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I don’t have enough friends - how to get more?

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March 7, 2018
7 upvotes

It’s mainly my own fault but I don’t have enough friends. When I got married I relocated to a small town far away from the friends I grew up with.

Then I had kids, and the social life suffered as a result. Business great but I work from home/from cafes so any friends I’ve made have been more acquaintances. Same with hobbies.

I’m mid 30s now so guys my age don’t really go out, most are settled with kids. I was thinking the other day if I was thrown in jail who would I call to bail me out (if not wife/family) - I had no idea, and that genuinely made me think I need to change this situation.

I’m envious of guys who have that solid group of friends, most of the time it’s guys they’ve spent their formative years with before girls came along. I had that once but unsure if I’ll ever get it back.

But maybe it’s because I’m not making enough of an effort in this aspect of my life? Should I start communicating more regularly with people, more texts etc, setting up boys nights, generally being more proactive?


Post Information
Title I don’t have enough friends - how to get more?
Author Goochbell
Upvotes 7
Comments 24
Date 07 March 2018 10:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204741
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/82so6h/i_dont_have_enough_friends_how_to_get_more/
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Comments

[–]BostonBrakeJob12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy

I like your writing style. Assume responsibility - Make excuses/implore for sympathy - Answer your own question. Should go over well here.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is a great place for a personal diary

[–]BostonBrakeJob1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That it is.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hobbies. My best friends are the ones I made when I raced motorcycles. Nothing says trust more than dipping it into the turn bar to bar at 140mph thru the horseshoe at road america.

I have least 5 ready at all times to help me bury a body in the woods if needed.

Second to that are business associates. Not people I work with. There is a difference.

Get hobbies. Make friends.

[–]markpf730 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You also need at least one willing to help clean the crime scene too

[–]weakandsensitive10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

Grindr - as a bottom

[–]thunderbeyond5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

A novel way to tell OP to get fucked...

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

huh. i didn't even think about it that way.

[–]alchamest3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am starting to focus on this myself, the suggestions that you make at the end are spot on. Communicate more with people, set up events, be the organiser. What i am finding is that i need to be the one to set shit up and make it happen , No one is going to do it for me ( especially for what i like to do), and because of my apathy towards my social life it has become what it has, i let it get to this state by neglecting my friends and social circle.

I am finding it requires continuous effort to set things up, but the more i do it the less mental effort it takes,. Im lucky in that i can still touch base with my boys from earlier in life. As for new friends, the way i see it is that there are friends for a day, friends for a season , friends for a year and friends for life. Take people for what they are enjoy them whilst they are there, it is all transient.

I don't know if i will forge any deepbonds with new friends , so i am doubling down on the ones i already have and appreciating them in my life and making sure that i maintain those relationships. Friends, Cousins,brothers etc etc.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is a absolutely nothing stopping you from picking up the phone and planning a boys weekend - except you. That’s right. You.

I think you know that.

We talk shit about unplugging around here, but are you really doing it ?

Have you embraced the honest to god work it takes ?

Do yourself a huge favor, unplug. Get off auto pilot

Are you lifting ?

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

I've lost and made more friends than I care to think about. This point in my life if someone is to be a friend they have to bring serious value to me. Otherwise they may and will find themselves outside the walls at some point. Even now the only other men I will call true friends are those I served with. Otherwise they are "friends" that serve a purpose in my life at the moment. Maybe a bit too dark triad for some -- but that's the way it is.

I’m envious of guys who have that solid group of friends, most of the time it’s guys they’ve spent their formative years with before girls came along.

This is rare and often these guys forsake a lot to maintain it. I am not getting into the Alpha/Beta aspects of it because they are there and some will be Alpha some may not...odds are they will be beta. Still I had this. Until it dawned on me one day that all of them were dragging me down and it was nothing more then mental masturbation with a dose crab mentality. So 5 relationships I formed with I was 16 was over. I haven't spoken to those guys in 3 years or so. They still live in the same places doing the same things. Complaining about shit that doesn't matter. Don't get too enamored with the idea that you lose sight of the purpose.

It's easy though. Just start making calls. You have a business? Plan a retreat for customers. You aren't going to be everyone's friend. But you will eventually find people who will start hanging around more. The same concepts of gaming women are the same in making friends of the same sex. Be interesting. Be of value.

