Texting an Ex

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March 2, 2018

Found the wife texting an ex after I checked the phone bill. She was being a bit odd about me touching her phone(abnormal) to take a picture. I saw about a dozen texts back and forth between them(most him).

After talking with a friend of mine, and once I cooled off, I mentioned to my wife that it was a bit strange of her to act like that towards her phone. I gave her the chance to tell me. She didnt. Then I addressed it.

I said "there are two things I draw a hard boundary on, lying and talking to other men."

She went on to say that he messaged her about her parents house being on the market. And he had a couple of questions(right..). I told her I wanted to see the messages, but she said she deleted but she didnt want to make me angry. In the past, I would have gotten jealous and angry but I maintained frame(as best as I could) and didnt yell. She also said that in the past, I "didnt care who she texted."(maybe I did but that was then, this is now.)

Lastly, I told her "if you want to act single, you can be single." she blew that off and tried to pretend not to care by saying "okay!". Now, Im here. Any further communication with this guy and its game over. I believe she understands that now.

Whats my next move? As expected, she been Ice Queen for the past 24 hours.

Do your worst, Men.

Background: 27, her 26. Married 1.5 years. RP aware 10 months. Reading, lifts(bench 215, DL 345, Squat 305, BF 15%). For more info check my posts.

Post Information
Title Texting an Ex
Author MRP-Kris
Upvotes 13
Comments 31
Date 02 March 2018 10:57 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204753
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/81jhly/texting_an_ex/
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Red Pill terms found in post:

[–]Tebulus10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy

Whats my next move? As expected, she been Ice Queen for the past 24 hours.

Live your life and enforce your new boundary. Pretend she does not exist unless she is being pleasant. Your mission remains unchanged. If you fail to defend your new boundary, you would be better off killing the puppy and divorcing her. Keep going with oys/map/lifting. Her blowing off your declaration is because she does not respect you or fear that you have better options most likely after years of you reinforcing that you are a beta pussy hence the comment about you not caring who she text in the past. Also you put in your oys that your wife is on a libido killing ssri. Do you honestly believe she is cheating? I ask because women with low libido are an entirely different creature when it comes to sex. This needs to be addressed with her prescribing doctor. You can look into switching to a medication that does not kill ladyboners.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Some anti-depressants (Effexor, Abilify) also create strange, but documented, impulse control problems, and exacerbate addictive tendencies.

Shopping, gambling and sex are all documented.

[–]MRP-Kris[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do I think she is cheating? No. But AWALT.

The ladyboner-killing medication is something Ive looked into. The one she is currently on is known for killing ladyboners, not effecting libido and everything in between. Ultimately, I agree, a switch should be made.

[–]Tebulus2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

A woman without libido is a broken woman. I've been through the low libido due to ssri shitshow with my current ltr over two years ago. Its hard to describe, but its basically like their sexuality and sexual signals are muted. She would not respond to kino/push-pull in the way a woman not on an ssri would. Orgasms for her were all but impossible. The shitshow ended when at my urging and with my support she got off the medication entirely and sought out behavioral therapy to address the root cause of her problem(s). It is not something you can do for her. I found it easier to get her on board (like most things you want changed post-unplugging) to do if the rest of your ship is running tight meaning lifting, oys, map are tight and constantly improving. Dont use sex as a measurement of your success especially in this context.

Also keep in mind that this may not be fixable. You might have vetted poorly and married a woman committed to not fixing her problems or putting your sex life as a priority in which case you'd be saving yourself a lot of time and money divorcing now before you have kids.

[–]mattizie7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

No kids? Divorce.

You said it yourself, it's a hard-line that she can't cross and she did. If you let her get away with this behaviour, she'll do it again. If she told you outright, and told you first, that's one thing that you can let off as a warning, but this is completely different.

Divorce before you realise that you've spent 10 more years with this woman, and now you have to be responsible for a kid or two.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP do not get this bitch pregnant. Whatever you do, do not impregnate this woman. You have a chance here at a fresh start, doing it right. Don't fuck it up. As I said in my reply, do not trust her to take her BC.

