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Mission: Get wife back to work

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July 2, 2018
9 upvotes

I'm looking for a strategy check, I've previously posted on the nature of my wife and it's absolutely fundamental crunch time so I wanted to get some man up advice on the plan I've been running.

She's been out of work for 2 years, since the birth of our daughter. In that time she has not stepped up to the SAHM plate, doesn't really do anything (See previous post if you need to).

As a result, last year I went into white-knight mode before finding this (MRP) place. I know, I know I'm disgusted with myself too, working on it now.

I took 4 months off of work and started doing everything, childcare, cooking / cleaning. It was pathetic. All our savings went, and she was a harpy, lazy cunt, largely still is.

I eventually put our daughter into full time childcare last October as I just didn't trust my wife to be nurturing my child in any way of value e.g. not ever taking her out to playgroups, mingling with other tots and mums, being fun / stimulating etc.

Fast forward Jan this year. The childcare is extortionate, my wife has to go back to work, and that was the expectation, as set from last October. She's also been claiming to have mental illness issues that I then spent even more money on shrinks and quacks and blah blah.

Plan: Slowly turn thumbscrews to drive wife back to work

The tactics:

  • February, I frog marched her up to my bank that I had given her access to before she gave birth and had her removed from it.
  • I gave her an allowance for herself and to cover shopping. 
  • She neglected the shopping so I dropped the amount and assumed this duty.
  • I started hitting MRP/lifting/reading/resetting/winning/loosing/winning etc here.
  • May 1st Informed her on an evening where she told me I was not pulling my weight, that we would need to sell the house if she wasn't back in work soon.
  • She claims to be job hunting tirelessly, yet will not let me see her CV and is not getting any interviews
  • I drop my daughters childcare back from 5 days to 3 to save cash I don't have and to increase the pressure on my wife who does not want to be a full time mum. I tell her if she goes back to work she can increase the days with her own money.
  • Several months have gone by with her claiming to be job hunting, but hiding her efforts from me and her still behaving like an entitled bitch.

It's not even about the money, when we got together, it was always to be that we would both contribute fairly to the household, and since she cannot handle/refuses to be a SAHM, she must go back to work.

My next tactic was going to be, get the estate agents around to value the house and potentially put it on the market. I offered her three choices a little over a month ago where I said:

  • We cancel child care and you look after daughter full time
  • You go back to work, even if that means in a shop just to cover the child care costs
  • We sell the house

Outside of this, i'm developing myself, working through all the things I need to. I'm clawing back time to re-invest back in myself professionally, intellectually, physically. I do pretty well at work, the frustration is that I had been trying to get a side project off the ground with a business partner.

We've been planning since last fall and it could be so big, all the time my business partner has known that I absolutely need to get my costs down to a certain level for me to be able to take the risk. I've virtually got the finances down to mortgage + childcare and this is too high for me to take this next step in my journey.

It seems like selling my house would be the most rational next step to get me into a position to take this business opportunity, take the heat off me to start saving better and reduce the overheads. None of the tactics i've deployed have really worked yet. It does feel like if I take it to the next level and actually sell the house, is that the end of the relationship also.

Plan, tactics, i'm ready for the bitch slaps gentlemen.


Post Information
Title Mission: Get wife back to work
Author raywinstonsaysyouwot
Upvotes 9
Comments 51
Date 02 July 2018 09:48 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204258
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8vhep1/mission_get_wife_back_to_work/
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Comments

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret24 points25 points  (20 children) | Copy

Wow, it sounds like you have a winner there. You know what your biggest problem is? Your wife is not part of your team.

Being part of the team is essential. It means you're committed. It means you're on board, ready to go. You have a shared goal, a shared vision.

But your wife is not on board. Essentially she's lying to you about the job hunting and doing stuff around the house.

Another problem is that you don't respect each other. As a example:

an absolute dragon beast lucifer's daughter of a wife.

the dragon

The wife on the other hand activates dragon mode, she roars at her family

she was a harpy, lazy cunt, largely still is

It sounds like you don't even like each other, let alone respect each other.

