The Hamster is about to run...

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June 4, 2018

As you might know I am deployed and my wife and I schedule Skype so I can mainly connect with my kid once a week. This is something that I have been adamant about many times when it was skipped over in the past.

We usually do it Sunday afternoons when I am available and before/after the kid goes down for a nap.

Yesterday I reached out and she said the kid was down. I told her that before she gets the kid up to call me up as I wanted us to talk so I could have my wife's undivided attention. She didn't respond to it but I assumed she was running doing chores while the kid is down.

A couple hours pass and it gets a little late, so I let my wife know that I'll stay up until the girl gets up.

There was a delay in the response and then it comes back that they were out running errands. This irked me off, but I reacted in a way that some of you guys recommended on here.

Instead of just acknowledging it and saying "Ok" and being butt hurt I responded with "Ok, the window that I have to connect with my daughter is small window, regardless it is important to me. Kiss her and tell her I love her".

Wife responds back with a blatant lie that she called but I didn't pick up, which I respond with "Ok, nothing on my end, thank you" and ended the convo.

An hour later the wife responds with "I assumed that you had gone to bed and didn't want to wake you" another lie. I wanted to respond with "A follow up text would have worked" I haven't respond and won't respond to it.

Old me would have been "WTF? Why didn't you call" "Why aren't you returning my texts" etc etc.

Now its more disappointed I wasn't able to talk to my daughter, and now that my wife is lying about petty shit is sort of amusing.

One thing that deployed people have to deal with is the feeling of being an afterthought and forgotten. It's a bitch that creeps into your mind and if you are an afterthought where is their forethought? Damn one's hamster does run wild sometimes but if know its going to run you can trap it.

With all that said, I have to say I am slightly amused due to my readings. I feel that I fogged her lie, and the fact that she tried to shift guilt to me with the last text was something I chuckled at.

I'm going to minimize initiating with the wife this week as I am going to not be distracted by these shenanigans. If she reaches out I'll do the 2/3 rule per POON and work from there.

Did I handle the situation better than before, or what should I evolve?

Post Information
Title The Hamster is about to run...
Author broneilbro
Upvotes 11
Comments 23
Date 04 June 2018 07:06 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]simbarlionRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

I happened to jump on here just as you posted, but it sounds like you did a solid job with the communication. And remember, you don't have to be deployed to feel like an afterthought and forgotten. Mine has lied about making phone calls and other shit too.

The medium is the message.

Remember that.

What is the medium telling you now?

[–]broneilbro[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Gotcha. Her actions tell more than the words. The fact that I was able to ID and amuse myself means that I am progressing. The fact that I also called it out unlike before is again another step in the right direction.

I do find it funny that I saw her actions coming based on the RP readings. I am sprinkling Stoic readings onboard and it is showing to have a good supplementary to the RP foundations.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I was reading along waiting for some cringey DEER, or ultimatum or some other bullshit but you handled it well, especially after her last deflection. Bullshit like that doesn't even deserve a response. Just chuckle and do something worth your time. No complaints, no negotiating, just expressing your expectations and a sense of disappointment when they weren't met. Nicely done. Looks like I'll have to get my cringe fix somewhere else today.

My only advice would be to play the nice card again today. You don't need to be up her ass, but if she calls you, don't ignore or act butthurt. Don't go out of your way to call her or get her call, but don't purposefully ignore or avoid her.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Reset every day. Even when deployed and long distance.

[–]broneilbro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Copy. That is what I was expecting. I did notice that I was the one initiating the conversation most of the time, and with this I will do a reset per the knowledge.

The reaching out will not be on my end. She might take it as putting her in time out but I have better things to do with my time. Lift, Learn, Live.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Its a reality check to draw up the conclusion of being an after thought, while not only deployed, but this is reality, and the understanding of the old me’s behavior/reaction vs the present, is certainly a step in the right direction.

The only person you can absolutely control is you. I am hoping you can tell me you control your paycheck, and if not you have the ability to while deployed

Concentrate on you, even with the distance, the changes will be noticed. And, if they aren't, you will avoid giving a fuck, right ?

In time, you will not give a fuck about the hamster running, that’s her problem.

BTW, did the old beta you create all this low value view of her sperm donor ?

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You are correct. She is an Alpha widow as I had a tendency of putting others before myself which did not help with things as that created a bunch of covert contracts that were never delivered on. The BP took over because I had the "disney" view of happy wife happy life bullshit.

I do control the paycheck and I feed a joint account so she can handle the household bills. I control the major bills but she does the day to day.

I am noticing that I am starting to give less fucks but with so much on my plate it is definitely noticeable.

