714,030 posts

No change in sex life

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July 30, 2018
9 upvotes

Stats

  • 24 y/o, 178 cm, 160 lbs, don't know my BF%.
  • SQ 305, DL 430, BP 225, OHP 135.
  • Read the RP sidebar posts, the wiki, Jack10's comments, SGM, NMMNG, WISNIFG, The Book of Pook and MMSLP.
  • GF also 24 y/o, dating for 6 years and living together for six months.

Question at the end.

I feel that I have been improving a lot in the last couple of weeks. I'm communicating my needs and drawing boundaries, stopping with the covert contracts, etc. I'm starting to make it clear to my GF that she needs to respect me, so she's being way nicer and more pleasant to be around.

But it seems that she simply doesn't get that I'm not satisfied with the sex. We went from once a month to maybe once every other week. She forgets to take her pills than has a period in the middle of her cycle. She seems to not really care weather we have sex or not. I'm not sure why so I would like some help to figure out what I'm doing wrong. But first some context:

Her parents have a really fucked up relationship (at least from my perspective). Her mom is complete utter bitch that tears down absolutely everything her dad says. She takes everything her husband says as an opportunity to complain, put him down and raise questions on his competence. I have noticed that whenever my GF spends time with her parents she becomes disrespectful to me and I have to put in work resetting boundaries and exposing unacceptable behaviour on her part. Because of this exemples my GF seems to have some fucked up expectations, like that I'm supposed to do things for her (compliance tests) to show that I love her and that it's completely ok for a couple not to have sex, because love should be bigger than that.

Now, I was able to deal with expectation that I'm supposed to do things for her. But for that I had to overtly communicate that "Look, I love you and want to be with you. But if you really think that I need to take orders and run errands to show that I care, we better break up right now because I'm not willing to do that.". Apparently it worked because her hamster keeps under control when I don't comply with a request now.

But how do I do that with sex? Because the understanding seems to be that you're not supposed to do anything that looks like asking for sex. Would it be different in this situation? Like I need to make clear that a no sex relationship is not ok to me and that she needs to put in more effort?

Or should I just try to create dread and up my SMV?

Maybe I'm even missing the mark completely, so if anyone could help I would appreciate a lot.


Post Information
Title No change in sex life
Author astrogatorjones
Upvotes 9
Comments 54
Date 30 July 2018 05:09 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204149
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/931aai/no_change_in_sex_life/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGdread gamehamstersexual market valueNMMNG
Comments

[–]simbarlionRed Beret23 points24 points  (2 children) | Copy

24 y/o,

Too young

dating for 6 years

Too long

don't know my BF%.

not low enough.

She either isn't attracted to you or your on a freight train to nowhere. You can't ask for sex, you must be attractive/awesome enough for her to want it with you.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

ok, thanks.

And maybe I really am on a freight train to nowhere, I hope not. I’m trying to accept that aswell.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy

No kids. Not married.

Next.

Sidebar not read. Obviously

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

You forgot rinse and repeat. If he nexts her, it will be the same story when he communicates his expectations to his next-future-bitchy, no-sex-having girlfriend.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

yes, that’s what I thought

[–]Glennus6268 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can't negotiate desire. You have to focus on yourself until (and beyond) the point where she simply wants to fuck you.

You do that by lifting heavy things, caring about your appearance, applying the tactics know as dread, and shutting the fuck up.

Get out of her frame, completely. Withdraw commitment from her when she starts with her b.s., and remember that you are the prize. Women give of themselves physically, in exchange for our commitment.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

she needs to respect me

...for you to stay around.

she simply doesn't get that I'm not satisfied with the sex

Please read this sentence 10 times: She absolutely understands you are not satisfied...and does not care enough to change.

In fact before I go on...read it again. And EVERY time in the future she continues bad behavior...every time you're sitting on the shitter trying to figure out what's going on and you get to that final question: "So why doesn't she change?", repeat the above again. Through her ACTIONS, she's saying she knows you're unsatisfied...and does not care enough to change. It's not that she doesn't get it. It''s not that she doesn't understand the seriousness of it...She understands and doesn't care enough to change.

She seems to not really care weather we have sex or not.

Say it again.

But if you really think that I need to take orders and run errands to show that I care, we better break up right now because I'm not willing to do that.".

So at what point are you going to follow through on that empty threat?

Like I need to make clear that a no sex relationship is not ok to me and that she needs to put in more effort?

You literally can't say it enough...say it again. Don't hamster every excuse in the book for her. Set your boundary, then go get the best value trade you can in life. If it's not with her...then replace her.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

That was really good. I got completely wrapped up in the fact that I’m trying to get better and started to feel entitled because of that.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Upvoted. OP, this comment is more important than you realize.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man, I’m trying hard to find the right track. Your input has been helpful.