From my view, the one here who needs a bitch slap isn't your wife, it's you, for allowing this to go on for SO LONG. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you allowing your depressed alcoholic wife to be in that situation. What part of this sounded like a good idea at the time. "Sure, honey, I'll let you drink yourself stupid."

But you came here for some advice, so here is what you need to do.

-Pour out all the alcohol in the house.

-Get your wife to a therapist and get on medication if you have to for depression.

-Start taking a walk with your wife EVERY DAY, because physical activity helps depression.

-Put the kid to bed early, and sit down with her and work on her non-existent CV, because she hasn't done crap. And get her a Linkedin profile.

-Turn off internet use in the house for her, take away her phone and restrict her usage. Remember, oldest teenager in the house. You want to hit them hard, take away internet.

-Go over EVERY DAY what she did for job hunting.

At the same time, you need to be working on yourself. Get your ass up at 5am, get your workouts in early. You want money for this new business venture? Get a better job. Work your MAP.

Your slowly turning thumbscrews plan is a bitch move. She needs to wake up right now, and you need to get her there. Not with a covert contract of "if I turn these thumbscrews she will eventually get a job and all will be cotton candy and unicorns", but you need to wake her up.

Also, don't do anything stupid. Going Rambo is stupid. You've been warned.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

Sounds like a lot of work turning garbage into gold. She worked before...I wonder if seeing a lawyer he could get an estimate on her chances at alimony...or if he could demonstrate an ability to work.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Plowhorses gonna plow.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

I did all this almost step by step.

Didn’t work. Didn’t matter how hard I tried.

Even now that she is moved out, she still isn’t looking for a job.

The sense of entitlement runs deep once established.

Encouraging my wife to be a SAHM was probably my biggest mistake ever.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Mine too.

You’re not alone

[–]An_Actual_Politician1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Mine as well. Chris Rock has a great bit on how quickly women become entitled. Talked about letting her ride coattails while he was checking in to a Four Seasons hotel. She was all "WOOOOW".

Flash forward two hours and she's on the room phone berating kitchen staff over fucking up her cinnamon toast order.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Even in our lowest point my wife was still pulling her weight. My wife and I may have been at odds, but mostly we were headed in the right direction. It doesn't even seem like his wife is. At some point you need to cut your losses. He needs to have an exit plan in place so he can see exactly what effort get whats result.

u/raywinstonsaysyouwot have you started to contemplate what your life would be like without her? It seems like your doing most the work anyway. Why not get a raise and 50\% of the time off? Think about it, right now you dedicate 100\% of your effort to supporting a household with her in it. If you gave her temporary alimony and spent the rest as you see fit it seems like you'd get a raise.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed.

Life without his stupid ass, lazy, entitled, booze-guzzling, pill-popping, soul-sucking wife around sounds a lot better.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy

So I took steps in Jan to get her to a private doctor, and a therapist, and some others. Long story short, she's on meds.

There's no alcohol in the house anymore, check. That's as recent as two weeks ago. She's very sneaky about it though.

I was checking in daily about the job stuff, and CV up until last Tuesday. She went totally thermonuke in the eve,screaming and shouting at me about not wanting me to get involved, so I had to exit the convo and StFU.

I'm on the up early, working hard routine. The money side, I earn a good 6 figure income, it's really a question of getting the silly outgoings down more. They are not at a reasonable level. It's a catch 22, as I could spend the next 6 months pursuing a level up career wise in the day job, but that will take me away from this separate business opportunity which i'd love to focus on, but i need to batten down the hatches and reduce outgoings to give that a shot.

I like the idea of turning the interent off. I can't even begin to think of what that reaction would be, I think she would see it as a way to not job hunt.

I promise I won't go rambo. It does feel like you suggest, she doesn't seem to like me very much and i'm not really her biggest fan right now.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

She went totally thermonuke in the eve,screaming and shouting at me about not wanting me to get involved, so I had to exit the convo and StFU.

thats why she did it, so you go away.

I'm surprised you don't see obvious manipulation as manipulation

I can't even begin to think of what that reaction would be

She doesn't care about you, perhaps you need to get with the program

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

IS that the actively prep for divorce program +MAP program?