[–]redesquire6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

I see a lot of red flags here:

*She was protective of her phone, which is a change from her prior behavior.

*She was texting with an ex boyfriend, and didn't come clean when you gave her the chance.

*She (claims to have) deleted the messages. Ask yourself why she would delete them if they were only discussing her parents' house?

*She was indifferent at your attempt to create a boundary, suggesting she may have already checked out.

Next move? Trust, but verify. She has spoon fed you information that should be easy to confirm. She claims he only recently texted her about her parents' house. What do your phone records show? Also, was she sending or receiving pics? (phone records should show this too).

You need to take a hard look at whether or not this is a woman you want as your first mate. Married 1.5 years, dead bedroom, and she's secretly texting an ex. Doesn't look good. On the bright side, you don't have children and are still young. You've established a boundary, but do you have the frame and the balls to enforce it if she crosses it again?

Regardless of whether or not her explanation checks out, you have a shit ton of work to do on yourself. Your OYS posts reveal a lack of balance in your MAP. You're clearly focused on your physical goals (which is a good thing), but other than working out and "dressing better" what else are you doing? I don't see any real dread (and no, basketball with the guys doesn't induce dread).

What's the story with her ex? Is your wife an alpha widow? I get the impression that she is desperate for masculinity, whether its from you, her ex, or Chad. It looks like you haven't read BPP's book Saving a Low Sex Marriage. I'd suggest reading it immediately, and implementing the 12 levels of dread as outlined in the book.

Remember, the stay plan is the same as the go plan. Good luck.

[Minor edits for clarification and typos]

[–]bwuqaswy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]coach14231 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly. Especially as you said, she "said you didn't mind who she texted before" then why delete the messages? Guarantee they weren't just innocent conversation. That's another reason she's being a bitch. You caught her and forced her to blow out the candle.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

You newbies always seem to mind fuck shit to death and defer to others for positive renforcement


You drew a boundary, now stick with it. It’s a fucking boundary, not a pretty please, not maybe. It’s a line. And, the worst part is you having nothing to feel guilty about.

Ask yourself, is this worth it ? Are you actually getting what “YOU” need ? Or, want ?

Ice Queen ? Who gives ten fucks ? Act like it dies not affect you, be pleasant, be the better person. Nothing, including her moods should bring you down.

Read “The Way of the Superior Male”

[–]InChargeManRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

No kids = easy street.

There is pretty much no wrong answer when no kids are involved. Sidebar, lead, and if after a reasonable amount of time you don't see a 180 then drop her like a hot potato.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Dang, AWALT. That sucks. And even though I see it time and time again on here, it still amazes me the solipsism about how she tries to turn it around to be your fault. Because you don't care. Right.

If you want to see the messages, you do realize that deleting a text message doesn't delete it from the phone. Look up stuff like Dr. Fone.

You can't plate this girl, unfortunately (I'm thinking the management post in the main sub). You did draw the hard boundary. All you can do now is work on your levels of dread. Work to become awesome. Be vigilant.

You'll get differing opinions on here whether to have her install a app to monitor her. There's the "She's not yours, it's just your turn" camp. There's the "Well of course I'd want to know the extent of how much she was planning on cheating on me" camp.

Before you become Chad to her (and that should be on your path, regardless), you might want to do some evaluation here on how worthy of a mate this girl is. It seems like she can't control her hypergamy. Do some reflection.

Good luck. Be awesome regardless.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

He needs ton assume that from this point on her OpSec will be much improved. It's likely he won't see shit as he's tipped his hand; that avenue is dead to him.

The best thing he can do is become awesome. And if ever there's a hint of impropriety she needs to be ejected from the ship. The boundary has been set, she'll either get in shape or go underground. He needs to prepare himself for either.

[–]MRP-Kris[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the reply. I still some have serious work to do on myself. As far as the Dr Fone advice, I will look into that.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

After reading your OYS posts you’re half asking this whole thing.

Suck less. Do better.

