I was trying, after all the advice I received from this thread that my next post would be the start of my OYS, two months into MRP (in two weeks) instead of this victim puke..
Yesterday however, the wife had a "talk" with me that shattered whatever little frame I had developed and sent me down a spiral of WTF am I to do now. Revisited was the fact that although attracted to me ("I'm cute") , there's a lack of sexual physical attraction towards me and the physical sex has always left her wanting something more ("just good enough at best").. This sets me up in a mental position that I know the go plan is the only plan, however that mentality hurts as I do love her, and there's 4 Lil ones involved..
I had plans to move us out of state she claimed still willing to come with. She does love me as well and from a text conversation I saw on her phone she's putting the relationship above her increasing hypergamy ("If I ever feel like its so bad I want to cheat on him, which I don't, I'll rather tell him we should separate").. However in that same conversation ("sometimes I feel like a terrible wife because I wonder if someone could maybe sweep me away from him").
I'm continuing on my MAP and journey but with this information I feel I should absolutely make any and all plans to get where I need to be comfortable to kill the puppy.. I don't think she will.. I asked why even stay together let's just call it a good run? I was given 2 reasons
1- "I absolutely love you, I honestly can't see myself with another husband other then you, I just can't bring myself to desire you to the level you expect, I'm sorry I can't control it but remember sometimes it just clicks and I do desire you" interpretation to me is (I'm her beta bux, she appreciates that and gets overly horny so takes her only current option)
2-"I have always been selfish you know that, my parents spoil me to this day. I don't want to ruin us and end up alone because I'm selfish about wanting this lust, I'm afraid of being alone. I also know you'll move on and I couldn't bare to see that, it would destroy me to just think of you and someone else." (I'm her security blanket, and she's acknowledging her own hysterical bounding subconsciously)
I feel I deserve better, but my beta mentality wants to believe her, that it may get better.. That we should keep trying..I'm still working on me, I think we will last at most another year which also gives me time to continue to work on me.
Tl; Dr Wife struggling with lack of physical sexual attraction and most likely satisfaction. She wants to keep trying.. I feel I deserve a partner with desire, but 4 kids complicate things even more. I'm not ready to go, for multiple reasons (finance and working on myself) but I like to plan ahead. Might last another year at best.