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Nope, go getum tiger! You gotnthis

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

stfu/sidebar/lift/stfu/sidear

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Good on you for the meds for the wife, and no alcohol in the house.

With her thermonuke, she obviously did it so that you go away. Absolutely agree with u/Rian_Stone here. And newsflash - it worked! You might want to consider re-evaluating that situation.

The real problem is the power dynamics that you are operating under, as well as the depression issue here.

First, depression. While it's very easy for people to say "Well she's just a broken woman, work on yourself, get yourself fixed, go check out a divorce lawyer, etc." I'm going to take a bit of a different take here. As someone who fought depression and won over twenty years ago, I can say that it is not easy. When you're on meds, it deadens your emotions. It sucks. Some days you just want to sleep all day. Not cool. So I have a bit of sympathy for fighting depression. And it kind of goes to the stuff in wedding vows, right. "In sickness and in health." And who wouldn't want their wife (who I assume you actually care for/love when she's not being a bitch/have some sort of fond emotion toward) to get better. Editors note - if you've past that point and don't even like your wife and there are a ton of red flags, well then you need to do your cost/benefit analysis and see if it's worth staying.

So many times people come here with the same old story: "Hay guys, my life is great except for the sex/red flag/cheating/etc. wat do?" Many times there is a easy and obvious answer. "Hay guys, my wife cheated on me with five other guys, should I still stay with her?" "Well, if you want to be a cuck, yes."

But mental illness is a challenge that requires professional treatment. And I'm not talking cluster B narcissistic predators (which basically is protect yourself), but stuff like post natal depression or depression. Which you've already done, so good.

There's a J10 comment about how men just want their wives to stop sucking (I would add 'or start', heh) when they get here and start their MAP, but you need to fix all of your areas here.

Onto power dynamics. Take a look at the power dynamics that you are operating under right now, from a outsider's point of view. You took away the finances. You took away the allowance. Essentially you've gone malevolent dictator. which at one level I don't even disagree with. Shit's gotta get done, the household has got to run, and you can't have a first mate who's not doing anything.

But with you being the malevolent dictator, how do you think she's going to fall into your frame here? Do you think she will resent you? Respect you more? Even like you more? Have more fun with you? No, of course not.

What I would suggest here is being the benevolent dictator, at the very minimum until the mental stuff gets figured out. What are the characteristics of a benevolent dictator. Even more importantly, what are those power dynamics. What can you do to operate in power dynamics that are beneficial to you, but also beneficial to her.

I'll leave you with this final thought. Right now, you guys don't even like each other, let alone respect each other, and your power dynamics are for shit. Try doing one thing per day from a beneficial standpoint. Do one thing, just one thing per day that is fun together.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Super appreciate this viewpoint, the whole mental health side of things has been a tricky one for me. Especially since finding MRP and hitting up the side bar and learning more about how i've in the past been trying to fix her/help her.

She supposedly had post natal depression, fought the public health system for a year, refused meds, ended up in a secure hospital, mocked the whole thing via instagram stories and got let out after receiving not meds or therapy. Finally got on some CBT in December.

Around about new years, I laid it down amongst other things that she needed to start real therapy and get on meds / quit booze. The public health system washed their hands of her. And referred her onto a waiting lst of another adult mental services instead of the perinatal team.

Long story short, the assessment for the adult mental health services happened 6 months ago.. they flagged up an unspecifed personality disorder.

I took the action of finding a therapist privately AND a psychiatrist. She fucked about with her meds, failing to increase the dosage and arguing about it. The therapist discharged her as she started binge drinking again after 6 weeks of going along and also not doing her homework.

The final thing I did before going to a lawyer and finding MRP was pay for her to see a top psychiartrist and she started to take a new second medication.

I found this place, decided that i'd thrown good money after bad. It's up to her to take meds, not take meds, go to therapy or not.

Her uselessness seems to permeate every facet of her life. Final example, so she is now on her own to chase up the public health service for which she is on a waiting lst for. She chose to come off of one of her meds 6 weeks ago and she did so cold turkey. Obviously that's not best practice but she would not be told. As a result she has spent the last 6 weeks in the spare bedroom at night not sleeping with terrible insomnia.