No wonder your wife is looking for tingles else where

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I haven't delved into the post history, is he bordering on askhole and clocksucker territory?

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy


Like initiating sex 2-3 times a week at best.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

So it's probably not the Libido Monster, but him being boring.

[–]MRP-Kris[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Could be this.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He needs to game other women. Mutual desire is but a faint memory.

[–]WesternhagenWinner1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She also said that in the past, I "didnt care who she texted." (maybe I did but that was then, this is now.)

She has, in the past, texted other men while married to you? And you did nothing?

Any further communication with this guy and its game over. I believe she understands that now.

I doubt she does. I think she will at least test this boundary. Probably she will keep communicating with him but attempt to have better opsec, so stay alert for anything that indicates this.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

I just read all your OYS. Seems you are putting in the work, reading the books, trying to get into a workout routine that works well for you. Keep that up. You don't have kids. There is a very nice life you are working towards that probably doesn't include your wife.
The thing I did, the thing that cured my oneitis, was approaching, flirting with, and N, K, or F closing other women. Didn't take much. You obviously don't have to actually kiss or fuck the girls you game. You need to shift gears into dread level 7 ASAP. Your wife is already calling you out on Dread level 8 (from your OYS, I wanna see you pick up some girls). Christ, she has awareness of her hypergamy! So, enter Dread Levels 3-7 at once!
Start building a life apart from her to condition your availability. While you're doing that, dress like a boss and start hitting on as many women as possible. You haven't been married long. You are her sure thing. She dreads nothing. That's your fault, but you don't have kids and the damage will be minimal if you leave. Do not get this woman pregnant and do not trust her to take her BC.
Your wife is texting a man who has already fucked her. Let that sick feeling motivate you to get the fuck out of your house like you keep meaning to do and game other women.

[–]RealityTastesGreat0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Dread Levels 3-7 at once!

Dread doesn't work instantly, it takes work and real change. OP doesn't seem attractive enough to this woman for ultimatums

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ultimatums are a DLV and a clear acknowledgement to the other that you have NO power in the relationship.

You don't issue ultimatums, you enforce boundaries.

You don't talk, you do.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

What ultimatum? OP needs a taste of abundance.

[–]RealityTastesGreat0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Exactly. With an ultimatum the focus is on the other person. A boundary is about what OP will do. It could be the same if-then conditions but the frame is different. If OP had more abundance (rather when he has), he'd be more in his own frame

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Outside of OYS and lifting (which is technically part of OYS), gaming other women is the answer to 90% of the shit I see on here. I did it to a ridiculous level my first year. I don't see that effort from a lot of the guys. Seems they prioritize everything else with ease, but when it comes time to actually see if they could do better, fear masqueraded as other shit takes over.

  • I will not cheat on my wife
  • I must need to OYS more
  • I'm not fit enough yet for my wife to come around
  • I'm giving my wife time
  • I don't have time

Name it. Real reason is you're afraid of what you might find out or who you may become.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now, Im here. Any further communication with this guy and its game over. I believe she understands that now.

Your next move is to enforce the boundary you set. The way you set it up, your only next move is to serve her divorce papers if she crosses your line.

OR ---- you can decide that you won't enforce your boundary. You might as well just tell her to do whatever she wants, because you WON'T serve her if she starts playing games with other guys.

Either way, the message is yours, you own it. or not.

If you decide on the latter option, you might as well join a cuckolding sub, your time here is done.

[–]Gaetanorex0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Im confused. You have a whore and youre not making money with her?

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

there are two things I draw a hard boundary on, lying and talking to other men.

I really want to applaud you on establishing your boundary and thought you handled the confrontation well. However, I think you need to tighten that one up just a bit next time. Girls are going to "talk to other men" all the time and most people lie a lot of the time.

That said, a wife being secretive about texts with the Ex is an extremely serious problem. I would be interested in checking the Ex's FB page and find out if he just got out of a relationship but you are basically powerless so what's the point?

[–]mrpthrowa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

there is no chance she's not gonna accidently contact or get contacted by him

I would move on already

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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