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Communicating from strength, acta non verba, and seeking the opposite of butthurt

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pursuing_the_ideal
June 15, 2018
12 upvotes
askMRP

I've been thinking about this a lot while driving and at the gym. I'm starting to feel that a big problem with my relationship lately has been uncommunicated desire.

It started after our first baby. Her chemistry pushed her to focus primarily on our new child and my desires were put on the back burner. I stomached this and gave her space and tried to support her as best as I could. But I was a new dad and a shitty one and our first son was a really hard baby. My weaknesses, which I didn't even know I had, came sharply to the surface.

In spite of my weaknesses and how hard our lives had become with the new baby, I still needed to be loved and touched and desired. I reached out and tried to initiate touch and intimacy but from a position of weakness. She recoiled from my touch which was super hurtful and something I didn't understand at all. How could the woman who I committed to fully and worked day in and day out to support reject me? I was communicating my desire from a position of weakness, both verbally and nonverbally. This led into a downward spiral. My expression for desire transformed into something she saw as unattractive, disgusting, and repulsive. This negative cycle eventually has led me to no longer talk to my wife about intimacy and what I want. I stopped being playful and whipping my dick out and initiating. I started to tip toe around intimacy to avoid being rejected. What actually made matters worse is I wasn't always rejected. This made me incredibly confused about which behaviors would be rewarded with intimacy and which ones wouldn't. All along I never considered hormones, cycles, and ovulation being a potential driving factor for her behavior.

So, I started watching porn much more and jacking off like crazy to try to fill the hole of desire. Of course in hindsight and after the Red Pill, I should have lifted instead. But I didn't have a reliable roadmap to try to regenerate the desire we had for years before our first kid. Fuck me in the goat ass.

I think communicating from weakness is essentially what it means to be butthurt. So the opposite of butthurt must be to communicate from a position of strength. I think we do this via acta non verba via the 12 levels of dread. Maybe the key to communicating from a position of strength is being willing to bet the farm and lose it all because you know you can replace it all and they know it too. I feel like there is an emphasis on acta non verba but I still feel like we are missing spoken words - I can't just lift and dread and hope my wife touches me the way I want to be touched, right? I feel like I need to lead her and tell her exactly what I need and want. Is this correct? If so, when is the right time for this?


Post Information
Title Communicating from strength, acta non verba, and seeking the opposite of butthurt
Author pursuing_the_ideal
Upvotes 12
Comments 35
Date 15 June 2018 04:39 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204339
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8rcd31/communicating_from_strength_acta_non_verba_and/
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Comments

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

Couple weeks ago this little blond 20 something is trying her damnedest to swallow my dick. So she's struggling and while not the best performance the effort was worthy of applause. She tried so fucking hard to swallow me whole that the head of my cock hurt for the next 3 days. It hurt enough that I actually went to get an STD test, true story. All in all I was just a little bruised from her exertion.

So you tell me what communication is going to get the wife to perform with such enthusiasm? How does one communicate this level of desire...

COMMUNICATION = NEGOTIATION, YOU CAN NOT NEGOTIATE DESIRE.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That was awesome.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great message! Even with a sperg proof story.

[–]Reach180Red Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

uncommunicated desire

Womens' dominant mode of communication is not with words.

It's a Blue Pill, beta mindset that there's a combination of words that will 'convince' a woman of anything.

"Demonstrate, don't explicate"

Back to the sidebar for you. Have you even read Rational Male yet? This shit's been figured out already.

[–]wild_deer_man6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think there is a nuance here. You can be alpha af but without actually gaming your woman it will lead nowhere. Some people believe that direct game is losing. I know for fact it is not true, it depends on how you do it. "Showing your cards" is not a weakness and being ambiguous is far from being the only attractive quality.

I have no problem telling a woman she is gorgeous and amzingly attractive because I do it without looking to get a response but to express my true desire. I am a verbal and straightforward person and this works best for me. I also know I have no problem walking away if the feeling is not mutual. There is no shortage of beautiful and interesting women.

Many autists here believe that a man should not have or show emotions because it makes us weak. I think the only thing making us weak is being unable to deal with emotions and making bad choices because of them.

Downvote away, spergs.

EDIT: Many women stop feeling sexual after giving birth. Reminding her verbally and with an outcome-independent frame that you still see her as an attractive sexual woman might do wonders. Don't think you have much to lose trying.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I started to tip toe around intimacy to avoid being rejected. What actually made matters worse is I wasn't always rejected. This made me incredibly confused about which behaviors would be rewarded with intimacy and which ones wouldn't.

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/8b3ck0/the_lion_and_the_lion_tamer/

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

“I’m starting to feel that a big problem with my relationship lately has been uncommunicated desire.” No. The big problem in your relationship is you are undesirable. There is no dread. There is no competition anxiety. She will up her desire for you when you...up yours.