I even decided one day that a father son camping trip would be cool. So I just started contacting guys I knew from the dojo, work, other areas in my life and invited them and their sons. The result? 15 guys showed up with kids. 3 years later it's down to 6 hard core guys that expect it every year. A few float in and out.

It's a process.

Be interesting. Be of value.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It's funny you put it that way. I've had this revelation too. I don't think I will find friends closer than my ol sailor buddies. I find it easier to fly across the country to see them than I do to join a hobby club and hang out with a local guy.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Comes back to value.

Men seek value. Women seek community.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

fairweather friends vs the ride-or-die squad

[–]2ndalRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It’s mainly my own fault but I don’t have enough friends.

Nope. It's completely your own fault. Who on earth could possibly be at fault other than yourself?

I’m envious of guys who have that solid group of friends, most of the time it’s guys they’ve spent their formative years with before girls came along. I had that once but unsure if I’ll ever get it back.

You'll never get it back if you don't try, that's for sure.

But maybe it’s because I’m not making enough of an effort in this aspect of my life? Should I start communicating more regularly with people, more texts etc, setting up boys nights, generally being more proactive?

Sounds like a good start to me.

Let's say that instead of having more friends, you wanted to drink more Gatorade. How would you go about doing that? Would you sit back on your couch and think deeply about Gatorade, imagining bottle after bottle rolling through the front door and onto your lap? Or would you get your ass off the couch and go to the store and buy some?

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Would you sit back on your couch and think deeply about Gatorade, imagining bottle after bottle rolling through the front door and onto your lap?

Haha makes me think about Homer Simpson dreaming about donuts.

[–]redPillOnHard1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was in a similar position a few years ago. Worked from home, new town.

Highly recommend bjj studio. It attracts high quality people, provides excercise. Nothing bonds you with guys like pushing yourselves to your limits together.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You make friends when you get together with like minded people for a common goal. Like when you went to school, uni, army etc.

Don't use your kids as an excuse not to be social, use them as an excuse to be social. One of my best buds is a fellow parent. Our kids used to be besties. They have other friends now, but me and him are still buds.

Have a look at bachelors. They are usually keen to go out for a beer as they are not hen pecked asking for mommies permission to go and play.

Saying yes to things outside your comfort zone often reaps benefits.

Now, get over here and help me bury this dead hooker bud.

[–]HLM341 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Please don't bury any more corpses in my garden the dog has started digging them up. Cant you do it in the woods like normal people? 😉

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I made a similar post awhile back. I was looking for a "couple" type friends that had a similar family dynamic for when we wanted to include kids, etc. in our plans.

Someone made a suggestion to work the parenting circuit. I thought that was a good suggestion.

We ended up adding 3 or so new couples to our circle, but really it was just making it a focus for the goal to be accomplished. There was no specific strategy that paid off other than striking up conversations with interesting people.

As far as buddies, don't know how to go about that other than through hobbies. Have 4 or 5 very close friends, they're more family than friends. They've been around forever. The one that is only a few years is another business owner that called me one day for advice and we hit it off. Again, shared interests played a role in forming a bond.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lame post, but let's say, gaining friends why you have kids is the largest hurdle. How do you get over a hurdle?

[–]Sc00byDubious0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Possibly a "How to" book in the sidebar on this very topic.

Results are a combo of activity and ability. You should have the ability, so you need to up the activity/effort.

Good social group is an indication of status. If you are low on friends, then you are likely low status. Hit this hard to increase attractiveness and dread.

It's easy. Plan and lead. Most adults are awful at this. They just show up at stuff others arrange. Women are a bit better than men at maintaining a social group. The women latch on to the leaders who plan stuff, to stay included. See where this is going....all this shit reinforces each other and rolls forward with it's own momentum once you get active.

More important, it's fun. Plan fun stuff that you want to do, and invite others to join. You got something else you would rather be doing?

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The gym is full of men and there is a decent chance you can make a red pill aware friend. We are all there at least 3 times a week.

A good place to strike up a conversation is the sauna. Everyone shares better when their junk is hanging out. Sounds gay I know but a gay friend has value. They can shave your back and pat you on the balls.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

any friends I’ve made have been more acquaintances.

This is interesting.

Making friends involves several stages and it looks like you have some of the earliest and hardest stages figured out but not some of the later ones even though they are easier.

How would you go about turning an acquaintance into a "friend?"



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