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Thoughts on my family vs. my wife

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January 29, 2018
8 upvotes

*EDIT: All quality replies, guys. Thank you for your time. Spot on. As always.

I recently found out from my sister that my wife has been the brunt of family angst for over a decade.

Married 12 years, 3 grade school children. Spouse and I are late thirties. MRP/RP has changed my life. Lift, read, successful job, successful life by all accounts. I’ve learned to own my shit, STFU, lead. It’s turned around my sex life in the bedroom (although I continually am working on getting it where I really want it to be). However, there’s been much progress since the beginning.

Problem is that I’ve never been 100% committed to my marriage. I step out every couple of years to fill the void that I perceive has always existed.

I recently took a road trip with my sister, who informed me on many deep discussions about life, that her/BIL, my mother and father absolutely 100% can’t stand my wife. They all live out of state and hardly visit. In fact, it’s like pulling teeth to get them to come visit my children. It’s been the source of must angst and anger for me over the past few years as I could never understand what the deal was. The excuses usually were along the lines of finances and work schedules.s

Now, I understand what the problem is. It makes sense. I calmly and politely confronted my parents and asked them for their thoughts and input. The short of it is that they view my wife as unintelligent, socially awkward, ungrateful (toward me) and unaccomodating toward them (when they do come visit).

This really took me by surprise. I asked all 3 for specific examples to back their claims in the hopes of filtering conjecture. Having heard their claims, I TOTALLY see what they’re talking about. I guess I’ve grown accustomed to it and I stopped seeing the issue they brought up.

Now that I’m home and quietly observing, I see everything here talking about. I’m infuriated. My kids have lost out on years of memories and bonds with family that should be part of their lives. It makes me sick to my stomach what is at hand.

I can’t do much with the information. Telling wife about it will only isolate her in future interactions with said family and I don’t think she’d care enough to try and change. I’ve considered divorce on and off for several years but I’ve always slipped back into the comfortable hum drum of life....that is until now......now that I’m aware of RP teachings. This, IMO, is a deal breaker. My infidelity isn’t fair to my relationship, however I won’t stop. A common lack of respect from my family toward my wife is feeling like the straw that is going to break the camels back.

Thoughts from the community on managing this situation in one direction or the other?


Post Information
Title Thoughts on my family vs. my wife
Author wn36
Upvotes 8
Comments 36
Date 29 January 2018 02:17 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204885
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7tp362/thoughts_on_my_family_vs_my_wife/
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Comments

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret14 points15 points  (4 children) | Copy

You're screwed, and it's your own fault. It's not about your family vs your wife, it's about you.

You mention the void. Let's talk about that. Why do you think that void exists? Do you think it's your wife's fault? If so, you're wrong. It's your fault, cupcake.

You mention that your sister, BIL, mother and father can't stand your wife. They tell you that your wife is ungrateful to you. Why do you think that is? Do you think it's your wife's fault? No, it's your fault, again.

You blame your wife for your kids losing out on time with extended family, but really you should be looking in the mirror. And the kicker is that you're ready to nuke things not realizing the massive long term consequences, nor are you willing to unfuck yourself.

So Rambo on, cupcake. You're going to screw yourself, and the only one to blame will be yourself.

[–]wn36[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

The void is that I settled too early, woke up too late. I’m not getting any younger.

I’m not saying this is my wife’s fault. Never claimed that. I know it was the past 9+yrs of BP me that has brought me to where I am now.

Rolls said you can’t negotiate desire. I agree. Not sure how much more I can give/do to turn that around. She’s the envy of many.....but I know where you’re going.

I’m fully aware of the long term consequences. This isn’t a decision I take lightly. It is going nuclear but in some sick fashion, I feel like I need to punish myself in order to start over and built back up. Fucked up, isn’t it? Fuck it. That’s how I feel.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Feel like I need to punish myself

Because you're a Nice Guy to life. The same way the nice guy stays 'just friends' with the girl that rejected him believing if he suffers enough she"ll let him fuck her...you believe if you suffer for life that life will somehow reward you with good times and great friends.

This isn’t a decision I take lightly.

Yes it is. It's the easy road. Get free karma from life rather than attempting to fix the shit pile you caused because your frame is made of dead leaves which gets blown, as /u/man_in_the_world said, per whoever you were with last. Your kids missed out on years of memories and bonds with family? So why weren't you making those memories happen then?

Fuck it. That's how I feel

Re: "I have no control over my feelings so I guess I'll just cave to them? Someone else take the wheel...I'm going to have a drink."

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I feel like I need to punish myself in order to start over and built back up. Fucked up, isn’t it? Fuck it. That’s how I feel.

I shaved my head, partly as punishment for my being a pussy.

So what's stopping you? Do what you need to do and then pick yourself up again.