“In spite of my weaknesses and how hard our lives had become with the new baby, I still needed to be loved and touched and desired.” Give me a fucking break. I had two sets of twins, 41 months apart. Don’t you fucking whine about how hard ONE baby is. Fuck. Sounds like your wife has two babies now. And one of them is trying to fuck her. Do you think she wants to fuck the oldest BOY in the house? No. She wants to fuck a REAL MAN. Shut the fuck up. Quit whining. Man the fuck up. Go to Amazon books or audible and start filling your mind with stoicism. Shit’s worked for thousands of years. Try it.

“This negative cycle eventually has led me to no longer talk to my wife about intimacy and what I want.”
Good. GREAT!! Women talk, men DO. You just haven’t been doing it long enough, you impatient little bitch.

“So I started watching porn much more and jacking off like crazy...” Yeah...you need to be pegged...with a fire extinguisher. I guess if you found a gun you’d become a bank robber? Or maybe if you found an 8-ball of crank you’d become a drug addict? You are a weak-minded (wanna-be) mother fucker. If only there was a place around here where you could develop your MIND...if only...

Hey, I have a novel idea for you...why don’t you...

SWALLOW THE FUCKING RED PILL!!!!

“I can’t just lift and dread and hope my wife touches me the way I want to be touched, right?” Well, YES, dumbass, that’s EXACTLY how it WORKS; not what you HOPE for. In the vernacular, that would be PURSUING THE IDEAL. (sorry, I couldn’t resist)

“How can I communicate from strength?” Well, um, maybe by fucking having some? You’d be AMAZED at what <15% BF and being in the 1000lb club communicates. And the only one opening their mouth will be your wife as she deepthroats your cock and gargles your cum, because she knows if she doesn’t, someone else will.

Now.

Stop posting. Stop whining. Stop being an impatient little bitch. Your son has balls. You need to grow a pair with hair.

So shut the fuck up already, and...

GET BACK TO FUCKING WORK.

[–]kendallb1835 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Atleast your not married to a single mother who puts that time and attention into her kid with someone else. Your woman is focused on taking care of your offsprings immediate emotional and physical needs. Your job is to provide the environment that she can do that. Your the captain.

My wife denied having sex with me once. I still was horny so I said ok no problem, got out some porn and started jerking off. She flipped out. I'm not allowed to look at porn she says. I tell her, look, if you want me to only eat at your restaurant and no where else, then you better be open when I'm hungry, I'm not going to sit around and be fucking hungry all the time. Same applies here. I'm not going to deal with being fucking horny. You can choose not to have sex, that's ok it's your body, but your not going to tell me how to handle me being horny because that's my body. She kept flipping shit and I ignored it. Never have to worry about not having sex since.

Communicating from a position of strength is saying you will get your needs met with or without her. If she wants to be the one to meet your needs, because shes jealous, or what ever fucking reason, then she ought to pony up. Because you will have your needs met and you'll do it how you please.

Theres a couple of things you can do, first focus on your kid not your wife. Your leading a family now not just a woman. Tell her your going for some dad time. Take your kid to go do some cool stuff. Were going to the zoo, were going to xyz. I'm sure she will start to realize you can take away this new object of her focus and even start wanting to be a part of it. Your leading her to new memories with the family.

You can call her on her shit in a pressure flip. She pulls away from you, just mention wow babe, you must be really sick or something you never act like this. You sure you dont need to go to the doctor?

Really the key thing would be to realize she doesnt need your attention anymore at this point. She has the attention of her kid. The kid is her new source of love. However, the kid cant fuck her. You can get her horny by not being a butthurt guy who needs her affection. You are upset because she quit being your mom, and is now being a mom to your kid. See her as your wife. Do me a favor, any behaviors you see her doing with her kid... if you notice you wish she would do that to you too, realize your asking her to be your mom in that way. The way she pays careful attention to the babys needs, the way she cares deeply if the babys upset... those are mother behaviors. Not wife behaviors. A wifes behaviors are to meet your sexual needs. Stop trying to get her to be your mother, she will stop being turned off. Then start working on trying to turn her on. Game her, dont look for an outcome. More than ever you'll see the outcome you want way less because she is testing you now more than ever.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red4 points5 points  (13 children) | Copy

Get a side bitch or two. I have them and they are awesome.

Or dont, and watch porn.

Or dont and live with a dead bedroom and a full ball sack.

If other women will fuck you, but your wife will not then that speaks volumes about both of you.

Could you fuck another woman today? Tomorrow? This weekend? Next week?

If you have to lie to yourself, you have no business bitching to us about her.

If you can, then make a choice. You or her?

[–]CaliEd2560 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This. I have a side girl, absolutely keeps the shit tests to a minimum. I get more comfort tests, but those are easier to pass.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

Do your side women know you are married? Do you share enough where they could potentially contact your wife, go to your job, etc?

Does your wife know or is it secret?

Just genuinely curious, particularly if you are "cheating" instead of just telling her you have side women.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Side chicks only blow up your shit cause beta bitches dangle relationship values and lie about pretty much everything. They do this cause they have a shit SMV and need other bullshit to bridge the gap. The result is she ends up feeling deceived.

