Question on telling wife (fat wife in Dubai update)

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February 2, 2018

Guys. See my "fat wife in Dubai post" in marriedredpill for background.

Me: 44 yo, 6'3", 195#, 12% BF. Very fit. Lift nearly every day. Her: 44 yo, 5'6", 210#, BMI 33 (saw dr's report. worse than I originally thought) hurt foot, aching knee Dead bedroom. I stoped the Viagra and stopped sex with her because it was gross. She knows why without me even saying. She doesn't ask. 2 awesome kids, all of us living in Dubai

I'll fill in the details of the last month later but - in short - I am more and more comfortable with ending this marriage and when she moves back to OK, I will follow to be with the kids and find another job. I know I can be successful anywhere I go. Even in OK.

I am ready to tell her I don't want to be married anymore. She has no real friends here in Dubai, SAHM, and time on her hands. Telling her this news will devastate her. She has no where to go in Dubai and no real friends so I'm worried that she will be on the phone for hours to her mom and friends in OK and the drama of her weeping and moaning will affect the children. This will be hard enough for them. I don't want additional drama or her begging me to stay, crying all the time stuck in Dubai, with the kids looking on.

I want to suggest that she go back to the USA for a month or so to see and enjoy her family without kids it tow. Relax, go to a doctor for her feet, knees, and weight in OK. Our summer visits are typically stressful racing around to see family, dealing with jetlag, etc... This gets her to family and in a comfortable place.

After a few weeks, I will tell her I don't want to be married anymore. This lets her absorb the news without me around, with her OK family and friends at her side, in a familiar and comfortable place. The kids will not have to deal with her reaction.

I will suggest that she come back to Dubai in a month or so to sort through belongings and ship them back to USA. In the meantime, I want to work with her on a separation agreement. She was a SAHM for a lot of years, but has a good college education. I don't want to screw her and I'm willing to take the financial hit to help her get back on her feet. Whenever the kids and I get back to OK, we can have 50/50 custody and I can start a new life.

In the past I've been someone who avoids confrontation and I want to stop that. But, the logic of doing it this way seems sound as opposed to a big mess in Dubai. Am I pussy'ing out by not saying this to her face or is my reasoning sound?

Post Information
Title Question on telling wife (fat wife in Dubai update)
Author CharlesPoon
Upvotes 7
Comments 31
Date 02 February 2018 06:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]The_LitzRed Beret9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Brother, I can hear your teflon gears spinning in your head from over here! You are trying your best to make a plan that has the least amount of impact on the kids and keeps you looking like the good guy.

No matter what plan you come up with, you are breaking eggs to get to your single life goal.

Your current plan is actually very bad. The mother and the kids are a unit. Separating them and sending your wife home and then telling her you want to divorce sounds very close to kidnapping, and trust me, she will beat you to the draw and fuck you up. Nobody will listen to your side of the story or believe you that you had the kids best interest at hart. It is not about not looking bad, it is about staying out of jail.

Speak to a lawyer both at home and in Dubai. Arm yourself with knowledge.

Now the whole divorce thing. Are you sure you want to divorce? Besides her being fat and unattractive, is there any other redeeming qualities? You talk about her being a good mother and best friend and so forth.

I know about 15 expats working and living in Dubai and surrounds. The lifestyle is not always conductive to a good relationship. The whole work crowd tend to work together, party at the expats club together or go off roading in the desert together. If your wife does not fit in with the other wives she is not going to enjoy herself. She may become bored, depressed and guess it...... fat. I myself have declined a work offer there, because I do not like the life style, plus a few other reasons specific to the UAE.

Your go plan and your stay plan is the same. You are going to move back home to be close to your kids after the divorce, right? Why not move back home now? Your time in Dubai is finished. Move back, settle, and then plan an exit.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Way too many covert contracts here. And yes, you are being a pussy by not saying this to her face - but at least you are being consistent with your other covert contracts in your other posts.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Covert contracts are over. I don't lift because I hope she'll work out. I don't eat healthy hoping it'll guilt her into eating better. I don't initiate sex hoping she'll reciprocate the next time. I'm learning to do things because I want to do them for me.

I want to tell her about the split while she's away so she doesn't disrupt my children and home with hysteria. This is not a covert contract, this is me keeping a lid on my house.

