girlfriend and in the end shes gonna cheat on you.

W T F.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

You asked how to be an oak. What do you see oaks doing? They're just being oaks. One thing they don't do is chase down all the forest creatures and ask them to take shelter.

Your wife was annoyed because you are being annoying. Stop it.

Stop talking. Start listening. That's comfort.

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I'm not talking. All I really said is I know she isnt ok, and I'm here for her if she needs me. Really neither of us talk. I tell her I'm here for her, I love her and if she needs me I'll be here to help the I STFU. We sit for a while and she says I got to go. Then she texts me she is super upset, doesnt wanna be around people, fuck the world ect. I'm stuck between responding what my gut says to say, which is "rambo"... shes being a little dramatic and that we will get through this like we get through everything. OR her therapist (me trying not to be rambo) and saying I understand shes going through a lot and validating how she feels

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

That sounds more appropriate. Your OP did not read that way.

You can't make her talk to you...to open up. Nor should you attempt to get her to, beyond simply being available. She needs you to not be emotional when she is.

She's needs to know that you care about her trauma, not that you are going to fix it. You didn't do yourself any favors by ignoring her nudes and not making time for her a few days ago. She remembers that. But don't try to fix it and don't talk about it.

Marriage is RP on hard mode. Long distance is even harder. She needs extra comfort. Read jack 10's comment history.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Bam... Love this response

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I appreciate the solid response, this is the kinda shit that helps me learn and makes this place worth it. Idk who jack10 is though?

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

/u/jacktenofhearts has written extensively about providing comfort.

[–]AlexGreenleaf1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah that is weird. There's great wisdom here in MRP and on the flip side sometimes you really need the eye-opening slap in the face "stop being a faggot" one liner.

But sometimes it's really fucking retarded.

Nuance please. You fucking Rambo-faggots. All of you. You hear that?

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Louder, please.

[–]Kosmoknots1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You might not want to use the word retarded until you can spell it. Otherwise you look retarded.

[–]AlexGreenleaf0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Was she always like this? If not then you going Rambo like you did when she was reaching out sexually and giving you comfort tests could be the primary cause.

She feels you don't give a shirt about her genuine emotions and will not open up to you about them even if you come at her all touchy feely.

This is one of the reasons MRP is TRP on hard mode. If you fuck up with a girl at a bar you learn from that and move on. If you fuck up with your wife you have to stay and clean up your meds and all the stuff you broke.

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

She used to be WAY worse. But yeah, shes like this when it's really bad shit, like the 8/10 stuff or higher. She used to just go no contact if she was really upset.

Infact, at this point... I dont even really know what a normal response is suppose to look like from a woman who is going through bad shit. I've felt with this so long I've somewhat forgotten lol the girls before her never really had super bad shit happen to them.

But if she opens up some, I'm not sure what to do here... say it's not the end of the world and try to get her to focus on moving on and looking forward or to just listen and validate hows shes feeling... or what

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have only been married 3 years and you have no kids. Next this woman.

What value is she adding to your life besides giving you something to focus on besides yourself. Because based on the behaviour you are describing in this post, being this victim is more valuable to you then fixing yourself.

Validate her feelings?

Am I in /r/marriage?

Did I fuck up again?

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

say it's not the end of the world and try to get her to focus on moving on and looking forward

This is trying to fix it. Stop trying to fix it. Just be there for her, and empathize, and provide her the safe space to work it out for herself through talking at you.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like she needs professional help. Sometimes it's easier for a person to open up to a medical professional because they fear their partner may think of them differently after expressing those sorts of feelings. ]

Wow, that post was emo.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

First of all, stop being a bitch and be an oak she can run to and lean on. What you're doing is being an oak that rips it's roots out of the ground and running after her saying "lean on me!" That's fucking scary.

She should know she can talk to you. If she doesnt, then you haven't LEAD her to that conclusion through your ACTIONS.

I just know it bothers me deeply

Stop making her problem about you. Is this what you're doing when she opens up too? A lot of "I think" and "when I feel that way i..."? Comforting involves asking her questions about how she's feeling. Helping her sort through her emotional space. Ask her questions that explores how she's feeling and what she can do to help her, her feelings, her family, or their feelings.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As others have pointed out, your failure here is that you felt invalidated as a man because your wife didn't treat you like the emotional Oak that you imagine yourself to be. And your frustration shows that you aren't in fact that Oak. Otherwise you wouldn't have pestered her to open up.

Here's how it should've gone:

You: "Hey hon, I saw your text, what's going on?"

Her: "WAAH, my brother's wife's uncle's neighbor is dying of brain cancer!"

You: "Oh, that's awful! How long does he have?"

Her: "WAAH! WAAH!"

You: "Do you want to talk about it?"

Her: "WAAH! No I don't want to talk! I hate the world!"

You: "Aw, sorry you're so upset. It's OK."

Then wait for her to stop sobbing, and make small talk and tell her about your work "mission".

Either she engages with you and you have a relatively normal conversation and all is well, or she "opens up" to you (in which case you just listen and encourage her), or she continues to freak out. If she keeps freaking out, after a few minutes you say something like "Hey, why don't you lay down on the couch and turn on a movie and try to get to bed early tonight? You'll feel better in the morning."

You're available to her if she needs someone to vent to, and if not, that's OK too. You don't need to be needed.

[–]buckeyeboy19770 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nmv.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes



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