// throwaway since my wife knows my main reddit account
I'm a 24M married for around a year. While we get along well overall, I now feel increasingly emotionally/sexually unsatisfied in the marriage, and sometimes I can't help but dread that the marriage will forever preclude me from going "back into the game" (unless I divorce/cheat), so I'll live the rest of my life like a monk without getting to enjoy my "manhood". I'd really appreciate some guidance from fellows MRPs on what I should do with my life.
Some quick facts about me:
- 24M from Asian family with controlling parents; not really confident about myself for most of my life;
- Fairly accomplished in my career but feel that my life is lacking something and that I'm "settling down" too early;
- Married for around a year; still a virgin...
More details on my past / our timeline (sorry for the wall of text):
- We knew each other from high school (mid-2010) and were each other's first SO. Since high school, we had been in an on-and-off LDR up until May/2016 (when I graduated from college). We went to college in different countries, and then she moved to the US in a different state, so we got to meet weekly when I greyhound five hours every week.
- I'm from a traditional and emotionally dysfunctional Asian family, and my parents have absolutely disapproved our relationship from the start. In high school when I still lived at home, I suffered from** regular-ish emotional abuse from my mom (who was going thru PMS) due to the relationship, while I don't usually see my dad a lot due to his business travels. Once I came home 30 minutes late, and heard my mom on the phone with dad screaming "that witch is stealing our son away!!! he's been hypnotized and used by her!!!"..... Due to our emotionally dysfunctional family, I think I've been low-confidence and a beta Male for most of my lif**e, and probably from the start with my SO.
- In May/2016, I told my parents again that we were together, and they were absolutely unhappy and used various tactics to defame her. I got convinced and broke up with SO, then moved to a new city for my new job.
- At the new city, I met another girl in my high school class who I had always admired, and we started from casually catching up and getting coffee without further intentions. While hanging out (and then dating) with her for a few times, it was pretty much** the first time I see myself "glowing with male attraction**", where I feel that a girl really appreciates me and wants me. I fucking absolutely loved the feeling, and I still remember the constant smile I had on my face. At the same time,** I started lifting and running casually, and my self-confidence boosted quite a **lot.
- The reason why me and the second gf broke up in only two months eventually was kinda interesting... other than me having to travel regularly for work, so one is that** she wanted to get married within a year (when I had no idea what my life would like); the second is that I caved into my beta personality again -- since she will earn 200K+ out of school, I felt insecure and told her that I felt insecure about our socioeconomic ma**tch (huge mistake)...
- I was depressed for a while after the breakup, and then one day happened to know that my first gf is also in the same city.** Due to the recent break up, I reverted to full Beta and really "appreciated how good she was since she never dumped me", and we moved in soon after. Things were pretty smooth, and then in early-2017, she started to bring up marriag**e since her US visa was gonna expire later in the year and my work visa + marriage would allow her to stay longer.
- At first, I rejected the idea of marriage immediately since I never intended to get married till late 20's, but then she pressed and asked "what would you lose if we are together anyways... marriage surely doesn't make a difference?"
- Eventually, I conceded, and we got married a year ago -- only one witness from her side; my parents still don't know I'm married at all; I only told three of my closest buddies in college.
- Looking back, I don't think I'm ever really satisfied with the relationship since she moved in.** I started to flirt with strangers online and exchanged nudes, and I still think about my second gf all the time. Our sex life has pretty much been limited to hands (we're still both virgins), and my several attempts resulted in her curling in the bed because the insertion was painful. I think I now have PTSD with sex, and usually I just masturbate once/twice a week, and we do handjobs for each other probably twice a month?
Recently, I learnt about TRP and stumbled on MRP and realized that I need to face my relationship issue head-on. However, I don't know where to start...
- I don't feel that I'm "wanted" by my wife, and our life is very routine and bland. When I go to work and talk about, say, weekend plans, I'm starting to feel "I'm old" because of my wife and our marriage. (She's super laid-back, never been to bars/clubs, and the most exciting plan from her is probably a double-date playing board game and Nintendo Switch.)
- I think our sex life is a huge problem, but she gets sensitive whenever we talk about it, so I'm avoiding this type of talk altogether.
- I want to get out of my beta Male mindset but the marriage is very limiting -- I'm afraid that whatever progress I make during the day will be undone when I get home.
Fellow MRPs, what should be my next actions at this point? I'm reading NMMNG and really love it so far, but where can I apply it in my daily life given that I'm already married? Also, does a divorce or affair make sense in my current situation? Is there anything else you would recommend?
Thank you so much in advance! Really appreciate any insights...