Can someone translate this to what it should look like

The problem with this is that most guys won't get that this is a parody showing exactly 180 degrees opposite of what you should do. In every single sentence. So I will bite:

I woke up this morning and realised I was fat. I ~cried in front of my computer as I wanked off to a video of 6 guys fucking a fat girl at a frat party. My son walked in just as I was cumming into my sock and said "Daddy, what are you doing?"

I decided to get a gym membership and get to work on my fat ass. I used a messed up mix of fogging and negative assertion on him. It didn't work, because he told my wife. She came in, angry and told me I could no longer do this in the house with the kids there and that she was sick of finding my wank socks on the floor. I smile at my son and patted him on the head as I headed out the door to the gym.

My wife stopped me, demanding to know where I was going. I used a classic MRP trick and told her ~~to "Shut The Fuck Up"~\~ I am going out. Then I Shut the Fuck Up.. She looked shocked and started to cry. I recognised this as a comfort test, so I got up to hug her. As I did, I decided to throw in some Kino Game and smacked her on the ass. "Get your fucking hands off me" was her response. ~~I could tell by her look that this was a soft no, so I went in hard and told her that she could be my wank sock if she played her cards right. She slapped me in the face and told me to get the fuck out of the house.~\~ I left her with a smile and carried on with 100% OI and not showing butthurt and ~~went back to what I was doing before.~~ left. I decided to stop watching porn and spend my time working on myself and my relationships. She left the room in a huff. I've been tracking her cycle, so I put this down to PMS.

Later I ~~got up to leave the house.~\~ came home and She asked me where I ~~~~~~was going.~~~~~\~ had gone. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I replied, flipping it. Yes" she said you haven't left the house in 2 weeks and you're wearing pyjamas". "Well, I'll need them where I'm going"

Tell me! I winked to her, cocky and confidently, giving her a warm hug and kissing her on the lips. .~~I got into the car and realised that there was no petrol in it, so I sat there for a few hours and went back into the house.~\~

While she was submissively and joyfully making me a sandwich I mentioned that I'd just joined a gym but the family membership was over $400.00 and I wanted to talk to you about whether we should upgrade my personal membership." ~~and what weights I'd been lifting. I like to call this trick "frame projection".We didn't have sex today, but like I said, she's nearing shark week.~\~ She complained a bit about me getting the membership without "asking her first" and laughed and her and gently reminded her that she wasn't my boss and "I don't answer to you. You are my fun loving little sex kitten and you answer to me." She tried to argue with me but I smiled and listened carefully to her arguments and did not find anything worthwhile or legitimate so I redirected her. It took some fogging and picking but she quickly gave up with her complaining. I thought she was pissed but when we got in bed she was all over me. Hmm, maybe this stuff works.

~~I'm on Dread Level 10 at the minute,~\~ BPP told me I was a dumbass red pill Rambo who needs to back off to Dread Level 1 and start over so I did that. I have read the side bar. ~~Didn't click the links but I've read it about 8 times since yesterday.~\~ I clicked all the links and have been reading 3 hours a day for the last two months. With the lifting, the getting in shape, that baseball team I joined, and the weekend parties we have barely had time for "date night" but we still manage to find time for a quicky almost every night. Life is good.