[–]Sapphire_Jizz5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Man, you need to consult at least one very good divorce attorney in OK before you initiate ANYTHING re: divorce. Don't even mention divorce to her or anyone that might tell her / any of her family till you've had thorough consultations and you're as ready as you can be.

She was a SAHM for a lot of years, but has a good college education.

This is a convert contract with yourself: "my wife is college educated so she'll be able to get a good job and thus I won't have to pay as much!" There are no guarantees that it'll go like this.

I don't want to screw her and I'm willing to take the financial hit to help her get back on her feet.

Why do you want to help her? You've already given her everything -- yes everything -- including Viagra-enabled duty sex -- in your marriage and she completely squandered it. You gonna keep being a chump for her during and after you divorce her fat, lazy ass? Why...? When's it gonna end? Imagine if the roles were reversed... she's the fit breadwinner of the family, and she's finally decided she can't be burdened by her fatass stay-at-home-husband. Do you think she would show you mercy and 'take the financial hit' in this scenario? Fuck no. This is war. She will lobby ONLY for herself in every way, including custody. You have to be prepared to do the same.

Whenever the kids and I get back to OK, we can have 50/50 custody and I can start a new life.

Don't assume 50/50 custody will magically happen. Don't assume anything. You've gotta get serious about this. Take as much time as you need and do this right. You know you could get seriously fucked by her, but you're blocking it out assuming the best.

In the past I've been someone who avoids confrontation and I want to stop that. But, the logic of doing it this way seems sound as opposed to a big mess in Dubai. Am I pussy'ing out by not saying this to her face or is my reasoning sound?

Yes this is a massive puss-out. The only time you should tell her about the divorce is when you serve her papers in person.

[–]Aditya77-scorpio1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

And by the way - OP has so many personal details in all his posts, I will not be surprised if someone recognizes him and reveals his anonymity.

[–]asotranq0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with your sentiment of not showing her a tonne of mercy financially, but since he has kids and it'll help her well-being then it's probably better than he just downsizes his life slightly and lets her get her fair shake and even more perhaps. The court system will mandate this anyway, and he should definitely have some money saved for this kind of thing anyway, he's earning a shitload of cash so he probably won't even feel it.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

this "plan" made me lmao hard, real hard

"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." - Mike Tyson

seriously bro, given your behaviours it's very likely she knows you cheated. unless she goes back to the states sans the kids every summer she is likely so see through your scheme and probably jump to the conclusion that your trying to "steal" your kids.

let me give you a real plan:

  • find out who the top divorce attorneys are in OK

  • consult with more than one of them. develop a list of questions. focus the conversation on what all the possible and most likely outcomes are

  • do what those attorneys advise you to. this is the dissolution of a business venture that has gone to the hogs. treat it as such.

accept that your kids will be dealing with your wife's feelz and whatever comes after. sorry champ; but you can't have your cake and eat it to. for the sake of your kids, hopefully your wife has better control over her emotions than she does a fork.

yes, your being a pussy for not telling her in person. your logic is nothing more than hamster squeaking.

do you know many people that have divorced?

i agree with freshona, your going to be surprised by her reaction. my bet is "meh, give me my money motherfucker"

[–]AllYouNeedIsBeer1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agree, if he believes that she is completely unaware of his extracurriculars, he doesn’t know women very well.

[–]johneyapocalypse2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Listen man, this idea has so many holes that you'll be institutionalized before her lovely vacation even begins. First, I am married to a woman from a different country. We live in a proverbial melting pot where everyone is from a different country. And plenty of marriages happen for all sorts of reason other than love.

Whenever (1) marital issues and (2) leaving the children in another country come up, something deep down inside starts ringing the sirens. It's too risky for anyone. And everyone in similar circumstances knows it. In fact, it's the issue one is most aware of when you throw those two things together.

If she really understands that you're no longer interested in mating with a Wildebeest then she will also understand that leaving her children in a different country is, well, not a good fucking idea.

I enjoyed reading your graphic novel about your fatass wife's cellulite, but wake up dude, you're in lala land. By the time you finish planning your getaway, as opposed to getting away, you'll probably be dead. Move on, see an attorney. Sheesh.

p.s. I really enjoyed your one post. The visceral reaction impacted me. While I never morphed into a monster landmass myself, I did blow up after treatment, and later reading your story helped motivate me to move my ass extra hard. So thank you. Now move your ass, cuz you know she's not moving hers.