[–]abudun795 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Make her hamster realize that you are very sexual, but you don't need her for the satisfaction in any way.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not married, no kids? You can have all the sex you want, it just may not be with her. That's her choice. Stop being a pussy and go live life.

[–]SepeanRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

I feel that I have been improving a lot in the last couple of weeks. I'm communicating my needs and drawing boundaries, stopping with the covert contracts, etc. I'm starting to make it clear to my GF that she needs to respect me, so she's being way nicer and more pleasant to be around.

Look bro, maybe you’re improving, maybe you’re not. But what you’re writing here is hardly improvements. Betas can be demanding, we call those whiny bitches. You need frame, that’s what will make the difference and you’re going to take more than 2 weeks building that. The red pill is not about telling women what to do.

But it seems that she simply doesn't get that I'm not satisfied with the sex.

This is not a communication issue. She doesn’t care enough because you’re not alpha enough. Fix the low alpha issue instead of focusing on her understanding.

But for that I had to overtly communicate that "Look, I love you and want to be with you. But if you really think that I need to take orders and run errands to show that I care, we better break up right now because I'm not willing to do that.".

Dude, lighten up. She asks you for a glass of water and you get so annoyed you threaten to break up? You seem really hung up on explaining to her how you really are and how she should act, how about instead just acting like it and being funny and cocky instead?

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy

If you think having sex twice a month is ok, then keep on opening your mouth.

I think a lot of your problem is your oneitis. You still have this girl up on the pedestal - I can tell from your post history. You mention all these red flags in your post and yet you’re still determined to be Captain Save-A-Ho. It’s like you don’t respect yourself enough to say “I deserve a quality sex life with a quality woman.”

Instead of me spoon feeding the answers, why don’t you take a stab at a) telling us the red flags in this post and about your woman, b) if you think it’s better to keep overtly talking to your woman or STFU, and c) what YOU should do.

Bonus comment: You still need work on your frame.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

Okay, obviously I have a strong case of oneitis or I wouldn’t be stupid enough to be living with a girl at 24.

I can think of several times where I wanted to break up with her but just couldn’t, just from being a pussy. But right now I’m at a different city, I have just started to support myself but I’m still broke and have a contract for 1,5 years of rent. It would be a huge pain in the ass to break this up, and I still have the feeling that I would find myself in the same situation with a different girl, because I’m the one who has to learn to respect myself as you mentioned.

a) The red flags I see are her mom and the twisted expectations I mentioned.

b) I was about to just start asking for sex again, but the comments in this post made it pretty clear that I need to STFU.

c) I think I need to keep working on myself, my frame and my codependent traits to the point where I could actually walk away from this relationship. Also I need to be more patient before wanting to throw it all out the window again.

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

I can think of several times where I wanted to break up with her but just couldn’t, just from being a pussy. But right now I’m at a different city, I have just started to support myself but I’m still broke and have a contract for 1,5 years of rent bla bla bla

You're on the right track here with some good introspection and then your hamster took over and ran you into the weeds.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I am certainly scared of ending this relationship. I realize that.

I need to get rid of the onetis and the fear. I don't want to break up without fixing myself first. If anything this relationship is good training for not being such a loser.

Does that make sense?

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Does that make sense

Only when I tell Google Translate to "recognize Hampsterese".

Work the sidebar hard and try to figure out why you're so afraid of leaving her.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

ok, that makes sense

[–]ellifino2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Where in RP literature does it discuss asking for sex? Kino all day, especially when you can't have sex. You don't sound like you're gaming her. If she rebuffs your kino, go do other hobbies and things that makes you a fun individual, or hit the gym.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Where in RP literature does it discuss asking for sex?

Nowhere. I was caving to my hamster.

Im starting to game her but I suck at it and get still get butthurt when it doesn't work and stop trying.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

As mentioned, some good introspection, but then your hamster went loose.

Let's talk shop here.

You're 24. Probably out of college, working in a new city, broke, and generally working to figure all this "stuff" out, and there is a lot of stuff.

Been with the same girl for six years. Probably have strong feelings for but not full on love given that you have tried to break up with her several times but couldn't.

Because deep down you know something is wrong. It's like WTF, why is she so stingy with the sex?!? Will she take on her mother's horrible values? (answer is yes)

See, I'm not one to break up tru wuv, but you have some problems here. I think you know deep down that this girl is not suitable for a long term mate. Only you can decide that, of course, but the decision is probably already made.

You've attached yourself on this girl for six years. I can tell you that time is your most valuable resource. If you eventually want to have kids, and this girl isn't the one, you do yourself no favors staying with her long term.

