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Line between being the oak and the punching bag

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January 26, 2018

Background: Wife is pregnant. Married 8 years. 2.5 year old child. Both early 30s. Read NMMNG and The Way of the Superior Male. Currently reading BPP's ebook. I'm 5'9 190#, getting stronger. Lift/sprint work 5x per week.

My question is this. With my wife's pregnancy, I am encountering very extreme shit tests.

"I hate you" "We should divorce" And worst to me..."I don't think you should be at our sons birth."

I STFU, sometimes AA but that turns from shit test to shit storm.

I understand she's pregnant so I'm trying to play the nice card but I feel it's also a cop out. She doesn't treat anyone else like this.

My question is this: does being oak mean we are always stoic and do not set boundaries at some point? If I STFU I don't feel like I'm setting acceptable boundaries for the future.

Edit: Her saying she hated me was in response to my AA after her ST. During one ST I just lightly smiled and STFU and she said she hated me.

Second edit: We started having problems around first of last year. We went to counseling with a lady I actually still think was good for my wife. She challenged my wife's perspective. We got to a good place, and wife asked me if we could try for a baby. Three months of great baby making sex later, she's pregnant.

Post Information
Title Line between being the oak and the punching bag
Author JitsuBrad
Upvotes 9
Comments 27
Date 26 January 2018 04:59 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204893
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7t5vl0/line_between_being_the_oak_and_the_punching_bag/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
shit testliftNMMNG

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

The only proper response is:

"No, I do not think you should be at his birth."

Then walk away and go to the gym.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

When you internalize being the oak you cease to see anything as punches.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

So much literal truth to this statement. If you have ever tried to push over even a medium size oak tree with a bulldozer ((D6) the tree does not move. The roots have to be cut out deeply before it can be toppled.

[–]dcapt464 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Hormones definitely but we need context as to when she drops these bombs. Is it just any time you annoy her? How well do you captain? Do you OYS?

Do you have any boundaries? I put a boundary down about the divorce threat and that threat stopped. But she believes that I mean it. Wife claims she is 'flying to Paris' every time things get hard and she gets overwhelmed. Early on I just STFU and inside I was upset but over time my mindset has shifted to if you go don't come back and I know she is joking. Now I can A&A. Bring me back a croissant!

If she drops "I hate you" I would ignore or laugh about it and then be busy. Not in a running out the door in a butt hurt way but do whatever you need to do. And find activities to make yourself scarce until she is more pleasant to be around. A good boundary to start with could be "I will be at our sons birth. It is important to me." What is she going to do Nuke the relationship over this? She would be seen as a really lousy mother for this so it would never happen. Easy place to show backbone.

How long have you been lifting? What are some numbers?

[–]JitsuBrad[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

"How well do you captain"

Financial house is in order, over 1m/yr, I'm well respected in my industry and by community leaders. I'm patriarch over my side of the family over my father and sister. On the bad side, I don't get to household repairs in a timely manner and have been depressed off and on since losing my grandmother who raised me back in may.

"Do you have any boundaries "

My main boundary is no fighting in front of my daughter. If wife instigates fighting in front of my girl, I immediately leave the house.

Squat and deadlift 315, bench 255.

[–]dcapt461 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What does Patriarch mean (to you)? Oldest male?

So if you want me to be harsh. You sound like a fit beta provider that lifts. Does she trust you? Integrity? Follow through on what you say you will do? Why is she so angry/despises you? Video games? Porn? No respect because of the depression?

Don't tell me no, no, no. You find the one that fits even if I didn't list it. What do you need to do better. Remember this is about you not her.

[–]JitsuBrad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

To me, the patriarch is the trusted leader. I'm definitely that for my family. I'm mentoring my father and sister from a financial perspective and I'm always the one called to give advice over problems.

"Does she trust you"

No she doesn't. She tries to go through my email/phone. I have never done anything to circumvent the trust IMO.

No video games or porn.

I hide the depression well. I feel "old black dog" about a week per month.

What can I do better? I can definitely be more present when I'm with family. I can drink less; I have 2-3 cocktails twice per week.

Her family agrees that I'm a great husband and father.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Why does she "hate you"? Example please? She sounds cunty.

[–]JitsuBrad[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

The specific times of her saying "I hate you" were in response to my AA over her ST. I can give the backstory but it'll leave you scratching your head for sure.

[–]dcapt466 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like you need to be more fun. A&A is happy, joking, silly laughing, everyone comes out with a grin. If your A&A is sarcastic or biting best you can hope for is a groan and if you are not in a good place to begin with .... that is why you get I hate you.

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The more backstory you provide, the better the advice will be. You should also edit your post with all of those details, so everyone can see it.

[–]Reach180Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Not "What were you doing when she said I hate you"

Does she actually not like you? Did she hate you before she got pregnant? Do you have a clue as to why?

