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She ended it last night. Best way to handle fallout?

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February 5, 2018
9 upvotes

Last night my wife in all but name told me she doesn't want to be my girlfriend anymore. She is no longer attracted to me and doesn't love me. She would still like to be "close friends" because I am such a great guy and she enjoys my company.

It wasn't totally unexpected b/c we have not had sex in ~2 months.

Thankfully we have no kids, but we do have a dog who is extremely attached to both of us. Another complication is that we both work for the same company. Everyone there knows we are together.

Technically our current lease is in her name, so that apartment is hers. Fortunately, I own a few rental properties, one of them has a vacant fully furnished bedroom. I plan on moving there today and packed up my stuff last night.

However, the roads were incredibly icy this morning so instead of driving separately, I fucked up and drove us in together like usual. She's a terrible driver, not an excuse, I know I fucked up there.

She has been very sad and texting me all day. Tried to give me an unreciprocated hug. I have been ignoring it all or at most sending one or two word replies an hour after three or four texts from her.

She will be out of town on business for a few weeks starting middle of next week. She has asked me to stay at the apartment and look after "our" dog. Normally I would take care of the dog while she is out of town, like she does when I am out of town, but we aren't together anymore.

What should I do? Charge her money for looking after the dog? Tell her to fuck off because technically she's not my dog and to be honest, I've had better dogs in my life. She is a good dog, though.

What should I do about work? Yes, I know I fucked up way back when by getting involved with a co-worker. If I invent a time machine I'll go and fix that, but for now it's ancient history. I Iike my job, she is currently looking for a new job, but isn't going to quit until she finds another one. Should I just wait it out there?

TL:DR Last night. My wife in all but name told me she does not want to be together romantically any more because she is no longer attracted go me. We work at the same company and have a dog


Post Information
Title She ended it last night. Best way to handle fallout?
Author BDPOver9000
Upvotes 9
Comments 70
Date 05 February 2018 01:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204856
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7vemf6/she_ended_it_last_night_best_way_to_handle_fallout/
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[–]JudgeDoom6936 points37 points  (10 children) | Copy

She will be out of town on business for a few weeks starting middle of next week

The timing of her renouncement of your romantic relationship is not unrelated to her impending travel. She has some "extracurricular activities" planned and her hamster has now relieved her of any guilt, she is not cheating if she has "broken up" with you (even if you're still married on paper).

She will possibly come back at you after her trip is over and she has gotten that little adventure out of her system. Be prepared to reject her.

Be thankful you have no shared children or real estate.

As for the dog, let her have him. He will be in good hands with her and life as a single guy will be much more simple without a dog. You can take off for a long weekend trip and not worry about boarding the dog.

[–]rocknrollchuck8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy

/u/BDPOver9000, I hope you see this comment and take it to heart. There's no doubt in my mind that the timing is not a coincidence.

If she comes back after her trip saying she had a change of heart, crying for you to take her back, and you do - then you deserve what you get.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yes. The timing really fucks with my head.

I would of thought she was smarter than to drop this before the business trip. Makes it obvious.

[–]rocknrollchuck2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

What does that say about her opinion of you? And what are you going to do about it?

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Doesnt say anything good. I've seen her SAT old scores, over 1500 on the 1600 scale, like mine. She's no dummy, but must think I am.

Today, all I can do is move on. Get as much of my stuff unpacked at my rental after work then go to the gym in before work in the morning.

One day at a time.

[–]weakandsensitive-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's no dummy, but must think I am.

Uh.. you're pretty fucking retarded despite what you think your score might tell you.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

This comment needs to be stickied...

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Is there any value to calling her out about the trip and the timing of this? I know it will feel good to call her out, but I suspect it will actually be counter productive to maintaining a civil work relationship and make me look butthurt.

[–]JudgeDoom697 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

There is no value to calling her out about the trip. You will come across as weak and needy.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Makes sense. Thank you.

[–]Yzerman_190 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

/thread

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret18 points19 points  (6 children) | Copy

She would still like to be "close friends" because I am such a great guy and she enjoys my company.