"BUT MAH RENT!" When you say stuff like this all I see are excuses. You mean to tell me you can't go out and find a job that pays 25k more? That you can't grow your skillset? Buddy, I'm almost done my second graduate degree, plus I work a full time executive job, I have two young kids WITH activities, I work out every morning at 5am, and I have a wife who needs gaming. And I'm a heck of a lot older than you. So when I see you complaining about rent or dropping these excuses in your life, that is just your hamster/beta shit goblin talking you down.

What you NEED to do is STFU, build yourself into a attractive man (which includes career/job/money), and cut out people who bring no value. So is your girlfriend wasting your time? That is your first question.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Okay...

You're 24. Probably out of college, working in a new city, broke, and generally working to figure all this "stuff" out, and there is a lot of stuff.

Spot on except I don't have a college degree.

Because deep down you know something is wrong

Yes, every time you mention it in your replies it hits hard.

When you say stuff like this all I see are excuses

I know. I do have a lot of stuff to sort out if I decide to break up but it's all perfectly doable, it's just not possible overnight.

STFU, build yourself into a attractive man (which includes career/job/money), and cut out people who bring no value

You're right.

In the last few days I thought a lot about this. Here's my plan: regardless of weather I'll break up with her or not, I'm starting to prepare to do just that. I will sort out my finances.

I will keep working on myself but from now on I'll be looking at my future, not ours. So is she wasting my time? I guess it's up to her to prove that she isn't, because when I look at things from this perspective I'm really fed up of her shit.

[–]CaptJohnLukeDiscard2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Two quick things though there’s about 15 that could be brought up.

  1. Think of change in a relationship like a long rope pulling a weight. You have been pulling in one direction for a while and she is used to it. When you change direction, she won’t notice for a while due to this slack. When she then does notice, it will feel sudden and jerky to her and she will likely push back hard.

Remember that you need at least one month of change for each year of beta but I suspect that this underestimates those who are less natural at this than others.

  1. Girls emulate their moms even when they shit talk them. Crazy mom = major red flag.

Dump her.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

yeah, I feel I’m slower that a lot of guys around here. And maybe I do have to dump her, but I guess it makes sense trying to fix myself before I make that decision

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

I feel that I have been improving a lot in the last couple of weeks

LOL. I ate a few salads. Guys, why isn't she swallowing my cock like a pornstar?

But it seems that she simply doesn't get that I'm not satisfied with the sex.

She doesn't care. Hot sex happens because she wants it to. You are negotiating attraction.

you're not supposed to do anything that looks like asking for sex.

Assume the sale. Take the sex, and if she says no, go do something else. But you shouldn't be asking for it.

SQ 305, DL 430, BP 225, OHP 135.

Your lifts are all same or better than mine at the same height and I have 20lbs on you. Why are you putting up with this bullshit from her? If I were at your weight I'd pretty much be ripped as fuck.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

I'd say its a combination of the 1000 ft rope and his frame that are the issue. His lifts are solid and you are right hes gotta be jacked but that is only part of the equation.

My princess didn't seem to give a fuck when I was ripped at first - I am 9% BF measured BodPod. I was getting IOIs from chicks half her age and I've seen a few other moms messaging her on FB saying something like "I'm not sure if this is weird to say but whatever your husband is doing he looks hot now can he talk to my husband." It didn't really seem to weigh into her decision to fuck me - its possible to attractive physically but unattractive mentally. Being a needy, clingy, codependent, pussy pleasing bitch will negate looking like a greek god any day, especially to a women who knows you better than you know yourself.

I know from experience that this can be a dangerous situation and its easy to let the anger take over and make things worse. The two options are let the rope play out and keep being awesome or push the issue to a head. I pushed the issue and almost blew up my marriage Rambo style - its a coin flip at that point on how she reacts. Mine lost her shit multiple times in a week, left the house for hours, threatened not to come home and was just a general nightmare of a woman for about 2 weeks. I gambled and weathered the storm - she seems to have settled into being more submissive and the hot sex is coming back. It could easily have gone either way but to be honest I was at the point where I didn't actually care which I'm sure helped.

My guess is he needs work on his frame, to take her off the pedestal, stand up for himself and she needs more time or maybe she doesn't - either way OP needs to do the work. He should also look at the Dancing Monkey Attraction program post as that is when things started clicking for me.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, at least from my perspective this is spot on.

I saw a bit of progress in myself and got all excited so I went right back to the Dancing Monkey Attraction Program.

My take from this post is that I need to be patient and realize that I’m not entitled to shit and I got to keep doing the work, especially on my frame.

