I'm looking for advice on how to deal with sex becoming an issue in an otherwise good relationship. Background matters (we have a 10 month old baby son) - added below.
Sometimes when I initiate sex, my wife has started to physically and mentally clam up. I'll be kissing her body, and see that her jaw is set, and she'll be glaring at the ceiling, or she'll break away from mouth kisses - I guess this an unspoken "medium/hard no". This doesn't happen every time - sometimes sex just happens and is great (she's responded well to SGM). But this response has increased over the last year. I've either responded by continuing until she actually engages (the sex can be ok to great), or stopping and doing something else (we're mostly in bed, so I go to sleep).
So this week when I got the "clam up" response. I stopped and said "this doesn't feel right". This led to a discussion with my wife doing the talking. Paraphrased highlights:
- "When you touch me [in bed], I clam up because I know you want sex, and I have to perform"
- "I haven't felt sexy or thought about sex all day/week until you touched me"
- "The last year has been the most [negatively] emotional year we've had in our relationship"
- "You're the most handsome and strong you've ever been"
- "I want to have great sex with you long-term"
I'm looking to reduce the "clam up" response...
- Been in a relationship for 10 years, married 7 years, have a 10 month old baby.
- My wife is on maternity leave, going back to work part-time next month. I've seen quite a lot of my wife + baby as I work from home.
- We're in a routine due to the baby. The baby occupies my wife's day until he's put down early evening. We each do individual activities 4 evenings a week, so there's 3 evenings when we could hang out. So sex happens at bed time, was averaging once a week.
- We're not spending much quality time as a couple - think we've only gone out two evenings in the last 10 months, with a baby sitter home.
- Sex got formulaic when we were trying for a baby. We were on the clock ("have to have sex on Wed, as best point in cycle"). I've made efforts to improve this in the last 6 months with SGM, which has worked well.
- I'm the slimmest and strongest I've ever been, which explains the "handsome" comment. Do body weight exercises, BJJ and another sport.
- We've had disagreements in the last year over baby-related issues, like how to get our son to sleep though nights (which he now does). I held frame, we compromised - but it was emotionally painful.
- I reckon my dread levels are low - I work from home, and my two sports mainly done by men.
My read on this is that I'm not making wife feel sexy enough over days/weeks, so she's not wanting to have sex when I initiate. Things aren't being helped by having a baby, my wife being on maternity leave, and my lack of dread.
So I'm thinking I need a re-read of MMSLP, to up kino + sexy stuff during the day time, and spend time with my wife as a couple (no baby).
I'm unsure whether I should initiate sex less (for now). I'm also unsure whether I should cuddle/caress my wife in bed, without an expectation of full sex (this is what my wife seems to want). This might help with relaxing her if she's thinks I'm going to jump her every time, or might backfire..
Thoughts + advice appreciated.