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How can I stop feeling the need to explain myself all the time?

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June 28, 2018
10 upvotes

I always feel the need to explain myself. It’s like I can’t handle when someone thinks something that is completely untrue or completely misunderstanding the point.

If my wife says something that doesn’t make any sense to a decision I made I almost feel the need to correct her train of thought. Or DEER.

“That doesn’t even make any sense.. and away I go”

same with a post over in TRP. An outside sub had posted about “red pillers” and how awful they were and how the women escaped a prison when it came to their relationships with ex boyfriends who followed the red pill.

And it immediately made me want to ask them. How your ex improving himself a prison. It’s clear your ex didn’t actually follow........ you get the picture.

It’s a constant need to DEER. I do everything in my life with a purpose so if my wife. Friends. Etc are going to question something I do. Or try to turn it into something it’s not. I hate having them think that way so i try to change it.

How can I stop this?


Post Information
Title How can I stop feeling the need to explain myself all the time?
Author squidwig
Upvotes 10
Comments 45
Date 28 June 2018 12:48 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204272
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8uj2re/how_can_i_stop_feeling_the_need_to_explain_myself/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
DEERthe red pill
Comments

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret22 points23 points  (5 children) | Copy

You need to get over the idea that “if they could just understand “ they would agree with you / see your point.

You need to realize that most people don’t think and don’t care to think. They know what they know.

Rather - it is more useful at first to explain to yourself that people around you don’t care and already made up their mind.

Also consider why you have the belief that explaining helps you be understood and why you have this sick need for validation and understanding.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

To add to taipanshimshon's thoughtful advice, you should note that over-explanation is annoying. So, (1) there's no need for them to understand, (2) they don't care, and (3) over-explaining irritates those around you.

Tldr: the world likes less words and less talking.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Meta!

[–]squidwig[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

But that’s the thing a lot of them don’t see it from my perspective and when I explain it they finally do. Or apologize. It usually. Not always. But usually seems to work.

But I’m told doing it is bad.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you find yourself explaining something - or wanting to- in a setting other than one where you were asked to teach - you need to stop.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

But that’s the thing a lot of them don’t see it from my perspective and when I explain it they finally do. Or apologize.

They are probably trying to get you to shut up and move on, Rainman.

[–]alphasixfour7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

I get it dude. I love being right. Love winning arguments and love having all the answers. It's my nature. Guess what? It's weak-ass bullshit. The deeper I get into my journey the more I realize that nobody gives a fuck. This instinct is a craving for the validation of being right. Kill your ego and you will be free.

It's not important to have all the right answers. It's more important to ask all the right questions.

[–]squidwig[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How do I kill my ego

[–]alphasixfour1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The answers you seek are already found in this post and more importantly in the basic sidebar reading.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (9 children) | Copy

It's happening because you're deep in her frame. She is a child, you are daddy. Daddy doesn't care about what the child thinks, he just does what's best. At least that's how it's supposed to be but for you it's the reverse.

In practice, for now you can literally STFU. She says something that doesn't make sense: you shut the fuck up. Don't say anything because right now, there is nothing you can say that will help you because you are in her frame.

[–]squidwig[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

If your child comes up to you and says. “Daddy doggy!” And shows you a picture of a cat you’re going to explain to her. “That’s a cat. Not a doggy”

You’re not just going to ignore the behavior or laugh at it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I guess that's where the child-daddy analogy falls short but if you're too dumb to understand that you're not there to educate your woman on basic realities of life we got bigger problems here.

But I know you're just trying to DEER me right now because you're a fucking faggot with no spine. You know damn well that your question wasn't about issues like "this is a dog not a cat". This is about the emotional reality of your wife and the fact that you allow her to bring you into this reality.

Do you think your wife is afraid that you're going fuck another woman when you go out? Do you think she bites her lips and get red in the face when she catches you naked going from the shower to the bedroom?

So you have two thing do to: read the fucking material and lift. Also, read this: https://archive.is/KcLjR

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That link needs to be on the sidebar.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It is lol that's where I took it

[–]kendallb1832 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

No baby, that's a cat. Making a statement is different than explaining.

No baby, there are different types of animals, see we have an animal kingdom, and they are sub divided into categories... these categories are blah blah blah blah

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Ah...I was about to link you. Did you read Taipanshimshon's top reply?

[–]kendallb1830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I've experimented seeing the world through that lense to see how true it is. It actually has been showing itself to be really accurate, I find I have this same problem as the OP... but some situations more than others. I could only make the comment I did because I knew the difference in how I would respond going way too in depth

[–]beta_no_mo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mean...you could.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The guys have you pegged correctly as Rain Man I think. LOL.

