There have been a plethora of posts lately that are simply one off questions of how your relationship with your wife right now is shitty, asking what kind of band-aid you can put on it right now in order to "fix" it. I don't think you all realize it. You're on a journey here. It's not a patchwork, quick fix, magic wand waving fairy tale where once you do enough things suddenly your wife will like you. This isn't about the you now. This isn't about your wife. This is about getting yourself to the life you see in your mind. The one you wish for every night before falling asleep. The one you feel is just so far out of reach every morning that you instead decide to abandon any plan to change it today.
You're not unique. Funny thing is, we've seen it all before. And enough notes have been compiled to actually guide your mind through the journey and it's stages. It's on the sidebar of the main MRP page. And there's a reason you should read it. That reason is that your mind, the human mind, runs most comfortable on the pattern it already knows. So much so that it will fight alternate trains of thought and provoke a fear of exposure to that thought. Ever find yourself going to some new experience, maybe heading to a club when you haven't been to one in years? Maybe heading to meet a group of people you don't know? Ever see people vehemently fight against alternate ideas? Like when political discussions arise over a family holiday. Or when that guy on dead bedrooms is considering allowing an open marriage. Ever think "If I only knew before."?
Alternate ways of thinking are all around you. They're scary. They're scary because they break the reality you're currently living by. The rules and expectations you currently have are simply a shaky straw house built to protect yourself from life's whirling winds, from the chaotic storm of, to you, certain death that exists on the other side of their walls.
And as much as you think you're learning from someone telling you: "Hey man, if you do this and think this, you can get here.", the idiotic way your mind works, you never really GET IT get it until YOU actually learn it yourself. I could sit here all day and tell you that 2 plus 2 equals 4. But until you take two things in your own hands, and add another two things, and count four fucking things in your hands, that light bulb just will not go off in your head.
And what is it you have to change? What are the stages? There's more than one? Yes, there's several concrete stages, trains of thought, that can be summarized and broken as you read through the sidebar. I will identify some of them here, along with some ancillary books worth mentioning. But again, you will not get anything from reading about this here, other than an opening of your eyes to just how fucked up you are, and a solid recommendation to stop asking situationally based questions and start changing YOUR mind through YOUR reading and absorbing those books.
Stage 0: Blue Pill - "I care, and so should you."
Stage 0 is a self-centered world where you believe things should go your way just because you want them to. It's childish, really. If you have young kids, you may see them display this behavior. "I want this because I want it." Many posts you see from this stage include those who believe that they can look, act, and be unattractive, and still expect women to flock and drop their panties. They will believe that they are owed favors, things, etc. They will keep a score in their head, constantly adding and subtracting from it, and are so ignorant that they believe other people should (if they know what's good for them) not only accept that score, but also to want to raise their score, as determined by you, for your benefit. Then they will read:
NMMNG: And realize that their system of scoring doesn't really pertain to other people. People may be aware of the fact that you are keeping some kind of score, but ultimately do not follow your scorecard. As a reversal of this though, you need to realize that other people often keep their own score. And friendships/relationships just don't work if everyone is keeping score according to their own set of rules, but no one follows anyone's rules. Then you read:
The Rational Male: And realize that many people (though the book focuses on women) follow rules based on what society has forced upon them. Group dynamics, power dynamics, and sexual dynamics will make people act in a somewhat predictable manner, and that manner is used to get the best out of life for that person that they possibly can get. You are not special, you are merely a pawn in that path to get their possible best. Reading these books gets you to:
Stage 1: Anger, Action, Denial, Guilt, MAP - "I don't care, but you should."