[–]wn36[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fear. Mainly the kids. I see two paths for them, one with me staying and one with me leaving. Neither is perfect but I think we all agree the cards are stacked even further against them with me not being there full time.

However, I DO NOT want to be that guy who stays in a miserable marriage using my children as a shield.

[–]BobbyPeru7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy

You sound like a boy whistling in the dark while looking for an excuse to leave your wife.

If she’s not adding value, divorce her, but don’t use your family as an excuse. Grow a pair of balls.

[–]wn36[S] -2 points-1 points  (5 children) | Copy

....Looking for an excuse. Yep. I think you’re right. It takes huge balls to walk on 3 kids. Or does it?

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Walk on 3 kids ? You lost me.

You’re not going to get joint custody if you get divorced?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

He probably would, but that doesn't mean 50/50 physical residential custody.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Depends on the state. In my state 50/50 is pretty standard

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That's good. In my state you usually get that only if the soon to be ex spouses agree to it and then a court will allow it only if you live relatively close to each other so there's no disruption in the kid's schooling.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fortunately, my state realizes that fathers are just as important as mothers

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

It sounds like you're dominated by your family members' frames instead of your own.

Or do you just fall into the frame of whoever you were last with?

[–]wn36[S] -1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Actually to the contrary. Up until this light was shed on the issue. I said fuck it, if they won’t come to us, we’ll go to them. Physical travel, FaceTime, etc. Whatever it took. In person however, shit ensues because it doesn’t seem they can all get along.

Having them around is important to me. If you can’t listen to or trust family, who do you have? (Standing by for incoming about the lonely path of man.) I’m taking their opinions into consideration. Splashing those concerns to the community. That’s not me in their frame, IMO.

[–]Reach180Red Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

That’s not me in their frame, IMO.

Your reply here confirms exactly what he says IMO.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Having them around is more important than having a family that’s intact. To visit with grandma /grandpa is more important than having a complete family and making the best of the choice you made. I understand having a cold wife. I don’t know if I will ever get a SGM sex life, but I am committed to taking everything I have learned here and making myself a better man that she can be attracted to. She may never become my perfect freaky sex goddess, but I’m going to make the best out of what I have. If my family didn’t like her. Fuck’em, i’m not married to my mommy or my sister. My kids deserve the best marriage I can possibly create. Even if it does not meet my perfect ideal.

[–]Red-Curious4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

As u/steelsharpenssteel said, this is your issue, not any of theirs.

Why do you give a crap about what your family thinks of your wife? DNGAF. "But it's affecting me and my kids because they won't come over." From the story you gave, if you were a rock about all of this, they'd be able to put up with her. The fact that they didn't feel like they could be honest with you for so long is very telling.

Why have you been putting up with your wife's crap for so long? Because you were blind and now you see. Fix it. Lead her or leave her. But take the opportunity to test your leading skills now, otherwise you're going to screw up the next relationship and have to dig yourself out of that hole instead of this one. Figure it out now, then when you're in a good place make the decision.

But for the love of all that is good, don't make major life choices because your mommy thinks you picked the wrong girl. Figure that out for yourself. If it happens by chance to be the same as what appease your parents, fine. But don't let that be what controls your decision. You control your decisions.

[–]FoxShitNasty832 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is bang on, you do need to sort your shit out. Become a man, a lot of the things you have said so far ring true for me as I'm in a similar place. If you bail out now you would have lost the opportunity to learn to be a captain. Give it 6 months to a year then re-evaluate, lift and stfu. No more Rambo shit. Do not give any fucks

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The fact that they didn't feel like they could be honest with you for so long is very telling.

I caught that!

Why have you been putting up with your wife's crap for so long?

The brutal reality is that the family is not really angry at the wife. They are disgusted with their blood relatives lack of leadership and control over this energy sucking vampire. They are sickened that their brother and son is willing to put up with his wife's crap. He should get that under control before he walks.

[–]Red-Curious0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. I can't count the number of times my family has said of my brother in law, "Why can't he stand up to her?"

[–]markpf736 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are the reason your family hates your wife.

I'll bet you cried to them as a blue pill faggot about all the ways your wife was wronging you before you became "RP aware". You poisoned the well.

You create your reality - well done. Not sure how you can unfuck your family's dislike of your wife since you so effectively convinced them how bad she is...

But how about you start by taking 100% accountability in this (or in your language take 100% of the blame)

[–]simbarlionRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Problem is that I’ve never been 100% committed to my marriage.

make this decision. Its top of the pile bro.

[–]drjamesstone2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

You preemptively started stepping out and that's keeping you in the marriage. Is this what you want to keep doing? If so, what exactly is the question? It can't have come as much surprise that the wife is on the out with everyone else, can it?

[–]wn36[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I’m not sure I’m following you here. I step out because I was deep blue pill, lacked abundance and pedastalized my wife when she was the only one at the time who wanted to have sex with me. Early 20s. Huge mistake. If only I had known then....

