My first post, I awoke to the redpill in november after reading No More Mr Nice Guy.... since then ive read almost every book suggested. Currently going through "When i say no, i feel guilty"
Anyway.. Been married for 8 years, a 4 year old and 1 year old... Great family dynamic.
I already have a lot going for me even before discovering the red pill. Tall, goodlooking, making over six figures (leadership role dealing with major cash flows) and I have a lot of so called 'desirable' traits... I can kill it in the kitchen and have no notion of "that's a male/female job" so i will often clean, do laundry... whatever needs to be done to progress the family. I was always the type of person that wanted to learn how to do something b/c i didn't want to be dependent on anyone for anything.
Anyway... after 7 years ive realized a few major issues;
- I spent alot of spare time playing videos - I've stopped completely and replaced this with new hobbies, including reading books and house improvements/fixes
- I spent alot of time smoking weed, which i also stopped (went from every day to like twice a month)
- I never initiated properly with my wife - Basically waiting patiently for the drip sex or blowjob to get me through the next few weeks. My porn addiction put me in a weird place when i just wanted her to initate
- Porn/Masturbation was my primary source of sexual release... I think i had a major addiction to this and it really messed up my sexual desires and what i wanted from my wife - I quit porn/FAPP, approaching 3rd month
- I suffer from PE - I cant have sex with her for more than a minute without unloading. I've been reading books on this and trying to improve it, but has still been a major battle - Also the reason that, throughout our 7 years, i preferred blowjobs.. i think i was just so lacking in the PIV department that i avoided it
- All the sex do's and don'ts - I did all the don'ts. Never primarily dominate, never had a plan. I would always discuss with her "what she wanted to do next" and most importantly, sex was relegated to night time and in our bed... so rejection resulted in me laying there frustrated. I guess i'm the AFC7)
I cannot recall any childhood trauma that made me like this.. My parents stayed together and provided me with a good upbringing.. but my dad was never romantic towards my mom and would do absolutely nothing during special days.. which i kind of carried into this marriage.
Anyway, since reading all this eye opening stuff i've made some changes... Lifting weights (following the body of a spartan program) and really worked hard on fixing my idea that 'romance was a womens department' and took that over.... Im now planning dates, taking her out... implementing Kino and overall showing her that i desire her. Since quitting porn i am no longer sexually 'dormant' for long periods of time and approach her for sex almost every/other day. I've always had my diet in check and have about 16% bodyfat. In general, i started to take more charge around the house and stopped letting her run the show
Sex went from 1-2 a month to 2-3 a week, which i'm very happy with... although the quality has not improved...
Most importantly, last night after Kino all day I initiated after her shower and she said "no, i want to watch a show first (with me) and then do it" -> Typical since she only really likes sex at the end of the day right before bed (problem to overcome for sure)
So i play it cool and say OK, get dressed and go downstairs... After the show I go do a few quick things and come back to initiate... after some kissing and touching she just tells me "shes not in the mood" which i assume shes not in the mood for foreplay and connecting with me... although she is clearly not saying NO to me fucking her. I dont ask -> So i get her on her hands/knees and have a quickie from behind. During the sex she clearly starts to enjoy it and her mood changes.... Doesn't matter much because of my PE problem its over pretty quick
So im not sure how to take this. Ive STFU about it and just carried on, but internally my intuition is going nuts.. I havent been able to have a real sexual session with her in a long while... like where i can use foreplay and build up to sex... its always quick sex b/c she wants to watch TV or live on instagram. She's "not in the mood" kind of just feels like she doesnt desire me (and shows me no actions to make me think otherwise.) I mean i have 7 years of bad husbandry to overcome.... AND a major PE problem that seems impossible to fix. I've always made her have orgasms orally (when she is 'in the mood' i guess)
Do i just keep hitting the gym, trying to generate dread, and kino her.... Is it all just too early? Is it too late?
Another problem (in general) is being a father of two young kids, and having a senior managers job, my 'free time' is pretty tight.. after hitting the gym i typically have like 30 minutes left for myself...