I've been thinking about this a lot while driving and at the gym. I'm starting to feel that a big problem with my relationship lately has been uncommunicated desire.
It started after our first baby. Her chemistry pushed her to focus primarily on our new child and my desires were put on the back burner. I stomached this and gave her space and tried to support her as best as I could. But I was a new dad and a shitty one and our first son was a really hard baby. My weaknesses, which I didn't even know I had, came sharply to the surface.
In spite of my weaknesses and how hard our lives had become with the new baby, I still needed to be loved and touched and desired. I reached out and tried to initiate touch and intimacy but from a position of weakness. She recoiled from my touch which was super hurtful and something I didn't understand at all. How could the woman who I committed to fully and worked day in and day out to support reject me? I was communicating my desire from a position of weakness, both verbally and nonverbally. This led into a downward spiral. My expression for desire transformed into something she saw as unattractive, disgusting, and repulsive. This negative cycle eventually has led me to no longer talk to my wife about intimacy and what I want. I stopped being playful and whipping my dick out and initiating. I started to tip toe around intimacy to avoid being rejected. What actually made matters worse is I wasn't always rejected. This made me incredibly confused about which behaviors would be rewarded with intimacy and which ones wouldn't. All along I never considered hormones, cycles, and ovulation being a potential driving factor for her behavior.
So, I started watching porn much more and jacking off like crazy to try to fill the hole of desire. Of course in hindsight and after the Red Pill, I should have lifted instead. But I didn't have a reliable roadmap to try to regenerate the desire we had for years before our first kid. Fuck me in the goat ass.
I think communicating from weakness is essentially what it means to be butthurt. So the opposite of butthurt must be to communicate from a position of strength. I think we do this via acta non verba via the 12 levels of dread. Maybe the key to communicating from a position of strength is being willing to bet the farm and lose it all because you know you can replace it all and they know it too. I feel like there is an emphasis on acta non verba but I still feel like we are missing spoken words - I can't just lift and dread and hope my wife touches me the way I want to be touched, right? I feel like I need to lead her and tell her exactly what I need and want. Is this correct? If so, when is the right time for this?