Ice Cream...everyone loves it

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May 4, 2018

Y'all know I run a pretty tight ship, but sometimes I get a WTF moment, so here you go on this rainy Friday...

I am the fitness one in our family, by far. While I do not cook much my wife sticks to a pretty decent menu for us. Kids 9 and 8 eat pretty clean and make decent choices, and that is fine. All I want is guard rails at this point in their lives.

She makes breakfast and lunch for all of us 5 days a week, and at least 4 of those nights are home cooked meals. So, let’s say out of a possible 21 meals a week we cook 15 at home or right at 71% of our meals are clean. Weekend lunch and dinner is normally a free for all.

Pretty good so far….

Kids have been churning thru money at school for lunch, so I investigate and find they are buying Ice Cream at $2.00 a day, 5 days a week. OK, no big deal – course correction. Let’s do that one day a week kids, pick a day – I don’t care.

Here is where the problem starts. I bust the wife sneaking milk shakes, ice cream and other junk items to the kids when she goes up there for lunch with them. So, the one day a week thing is moving back up.

OK, no big deal, give the wife a course correction and explain to her the guard rails one more time. This was a few months ago.

Last night, the wife leaves town to attend a funeral so I am I have the kids with me for 4 days. Party time!!!

I am asking them what they want for lunch today, and I ask them what snack they want me to bring up, since Friday is the snack day.

During this discussion with the kids, it is uncovered that mom had already taken them their Ice Cream for the week (fine so far) but she told them to LIE to me about it if I asked. Neither of them can lie to a professional liar (I am in sales after all.)

So now, this is not about Ice Cream in my eyes. That is one thing. I have issues with her telling the kids to lie to me, over something that is really rather trivial.

So now, when she gets home I get to address this issue with her, and it is no longer about the ice cream, it is about poor advice and direction she is giving our kids. One parent telling their kids to lie to another, is not a game this family is going to play.

My suspicion in all this, is that she knew she was leaving town, and she did not want to miss her “Ice Cream” day with the kids. Rather than just simply saying that, she believes resorting to deception is a higher probability of success than getting a waiver for the week.

Why, I have no clue….

Post Information
Title Ice Cream...everyone loves it
Author red-sfpplus
Upvotes 10
Comments 39
Date 04 May 2018 05:55 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

AWALT. My girl lied to me over stupid shit before too, like she spent $200 on clothes instead of $100. It's her money and I wouldn't have given a shit but she would have felt bad if she had to admit to spending that much. Women will always lie if the truth will make them look even a little bad because they are horrified of being socially cast out by the group.

I sat her down after that and played the "us vs the world" card. "I thought it was me and you vs everyone but if I can't trust you then I guess it's just me vs the world."

She flipped the fuck out and (to the best of my knowledge) is more truthful than before. It also helps that I don't really get mad because I already view her as a slightly more responsible child, just know what you're dealing with.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There's two modes my wife wants to default to. First officer, or oldest teenager. My job is to give her the framework for the former so she doesn't revert to the latter. As hard as I work at it, she still wants to revert to oldest teenager on occasion.

She did it a few months ago. We moved and money was flowing out to cover expenses associated with it. She went off shopping and when she got back I asked simply how much she spent. Instead of first officer mode, she went teenager. She got defensive and blurted out "this is why I don't like doing the shopping! If you're going to hound me like this do it yourself."

I let her cool her jets for a day and then pulled her aside. "hey, I need you to put your big girl pants on. If I can't talk to you about finances, even simple ones so I can balance the check book, then we have bigger problems."

She got sullen and squeaked out "your right. I need to deal with it better."

I suspect OPs wife is just trying to be the cool mom with the kids. I let my oldest have a sip of beer every so often, or we tell dirty jokes 'when moms not around' but I wouldn't hesitate to own it if my wife saw it. He should approach his wife so she can be the first officer. "hey I know this is your thing with the kids. Just keep it in the framework of the 'guard rails' and I'll look the other way.

A good captain knows what his crew is up to, even when they think he doesn't.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I was pondering this too. Us vs the world is the best I can come up with myself.