She was meant to have her first appointment with the new public health psychiatrist yesterday. At lunch I get a text "Oh you're gonna be angry. I fell back to sleep when I got back from dropping our daughter off at nursery today and missed the psych appointment again."

In the evening she demanded a 200 dollar haircut, I immediately left and went to the gym, and then did the weekly shop afterwards. I'm at work and will reflect on the concept of doing one fun thing a day together.

I do genuinely try to still be fun, until she acts up and I just stfu and leave the situ. The power dynamics are quite fucked.

edit:

To your point about whether I care for my wife and wish for her to get better etc. Yes,absolutely, even though i'm out of compassion, just as a human being and as she is the mother of my child, it would be best for her to figure out how to be OK with life, handle responsibilities. I sometimes think, all it would take is for her to just smile, laugh once in a while. Or not voice criticism/stream of negativity constantly. Or be happy in the moment at the simple fact that life is OK. For me to forgive all. She has shown me nothing, she continues to show me nothing, that could be because of the rope, or because she is truly a rubbish person. Time will tell.

However, reading more and more of the RP materials... particularly Rollo, I look back at how we got together, the journey. And the whole thing is fishy, I can't go back in time, but there were so many flags.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do you think it's wise to start this business with her as a 50% investor on your half with $0 at risk?

[–]helaughsinhidden3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

This post says everything. Hit the PRINT button.
--------------------------

Do this stuff. Seriously your wife is like a wild teenager, so treat her ass accordingly! You are the daddy. You are HER DADDY, so put her ass on restriction from anything unproductive. Just imagine there is a little girl inside her trying to get out that wants you to implement all these changes for force the evil demon bitch out. I see you are concerned about the "reaction" from another comment. Don't be. Cut off everything with out notice and smile and say, something deflecting.

When she protests, and she will, don't even hear it. Simply ignore anything this demon woman says. She gonna use her manipulative language to fool you, but.... here's the key ONLY WATCH HER ACTIONS!!! Words obviously mean nothing to her from your ALANON post, so assume every word is a lie. Don't let any of this piss you off either, keep calm ALWAYS. Use the DARE response method, never DEER!!!! (click to read up) This will also have the added affect of improving your frame, sounds like she's either turned you into, or exposed you for being quite a beta bitch, to be blunt.

I would add, make sure she is waking up at the same time as you and not sleeping in or staying up too late.

Do you have a mentor, a trustworthy man that you admire that you can bring in? Can you recruit her family into this issue? I am guessing they are the worst of trash and the reason she is such a train wreck, but there has to be someone she respects like a brother, sister, grandmother, one of her parents???

Good luck!!! You are gonna need it brother!

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Good shout on the DARE not DEERing, i'm practicing this daily..

It's quite funny in some ways, as she is so guarded and deceptive about what she's up to all day. I've stopped asking as it was her who was always DAREing me.

I stick to pleasantness and if she's in a shitty mood or wants to start complaining, I deflect, repeat, exit...

She's been sleeping in the spare room for the past month as she has given herself insomnia from going cold turkey on one of her mood balancing meds, so I believe she stays up on her phone. I reckon the blue light is probably as much as to blame for making it difficult for her to sleep. Tried things like no mobiles in bedrooms, she's relentless.

You're right, her family are a fucked up mess. All family members believe her to have an alcohol problem, but have absolved themselves as having any helpful role in getting through to her.

The mother and sister had kept all of this secret from the father for the past 18 months, my wife went down to stay with her family a month ago at my request, and she told her dad, up the pub that she had had depression.. he launched into a tirade at her how he felt ashamed and that he wanted to kill himself as a result of it.

There is no one else who can help out. I'm also pretty sure that blood is thicker than water, and the family can see the writing on the wall and will be ready to rationalise it as completely all my fault. My fault that she was fucked up from childhood, emotionally neglected, has the empathy capabilities of a stunted 3 year old and doesn't know how to be an adult.

