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Are there women out there who won't ever disrespect you?

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July 11, 2018
9 upvotes

I know that this sub focuses on working on yourself in order to be the best, most desirable mate for your partner, and that in doing so, in becoming a better man, you can work through the issues in your relationship and ideally see problems decrease.

My long-term girlfriend has a nasty tendency of getting mean when she's mad. It's not a daily or super regular thing, but it has happened many times over the course of our relationship. I'm talking verbal insults, her calling me stupid, a "fucking idiot," yelling at me, speaking in a dismissive, scolding tone, telling me to "shut the fuck up" - basically a lot of verbal disrespect.

At times in the past I have just sort of taken it, been a punk, really. After a while, though, I got fed up and started handling it better by telling her not to talk to me like that, that I find it incredibly disrespectful, pointing out that I never disrespect her in that way. I don't think this approach has really helped, though, because the disrespect is still there from time to time.

So just yesterday she got upset with me over something, that turned into a bit of an argument and she was saying that she didn't want to talk, I was pressing the issue because I didn't know why she was even mad, and she told me to "shut the fuck up." She has said this before, but it has been a long time. I had a talk with her the last time she said it, and other times she's said something super disrespectful like that, but here it is again. I'm really done with being spoken to like that. I'm an easy-going guy and I've never spoken to her in this way.

I've asked friends and they've told me that their wives/girlfriends have never said something like that to them. I've looked for advice online and have read about couples who have never spoken to each other like that, women that claim they've never said anything disrespectful like that to their men. So this is my question: are there women out there who will truly respect you, who won't ever insult you or yell or curse at you? Are any of you in relationships where your lady has never done something like this? Or... is this behavior that all women display and it is up to me to handle it right so that it doesn't happen again?

I ask because I feel that I handle this better now, I don't just take it, I make it known that it's not okay, yet it still persists. We're not married yet and I don't know how to stop it other than leaving the relationship for good. My thoughts are that marriage will bring an increase in this sort of disrespect, and that it could one day be thrown at me in front of the kids (no kids yet though).

TL,DR: Girlfriend is verbally disrespectful at times, even after me letting her know it is NOT okay, wondering if this is something I can fix or if there are women out there I could have a relationship with who would never be disrespectful in this way.

Thanks for any input!


Post Information
Title Are there women out there who won't ever disrespect you?
Author throw-away-account43
Upvotes 9
Comments 60
Date 11 July 2018 03:39 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204225
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8y0mrn/are_there_women_out_there_who_wont_ever/
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Comments

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

that turned into a bit of an argument and she was saying that she didn't want to talk, I was pressing the issue because I didn't know why she was even mad, and she told me to "shut the fuck up."

I don't know about in your house, but in my house saying you don't want to talk pretty much means you need to back off because if you don't shit is going downhill in a hurry. If you can't give someone space when they are overheating, you get when you deserve.

Edit: You are a needy bitch who can't stand the idea of someone being angry or upset with you. Blow it off, don't worry about it.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet15 points16 points  (4 children) | Copy

Every woman is nice and respectful to men who don't have any weaknesses, but I don't know any men like that personally.

Your girlfriend sounds like a bitch, but you also sound like a bitch with a weak frame.

"I was pressing the issue because I didn't even know why she was mad"

This is not red pilled at all, you need to read up on the material a little better because you seem to lack an understanding of the core concepts. Primarily, that women's emotions and words have almost no value or meaning, they just happen. Shit, she probably didn't even know why she was mad, and now she has some pussy husband who is up her butt trying to solve all her problems. Next time treat her like an angry little kid and let her cool off or do whatever.

You're right to call out her blatant disrespect, but don't hold her to the same standard you would hold yourself to when it comes to controlling emotions. My gf gets very emotional and sometimes flips out over stupid shit. It used to piss me off like it does you, now I just see her like a little kid who is upset because her elbow hurts but she doesn't know why. Telling you to fuck off all the time isn't cool, but if she gets pissed off about something, and she's on her period or overwhelmed, you have to understand that she is not like a man when it comes to emotions, so they shouldn't hold as much weight.

So at the end of the day, feel free to set her straight if she's being disrespectful, but also understand that she can't control her emotions like you can, so a little amused mastery and most responsible teenager in the house will go a long way. Also next time she's mad, don't keep fucking talking at her. STFU is common advice for a reason.