I mean, she's otherwise on point, everyone is happy, no crap...

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Taking the us vs world thing and putting in my back pocket. In case I ever need it.

[–]hack3ge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Shit agreed I really like this way of framing things - I’ve been looking for something slightly less overt than captain / first officer perhaps I’ll lead with this.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

She needs a good spanking...

Edit: FYI this is completely serious. Since we've assumed a dominant/submissive role at our house everything is so much easier. She is happy, I'm happy, it's all aces.

Spankings (or other symbolic punishments) are actually really effective and healthy (once she is with the program). A big aspect of it is that there is a tangible climax and release to the tensions revolving around an issue (for both you and her). She acknowledges her failure, sincerely apologizes, and accepts her punishment. After whatever punishment you deem necessary is complete the matter is settled, period. It is acknowledging that humans are flawed yet we can always strive for perfection. One really important aspect is that you can't spank an apology out of her, she needs to fully accept her failures THEN receive her absolution. This is why she should thank you afterward, you have given her the gift of your love, attention, and forgiveness. It is relieving for her to now know that you won't be bringing this up in the future, making her feel bad, etc. I believe guilt and embarrassment is a huge part of these multi-day/week arguments that couples have, it's a constant battle for superiority.

In chess stalemate is when there are no moves left to make that won't result in checkmate. For new players it is a little confusing. You might have your queen, two rooks, a bishop, five pawns and a knight, and they have just their king left. You get them stuck in a corner, but if you aren't careful (and if they are cunning), you get in a position where it is there turn and there is no safe move. Game over, you tied, you both get equal points. It doesn't matter that you took every other piece, that you were "right", just the end result. This is how arguments used to go for me.

In the BP days if my wife fucked up (even open and shut cases) and I brought it up she would usually draw me into an argument and keep ratcheting up emotions until I said ANYTHING that can be construed as offensive, mean, etc., then get upset about it and then work towards a stalemate where we BOTH apologize. She probably had it planned before I even opened my mouth (or maybe it's just instinct). She is in a losing position but if she plays it just right she can eek out a tie.

Now things are so much different. It is like night and day. FYI this is pretty much the only reason I ended up at TRP/MRP. Bedroom was always fineTM (yet still much better now). It was these occasional blowups that were draining on me, and other small forms of disrespect. Generally she's always been a good girl, where most guys would have been content and happily stayed plugged in, but after finding this place it has been awesome. If MRP can make a shitty wife good, it can also make a good wife awesome.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Not needs, deserves...

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True. After a spanking my wife thanks me.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

All I want is guard rails at this point in their lives.

Fantastic. Toss that ball at the pins whatever way you want, but I'm making sure you stay in the lane.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’d call a meeting for when the kids go to bed an not tell her the topic (power captain move). Then, I’d describe her actions and just present the facts... then, the ball is in her court. See how she reacts - if she calls herself out in her actions , she’s much less likely to continue the behavior because now she owns it.

This is a better approach than just calling out her behavior imo.

I think you’re absolutely right to address it, but how you address it is just as important.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

are your kids fat and out of shape; or are they fit?

i'm going to assume their fit. why are you micromanaging your wife;s SAHM job? results matter. my son eats several whole containers of ice cream A WEEK . . . he also eats four healthy meals a day plus god knows what else. he's a growing boy and trains hard every day.

honestly, i think your pissed she stole your thunder with the kids while she is gone. ask yourself why she would do that? maybe she's just that needy or maybe she thinks you can't make it rain the way she can. only you know.

now to the bigger issue the lying. first off; this sounds like a little bit like a mountain out of a molehill. rather than her conspiring against you; it was probably just a one off don't tell dad . . . note this is kinda a thing.

now aside from the potential light heart'ed explanation; let's see where the real potential problem may lie (pun intended). on one side we have a co-dependent mother that seeks validation from spoiling her children while covertly undermining their father. she's a shitty mother in general obviously.

on the other side, we have an overbearing, controlling, and killjoy father who seeks to control the minutuae of those around him. he can't let go of his own narrative to see alternative narratives of those around him. i know this character very well because it was my wife before a combination of me lining her out and our daughter's problem slowly grinding her away fixed wife's issues.

i routinely told my kids "don't tell mom"; and i'm not proud of this fact at all. i should have sacked up; and knocked their mother out. why did i lie? because she was an insufferable killjoy sucking the life out of us; and it was the easiest thing (but not the right thing) to do.

maybe neither of these narratives is true; but you should consider the various explanation for why your wife crossed this boundary.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

This is probably one of those "I believe it was a little white lie" moments but it really wasn't.