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

he launched into a tirade at her how he felt ashamed and that he wanted to kill himself as a result of it.

This reaction sounds a little TOO GUILTY! A normal person doesn't go over the deep end and think of suicide at this kind of news. I don't want to speculate, but I think he knows something that nobody else knows and he is feels responsible. Good luck!

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

She sounds a little bit like my own lazy ass wife who was bone idle before kid and now regards 30 min of diapering, dressing and feeding as a day's work.

Sometimes I wish I could clone myself and raise my kid as 2 gay dads.

[–]Senor_Martillo7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

The sex would be so hot...

[–]simbarlionRed Beret6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

I agree with others, but different tack...

Making her work is no different from making her have sex. You need to get to the root of the problem so she wants to change.

Spoiler: problem is either you or her.... If it's her, you can't change her.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

That's what I have bee hoping the dialing down of access to funds and any pampering would initiate in her a genuine desire to go earn her own money.

Is your thinking, keep at the MAP for myself lift/stfu and say set a timeframe in which i need to see her gain a job, and then if it's truly her... take those steps?

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

my answer is really to just carry on your own life with the 'road block' you have here. I don't like your approach, i think you are better off getting a cleaner and letting her clean around your wife.

You would not believe it but i have the opposite, a work a holic who is losing touch with the family. I fought it hard, all sorts of reasons. Once i let it go I have started to see results. Let it go. Pursue other interesting things in your life for a while. If she doesn't come along, its time to let go of the 1000ft rope.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

We used to have a cleaner, I could get another one. Worry about the message that sends out.

I think i'm getting the point that it's actually irrelevant in your eyes and it's more about me being more content with the living environment I have to come home to?

It grates on me hard how she just expects everything, we drive a 400 dollar car, not because I can't afford something sweet (cars were a huge passion of mine before her). But we drive it, as a) i'm painting the picture of being impoverished to her, and b) in the past if she ever got wind of me even considering purchasing a nice car (as a reward for work successes) she launched into how she would refuse to use the 400 dollar car as the family run around and not take our daughter anywhere outside of the house as she would deserve to use the new fun car daily.

I'm up the gym a lot and it's helping with the anger upsetting my frame.

[–]FeralRed5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like a really heavy anchor you're been dragging around. Why?

But you also have to look at yourself.

Why did you allow this for so long? Why do you allow her to continue to lie to you about CV/hunting? Why are you depleting your financial reserves? Why do you allow her to continue to be a leech that contributes nothing?

All this shit points at you not being a functional captain....so you have to fix that.

She gets away with shit because despite all your complaining, you let her.

A woman is fluid, she takes the shape of the container you provide. Your leadership is toilet level, so your woman is just shit.

You've posted nothing about you. Which is telling. You lift? frame? dread? stats? Look at the 'cut the shit" stickied post. You answer and of those questions? (nevermind... just checked your history)

My read is you know this is futile.

There are zero reasons to waste time going through dread steps if you know the outcome. Dread is a binary decision engine at it's root. Which means it's foremostly designed to eliminate you as the problem variable.

Because if you're not the problem, wife/relationship is.

You're a shit leader, you have to fix that whether you stay together or not. But she truly sounds like a shitshow (but that's seeing her through your lens), so you have an important decision to make....

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

[–]343804 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

She claims to be job hunting tirelessly, yet will not let me see her CV and is not getting any interviews

I don't have much to add, but unemployment is at record low levels. If she's not getting interviews, she's not applying for the right jobs or not applying at all, but then again ... you already knew that.

[–]mrpthrowa2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Have you done a cost analysis if you were to divorce?

At this point, I don't see this being turned around.

Improve yourself, (do you lift? what are your stats?)

Once you're in a state where you can pull any chick, drop the papers and move on.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

No bursting of your bubble but not time to start a business.

Better take a look at MIL. You maybe fucked.

In that case better get ready to raise your kid by yourself

[–]suprathepeg2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If I was you I’d run your map and get ready to split. Start stashing cash hard, nuke your income and sell the house. Dump her off and reset financially.

Don’t start a business you’ll need to split with her now or find a way to protect the assets.

