How to best deal with shit tests from wife when she gives you impossible or hard to measure tasks? Examples inside.

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June 18, 2018

Today she got very passionate about how our 12 year old son "could go full scholarship" or even professional at basketball. We live in a rural community, mountainous community where regardless of the effort (or money) involved, this is quite unlikely. And even if it did/could happen, goals like this are very hard to measure over even the medium term.

For some context - he does do Parks and Rec basketball, and does other things (pretty much at my sole effort) - like hiking, skiing, I coach all P&R sports and take him to archery.

But she wouldn't relent about how I need to drive and have someone else coaching him at basketball and if I'm not willing to then somehow I'm lazy or can't dream big enough.

How best to deal with shit tests like this - ie goals that are difficult to impossible to achieve or at the very least hard to measure over a period of a few years.

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Title How to best deal with shit tests from wife when she gives you impossible or hard to measure tasks? Examples inside.
Author ___8____
Upvotes 9
Comments 23
Date 18 June 2018 01:08 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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shit test

[–]WesternhagenWinner10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

You could take the logical approach and say, "There are over 550,000 high school basketball players, and less than 1% of them get a scholarship at NCAA I Schools, so don't get your hopes up."

Or you could just laugh and say, "Get back to me when our son is a 6 foot 9 black kid."

I'm paying for my 11yo son to have private coaching in lacrosse and to play on a travel team because he loves the game and playing a team sport is a valuable experience. He's pretty good, but it is too soon to tell if he is college scholarship material. I've got the lead on our kid's sports activities, and I don't expect or need any "credit" from wife for doing so.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great response.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Get back to me when our son is a 6 foot 9 black kid."

So good

[–]OwningMOS5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

I can't help you. My wife does not "give me tasks." Either it's important and I'm already handling it or it's not important and I can laugh at her. It's called frame and you are in hers.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

The flaw is in the title, 'given a task'. Nuf said.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Why are you dismissing your wife so quickly? Is your son passionate about basketball? Put your bias aside. Whether her dream about scholarships and shit are possible or not; that’s just her being emotional about it. Ask your kid what he wants and let him decide.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

If this kid is not passionate about playing ball and they push this shit on him, great way to fuck his head up.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was going to say this. The FO is excited about something and has a dream. Why would you be a wet blanket and put out that fire?

Obviously if the kid loves BBall and is good at it encourage him! If he doesn't, then dad and son need to talk to mom and have her cool her jets.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Kids notwithstanding, sounds like you have no goals in life so she is making them up.

[–]dandar46004 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are in her frame. What she's talking about is nonsense. 90% of basketball is size and talent. If he had the chops for it you would already know it.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shut tests are a test of your frame and a test for the pussy.

Its not a placeholder for her lofty goals

As for how you answer this, have a plan for the kids, get her input, and shut down shit that doesn't fit your vision.

Thats not passing a shit test, that's having your life in order

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree and tell her to handle it. - “We need a new deck for the pool!”
“Ok, after you tear the old one down let me know how much lumber and what type you need so I can call to get it delivered for you”

-“our son can be an architect if he learned XYZ” “Ok price around for tutors in the area that specialize in that, check their qualifications and let me know when you find one and why”

Sure as shit she drops it. If it’s a real thing and she’s willing to put the work in then of course I’ll help and make it happen, but I’m not going to waste my precious time on her stupid project of the week when it’s not important enough for her to do it herself.

[–]CaliEd2561 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. If your wife is a badass FO, I would take her words into consideration. But sounds unlikely, and I think Two Kids nailed a perfect response.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is not so much a shit test in the sense of a general test of your frame but it's directly aimed at your leadership. Soon it will be:

  • You don't play enough with him
  • you don't show him how to do X
  • you don't this you don't that.

The odds are astronomically low of him becoming a pro. Yet addressing this as no he won't be pro, you run the risk of no longer believing in your son. The best answer here is to tell her being a pro isn't the goal. Being able to play when he wants as an adult is. Being pro is not really his choice.