Really, women AND men lie all the time in relationships. There's harmless lies, all the way up to painful lies. Her hamster probably thought this wasn't that big of a deal, though to you, it is. And yeah, encouraging the kids to lie to dad is not cool.

Agree with the "she needs a good spanking" comment, though if she likes that, it's not really a punishment now, is it.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

it's not really a punishment now, is it.

There's two kinds of spankings in my house, the fun kind and the kind that ends in tears and apologies. This is the latter.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Those that downvote have never run that kind of relationship. +1 because I run the same type of ship.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What's interesting is that pretty quickly it feels very natural, in a "yeah, this is the way nature intended" kind of way. She feels this way too. With BP glasses I'm sure some feminists would flip their shit, but my wife is a feminist, and so am I. Feminism isn't supposed to be the way it is pushed now by the vocal few, where it is adversarial to men, it's roots are in equality in the way that every person, regardless of sex, ethnicity, etc can have the same opportunities. What opportunities they actually pursue is up to them, not up to society to try to achieve some arbitrary ideal. My wife CHOOSES to be submissive to me and it makes her very happy.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

IOW, they're BOTH the fun kind!

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I have employees like this. They will flat out lie to me when there wouldn't be any repercussion for telling the truth. In fact, I usually thank people for owning up to a screw up, it saves me time researching what happened.

I doubt you would have had a problem with her moving up snack day, you just wouldn't do it yourself on friday...

Old habits die hard I guess. The best I can figure is they want to avoid their own embarrassment and shame.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

TBH I do not get to have lunch with them often, work and stuff.

So what annoys me, is that she could have easily moved snack day up, and I STILL would have brought them snacks Friday. So the kids would have still got two snack days this week, without them needing to feel like they need to lie to me.

Edit: Fuck, now that I have read that I could see where in her mind, I establish the "one day a week" guard rail, but it is OK if I break it cause reasons....

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

The hard boundary here is teaching the kids it's okay to deceive dad. The rest is bullshit.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Depends. I think of some rules as general guidelines, sometimes you have to just roll with the punches. My wife is more strict about things, but I prefer to realize when things just aren't going to work that day, etc.

[–]CaptJohnLukeDiscard1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Manufactured drama and feelz. I would go with amused mastery on this and address it like she is the naughty 18 year old that got caught doing something “bad” so now you are going to have to “punish” her. This probably takes the form of a bit of rough sex with some light paddling. Bring it up though after some heavy kino / getting her worked up so she goes along with it.

That keeps you in control, sets the tone, keeps it fun, and gets you laid.

If the shit continues, then you can escalate.

[–]sagaray3041 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

So, this resonated with me as I had a mother like that. It's a bigger issue and more to it than you think. You have three issues to deal with:

1) She's pitting the kids against you 2) She's affecting the kids in a negative manner 3) She's not respecting your boundaries

1) Your kids probably look up to you, respect you and want to impress you etc. She's insecure and hates it, she wants to be the one respected, loved, but she doesn't want to put the work in. So the easy option for her is to be the 'fun' one. Look kids, here's ice cream, every fucking day! just don't tell dad. I'm so cool. This also has the added benefit of her 'getting one' over you (She is the biggest teenager in the house).

2) Although it's a small and inconsequential item, kids being kids, quickly learn that they can get what they want by manipulating mum against dad. This escalates and can get out of hand pretty quickly. Soon they are avoiding you, they are learning the wrong behaviours - lack of discipline, delayed gratification etc, and basically getting feminized.

