where I am at
Been working through everything I read in the sidebar (I’m reading MMSLP I’m about halfway. I been picking at it everyday. Little by little) . Lifting has never been an issue. My goals have been to stfu and not allow myself to enter her frame. This shit isn’t called hard mode for nothing. She knows exact what buttons to push. I find myself wanting to snap constantly. But I keep saying stfu. Don’t enter her frame. Go do something.
I invited some of our friends over for a forth of July party. Grill and fireworks. We needed to run to the store t”o grab stuff. We had a time frame to prep before I told people to show up. So my goal was to be in and out.
I tell her this. “In and out we need to get back” because I know how she is when we go to the grocery store.
Sure enough she’s taking forever so I go off and grab exactly what we need. While she sits and debated what the ripest avocado is (we didn’t even need them for the party).
When I get done. I meet back up with her. She says I just need to grab a case of water for the house. So I go with her. Of course I’d normally carry the case from the self to the cart but I had received and important text from a buddy. (Yea it could have waited but I didn’t even think anything. I looked and responded.) And she’s fully capable to carry it herself. so she grabs it and walks it over to our cart.
She’s standing there staring over my shoulder at what I’m texting. She knows I hate this and it was personal stuff from a friend that didn’t involve her. So I said stop being nosey. I hate when you do that. Or something of the sort.
She puts the water in the cart and says, why do you always have to be an asshole.
I ignore it. She’s in a mood now. I check my stuff out. And go to the car.
She’s driving, so she goes in and won’t open my door. I stand there, she pulls forward. I stay put for a sec then walk up to the door and keep pulling at the handle and locking on the window. She opens it.
I get in and say. “That was a gooood one babe. You got me so good (in a sarcastic but playful. You can do better tone)” She smirks then goes back to being pissed off 😠
Again just let it be.
Then she goes “are you going to apologize?”
“do you even care about my feelings? You don’t do you?”
I never said that
“You never respect me. Or how I feel. And I do everything for you”
I do respect you.
“Yadda yadda. Now yelling about how I didn’t help her with directions I didn’t even know she needed”
I laugh and say geeez at this point because I can’t even help it. She’s just finding something to get mad at.
We get home and I ask her a legit question about something with the party. She ignores me. I don’t have time for this. I go in the house.
I’m literally taking a quick she and she swings the door open.
Asking if I’m going to bring up the exact stuff I asked her if she wanted me to leave in her car or not. I said
“ I asked you ignored me. So I will get it later”
She said “I ignored you because that’s what you do to me”
“I’m not going to argue with you over trivial stuff, so that’s why I ignore you. ”
(I deer here. I caught it after but it is what it is. I’m still learning)
Now she’s going off on how I didn’t help her carry the water to the cart. When in reality I know it was how I responded to her peering over my should to the text. So I stop this dead.
I’m not doing this. If you needed help you could have asked.
“Look at me. Can you just be nice to me. And respect me”
Of course. I love you!
And then there wasn’t much said after this.
The rest of the night was fine. She is on her period and still blew me. And we all had a fucking blast but I deal with something like this almost daily. About something usually stupid. If I had to get this is coming from a place of needing comfort.
my personal thoughts
She wants my attention. Love and affection. But I am having such a hard time gaming her. I just don’t have that drive in me like I used to. I think about how much i liked her when we first met. And I can’t find that spunk in me anymore to do all I used to anymore. I think it’s because of the constant nagging. I never really been beta to her. always on the alpha side just lack some leadership skills in the relationship.
I have cheated before and women give me lots of attention. So I’m sure it adds to the constant need of comfort but The cheating was pretty far in the past. I’m starting to wonder if this is a sign it’s time to cut things loose. I really do have some good times with her. And in the grand scheme of things our relationship is really good. But I find myself lacking the drive to put in crazy efforts to game and give her affection. And the thing is I do put in effort but it’s almost like I can’t do it fast enough. Or enough to satisfy what she Is looking for. Or maybe that’s just an excuse on my part because I don’t feel like trying. I’m not sure. It’s like I’ll show her love and affection But she is constantly trying to drag more of it out of me. And as you know this can come off unauthentic if that’s the case. She also nags a lot and it causes me to not want to award that behavior. I’m not sure if the nagging is coming from the lack of attention. Or what.
And I honestly got thrown off when she asked me if I care about her feelings. Because I know I’m not supposed to. But I also am not supposed to communicate that with her.