Someone already posted the statistics on this in the comments. But not only that there are plenty of unskilled players that play pro. Baseball is a great example. I love watching the local ball players. Farm teams, semi pro teams. A ton of skill there and much better games but these guys are rarely called up. Why? don't know.

A lot of factors. Yet there are plenty of pros that get to the game play 2 seasons and then don't go on. Skill is not the only thing here. His attitude and how he enjoys the game are.

Tell her that is the goal that he can on a community team, or corporate team. Play pick up when he wants and make a good show of it. To enjoy the game. My personal opinion on why games like soccer are so popular are NOT because of ease of access or the barrier to play is low but because enjoying the game is encouraged. Baseball football basketball there is an over emphasis on being pro at a young age.

It ain't happening.

Developing a joy of the game, the basic skills, is the goal here. It will be his decision later in life to tryout for the pros. You should make the point of not developing another high school athlete that sits on his ass at 25 swilling beer watching a game when he can be out with men playing a game.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she’s being a biotch about it to you and really shit testing you, just AA it like the others said. Ignore that shit and make fun of her.

On other hand, she’s dreaming of lofty goals because she gets a hit off the feelz from it... so let her. Don’t decline her of the Feelz. Perhaps you aren’t providing enough Feelz in other aspects with her, so find a way to generate them.

If you don’t artificially create the Feelz - “manufactured drama”, where you can control it- she’ll find a way to get them herself- might be what you’re experiencing here in the form of her acting out.

Feed the hamster.

[–]Steve_rebooting0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I laugh at how many people think a tall guy is automatically good at basketball.

I'm 6'4 and get asked all the time why I didn't go for basketball... I laugh and tell them that I would be the shortest guy on the court

[–]suprathepeg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Before any parent should be “pushing” their kids to go pro at any sport they need to display 3 qualities:

  1. Superior talent
  2. Passion for the sport
  3. Drive to capitalize on 1 & 2.

1&2 are not in your control. 3 is something you can influence.

Respond to her accordingly.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

if she's just mouthing off to you, just laugh at her

if she's putting this on your son; you need to shut her down with extreme prejudice

unless it's obvious he the best ball player in your area and just crushes everyone; he's more likely to land on the moon than "go full scholarship" to any college anyone ever heard of

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ask her what her qualifications as a sporting scout are.

Extends into other areas. "What are your qualifications as..." works wonders.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lots of good comments here. My two cents is that you have to shut this down for the reason that she will "remember" 15 years from now that her son isn'tin the NBA because you are lazy.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He’s 12 and he’s in Rec sports (the lowest denominator of the realm of organized sports). For those of you that don’t remember, this means 5th or 6th grade. At this age he should care about enjoying the sport, not what the scouts will think in High School. It’s acceptable to tell your wife to chill the fuck out and see how he develops. Hint:

I’ve been coaching soccer, baseball, & wrestling for my two kids over the last 6yrs. At this age they need to learn and master the fundamentals and very few of them can do that. There are some extremely talented kids out there but that’s more from an older sibling in that sport, a heavily involved Dad, or just heir unnatural thirst for the sport. I’ve seen 12/13yr old kids on my baseball team this year that had a batting coach and went weekly and these are the same kids that aren’t getting hits in games. If your son is talented, he’ll be outside playing ball on his fee time. He’ll always be talking about the sport, etc. otherwise, just let the little guy enjoy himself. Last story, I was tired of Rex league soccer last year and wanted to love up to the competitive division. Asked my 11yr old son, that is quite talented at soccer, if he’d rather play on a team that doesn’t win many games and has more unskilled players or whether he’d rather move to a league wheee there are tryouts and more of the players are at or above his skill level and they win more games. He didn’t need to think about it and answered that he likes having fun with the red league and has friends in the competitive league that say they aren’t having fun.

[–]johneyapocalypse-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

How best to deal with shit tests like this


ie goals that are difficult to impossible to achieve

Give up.

or at the very least hard to measure over a period of a few years.

Measure progress towards goals? Impossible. Everyone knows that.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

that's not a shit test. you just have no faith in your kid

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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