[–]JudgeDoom691 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you are taking the easy way out. A good Captain doesn't scuttle the ship at the first sign of bad weather. Ask yourself, are you making the problem better or worse.

For your kids' sake, before you throw in the towel, send your wife to a nutritionist. She's depressed, isolated and is drowning her pain in carbs. It's a viscous cycle. And get the shitty food out of the house for her sake and the kids as well.

If she starts losing weight, her confidence will grow, and she will continue on an upward spiral. Her feet and joints will feel better when they aren't holding up 210 lbs.

If it doesn't work, at least you'll know you did everything you could.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Its Dubai. Are they not cool with multiple wives over there?


[–]Senor_Martillo14 points15 points  (3 children) | Copy

Well, with that BMI it sounds like OP already has a wife and half, so he's on his way....

[–]johneyapocalypse1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

[–]asotranq0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

he's married to tonnes of women, but just not more than one

[–]JudgeDoom690 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haha brutal

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Being neither Muslim nor an Arab makes that a bit tricky. :)

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

The White Knight in me says your wife is probably severely depressed. She is away from her whole family, and with a man that doesn’t really dig her from what I can tell. Half a world away.

I would eat myself to 30% BMI as well.

It sounds like she is faithful. Maybe she is a good chick just in a bad spot. You took a gamble on this Dubai thing and it worked for you, not her. Now she is trapped.

Cut her loose man. Let her go home and reboot her life, and you do the same.

[–]iamcos6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree with you. I don't even think it's a white knight view. From the past post the wife has been basically alone most of the time and as OP has said, has no friends in Dubai. She is very likely depressed and OP's so focused on his happiness or lack of that he didn't realized how he was creating this problem by secretly resenting his wife yet not being a better leader to her.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just to clarify. We've been in Dubai 8 years. I was only away 9 months and it was a one time contract in Djibouti.

It's just the last several years where her weight has really taken off, but without close friends and without me stopping the weight gain early on I'm at this point.

[–]DeeMooreDeeMarriet0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Are the divorce laws more favourable to you in Dubai or OK? How do you know she won't go home and file herself?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

We're both US citizens with assets in the US and not citizens of the UAE. The divorce has to be US based.

She may, but I doubt she's thinking that.

[–]RedPillPowerNine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There is a lot of good ideas and plays here In this marriedredpill thread. I haven't seen anyone link it yet.

Be careful man.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Such a sad scenario for both of you. You will be screwed with a divorce. Your best bet is her dying from obesity.

[–]ReddingtonsShitList0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Look at all of the divorce advice in the sidebar, and all of the divorce posts from u/Red-Curious

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

We see guys like this all the time. They don't want to be married but they are consumed with guilt so they give up basically everything to the wife in the divorce.

Strangely, we almost never see women who are consumed with guilt because they don't want to be married.

Women harness their hamster in the cause of demonizing and dehuminizing the man. Everything he ever did is reframed in a bad light.

Men do not use their hamster to dehuminize or demonize their wives. They feel sorrow and guilt.

I think even if the divorce courts were completely fair, and they are not, that women would still get a much better deal. Men are programmed to protect and care for women. Women are programmed to manipulate and deceive men. It wouldn't be a fair fight even if the courts were fair.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm playing "nice" only to keep her friendly through the process. The post on marriedredpill on how to divorce your wife is very good and gives advice on keeping civility to get a better deal for the man.

I'm willing to lose a little bit more if it might keep her from feeling like I'm out to screw her and she turn my kids against me. If she turns feral then I can play hardball, but I'd like to keep my kids from hating their father cause of what mom tells them.

[–]AllYouNeedIsBeer3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

They’ll probably end up hating both of you regardless

[–]freshona0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just serve the god damn papers. You don't read minds, the results will surprise you, I guarantee.

Just. Serve.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I am the outlier here. I think you are doing everything pretty smart. You want to keep your focus on making her your friend. Read my recent post in MRP about how to divorce your wife. Stick to the playbook, it won’t be easy but you will get there. Keep it simple, remember your mantras, keep it real. Have you dumped the Phillipina or are you planning to go back to her?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Your mrp thread was excellent and I'm definitely taking pointers from it.

No, I'm not planning to go back to the Filipina. I'm slowly releasing the oneitis I had for her, but it was very hard. Lots of reading about how bad oneitis is and I now have 2 Thai plates that give me excellent sex when I need it so that helped.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is no known cure for yellow fever, it always just gets worse.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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