3) This is a given. And this is the one you actually caught, if she's told them to lie to you about ice cream, she's told them to lie to you about other things.

A personal aside - you're lucky you caught it on time. I was fucked as mine didn't. It started with chocolate after school - just don't tell dad okay. Pretty soon, it was pizza, burgers, video games. Young me thought it was great. Grew to resent my dad for not letting me have 'fun'. Started hiding things from him. 25 years and a lot of work on myself later do I understand the sacrifice he made and hate my mother for the way she ruined me with kindness.

[–]lololasaurus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This fellow speaks wisdom. The undermining here may not even be intentional, but it absolutely is undermining your authority.

[–]weakandsensitive3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Root cause? You're like the vegan who insists their dogs need to be vegan.

I'm personally on the side of your wife.

Why do women lie? Because weak/overbearing men will have a hissy fit pussy assed meltdown when given information they don't want to hear.

I get it - you want fit and healthy. Your kids are 8 and 9. Fark. If they're running around and not overweight, lifestyle issues are things they'll get implicitly through watching the parents. Personally, it seems like a dick parenting move to say "No kids - you can't have ice cream." It's one thing if that's all they're eating, which it doesn't seems like, it's a whole nother thing to cut it out.

So root cause? Daddy gets his panties in a bunch when kids eat fun things, so lets not tell daddy.

The $2.00 ice cream I'd take issue with because it's a shitty way to spend money.

Edit: Fuck, now that I have read that I could see where in her mind, I establish the "one day a week" guard rail, but it is OK if I break it cause reasons....

Well, clearly you get. Arbitrary rules are arbitrary. Shouldn't be pissy when you set up the scenarios for you to get lied to.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm with your wife on this one. Getting ice cream with the kids is a bonding experience. She was going away to a funeral for a couple of days and wanted to bond with the kids.

She lied about it because you don't get it. It is not about ice cream.

[–]savagestranger2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Like any of you retarded nerds spank your wives as punishment. Lol

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

lead by example not by force

you sound ridiculous

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I'm a bit of a noob, but I think your original mistake was making a "course correction" on her doing a little something special (an ice cream) when she has lunch with the kids. How often is that? Maybe we're bad parents, but between the two of us, we've had lunch at school with our son 3x this year!

As for telling the kids to lie to you... set yourself a BIG FUCKING HARD BOUNDARY ON THAT SHIT!! Even the most feelzy, illogical woman can follow why it's bad to train your children to lie to parents (She's teaching them to lie to her too). I would explain it all to her anyway and set that boundary firmly--as in this can NEVER happen again.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

She is a SAHM. She is at the school 3 days a week probably.

I am up there 2-4 times a year like normal people with jobs. Lol.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

3x a week sounds awkward to me. I'd be more concerned about that than the ice cream (not more concerned than the lies and encouraging the kids to lie). Does she get her shit done at home? Could she work part time? I'm not one to talk as I also have a SAHM that used to bring in about $60k/yr before we had twins (now 2). Can't wait to get her back to work, but for now it makes my life easy - she does all the laundry, unless I decide to grab a load or 2, cooks meals for the most part, half assed cleans (legitimately difficult with two 2y/o's), handles son's homework, groceries, etc. I could employ a maid and laundry service for much less and have lots of "extra" $.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Meh. Read my history bro. Its not awkward.

Its not about the ice cream. Its what she coached the kids on.

Lying to dad. Hard no. Will be addressed.

[–]DeplorableRay0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What an amazing problem to have.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I bust the wife sneaking milk shakes, ice cream and other junk items to the kids when she goes up there for lunch with them.

why do you think that is?

[–]mtdog0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Obviously this means she will be getting some strange at the funeral.

Classic move.

[–]hack3ge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck this had me rolling ....

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

.... over some apple Danish

[–]mtdog0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not about the ice cream, indeed.

[–]crimson_chris-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I get it. When one parent starts to improv it makes both parents as a unit look weak. Kids smell that shit like chum in the water. It's not about the icecream. It's about being a team.

Give her a good spanking when she gets home and I am sure you can come up with your own icecream innuendo for her to fulfill.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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