[–]throw-away-account43[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks for the reply. So I am caring too much, it sounds. Like... I shouldn't be so concerned with why she's pissed? Sometimes I can't help it, I want to know what's up, but I see this is a fault. I shouldn't care.

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sometimes I can't DON'T want to help it

FTFY

be attractive: don't be unattractive.

Also, sounds like you are a really Nice Guy, have you read NMMNG?

[–]throw-away-account43[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks.... yeah I'm definitely a pretty nice guy. I'm working on it. I do have NMMNG but I haven't finished it.

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

make that a priority. And by finish it you mean reading and doing the BFAs, correct?

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy

My wife has never insulted me or told me to shut up.

In fact, none of the women I have been with have done this.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

i'm with you. i have dated dozens of women; and never once been talked to like this. just doesn't happen. i'm guessing because i don't hangout with POS bitches.

next this whore OP

[–]friendandadvisor5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

i'm guessing because i don't hangout with POS bitches.

Or, maybe because you aren't the dipshit that OP is.

[–]pridebrah3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

First thing that caught my eye, too. I've never had a woman tell me to shut up. Been called a dick a few times, but never told to shut my mouth. If I did, they'd be out the door. Zero tolerance for shit like that.

Red flag there with how she sees you and how you carry yourself, OP.

[–]Grimsterr1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

24 years married here, no disrespect, ever. No shit talk behind my back that's ever made it back to my ears (and I keep my ears and eyes open). She knows I have zero tolerance for it.

[–]rocknrollchuck5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Girlfriend is verbally disrespectful at times, even after me letting her know it is NOT okay, wondering if this is something I can fix

How to build boundaries during your transition should help you get some perspective on the proper way to deal with this.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Women don't do respect, the same way you don't do character assassination with your friends.

You may as well ask if there's women out there that will pee standing up

[–]redwall923 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Careful what you ask for...

There was this night in Thailand. Couple drinks may have been involved. I swear she was standing at the loo...

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It's easy enough to tell. In Phuket we asked, and they were polite about it

Besides, it was obvious 🤔 the hotter they were, the more likely they were dudes.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I swear she was standing at the loo...

Uh...Thailand...she???

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

People will do to you as much as you let them.

What's her consequence for doing it?

[–]throw-away-account43[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I sort of withdrew attention. It bothered me being spoken to like that and I just didn't want to talk to her or be around her. We've talked/argued some since, but I haven't wanted to be around her or engage with her much.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sort of? You need to learn to lie better. Don't protect your ego if all you did was walk away and are calling it withdrawing attention. If you can't be honest with yourself, you won't grow.

Removing attention is a way to negatively reinforce a behavior. A shitty way. "But a stage of dread says to!" Yeah. We lied. In fact dread is a lie. All the levels are there to improve YOU as a man. They may have the consequence of influencing her. But that's not why you do them. If it was...it's just a big covert contract.

"So what do I do?" This behavior needs a boundary. A boundary needs a consequence. The consequence isn't to change her. The consequence is to make YOUR life better. So, if you removed time and attention because she was disrespectful to you, and the reason that you did it was because by being disrespectful, she has now made her value in your life lower than, say, going to see a movie...you go see the movie. You go see the movie not to punish or change her. You go see it because you are maximizing the value you get from your life...and if seeing that movie provides more value than she does, movie gets your time and attention.

So in that way...think of the 12 levels of dread as ways to improve the value you derive from life, and maximizing that value for YOU.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

So you're sulking. Just like the dozens of other times she told you to STFU. In other words, nothing has changed, and she still has no reason to heed you when you say "don't talk to me like that".

She doesn't respect you. She doesn't want to have sex with you. She has told you, as directly as a woman can, that she doesn't want to be in a relationship and is not going to meet your needs. Why have you put up with this for as long as you have? What's stopping you from pulling the plug?

[–]throw-away-account43[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You know I've been sick of this for a long time. Thanks for the reply and the question. I'm not sure what's stopping me... Each time she says some disrespectful shit I tell myself that that's the last straw, but here I am still.

Just wanted to ask: if my response just came off as sulking, how could I have better responded? What might you do?

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Don't be a sulky bitch.

You're fucking stupid for trying to lie about not sulking.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It appears that you try to get an answer out of her when she doesn’t want to speak.

1) This is what women do.

Problem: Its needy

Solution: STFU and DNGAF.