This is the main difference between alpha and beta cheating.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah, I just feel like if I were to have other women on the side it would be easier to just tell my wife up front.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Depends on the situation. If it has nothing to do with her then why tell her?

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It just seems easier than trying to be sneaky. To me that feels like operating in someone else's frame.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is the answer. They all know all they get is really good sex. I don’t text or flirt or anything.

“Meet me here and make sure you are in a skirt.”

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Have you not read my two girls one party post?

Yes they know I am married. Yes they know my wife. They know our kids. Go to the same school. They are married. They just like to fuck so they STFU about it.

They are also mormons.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Does your wife know though?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

No. Been fucking Shelly for almost three years. Bitches lips are tight.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Lol, tight lips are the best :)

Do you have any concerns about a change of heart one day? Maybe you stop seeing her and she can't handle it?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Nah. I stopped with her once before and we picked it back up.

She has a nice beta bux husband that takes care of her. She doesnt want to fuck that up.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds about right...

[–]FoxShitNasty832 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

A lot of this resonates with me right now, I'm toying with dread level 9 - Speaking plainly

I will sit back with interest on this one.

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

3rd para was excellent description of post baby betaization.That's exactly how it happened to me.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

willing to bet the farm and loose it all...

"you mean I can dodge bullets?"

Morpheus, "you won't have to"

Someday when you internalize all this you'll realize the fallacy of this.

Instead of being a gambler, be an investor. Redpill men realize there's no such thing as losing it all. Just choices made when faced with information. Go out and embrace abundance and see the world of information around you.

"I hedged my risks and got the life I wanted"

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'll break with the common line around here.

Everything you do is communication.

If you reach out tentatively, you are communicating fear. If you grab her, toss her on the bed and fuck her forcefully, you are communicating confidence and strength. If you talk to her to tell her that you need sex, you are communicating weakness.

You can't fail to communicate something.

I can't just lift and dread and hope my wife touches me the way I want to be touched, right? I feel like I need to lead her and tell her exactly what I need and want. Is this correct? If so, when is the right time for this? How can I communicate from strength?

All this communicates that you are afraid of your wife. That you give too many fucks.

Why are you tiptoeing around? Yeah, there's a baby. So what? You are the only one who gives a rat's ass about your desires. If you wait for others, you will wait forever. Are you afraid of being insensitive about the baby's needs? My general philosophy on this is that if dad is happy, everyone benefits. Think of the warning on every plane ride about "Put your mask on first, then help the person next to you."

What's your deal? What's stopping you?

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can't just lift and dread and hope my wife touches me the way I want to be touched

Why, not? Obviously what you have done in the past didn't work, so try this. What the worst that can happen, she still doesn't fuck you?

You need more OI and abundance. That word HOPE is killing your mission. the stay plan is the go plan. Game your wife, without the mindset of this will lead to sex.

feel like I need to lead her and tell her exactly what I need and want. Is this correct?

NO, this is incongruent, you cannot lead and tell. Leading is telling, without words. Encourage her when doesn't deny you and level 4 for continued denials.

Last question(s), When do you initiate? are you telegraphing your intentions? are you building tension?

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm starting to feel that a big problem with my relationship lately has been uncommunicated desire.

2 months ago you said you were at 30% bf. Lift and get lean - do your talking out of your abs.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your strength rests entirely on your ability to walk away. If you don't have that ability, you will always be weak, no matter how tough you can talk.

Improve yourself, invite her to be a part of the newer better you, and if she refuses you exercise the only power you have in the relationship and walk away. Don't over think it my dude.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yep. “Cat string theory” to get her to chase you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"This made me incredibly confused about which behaviors would be rewarded with intimacy and which ones wouldn't."

As soon as you start to view sex/intimacy as a reward, you're lost. You may as well learn to roll over and play dead so she'll give you a Scooby snack.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“How can I communicate from strength?”

Become the Prize.

This is the answer to everything. Your are too needy.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

“I feel like I need to lead her and tell her exactly what I need and want. ”

Because you’re a blue pill faggot. Be the Prize and you will achieve your position of strength. Right now she is the Prize.

It’s over dude, y’all have a baby. Like mr. red-sfpplus said, Get a side piece -or two- or take the next 4-5 years to lift and up your SMV until your wife comes back around. She doesn’t give two fucks about what you “want” right now. She played you for the sperm donation.

Welcome to the fucking club dick. You’re not special.

Get to work.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

“I feel like I need to lead her and tell her exactly what I need and want. ”

Its a bit off MRP script but you are allowed the odd clear statement of your needs, which is effectively laying the crumbs for the hamsters path out of the maze.

You can't drag hamster through maze, nor can you lay pile after pile of crumbs.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, It depends on where OP is starting from. I’m assuming he’s a novice. He can’t state any wants as a faggot.



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