[–]Tebulus2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are trying to patched a cracked radiator with gorilla glue. Your wife is an alcoholic with deep seated issues and that takes priority above all else. REPEAT: Nothing you do MRP or otherwise will change her behavior for the better. Not dread, not plates, not lifting, not meditation etc. For your sanity and your daughters mental and physical health you need to act. There is no MRP solution here except preparing for the divorce and getting evidence of her behavior ready. She needs to want to stop and go down the path to sobriety on her own. The only OYS you need to do right now is accept that you vetted poorly and married way too fucking quickly and have not yet kicked her out yet.

Your options are to place her into inpatient treatment which is prohibitively expensive and not a guarantee that she will even comply with it, or to divorce her and kick her ass out so she can hit rock bottom and figure it out for herself without a free ride to be self destructive and spend your resources.

I know what I would choose.

edit: jesus christ op. What the fuck is this?

after nearly bankrupting myself paying for couple’s therapy, which she got turned away from ultimately because she was binge drinking. I have been trying to work on myself.

I had legal advice, and it's so likely that even with what I know, she would get defacto custody of our daughter. And if anyone saw behind the scenes, she just doesn't care about her.

Gather evidence silently and get ready to excise this cancer with some divorce.

[–]2235522 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You have presented 3 choices. What about 4th, dropping dead weight from your life? You come here, you complain about your wife being crazy, lazy, and incompetent. You keep asking us how to change your wife. You can't change your wife.

- Why are you not considering getting divorced? What value is she bringing to your life? What about her is so appealing to you, that you are putting up with so much crap?

You can't force your wife to get a job. She has to realize, she needs to contribute and willingly get a job. Otherwise, even if you do your best, and push her to get a job, she will complain, and resent you for it.

Stop avoiding hard truths, and reality.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have and am considering it. I saw a divorce lawyer in April, and the feedback I received was, If and when it comes to the crunch I really need her to be back at work so the differential in our earnings is lower and therefore the chances of spousal maintenance is lower.

They also advised me that if that's the direction I want to go in, then selling the house whilst inside the relationship would be a great strategy for not needing to have to settle that in court later.

I had really been thinking give the MRP approach a try so that she'd go back to work, and then things would be better, or not and then i'd be ready to take it to the next step.

The job thing was important in either scenarios.

What i'm now considering since talking to a friend in law is that I should go and see a lawyer who is twice the cost but specialises in 'difficult' cases.

I don't currently see that she adds any value to my life, she's a miserable, aggressive, mess of a person, I just don't want to make a mis-step and get divorce raped, or loose significant access to my daughter. That being said, I also accept responisbility for my part in all this and do feel I should give MRP a bash.

The biggest challenge is the knowing, is my one a total lost cause and to just expedite the whole thing, or if I should STFU for a min a year and keep at it.

[–]askmeanything21 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

If you use draconian measures your wife will claim DV and emotional abuse, and have you removed from what will be her house. Your marriage is based on a rotten foundation and will collapse.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Are my measures draconian in your eyes? Are you suggesting a different plan or tactics?

[–]askmeanything22 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

STFU, lift, read

"I'm going to sell the house" No, STFU "I'm going to turn the internet off" No, STFU "I'm going to cancel childcare" No, STFU "I'm going to leave you" No, STFU

Next go see a divorce lawyer. The stay plan is the same as the go plan. In this case you need to first develop a go plan. Only when you have a go plan can you determine the tactics.

Imagine you hated your business partner's guts, and he hated you. How is your business going to do?

[–]duhhhh1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Busted!!

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I offered her three choices

How many times does she have to fail until you finally take over?

[–]quentinthequibbler0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You have gotten a lot of good advice. You may also need to visit a divorce attorney and start to understand what the cost is going to be. Be sure to go for majority custody for yourself as she does not sound like someone Who should be raising kids. Also go to therapy with her and start documenting in a very serious recordable way that she has a drinking problem so that would cost if you guys come up you come from a stronger position. I would also put my concerns in writing to her not as a threat that you’re going to divorce her but just the steps that you have taken to be sure that your child is OK and cared for something like “I appreciate the last two weeks there’s nothing alcohol in the house however I am still concerned because you’re sneaky about it...”