Your woman should not be swearing or name calling you. My wife never talks to me like this. The only time we ever got in a heated discussion and curse words entered was during my stupid Rambo session. I allowed it by being a dumb fuck and it hasn’t happened since

If your woman is regularly swearing to you then you need to set a hard boundary and next her ass if she crosses it. If she has no issue speaking to her man this way, how do you think she will speak to your child? Would you want to hear your wife call you a stupid fuck while your child is watching?

Ask yourself if she is the type of person you want to be with. Even if you’re a needy bitch like you come off, she could show some restraint and “put some respect in her mouth.” Unless you’re just an insufferable little shit, she should be able to do that for you.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Mary, "Um, so Joe it seems I'm pregnant."

Joseph, "How did that happen? You're a virgin."

Mary, "Um it was an angel! Yeah an Angel and he said I'd give birth to the son of god"

Joseph, "Oh gods baby, that's ok."

Every women is capable of disrespect, that's why it's called AWALT.

If she doesn't live with you, tell her to leave. If she does, tell her in no uncertain terms you will kick her shit to the curb if she does it again. If you can't or wont enforce it, shut the fuck up and take it.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Saint Joseph was going to divorce her quietly before the angel appeared to him. I say it's like rape charges. If the angel appears and confirms her story I will believe her.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Even during divorce, my wife has never told me to "shut the fuck up"

[–]FeralRed0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You allow what you allow.

AKA you get what you deserve. Why do you think you deserve to be disrespected?

[–]redsprinklersystem0 points1 point  (15 children) | Copy

In 20 years or so, of ups and downs, my wife and I have said pretty much everything to eacbother at some point. Context matters. You say this is one sided, how frequent is it?

Women talk, men do. She should be the one wanting & chasing the conversations. Shitty attitude = see ya.

Do you know what a boundary is?

[–]throw-away-account43[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks. Sure, I know what a boundary is in principle, but I haven't been able to effectively enforce it. Like I said in my post, I address the behavior, for sure, but it keeps occurring.

How can I enforce this boundary? Only by saying I will no longer put up with it and by ending the relationship? Is this what you're getting at?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

How can I enforce this boundary?

After she has cooled down (a few hours? maybe a few days?), tell her to sit down and that you have something important you want to tell her. Don't give her any warning or heads-up and be careful with your words. Don't say you have something you want to discuss with her. This is not a discussion. Be assertive and make it a big deal to demand her attention. When she sits down, you remain standing. Do not give her the impression with words or body language that this is a lengthy conversation. This is not a conversation. This is a one or two sentence statement and then you walk away. It should go something like this:

maintain full eye contact "I know we were in a heated argument and got angry at each other, but there is no excuse for the disrespectful language or name calling. I will not tolerate it any longer and if you continue to treat me like that when you are upset, I will be leaving this relationship inmediately."

Then walk away. If she starts to talk and wants to explain herself, give her the respect that she doesn't deserve but make sure she knows your statement still stands. She will believe you if you believe yourself. Are you ready to leave her if she crosses the line? If not, she will sniff out the bullshit.

[–]throw-away-account43[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks, this sounds good. Debating between doing this and just ending it.

[–]redsprinklersystem1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

As has been pointed out, its not a boundary without consequence. I've been there, when the only consequence you can think of is to nuke the relationship.

You know how there are literally endless ways to improve or enjoy your life, right? When she starts her shit you just say: "I don't know who the fuck you're talking to that way, but it's definitely not me". Then you walk away and do one of those things.

She'll get the message and either stop the insults or drive you away often enough that one of you will eventually 'kill the puppy'. Are you prepared for that?

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Its funny the princess doesn't seem to want to have conversations or chase me for them. She will typically leave the house, go to another room or ignore me - I used to chase her pre MRP but now I either tease her for it or just let her simmer (now that I type that the teasing may be coming across to her as butthurt). She is an avoidant so she tends not to like conflict and prefers to shut down instead.

I've found that having her see me as an oak has been harder since she isn't prone to emotional outbursts (AWALT is a spectrum). The other day she was starting to have one and I fogged her and she stopped in like 10 seconds so there's no major drama. Lately she has been sending her grievances in text which is new - I clearly ignore or tell her we can talk in person if its important and she never does. I decided to bring it up once and give her the opportunity to talk to get her feelz out but she declined.

She has at least one male beta coworker that I know she talks to about her feelz about how I've been an asshole lately - I realize this is bad and I should be setting a boundary that she doesn't talk to other men about our relationship but my only real ammo is divorce and not sure its a hill I want to die on right now. I assume once she sees me as her oak she will come to me more.

Anyone else encounter this?