It was something like “Oh shit she’s treating me way better! I must be doing something right, I managed to hold frame in so and so situation!” and then I went straight to “But then why the fuck isn’t she fucking me?” and the result was my OP.

I also realized the size of my oneitis, which is something I need to start dealing with

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'd also say that once she feelz that sex isn't that big of a deal (hint: she can tell even if you think you are being OI) she won't reject you. I got to the point where I DNGAF and was ready to move onto the next piece of my MAP and get it one way or another - somehow she felt that.

Last night I got a no, gave her a kiss on her forehead, said good night and rolled over (work in progress as to not initiating at bed time) - 5 minutes later I feel her rubbing up against me in bed and cue fuck session.

If your marriage is just stale and no about to jump off - I'd recommend against pushing the envelope and going rambo. Just work your MAP and give her time to come along - you are going to do the work anyway so try not to be impatient.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the advice. I think I’m in a similiar situation and I’ll try my best to be patient and stop panickig.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thanks for all the advice.

I’m not ripped, you would never guess my numbers by looking at me. Everyone I train with mentions that. Maybe it’s because I used to do crossfit and oly lifting, which don’t really favor hypertrophy. But I’m hitting the gym and seeing progress now.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

you would never guess my numbers by looking at me

Ugh, I used to be that guy. Get your testosterone checked.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I did get it checked. The total T was fine but the free T was kinda low. So I took a guess and started taking vitamin D to maybe help out with that.

I had been having anxiety problems for an year leading up to that and it just vanished after I started taking the vitamin, but I’m not sure if it’s placebo.

Anyway, be it the vitamin D or the fact that I’m more focused on hypertrophy it seems to be really working. My numbers are shooting up fast and I’m seeing a lot of progress in the mirror.

So in the next few months I may have that fixed.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

How is the sex when you get it? Do you lead and dominate her and make it emotional?

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

well, throughout the relationship the sex was really good, with me leading and dominating. After we started living together it became starfish. The last two times (after a dry spell when I started RP) were great like the old times.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

After we started living together it became starfish.

Textbook.

Sort this before thinking of moving forward. Have a look at the dead bedroom sub.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So when you guys finally moved in together she realized you weren't oys and the tingles died. Or maybe she had got you to commit to livimg together and she felt like no more need to impress. Did you stop gaming her when you moved in?

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think during the entire last year she realized I wasn’t owning my shit. It’s been really tough the recover from that.

I started my first business an year ago and left my parents house at the same time so reality came crashing really hard and I couldn’t handle it. I developed anxiety disorder and started having panick attacks. Obviously I dumped all my feelings on her and got mad that she wasn’t appreciative of all the effort I was putting in, etc. So I became weak in her eyes.

The company almost failed but I got it back on track and things are slowly improving. So after all that I’ve been basically rebuilding myself and finding my confidence again. But she saw it all, so it’s kinda hard to convince her that I’m really capable of owning my shit.

[–]VengefullyY0urs1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You need to follow the 12 steps of dread, and you need to give your relationship at least one month per year you have been together, but even then I would focus on one month for every level of dread.

I think others summed it up well: she isn’t attracted to you, she is not in your frame and you can’t negotiate that.

The easiest thing to do would be to leave and start over with someone else, but there is a reason why you are still with her and I feel like once you find out what that it, you will find the piece that messing up your frame battle.

It’s gonna take losing her completely or at least the potential of losing her completely to help resolve this issue.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Man, when I think about it I’m still with her because she is an absolutely great girl outside of our relationship. She brings a lot of value to the table. Works hard, is super responsible with money and life in general, knows how to let go and have fun at the right times, etc. She displays only a little bit of her mom’s behaviour, to the point where it doesn’t bother me.

Now, things are different in our relationship, and I suspect that it’s because I was such a bitch during the last year. I really think that at one point she started really doubting my capacity. She is currently making more money than I am and has a degree, which I don’t have.

Anyway I’m starting to find my feet in business and in life and I feel that much of my frame battle has to do with that. There are still days where I think I won’t make it and everything will crash and burn, even though it’s less and less frequently.

I get the vibe that she believes that one day I will achieve a lot, but I was doubting myself so much that I managed to crack the image she had of me.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Or should I just try to create dread and up my SMV?

ding ding

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

yes, I’m stupid.

[–]civilizedfrog1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lift more faggot.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

how do I do that with sex

Lucky that you have come to the right place. Dread game is your solution. It will work with your reluctant wife or with somebody better.

[–]astrogatorjones[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. I feel like a bitch after reading the comments.

I was basically in the process of stripping myself of whatever resemblance of a frame I managed to pull together so far. Then I would start begging for sex.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

LOL 24, run. Trust us.



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