I'm well aware of how nutty women, especially pregnant ones, can be. And her hating you for no reason isn't outside the realm of possibility. But we need to kind of establish if she's a psychopath who hates you for an awkward joke, or if there's a little more to it.

Because all you've given us here is that you don't do home repairs in a timely manner. Sidebar reading done? Are you Nice Guy? Are you a good house flipper, or one who leaves her constantly wondering if you're going to lose your house?

Are you doing anything to address your depression?

[–]JitsuBrad[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm riding the hormonal wave. I get home today and I pick my little girl up and twirl her around, and wife comes up to me. I pick her up and twirl her around too...and she's all kissy. This is after her saying I can't come to the birth of our second child just this morning.

I'm a recovering nice guy. Pretty darn good real estate investor. I can't imagine my wife worrying financially.

I'm doing some active strategies to help with grief and depression.

[–]Reach180Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm riding the hormonal wave.

All the more important to be the rock. Just the tone of your post here sounds like you're happy with the wave being high now. You are following. "Phew, we get to be happy again".

Don't pretend this is just pregnancy. You "found RP 4 months ago". Not typically something a married guy finds unprompted. You're in marriage counseling. You take pride in your caretaking ("Patriarch"). There's a lot going on here.

Can you confirm you've read the sidebar books?

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I had massive shit tests and testing during my wife's pregnancy. It was literally like she was a different person. She went back to normal afterward.

[–]JitsuBrad[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Bless you. Lol gives me hope.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My normal well-adjusted wife also threatened divorce during pregnancy during a wild swing of her hormones. Later she confided in me that she had no idea what was going on, and that she was just SO mad. Different person, I tell ya.

Granted, you should still establish boundaries and so forth, but also understand that they're not in their right mind.

[–]average_dudereino0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

And continued during BF as well for me.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

"I hate you" "We should divorce" And worst to me..."I don't think you should be at our sons birth."

What is in your life that you would you let your wife speak to you like that? Do you think language like that is appropriate behavior to model for your baby? Could you have calmly corrected and reminded her that we do not talk to each other like that in this family?

She doesn't treat anyone else like this.

Why do you think that is?

[–]milkywayer0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How would you handle if she continues this behavior in the future or just challenges you saying she'll say it because she feels like it?

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Refusing to accept certain words means that you put a stop to it by requiring it to stop. If the wife is going to use words like that and then refused to stop when you demand that she stop then I would leave the house and collect 4-5 phone numbers from young hot girls.

Then I would probably not say a word to her for a week or more. I would even consider an ultimatum to force her to reconsider words like this. "I hate you" or the "D" word should never, ever be spoken by married couples.

If you set a clear and reasonable boundary like this and the wife continues to violate it after 1-2 calm exhortations to stop then there is only one possible solution- find a wife who does not violate your reasonable boundaries.

In a normal relationship this rarely happens. Most people appreciate reasonable boundaries. Most women view reasonable boundaries as something that makes them feel safe just as most view a man with no boundaries with undisguised contempt.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would follow BPP's advice in the book, and would definitely play the nice card until the birth of your son.

At some point, though, you will have to set some Boundaries. In the meantime, get busier so you are not around her as much. Not avoiding her, but busy doing actual things of value.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Like others have said, you haven’t given us enough context. How was your relationship before pregnancy? Also, your A&A probably sucks and timed wrong, thus the bad response.

Lift numbers? Sidebar progress?

We need more info....

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

WISNIFG - it's a sidebar prerequisite.

Separate issue - AA is part of cocky-funny. You're missing the funny part, which is much more important when she's hormonal.

[–]lasttuesdaystacosGuns of Ramborone0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

this is eerily similar to my situation. I made two posts on askmrp describing my trials recently.

eventually she always comes around. my strategy at best right now is to weather storms until point b, where her hormones bring her back to apologetic and kind.

is AA and stfu best? maybe sometimes. it doesn't matter what I do in the end though. with pregnancy you're dealing with a new person and need to find tactics that cause the least harm.

if she wasn't pregnant I'd be gone for some of the shit she's pulled. sometimes it's hard not see several days of interactions in a row as lose lose. for my part in maintaining long view and using it as an epic test of emotional strengthening. that's the win if you pursue it.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I cannot understand your mishmash of shit.

You get into counseling with a wife you are having problems with, she gets pregnant and she becomes cunty only to you.

Well, excuse me as wipe the puke from my chin.

You are weak and living a complete fiucking lie. Your stat boasting of well respected means shit. Shit. You know why ?

Because you don’t respect her or yourself.

Somewhere in this web of bullshit lies the truth. But, until you face the facts of your failures, good luck.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"I hate you!"

"You should." pokes her belly

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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