I would redirect the child by asking him how the animal sounds but I do a credible dog and cat imitation.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

  • Develop an inner backseat driver that sits on your shoulder that you need to check with before you open your mouth.

  • Treat all questions as rhetorical statements until proven otherwise (unless it's so patently obvious you would look like an idiot not saying something...). Or statements you disagree with as pundit style exposition.

  • Never get into theoretical discussions with her.

  • Realize they enjoy the talking more than the solving. It's also always better to ask leading questions if you want someone to come to a different conclusion (if they are able). Get better at that. Just stating things makes you sound dogmatic, and again invites more back and forth which generally they aren't interested in (it's just the dialog, the emotion, the exposition). Learn to play that. Again, doesn't matter what your wife thinks of quantum physics , but might matter what your coworker or boss does if you're in the field.

Also, the overall arc is you need to get out of reactive mode.

My daughter and I like to joke and tease each other so we get into this quick-fire mode. It's fun, but if I don't pay attention it gets me into reactive mode and parenting gets non-surprisingly more frustrating until I stop and reset.

Have to relax into thinking more and speaking less. It's really not necessary and always remember she's really more interested in talking than listening. And any time you correct something you weren't really a party to , you just invite a shit-test.

I used to do the same thing. If not careful I can slip into the same pattern. But in the end what does it matter what your wife's view on global politics is and it's impact on your life. Who cares. Save these discussions if you feel like pontificating with your friends.

[–]helaughsinhidden4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

u/Squidwig I have historically struggled here myself. Read "When I say no, I feel guilty". Secondly, I bet you get frustrated during these exchanges and she knows it. Then the conversation degrades to anger or you giving up. She wins by default because you fell for her trap / shittest.

Step 1. Start to pay closer attention to their body language, it will help to give up your quest to correct them. Eye rolling, looking away, responding immediately without time to digest your feedback are all signs that no one gives a shit.

Step 2. When you catch yourself in mid-explanation, just stop talking. Seriously, Mid-fucking-sentence. See what happens. The goal is to not respond after you've stated your superior and true input. In sales / negotiation we have a saying "the first one to talk loses" because that person is weak and you don't want to be it. Shutting up allows your word to be the LAST WORD. An unanswered reply will echo in their head.

3.0 Start to say short replies that display dominance in the relationship. If it's the wife protesting a decision you made, say "daddy said so, and that's final", "that's nice sweetheart", "ok, sure thing sugartits" and wear a wide grin.

[–]redwall922 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think you have wings and a yellow orangutan ass.

[–]squidwig[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yea I get when you blow something out it proportion. Or say something ridiculous. It’s dumb to respond but if something makes sort of sense. It’s different

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Read this link...

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2ruugd/how_to_become_outcome_independent_using_a_stoic/

It will help you focus on what is in your control versus what is out of your control.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You sound like my sister in law who always has to be right. I found out about this 'red flag' while reading one of the sidebar books that categorized the women to avoid.. she was the "Competitor"

[–]pridebrah1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hmm, which book was that? Sounds interesting

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

In a word : practice.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

How do you stop this behaviour ? Change your thinking.

Instead of trying to stop the behaviour cold, get in touch with what you are feeling and then thinking when you do the behaviour. Then change the thinking. The behaviour change will follow.

So what are you feeling or thinking when you want to do these things ?

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

“How can I stop feeling the need to explain myself all the time?”

You will stop feeling that way when you STOP being a weak, needy, insecure, little bitch. Your self-confidence and self-esteem are low. You are too invested in what other people think because you don’t think enough of yourself.

I read your post and comment history. Along the way you say you’re jacked, your game is on point, been with over 100 women as a grade A manwhore, and you are shacking up with a loyal, successful, beautiful woman. You checked all of the external validation boxes, but you’re still unhaaaapy.

Well, fuck you, you sniveling, snot-nosed, entitled little prick.

What would happen, right now, if fulfilling your dream of starting your own business in the field you felt passionate about, REQUIRED you to move 1500 miles away from your SO, leave her behind, and live in a small apartment in a medium sized town? And success is all but guaranteed.

Does that prospect cause you to feel fear? Or excitement?

You have become king of external validation. You are losing your shit on the battlefield of your mind.

It’s been 34 days since you read WISNIFG and other sidebar items. What else have you read?

I suggest you stop wherever you are, buy a notebook, get NMMNG, and DO THE FUCKING EXERCISES.

Next, read The Rational Male.

One note of caution, and warning.

If you get her pregnant, all bets are off, as well as the NEXT 20 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.

Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams and settle into a life of servitude in a relationshit where YOU have a problem with the imbalance of power, and SHE will come to resent you for it.

Or, I could be wrong about ALL of this shit. My crystal ball is cracked and a little foggy from the rain and humidity.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I swear my chest hair grows every time I read one of your posts.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

BONUS!

[–]becoming_alpha1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

In my professional life, my job is to make a case and back it up with facts and data. Then business decisions are (hopefully) rationally made. I DEER for a living.

Inter-gender relationships are fundamentally different. You can't expect rationality. You can't expect your wife or anyone else to see things from your point of view just because you happen to be right. Emotions are way more important than facts to women. Two things you need to get into your head: 1) it's ok for her to be wrong (even to be wrong about you), and 2) you are your own judge.

You need to ingest and internalize WISNIFG.

[–]alpha-zach1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have had a similar need. I’ve largely eliminated it with people I don’t care about, but when I find myself with someone valuable to me, child, wife, brotherly friend, the urge bites pretty hard.

I believe it comes from my highly logical past nature. A time in which I didn’t value emotions at all, mine or anyone else’s.

Accepting that most people aren’t logical was a big step. Most people don’t care about right or wrong. Just power. Even those who think they do care about right or wrong, often lack frame and their right or wrong is a reflection of someone else more powerful in their life who has the frame; a parent, spiritual organization, spouse, boss, whatever.

To me, this is a big part of frame control. If you have “full” frame, they won’t disagree with you. You can make an outlandish statement and they’ll fill in the blanks with their rationalizations as to why you are right.

This is a big part of why religion is so powerful. If there’s an omniscient all powerful being, obviously he has the frame. So he can say anything and his followers will fill in the blanks to explain the logic of why he is right(hamstering)

Think of a child, would you DEER with a 5 year old about why the sky is blue? No. That’s absurd. You just make the statement and move on. If the child asks why, go ahead and explain to help them learn and grow. They’ve accepted your statement as true, so make it easy for them to hold onto truth. But if the child throws a tempertantrum (shit test) demanding that it’s green, you just shrug and move on.

Other people in your life need to be treated this way. They accept your system of beliefs or they leave. It’s that simple. Hold this mentality and people will fall in line naturally. People don’t like being at odds. It’s uncomfortable. So they will come back to you a day, a week, a month later and DEER to you about why you were right. They do this because emotionally they want your power. If they don’t come back and submit, no amount of explanation would’ve ever convinced them.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The underlying answer to both the wife issue and Reddit issue is your need for validation. You care to much about what other people think. If you truly didn't care you would not be compelled to answer.

I have lots more for you on the wife thing. You are most likely flooding whenever your wife appears unhappy with you. When your fight or flight reflex kicks in you no longer think rationally and you do stupid shit like DEER. Study the stoics (read the Meditations by Marcus Aralius every day) and learn how to meditate and control your autonomic reactions and it will get better. This is the root of your overwhelming need to DEER.

On Reddit, I see far less of a problem. I myself often enjoy a side of venison with my argument. However, it goes Comment, Answer, Reply, and counter. That's all you get. Everybody get's 2 go rounds for the DEER and then it's over. I don't think that is so bad.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’re the pretentious guy in the room who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else but really just sounds annoying and boring as fuck. While you’re off in the corner ranting and raving logically about how your wife has some issue all wrong, Chad will be pulling her aside with a joke that makes her forget about the issue altogether.

[–]remo_williams10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Read WISNIFG.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You should probably take a "Big 5" personality test. I'm guessing you would score fairly high on Neuroticism. To get over this you will likely need a cognitive-behavioral therapy approach.

[–]trpbritguy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm doing this! Why? Because I am/want to! But... I don't care, I'm doing this!

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

So if i were to argue the sky is down, not up, would feel the need to correct me, or just laugh at my complete lack of intelligence?

TBH it sounds like you need to be right more than you need to explain.

How can I stop this?

Side bar is this way-------->

start with NMMNG, and do the fucking work, just don't read it.

[–]squidwig[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

No but if you came up to me and said look at that star in the sky and it was an airplane. I’m going to tell you it’s an airplane.

And you’re probably going to look closer and to. Oh shit it is.

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

This just proves that you just want to be right, who gives a fuck. you know and that's what matters

[–]squidwig[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Then maybe I should change my question to why do i always have to be right

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

start with NMMNG, and do the fucking work, just don't read it.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

What part of NMMNG and WISNIFG did you not understand? Have you read them yet?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Clearly he hasn't. He's the "I don't want to read anything or do anything, just give me the magic line to make this work" type of poster.



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