So you've learned that there are people and motivations outside your currently infantile mind and the fact that the world is so selfish, so manipulative, so selective, and so unforgiving pisses you off. Here you are going to get posts where people start lashing out at their wives because they start seeing the code in action. And ones trying to use spot tactics to provoke fundamental change from a macroscopic level. Posts will have their wife pushing back against any effort to contain her with boundaries. Or some fantastical idea that their wife simply isn't fully like that based on the mere fact that she hasn't blatantly shown that behavior in the 8 years they've known them. Others will not know what to do, where to go, how to swim in this sea of "no one cares about you". So they ironically scream out "care about me, what do I do?" There's this feeling that the world, or MRP, or men, or their wives, or SOMEONE should care. Care either that they've been suffering for so long, or even care that now they are going to do something about it. "I've lost 20 years." No one cares. "I finally found you guys." No one cares. "Did I do good?" No one cares. "I've hit the gym!" No one cares. Then they read:
WISNIFG: And realized that even though the world is operating by these social, sexual, and power dynamics, that because no one cares, you have more freedom to do what you need to do to care about yourself. You can do things you want to do because it doesn't subtract from the score you keep anymore, and you don't care if it subtracts from the score they keep anymore. As a reversal, you also learn that other people have the fully acceptable, logical, completely inconsequential option to do what they want to do as well. The world that you thought was a world where everyone was intertwined with each other and their scorecards turns into a world where everyone is walking their own path. And they're allowed to do that. Then you read:
Iron John: And realize, from a story of an ignorant, rule following little boy what an ignorant, rule following little boy you were. You understand that carving your own path means you need to be taken down roads that were unfamiliar to you before, and potentially shunned because you also understand that there are many other rule followers that have not been awakened yet. Then you read:
Models, HTWFAIP, 48 Laws, Mystery Method: and realize that there are ways to interact with people, both those that are still following the rules and those who are carving their own path, that get you what you want. There are more formal tactics, but in the same breath societal interactions need to be smooth and second nature as well. They need to be so smooth, that reading them in a book will not get you to where you want to be. But only by going out and practicing them, will you achieve that mastery. Luckily enough, because you are no longer worried about score, you are at:
Stage 2: Independence, Frame - "I don't care."
Independence is strong. And so are your ideas. But in a world where still no one cares, even though you don't, the shift feels lonely. Posts you will find here are those like "I've cut to 12%, go out regularly, and pass shit tests, but it sucks that my wife still isn't where I want her to be." Or "I have lost interest in women, sex, my physique, plates, relationships, jacking off". Why try? Why not just give in to the loneliness? You have the capability and mindset to excel, but you don't. Then you read:
SGM: And realize that maybe when two minds and bodies come together there's more to it than simply finishing the task. That putting in a movie and fast-forwarding to the end is retarded and unenjoyable. Maybe there's something to be said about the journey, they build up, and then immersion. Then you read:
TWOTSM: and realize that even though everyone is walking along their own path, that there's waves of connectedness between us that you can feel and move in. Manipulate and create. Like art, there's a certain way to interact still to communicate on a level that you haven't before. And you read:
POOK: and realize that you can get enjoyment and interconnectedness from simply being yourself and being fun. That emotion and value have all the weight of an old currency, but none of it at the same time. That life contains an unlimited supply, like an ocean of value, that there's no need to concern yourself if a spring dries up. That you are free to be who you want to be, without any binding influence by anyone who may think otherwise. You allow and exclude those in your life freely and without judgement. There is no scoreboard, there is no score. You don't care, but don't care that you don't care. And though you thought that would remove the ability to enjoy life, it actually removes any limit to.
Stage 3: Fun - She cares
What unlimited potential. Wouldn't it be fun to be around someone with that unlimited potential? Wouldn't it be worth it to be around someone with that unlimited potential? Isn't that all we're ever searching for? Potential is a powerful feeling. That something, anything might happen at any time. Accomplishment is a good feeling for sure, but accomplishment is fleeting. When you have something, when you've done it, when you've locked it in (Marriage) the day feels great. But the day after feels less great. And the day after that even less. But potential. Wow what a feeling. And when the world is simply potential, then you'll see guys who can play with their wives, who can reach for their dreams, who seem to be fonts of unlimited drive, and who can show others a way. And watch as some take to it knowing that they need to find their way, where others think they need to find the way. The idea that there's the way means each and every one of their problems already has a correct solution. And so all it needs is a quick post and a band aid fix. Stop fooling yourself. Read the damn books. Your way is out there. Open yourself to finding it.