Yep, she wants to keep your comfort and her errand boy. You got no kids, you just go "OK", see an attorney and your relationship to her now is completely "professional". After everything from the divorce is handled, keep her completely out of your life. Then its time to draw your MAP and start pursuing your objectives and mission.

What should I do? Charge her money for looking after the dog? Tell her to fuck off because technically she's not my dog and to be honest, I've had better dogs in my life. She is a good dog, though.

And theres the first errand. If you dont want to, just tell her you wont do it. You are busy.

We work at the same company and have a dog

Your relationship with her from now on is completely professional. Dont talk shit behind her back. I dont know how much you like this dog, but if it was me I would just let her keep the dog so there is no "excuse" for contact. Do everything that is possible so that there is no "link" between you two anymore after the divorce. When people ask what happened, its just that you two werent compatible, dont blame her for anything, that its all her fault because blah blah blah. And life goes on, time to focus on you and your new life.

Theres lot of good posts on this sub about how to divorce properly. Use the search.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

That makes sense. Clean break and move on ASAP.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Another way of putting it, give freely because you can not because you feel obligated.

Another point, is protect your reputation at all costs. If watching the dog while you wind this down amicably keeps your work reputation in tact that's a value adding proposition. Talk nicely of her, tell everyone she's a good person, just not your person, etc.

If she was some rando skank I'd ghost her in a second but there's more at stake

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes. I agree that looking after the dog this one time, solely to protect my reputation at work is the smart move, even if not technically RP.

However as someone suggested below, I will look after the dog for that week, but at my new place instead to add another layer of distance.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No, either look after the dog while she's gone, or don't do it at all. Either do it or don't.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Read his statement again

[–]ImSteveMcQueen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great advice.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret12 points13 points  (5 children) | Copy

K.

Act as if she never existed. Don't tell people any details, just say it didn't work and you wish her well.

Move on and be awesome. If you're not awesome, your problem isn't the breakup. Your problem was that you aren't awesome.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

I was awesome, but then I stopped being awesome. I got lazy, sloppy - content. Did all the "bad" things predicted in the side bar. And I knew it and did it anyway. Only me to blame.

That said, yes - I will use the generic "didn't work out" excuse at work today. Not going to start drama and give blame.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

No one cares anyways, and if they did. Everyone sympathizes with women.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah. I swear I can already feel in my stomach which of our mural "friends" is going to side with her if this gets ugly.

It's s nasty, nasty, feeling

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well, that's getting ahead of the narrative. I guarantee she has been doing this already. Of course, being valuable and awesome are your method of keeping strong social networks...

[–]ImSteveMcQueen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Who friggin cares ! There are 7 billion people in the world. If you lose some friends during this, make new friends ! Abundance, buddy !

I lost some friends in my divorce. Were they really friends ? She went blab, blab, blab and they decided I was a bad guy. Really ? They obviously don't know me well if they sided with her like that. Good riddance !

[–]MikeRomeoPapa6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Will the dog be spending time with you even when she is around? If the answer is "no" then its not your dog. If its not your dog, its not your problem. She essentially kicked you out of your home, told you to fuck off and by the way, watch my dog while I go get some business trip dick... Do you really want to say yes to that?

As for work, tell HR you broke up amicably and there was no violence/cheating/etc. Then keep working while being as professional to her as you would any other co-worker...unless you want to be forced out of your job as well as your home.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes. You are right.

That's what I will do with HR. Get ahead of it all.

I think the dog thing is just going to hurt. Hurts more than the relationship ending. But its her dog and I have to let go.

[–]broneilbro4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Go get another dog from the pound..,a male one.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wife in all but name.

She's a girlfriend. Guys are giving you advice based on a poorly worded opening paragraph. No attorney necessary, no shared assets, write off the dog as a cost of losing a relationship, and move into one of your rentals.

Get attractive and find new girlfriend(s).

Be civil at work. DGAF about her "looking elsewhere." Search for something new if you want to.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

Read the sidebar. Make a plan. Enact that plan.

There's nothing in this post that leads me to believe you're here for anything more than a one time fix now that you're waste deep in your own failure.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] -2 points-1 points  (5 children) | Copy

I'm not looking to fix the relationship. It is over and there's nothing anyone can do to fix it. Finished.

