My first OYS is here:
My Fitness details are here:
TL, DR; 42, 2 kids, married 11 years, dead bedroom
I set about my MAP last summer after reading Athol Kay’s MAP & MMSLP. Made vast improvements in my personal life & went from being a directionless, unmotivated waster to running my own business, having an active personal life and persuing my own hobbies. I straightened out my finances, wrote out my mission, set out my goals for the next 20 years and a plan of action to achieve them. Everything – in that respect – was sorted by Christmas.
I know what I want from life. I know how I’m going to get it. But there’s one thing missing….
Still no sex. Or affection of any kind. Not a kiss, hug or even a touch from her in months.
As you can guess, I discovered MRP the usual way. In January, I set about planning out my MRP map – lift, sidebar, read, STFU etc. Been at it 5 weeks.
Friday morning, I got into my car to go to the office. I had spent the week hamstering. I realised that I was spending all my spare time thinking about what she was thinking. It was creeping into my work life. It was keeping me awake at night. I was posting stupid shit here about back scratches. I was doing the Dancing Monkey program. I was overthinking everything I said, everything I did, everything she said, everything she did. It was a disruptive and destructive force and it had control of me. I had not found my frame.
Sat in traffic, on my way to work, I realised that until I stopped all this, until I finally burned my ship on the shore, I would be stuck here, dancing around like a hamstering monkey. That’s when I decided I had to kill my ego, forget about “saving the relationship”, to forget about “winning her back” and to concentrate 100% on me and finally swallow the pill. It finally dawned on me that this was the only option, the only way forward, the only way I could stop the rattling and noise that was polluting my head.
I took a massive gulp.. and when I woke up. I felt free. Liberated. My life was finally back in my hands.
When I got to the office, I sat down and made a list with the heading “GFTOW”. I decided to write out a list of ten women I knew who – if I made the effort – would fuck me. TBH, I hadn’t decided if I was going to persue this line or to spin plates, but I had decided that either I was going to get what I wanted from my wife (ie., sex and sexual desire) or I was going to get it elsewhere.
The next couple of months of my MAP would be dedicated to this.
I decided that by summertime, I was going to be having sex again – either with or without her. I was taking back control of my life and that included my sex life.
I put eight names on the list & scratched off 3. “Five isn’t bad to start with”, I thought. I could easily add to that once I put myself about. I am after all, a fucking prize.
I put the list away, and started my day’s work. For the first time in months, I felt 100% focused on my work – no thoughts of her, what she was doing, what she might be thinking. I didn’t care. I’m awake. I’m reborn.
When One Hamster Dies, Another is Reborn:
Friday evening, I knocked off early, picked up the kids, came home, put some tunes on the stereo and cooked the dinner. I felt fantastic. My mood was lighter than it has been in months.. years maybe. Wife got home, we ate and chatted, I went off to the gym. Stopped off at the office and then the supermarket on the way home, so I got back later than usual.
She asked me where I had been. “Just sorting a few things out”, I told her.
“Are you seeing someone else?” she asked
“Would you care if I was?” I replied
“You didn’t answer my question” she said
“Neither did you” I replied
“Who is this girl Hannah?” she asked.
“Why are you asking me about Hannah?”
“Because she was ringing you over Christmas”
Backstory needed here. A couple of times over Christmas, Hannah rang me when I wasn’t in the room (I leave my phone in the kitchen when I get home). My wife saw the calls coming in on the phone. At the time, she said nothing about it and never asked who she was. Hannah is my accountant, though my wife doesn’t know that.
“Ok” I said.
“So are you sleeping with her or not?” she asks
“Would you care if I was?” I replied again
“Look, I’ve been really angry with you” she says, “I loved you so much when I met you and always put you first. I would have done anything for you but you let me down and I’ve been angry with you and I’ve been angry with myself for not standing up to you and for not standing up for myself. That’s why I’ve been the way I have been with you for the last few months”.
“OK” I replied.
“I’m exhausted with all of this – I just want to be loved”, she says.
So I take her in my arms and hold her. She’s like a floppy rag doll, hands down by her sides. I hold her closer. No response. We stay like that for a few minutes, then I step back.
“You haven’t told me what you want”, she says
“You haven’t asked” I reply
She starts to cry – “You have to tell me something. You’re not saying anything. Tell me, what do you want?”
“I want you”, I reply
She moves towards me and hugs me for the first time in months. Not just a hug. It’s like she’s melted into my arms.
I pass a comfort test. Dread is creeping in. It didn’t happen at Christmas when the calls came in but now she’s actually worried now because my SMV is on the rise. She’s hamstering and the hamster is getting tired. It’s wearing her down.
I kiss her on the head and go off to my studio to mix some tracks.
White Light / White Heat:
The next day, we had family over – my brother, his wife, their 3 boys. They’re staying with us for the night. She takes the kids off for the day, I stay at home, organise the beds, tidy up and cook. I’ve prepped like a boss. The dinner goes great – everyone complimenting the cooking. My brother is diabetic, so I’ve made a non-sugar desert from avocado and cocoa powder. Goes down a bomb.
I haven’t seen my brother’s wife in 8 years. She keeps going on about how well I look these days, how I’m in such good shape.
I’ve organised a night out for us all – a gig in town. Two experimental indie rock bands. Think The Velvet Underground with no Lou Reed. I fucking love this shit. I expect everyone else not to but I don’t care – this is me doing what I love doing. By the end of the night, everyone has had a few drinks and all enjoying themselves. The wife is kinoing me every chance she can get. I’m in my element, smiling, having fun with my brother, chatting to people in the bar. A good night all round.
We get back, get into bed and my wife thanks me for organising such a great day and for looking after everyone. She kisses me goodnight.
First kiss in over 6 months.
Next morning, I get up. She’s in the kitchen. I walk right up to her, hold her head in my hands and give her a full on kiss on the lips. I see a look in her eyes that I haven’t seen in years – the look of a girl who has just been kissed by a man that she really wants.
The plan now? Just keep on going the way I was going. My life is now back in my hands, I have control and I feel fucking fantastic. I'm not afraid of losing her anymore. It's time to rock the boat, initiate hard and up the dread as required.
By summer time, I will allow some lucky lady (or ladies) to share this new found vibe with me and will reward them by fucking them seven ways till Sunday.
It’s game on.
Currently Reading: Sex God Method ;)