Question is: IDGAF or Reset?

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Never give a fuck unless comfort is sought

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

It sounds like you are still afraid to engage and set that boundary. Your intention is clear but your boundary is nebulous. This is important right? Missing talking to your daughter is a thing that just doesn't jive in any reality you can think of right? Then tell her:

"I understand there are things you need to do and errands that need to be run, but while I'm away I expect to be able to talk to my daughter during the short time I'm able to do it every day (?). I need you to work your errands and nap time around that time. Do you understand?"

Do not start deering about why you're setting the boundary. Dont forget that last line of her verbal compliance or else her hamster is going to invent excuses like "we'll I thought.". This is the boundary. You can't control her decisions, meaning you can't stop her from breaking it. But you can clearly set it.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

guy has no stick. rough spot.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy

no stick.

That's why military marriages are such a cliche. He could stop contributing to the joint account, but that only hurts his daughter. Military wives don't know the first thing about morale, because the "suffering" at home is more immediate.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder." is some the dumbest shit ever written. Distance is distance.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

"No stick, so what do?"

Life lesson, sometimes you can't do anything. He wants so much to get back home and make MRP work, I predict 30 days after he's home some askMRP posts about why things aren't working the way he envisioned.

Which is the long term he'll wonder why shit doesnt work with the magic formula, decide to live his life on his terms anyway because that's what he can control, and then realize that's what women will follow....oh shit quiet, OP is listening.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

He has a ton of shit to own prior and subsequent to him getting back.

The last thing he should be focused on at this point is his wife. Career, real estate, daughter, fitness (physical and mental) all need to be in final stages of resolution and/or ownership before having any chance at domestic bliss.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Maybe true but whatever is on the mind takes the lions share of the mental attention.

I am concerned there is a massive covert contract based on his many improvements whilst deployed.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I am concerned there is a massive covert contract based on his many improvements whilst deployed.

There could be a contract and I'm aware of it. Is this a "I'm going to look so good she jump my bones?" or "This is a great opportunity for me and me lone".

I will have so much on my mind and the action I'll have to take I'll literally be busy for the first 30 days, but your concern is very valid.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Its "I'm a completely new person and she will respond accordingly".

Your posts suggest you care a lot more than her. Imho you must adopt the stay plan / go plan mentality for the stay plan to work . My wife travels a lot for work and I would be all excited to catch up when she got back (my contract), she would just go to bed. The lack of interest to hang out for even 15 minutes was crushing. I've learnt not to care.

You have to not care about her response to you when back.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Shadow boxing is different from sparring.

You only know how prepared you are when punched in the face.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth." Mike Tyson

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

The "suffering" is because women think of themselves before they think of others. So the fact that I've been away about a year and don't get to see my daughter is pretty much mute to her.

We did have a conversation about it, in which I said I am looking forward to getting home, which my wife followed with "yeah and you can help with the kid..." I stopped talking and gave her the "Really?" look. It clicked in her brain and then she realize how bad it sound.

I'll provide this, its not easy being a "single" mom effectively for a year because you literally have no time to yourself (6 hours of babysitter) so the inability to deflate can wear on you. It is the same if I was a drunk captain and she was doing all the work but I was in the house.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It's solipsism. It's part of the firmware.

That's why opportunistic love and an egocentric point of view is an accepted AWALT reality. Women are awesome, but they have a different perspective regarding loyalty and duty. They are not viewed as default positive traits, even though they sure are attracted to the violence and uniform.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's solipsism. It's part of the firmware.

This right there. I guess the biggest things I have learned was solipsism, "she loves what you are vice who are" , and lastly "it's her turn". Once one becomes aware of this it will start opening up their own perspectives to the true world.

[–]tmh88mrp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great thread. Since everyone says you handled it well, I’m learning from your experience. Thanks for sharing.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are absolutely correct. I have checked the stay and go plan and looking at it is slightly perplexing in the sense I had to kill the indifference I reached. It was recent when I was like "what benefits are there at being married and then my kid came into the picture"

I'm I absolutely miserable? No, but Ive realized that I am the one that choose my misery.

I am steadily building my mental citadel in order to strengthen my frame but st the same time chooses what comes and goes.

The most important thing as I have reflected on being a leader is that I need to be a man first, father second, and husband third.

It is an obstacle to overcome our previous selves in order to become something better. With that comes guilt and regret of our past actions but at the same time they are the greatest lessons when you are unfucking yourself.

I'm going to focus on the next weeks with renewed vigor and when get back I'll be at a reset because I have to restart a relationship that's been on pause for a year.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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