I wanted to provide an update since my wife decided she wants to do the "trial separation" aka "soft divorce".
First I want to thank everybody who as provided advice since I swallowed the pill in October. I have become aware of who I was, am and where I need to be. I have to say the me from a year ago would have been crying like a bitch. Damn hypergamy is a bitter truth.
As in my previous posts I was initially shocked by the delivery of the news but I had seen the red flags over the months; distancing herself, lack of communication, projection of insecurities; oh and the Chad.
I minimized calling her shit out because it would come from a place of weakness and insecurity like I have done in the past. It was pretty DGAF about it and STFU. Also deployed it is just a bad idea.
Since she dropped the news two weeks ago, she actually has reached out more and seemed more cordial for some reason. I think it was my DGAF reaction which was STFU and minimal DEER with more AA than usual. She was expecting the tears and anger but more like laughs and amusement.
Our most recent conversation started with us talking about logistics of her move and how my daughter is doing in school etc (RESET). I discussed my plan when I returned as I have a lot on my plate that is requiring logistics but I'm compressing them together to minimize distractions. After that she started to drive the conversation about the reasons why she wanted the separation.
She started to discuss a lot of insecurities she had with me, "was I cheating while deployed, why I was going to the gym, etc" and that is when it clicked. She had talked 15 minutes all about herself and my "wrongs".
I calmly told her that it seemed she was projecting insecurities and there was some guilt behind it, and asked if she had anything she wanted to tell me. She paused and was caught off guard because she was used to me DEERing and defending my BP self. She said she didn't but one knew she does.
I told her that I am focused on my daughter right now and the outcome of her actions will have. She wanted to talk about the trial separation "plan" which I told her that we would deal with it when I got home because I'm focused on the mission. I also told her we would stay to our martial vows, but if that changed be up front and not waste my time. Again she was taken back by it.
During this I was very calm and collected and ensured minimal DEERing and emotion. As I talked to her internally I was questioning why would I even want to "date" her, but I didn't let that bleed through. I could hear her hamster spinning because effectively I wasn't clamoring to have her take me back etc. I was recalling the priceless advice within the RP texts.
After I talked to her, I called 3 lawyers to ensure I get my plan together. One of them who has been doing divorce for 20+ years told me my story is no different but he did mention how positive I was.
He usually gets BPs sobbing on the phone and I was laughing because I was amused with myself and how I was handling this. Since I'm military he is going to help me out as he knows what it is like as he is a Vet. He told me to stay the course and be cordial because it can get ugly fast. I told him to generate a 50/50 split of custody with every other week, she keeps what is hers and I keep the debt and my assets. He said that it was a good deal and meditation can work if it is at this point.
The dude was RP as he agreed that the "trial separation" is just "Let her blame him for not working out". He also mentioned the possibility of a Chad and how many times he has seen it where the wife wants to divorce due to Chad and the husband gets the newer model. Wife tries to change the agreement after the fact because of it lol.
With that said; I am remaining the course. I am working out and hitting PRs each week. I am stowing cash, looking at places to live, and I am actually excited about the prospect. I have reached out to multiple social groups that I want to be a part of and working the problem. I am also reading Superior Man right now and I have to say it is a solid read and rings true. Personal reflection is a bitch sometimes but I have to say that you cannot change until you become aware.
Overall, I am satisfied where I stand as I am feeling I am in control of my agency, and I appreciate the advice and reach out that MRP has provided. I'm looking forward to my return.