I am asking for advice about the dog and my job situation.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

And I never said you are here to fix the relationship. But you're here for a fix...to your current situation. You've never shown any incentive to fix yourself before now, and there's no verbiage that shows an underlying understanding that a long term correction needs to be made.

In short, you're only here because your life is messed up now.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

What I did wrong: I got a hottie and figured I had won at life and stopped putting in the effort that got me the hottie. I got lazy.

I stopped going to the gym. Was a former competitive powerlifter.

I stopped taking care to dress well. I used to get random compliments from strangers on my style.

Hell I stopped even getting regular haircuts. I fucked up a lot.

So, yes - I know the long term solution. I do not know the short term and need a fix. /u/nastynickdr reply below seems like a solid plan.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Last piece I'll give: it's not about checking the blocks for haircuts, gym, and dressing well. It's about the mental shift to someone striving for a value filled life, who understands the dynamic of the world he's working in, so he knows which tools to use (blocks to check) to get what he wants. The fact that you are asking whether to take care of the dog or how to go about work means you haven't internalized a value structure of your own or how to head in that direction. How is lifting going to help you decide whether to watch a dog? How is working out going to help you decide how to engage with your STBX? The sidebar has the tools to change your mindset so you can answer these questions.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, you are correct. Thank you.

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

What is this wife in all but name bollocks?

MRP is hard mode because when our relationships die we lose half our assets and our kids.

I wish I had your lame girlfriend woes.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. You are correct. And I did not get legally married despite multi-year co-habitation because of all the horror stories I have read here on AskMRP and on MRP. I am blessed to have avoided divorce-rape and have tremendous respect for those who play hard-mode. I asked here because having lurked in the MRP and regular RP realms, you guys here give better advice. Playing hard-mode makes you sharper. Thank you.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So true ! Single and he is worried about losing a dog. Wow.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thankfully we have no kids,

Kill the puppy.

How to handle the fallout?

Not clear on something. Is she your GF, or are you legally married?

This is a no brainer. You start separating everything out and preparing to move out and move on. Gather all your material possessions and move them out of the apartment ASAP.

No, you are not going to be friends. No, you are not going to help her do anything anymore. She wants to be single; she needs to be single. You are now a single man, so you need to act like it. No more driving her anywhere. No more doing things for her.

No more texting. Don't respond to any texts. I don't care if she's sad. Know what that sadness is? It's her questioning whether she made the right decision, and her worrying about what you're going to do now that she's dropped this bomb on you. It's her throwing herself on your mercy and hoping to God that you (and your money) don't walk out.

The dog is not yours. The dog is your now-ex wife/GF's dog, and is her responsibility. Yes, tell her to fuck off. It's her dog.

What to do about work? She's looking for another job. She'll find one. Yes, wait it out there. You like your job. She's the one who wants out of the relationship and another job. Let her change jobs. Stick it out and deal with it. And it's her responsibility to get herself to her job.

The business trip? She might come back asking to keep the relationship. DON'T. She will have had sex with another man (men) during that weeks-long trip. No. You're DONE. It's OVER.

You're done. Be done. No more nothing for this bitch.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

We are not legally married. We are engaged, but thankfully I never got around to getting her a ring or setting a date.

Yes I am moving my things. Packed most of them last night. We play a lot of the same online games (Yes I know how lame that is) I will go and de-friended her on those too

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

We play a lot of the same online games (Yes I know how lame that is) I will go and de-friended her on those too

A much better move would to be to make a clean break from those as well, and pour that time and energy into improving yourself.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

To be fair, I only ever play them with her. Never touched a MMO until we got together way back when. Easy to stop.

Already said no to one of the vidya games we usually play at lunch. I was busy updating my resume instead.

[–]FlyingSexistPig2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

You are just beginning your Red Pill Journey, I hope. I don't know how you found this place.

She would love to have you as an errand boy. You're a good friend.

THESE ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOU. THEY ARE ONLY GOOD FOR HER. She will prevent you from ever moving on, from ever finding someone else (if that's your goal).