[–]robertwservice19740 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

> I know that this sub focuses on working on yourself in order to be the best, most desirable mate for your partner

You have a fundamental misunderstanding about the focus of this sub.

Setting that aside, I spent 18 years dealing with nasty, disrespectful comments from my wife. I didn't put up with that behavior and fought back. These arguments were followed by days of silent treatment until I apologized. Then I found MRP and read When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (WISNIFG) by Manual Smith (required sidebar reading).

Now, I never argue and use fogging to deflect nasty comments and criticism. She often responds to my fogging by admitting that her criticism was too harsh or unfounded. I STFU and the discussion ends there. We move on to more pleasant topics.

I also use the 4-year old poopy-face approach described by u/Rian_Stone here: https://rianstonept.blogspot.com/2018/01/manipulations.html. It puts things in proper perspective.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

As much as chicks get fucking pissed at the 'women are children' meme, it really does click once you take that lens on woman interactions

I find it hard not seeing a child stomping her feet when my woman is having a case of the 'you ain't shit Rian's

Put some food into her, set her down for a nap, or fuck her good. Solves about 80% of her 'serious issues about the relationshop'

[–]pridebrah0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

As much as chicks get fucking pissed at the 'women are children' meme, it really does click once you take that lens on woman interactions

Exactly why they get pissed.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I did get lucky. mine never went to college, but she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder because of it too.

insecure about a thing > faux confidence of a thing

[–]robertwservice19740 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very true. See it all the time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need to shut the fuck up, faggot.

She's telling you to stfu when you were probably beating a dead horse deering and an emotional wreck. She's probably disrespectful due to you just not getting it and stfu. If my wife told me that I'd tell her you don't disrespect me and then I'd leave and go to the gym for a good while.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your feelings of disrespect are partly from too much ego and partly too little frame. An isolated incident is one thing. But repeated behavior that she’s been corrected on previously calls for a harsh boundary.

[–]broneilbro0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Next?

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

For the record, over many years of dating and marriage, my wife has never disrespected me like that. Take that as you will.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She didn't want to talk, and you were pressing the issue.

Hmmm...sounds like you were being a fucking idiot. Why didn't you shut the fuck up?

You act like a shithead, you get treated like a shithead. WTF, did somebody tell you that everytime an LTR gets horribly upset that you're supposed to 'talk it out'???? Well, don't.

[–]classicthrowaway860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Another classic case of not doing the work or understanding.

Women will respect a man who deserves it, or disrespect a man who deserves it, AWALT. The fact that you put up with her doing this shows you arent worthy of respect, therefore, she will continue.

You DEER, you have a very weak frame, like seriously you're posting on the internet because of a womans words... And I bet you dont lift. Could you go out and get laid by someone else tomorrow if you wanted to?

Do you think Leo Dicaprio would put up with that? No, he wouldnt, it would be a hard next. If your dread levels were high enough, and you were capable of getting other women, you would say once, and only once: "You speak like that again, and we are done". She'll either not speak like that again, or she will and you next her.

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

At least you found this place before you got married.

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.00 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In the 20 years my wife and I have had a relationship she has never insulted me, told me to shut up or talked shit behind my back, Even when I gave her every reason to do so. Even when we were cheating on each other she wouldn't bad mouth me to anyone. Its part of the reason why I am still around. It would be so so much easier to walk away from a shrill fucking cunt like your girlfriend.

[–]CalvinRichland0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nobody tells me to STFU period.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You clearly don’t know shit about this sub faggot.

==>

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Look. This sub attracts men who are in shitty relationships. Do you think guys whose wives respect them and give them sex have a need to Google "why won't my wife respect and fuck me"? No. They don't.

MRP is a fantastic place for men in similar relationships. But it's a bit of an echo chamber.

I compare it to a battered wives support group. If every woman in your group has the same story of being abused, it's REEEEALLY easy to fall into the trap of "all men beat their wives". Just as it's very easy to fall into AWALT here.

So yes, there are good, decent women out there.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

i told my wife when we first started dating: "if you ever criticize me to another human being i will dump you on the spot. and if you feel the need to do so privately, ask yourself if that's really the hill you want our relationship to die on"

she's been nothing but respectful for 9 years

[–]wkndatbernardus-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn dog, do u even have testicles? Last time someone used the f word in reference to me and wasn't kidding, I got in a physical altercation. This B needs to learn how to respect the cock...

https://youtu.be/bbanWHx5AFQ



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