She’s clueless to how my family feels. I’m her mind everything is business as usual. Insight in not one of her strengths. She is an emotionally cold woman. Never speaks in the past when we’ve tried to sort our differences. Never cries. She’s either more RP than me (Sarcasm) or is just emotionally void. This same observation was stated to me by my sister....independently verifying my preconceived ideas. And I didn’t lead the witness.s

[–]GC0W30Fat, needs discipline0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She’s either more RP than me (Sarcasm)

If RP is knowing the truth about how men and women's minds and psychology work, then no need to say sarcasm.

Most women KNOW RP truths and do their best to keep them hidden. Since you're early in your MRP journey, odds are that she IS more RP than you, but she continues with the facade that BP truths are valid.

[–]HATEFULretard1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Have you ever complained about ur wife to ur sis, or parents?

[–]wn36[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yes. Not in excess, though. And not once since I found RP. I defended her since finding RP.

I think I know what you’re getting at though. People just tell you what you want to hear, especially family and friends. What’s the word for that?

[–]HATEFULretard0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

There's an old saying that Rings true

A daughter is a daughter all of her life. a son is a son until he takes a wife.

[–]wn36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t think this is a mommas boy issue. In fact, we’ve been largely at odds since my adolescence.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Removing your wife from the equation won't magically fix your life. You think if you divorce your family will all if a sudden be up to traveling to see yoj and the kids? Surprise, they will still find excuses.

It is commendable that you are close to your family, but your household is your prime concern. Your family is not going to pick up the pieces when you go Rambo, you are.

It is easy for other people to make suggestions, but you are the one that has to follow through. Upto this point your wife wasn't bugging you, now, after a chat with your sister you can't stand your wife. Fucking easy to judge 1000 miles away. I've seen people pull the plug because of family and in the end they wallow alone in their misery.

The void is on you. Divorce is not going to take it away. You are not committing 100% because you second guess yourself the whole time.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why do you think it is that OP's family could not discuss their feelings about his wife with him? By his own admission, he had been distant from them since his teens. He doesn't know what he wants. He's sprinkling alpha, trying to justify his infidelity (no, I don't care about that).

What do you want, OP? Internet strangers to tell you whether to side with your family or your wife. Fuck off.

[–]wildnight98MRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Having heard their claims, I TOTALLY see what they’re talking about. I guess I’ve grown accustomed to it and I stopped seeing the issue they brought up. Now that I’m home and quietly observing, I see everything here talking about.

You mean you left your wife's frame for your family's frame? What's your frame?

[–]pathetic190 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How dumb is your wife that her parents don't want to see her for being unintelligent...

[–]PeggedByOwlette0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I got Perma banned on the main sub today for speaking my mind about this. I'll try and use more libral language here so we don't have to set up a "safe space" for any of the guys who's feelings get hurt.

You need to come clean about the decisions YOU have made in regards to stepping out of your marriage.

The majority of us think marriage is an abomination to man, we all entered into these marriage agreements when we were different versions of ourselves. it sucks, I know.

The first part of a red pill marriage is owning your decisions. If you can't stand by the choices you make how could you be a captain.

It's like in the gym, the exercises you Don't want to do are usually the ones you should be doing. Think core, everyone neglects that, or legs, people skip leg day, or face pulls, or glute hem bridge.

I recently read the book the art of not giving a fuck and one of he main statements made is the most value is usually derived from the negative experience in life. That's where the growth is.

You should own your shit to your wife. One of the mods in /r/marriedredpill linked to a thread about cheating. The top post was from a guy who was a serial cheater. In the end, he was living the life of his dreams but it was a rockey ride getting there.

I'll link it one sec.

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/6vyqt8/cheating_means_you_are_a_beta_faggot

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I got Perma banned on the main sub

No, you got a 7-day temp ban. Do try to keep up. Guess I'm the one behind. You continued to hamster and did indeed earn a perma-ban.

You need to come clean about the decisions YOU have made in regards to stepping out of your marriage.

This is why you were told you were moralizing on MRP. You're not moralizing about the decisions people make, you're moralizing about whether or not they "come clean" about their decisions. In other words, you've adopted "honesty is always the best policy" and you expect everyone else to do so as well.

If you're going to hold that view (that lying about cheating is bad) then you need to offer some arguments that tie that view into Rule 0. Make sense?

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I step out every couple of years to fill the void that I perceive has always existed.

Have you tried filling the "void" in the marriage before going out of the marriage?

they view my wife as unintelligent, socially awkward, ungrateful

I smell a male hamster running at top speed to justify himself. This is called "response bias."

Now that I’m home and quietly observing, I see everything here talking about. I’m infuriated.

Do you get that was when you took the Red Pill? It can go down easy or a substantially larger Red Pill suppository can be used.

Are you really mad at your wife or could there be another player at fault in this very unfunny sitcom?



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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