1) Absolutely do not respond to her texts asking for validation. Not a one or two word response. Nothing. She is sad? She tried to hug you? She wants you to tell her that she's not a horrible person, but she is.

2) You caused her to not be attracted to you any more. It was entirely your doing. This is the best news ever, because it means that the power to fix things is entirely in you.

3) If you want the dog, take it. If you don't want the dog, tell her to go fuck herself.

She's going to be fucking Chad while on this business trip. How do you feel about that, knowing that you'll be at her apartment looking after her dog while Chad looks after her pussy? Really let that sink in. How do you feel about that? How do you feel about someone that can do that to you? She asked you for a FAVOR! A FAVOR to look after her dog while she's out fucking her new man. What the fuck kind of blue pill mangina are you?

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I've known about this place for many years. I got her from knowing red pill stuff.

And despite it I still turned soft after all these years.

Yes I agree about the trip. It was the first thing that popped into my mind. Maybe it's confirmation bias, but It's the only thing that explains the timing.

[–]FlyingSexistPig4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

You used the red pill stuff to get her, but you never really bothered to understand female nature and hypergamy.

Now that you're not the one guy she's having sex with, since you're not the most alpha man she can attract, she'd love for you to continue doing all the boyfriend activities that you did before, just without her having sex with you. It would be great for her if you could watch over her apartment and her dog while she's out of town. It's especially nice because she doesn't have to pay you anything and she knows that with a winsome smile and the hint of possibility of sex, you'll be willing to do many more things for her.

But every minute that you spend in her service is a minute you don't spend improving yourself or pursuing other options.

This is why she's not attracted to you any more: You don't value your own time. Since you don't, why should she?

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can't argue with that. I'm taking the dog to my new place while she is gone. I like the dog and its not worth the workplace drama to reneg on it for one week.

I updated my resume during lunch today. Going to see if a competitor will give me a raise.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Is there any value to calling her out about the trip and the timing of this? I know it will feel good to call her out, but I suspect it will actually be counter productive to maintaining a civil work relationship.

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It will screw things up, and probably affect your workplace. Forget about feelings and focus on action.

Imagine if you did call her out and she went around the workplace telling everyone what happened, and made trouble for you. I guarantee they would take HER side, not yours. Think it through.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Of course you're right. Lots to lose, nothing to gain.

Stiff upper lip.

[–]HLM343 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

If it was me and It was my dog I would look after it in my new place. Cut the cord completely. Give less fucks, sounds like you are doing ok. Own your shit now as a single man don't dwell move forwards

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you. Taking the dog to my rental is a good idea. I allow pets there and I gets me completely away from "her" place.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

A dog is better than any woman. Possession is 9/10 of the law. The dog can help you pick up women, too. Good wingman.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

No real fuckups here, the only thing that can go wrong right now is if you backpedal and stay with her. It will suck for a while but this is a clean cut break up.

She is looking for other work, cool, but you can also keep your ear on the ground.

Let her keep the dog and the apartment. Feed it while she is gone.

Now, the future, what are you going to do to not get into this kind of mess again?

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What I did wrong: I got a hottie and figured I had won at life and stopped putting in the effort that got me the hottie. I got lazy in the relationship

I stopped going to the gym. Was a former competitive powerlifter.

I stopped taking care to dress well. I used to get random compliments from strangers on my style.

Hell I stopped even getting regular haircuts. I fucked up a lot.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

"Wife in all but name"? WTF is that? You proposed and she said yes but you never planned an actual wedding day? Or just an LTR you are shacking up with?

Regardless, you should consider yourself lucky that you have NO legal or financial obligations to her, and NO kids. A clean break is possible!

My advice: no contact outside work, limited to professional contact only at work, next the dog as well as the woman.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I will do that. Thank you.

I did not get legally married despite multi-year co-habitation because of all the horror stories I have read here on AskMRP and on MRP. We were engaged to get legally married when we started having kids, for their sake. Obviously that never happened.

[–]tryingmyhardest882 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm sorry to say this but, fuck this bitch man. She sounds like a right bitch, probably even said she's "confused". She doesn't want to be with you then don't give her the time of day and if you don't care much for the dog, tell her to fucking take care of the dog herself. Then go out with your friends and have a good time because you deserve better!