And definitely making sure she’s back to work before you separate.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks, so I saw one lawyer in April. High level feedback was, to get prepped this will all hut you less if you can get her back to work and also sell your house whilst inside the relationship.

I'm not sure if their above the waist advice strictly applies to my wife.. i've researched a specialist lawyer firm that deals with train wreck / personality disordered partners. I'm going to go see them, had to wait for my funds to recover after all the therapy I sent my wife on.

Appreciate all the advice about getting stuff on record, that's been one of the hardest things for me. Trying to proove that she has a sneaky alcohol problem is tough, still working on that.

[–]oneredguy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Get a divorce, take the pain, and find better women

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I couldn’t even read all the comments; unusual for me.

You are over-complicating this shit. I know, because I did it for 6 YEARS.

Here’s the 90 day version;

You; “You have two choices. Do your fucking job as a full time, SAHM, or get a job to pay for the consequences of you working.”

Her; “Or what?”

You; “I’ll divorce you and hire someone cheaper and more competent to take care of our children.”

It took me 6 years to get to that conversation. She failed. I left.

Take as long as you like. Complicate the process all you want, but at the end of the day, do not whine about your tacit acceptance of this situation over time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

you talk too much about your wife and not about you. external locus of control will get you nowhere

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Some of your frustration with the answers you are getting is that Red Pill is about "SEXUAL" strategy.

None of the tactics i've deployed have really worked yet.

The tactics on MRP are geared towards sexual strategy, not get your wife to work strategy. We have pretty poor success with the dynamic you describe. You are probably not going to dread your wife into losing weight and you are not going to dread her into getting off her fat ass and getting a job.

You might be able to lead her in that direction but it is a tough nut that many have failed to crack.

Several guys have claimed that if you can't talk her into it, one option to divorcing her is to literally bully her into it. I am pretty sure that only works if you can make her cry.

I like the options you are developing. This is what leadership looks like.

[–]raywinstonsaysyouwot[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It's an honour to have some feedback from the BPP!!

I've watched all your youtube videos and read the 12 levels of dread at least weekly.

It's an interesting one, as I think the thing that has really baked my noodle, is, as I have been discovering redpill theory. And especially MRP, with the onus on me.

Where is the line between an unhappy wife who just needs a little more desire and strong leadership in her life, vs a bad egg who is just totally fucked and in need of god knows what.

My frame is much better this week, came home last night. She'd somehow incurred some fine from the govt because she never administered her tax affairs properly. I just DGAF'd as she started kicking off and shouting/swearing in front of our daughter. Told her to knock it off in front of our daughter and set the boundary that i'm not going to and cannot afford to pay for her mistakes.

DARE'd it hard and kept calm.

And then got our daughter to bed, and carried on with my own stuff for the eve. It's difficult to know if these are just shit tests, or just her being a total fucking disaster zone.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Where is the line between an unhappy wife who just needs a little more desire and strong leadership in her life, vs a bad egg who is just totally fucked and in need of god knows what.

We suggest a time table of about a year (Athol Kay) or about 1 month for every year of blue pill behavior (Me) but the line you identify is yours and yours alone. I would stop focusing on it and focus on improvement. Once you do that the line will be more clear.

[–]AristideSaccard-3 points-2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Same situation here. Trimming your liquid assets to invest in your future and your kids looks like a reasonable solution.

You are involving yourself too much in your wife issues, you can't decide for her, if you recommend her for a job for instance this can only bring you reputational trouble. As a young mom she will find plenty of people in our society to excuse her behavior no matter how bad.

Just own your shit and be patient until your kid goes to school, it will open more possibilities

[–]suprathepeg0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So OP should spend years of his life treading water?

[–]AristideSaccard1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP looks like he could use some work on himself, probably better to use the time before his kid goes to school - 18 months apparently, not that long - to good use and avoid popping a second one.

Nothing good is going to happen from tricking is wife into work.... The problem looks deeper



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