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Ha! Yeah, actually. She did say all the stereotypical things that RP predicted. She was "confused" and didn't "know what she was missing" and all the other cliches.

[–]tryingmyhardest881 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No regrets bro, life's to short. Just go out and kill it.

[–]470_2_700_nm2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You have commented “got a hottie”:

Don’t pedstalize a woman. “Hottie” means she is somewhere up there.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, you are correct. I used that term specifically to communicate that I had pedestalized her so readers would know that it was part of the problem.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My question for you is why did it take this long for you to get here ?

If you haven't had sex with her in 2 months, the signs were all there. And it probably isn't just that you are out of shape and don't dress well. You two have no kids and no money issues. You are living a stress free life. Things should be awesome.

You are posting here asking for advice on the "fall out". The question you should be asking is how to become a man again. Because until you address that, you are going to repeat whatever happened in your last relationship.

The fact that you are asking us how to handle the dog shows you have no frame. Do you want a dog ? Is the dog you now have irreplaceable ? What do YOU want and how are you going to get it ?

Don't worry about what she wants, pleasing her, being helpful or what the friends might think or do. You don't live for that. You live to be YOU. Period. End of story.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

What do you want to do? There's no explanation of what your hopes are or even how you feel about this. If you're OK about it being over, then just move on with your life. No more input needed. If your long term wish is to try and "win her back", that's a different story. Need more info.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, I wish it wasn't over, but it is. She is no longer attracted to me and that cannot be fixed. There is no hope of "winning her back" I gotta move on.

I want two things:

1) I want to keep my job and I do not want to ruin my career over this. I think I have a good chance at this one.

2) I don't want to feel guilty about abandoning the dog. This one probably can't be helped.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Fuck the dog - it's only a pet and it's not even your pet. Christ, get your priorities straight.

OK, so you lost a hottie. You'll get over her. Focus on yourself, your career, your goals, your mission. If you do that - and do it right - you'll have no shortage of other hotties.

Man, you need to look at this from a positive point of view - yes, you fucked up that relationship but you lost nothing from it. Financially, you're the same and you've no kids, so there's no emotional loss either.

It may not seem like it now but this is a lucky break - you fucked up but you've found a chance to learn from it.

You've also discovered the Red Pill. If you actually take the opportunity to swallow it and embrace it for all it is, you'll be miles better off than 99% of all other men the next time you head into a relationship... that's if you don't decide to spin plates instead.

Either way, best of luck.

And fuck the dog.

Not literally. That would be bad.

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know she's not my dog and it only feels that way because of the years.

Have to suck it up and accept reality.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I would take the opportunity to move out of the home, get your own place, and take the dog.

She has been very sad and texting me all day. Tried to give me an unreciprocated hug. I have been ignoring it all or at most sending one or two word replies an hour after three or four texts from her.

She is begging you to take charge and lead her away from the course she has chosen. She is hoping you are man enough to take control.

Are you?

[–]BDPOver9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would take the opportunity to move out of the home, get your own place, and take the dog.

I am doing that. I packed as much of my stuff as I could last night. I am incredibly lucky that I have a rental property with a fully furnished empty bedroom. Godsend.

She is begging you to take charge and lead her away from the course she has chosen. She is hoping you are man enough to take control. Are you?

Forgive me, but I don't understand. I am taking control and moving on because she ended it. Very succinctly. Her "I don't love you" and "I am not attracted to you" aren't wishy-washy words.

I remember the quote, from Rollo I think - You cannot negotiate attraction. And she doesn't have it for me anymore.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It wasn't totally unexpected b/c we I have not had sex in ~2 months.

FTFY

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The real question is who is the higher branch she swung up to.

[–]hypergamous0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sometimes I think that these types of posts are trolls and not AWALT stories of men living a blue pill life. As others will share: sidebar, lift, ghost, next and you can only fix the man not the relationship.

Work on you. Take time to fix what traits, habits and patterns you brought into that relationship. Learn from them & remove them.

Best to you on your journey.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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