[FR] Six months of work and DL4 issues
I realized this past June I was losing the power dynamic in my 3 year marriage. I had become soft, complacent, and boring. Wife was getting attention from Chads at work. She was beginning to act disrespectful towards me. I Googled "power in marriage" and found MRP. Everything here immediately clicked and I went to work. I've read the sidebar, some of it twice. Have not missed a trip to the Iron Temple due to laziness. I've done over 18,000 push ups since reading TFA's 31 Days to Masculinity. I am actively working on my MAP.
I went too fast too early and scared the cat in a big way. Had to pull back a time or two to provide enough Comfort so she could feel trusting toward me. For a brief time I was jealous as fuck but managed it and let the past go (for the most part - I'm still trying to kill my ego protection). Also about 60 days ago I realized that I wasn't doing the work soley for me. I had a covert contract lurking that said if I got my shit together she would want to fuck me more; because of that I also didn't have real OI.
The last couple of months I've come a long way, correcting those psychological aspects. I've found a decent balance between gaming her & having fun with drive-bys, and reducing the amount of touchy feely & sexual neediness toward her. My frame is coming together, although it's made of inferior materials at this point. One of the things I realized I wanted was connection with her at bedtime and during the night. Yes of course I'd love to fuck her instead, but baby steps. So I changed out from a split king bed that seemed like she was a mile away to a queen. Now when she comes to bed she faces toward me to talk instead of facing away and finger fucking her phone. I fall asleep most nights with "two points of contact" on her (inside joke) as opposed to a mile wide gulf of simmering hostility between us.
Wife is showing very nice improvements. She is deferential toward me, fun to be around, and is taking care of the house like never before. For example, she recently created a chore list, framed it and hung it along with a family month planner, and a dinner menu planner. She is doing the chores on a daily basis, planning meals and ingredients a week ahead. She is actually sticking with it and being consistent. She seeks my approval now - I've told her that I'm pleased with her initiative, and that she's doing a great job.
In the last few weeks wife says to me that she likes my improving body and that she's attracted to me (see my recent OYS posts). Last night in bed she mentioned my shoulders, that they were getting nicely defined. She's been dressing better, paying attention to her carb intake, and taking her vitamin supplements. Feels like the 1000 foot rope is beginning to tighten.
This brings me to DL4 and recent events. I just began the process of incorporating BPP's method of reducing my time and attention, and possibly affection and presence, for sexual denials on Dec 15th; I wanted to proceed slowly here. Saturday evening rolls around and it had been 5 days since the last sex, duty sex that I actually walked away from. Before that it was 10 days, duty sex then too. The quantity and quality are definitely lacking. Shark week was any day now (thanks FLO app), I didn't want to wait 4 or 5 more days. I initiated on the couch and she denied me saying "it's only been a few days".
I might've hung around a bit longer on the couch but instead got up right away and withdrew to another room for an hour or so until bedtime. I kissed her on the forehead and rolled over to sleep. I was fed up with the frequent denials and I showed it more than I have in the past two months. Next day (yesterday) I have to be away for most of the day, planning to leave the house at 9:30 am. She's wakes up and isn't friendly but follows through on her promise from the evening before to make breakfast. My scoreboard is reset every day so I'm friendly and easygoing and break her out of her hard shell and we have a pleasant morning. Just before I leave she brings the issue of last night and sex out into the open so I tell her: "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed that you don't want to have sex with me." (this is almost verbatim from BPP's book)
I gave her a brotherly kiss then left the house and for most of the day she blew up my phone, her hamster was working hard. I ignored the texts and did not reply at all. I got home about 3 pm. By then the hamster was worn out and she was respectful and demure. We had a nice evening together at home. At bedtime in the bed she is softly crying tears and says "I hope you want me and nobody else; I'm worried that I won't be the girl for you. I'm afraid you'll want someone else." I reassured her, wiped her tears away for a few minutes, kissed her on the forehead and we fell asleep.
I'm not in any rush to push the issue, I'm trying to play the long game. But this morning she brings it up again. That she does all these things (keeping a nice house, cooking, loving my children, keeping things I like on hand, washing and folding my clothes, etc.) to show me how much she loves me - "Why can't that be enough for you?" she asks. She's partially right, in all those ways she's a very good wife now.
I said to her "My marriage has three parts. You're a good friend, and a good helper. I also need my wife to be my lover."
She left for work and immediately started texting me. Here are some of the things she's said, I'm hoping that y'all can help chart my next course of action:
"I will never meet your expectations. That's why I know I'm not the girl for you. I'm not the woman you want."
"Everything I do to show my love, appreciation, and devotion is not what you want."
"I'm not what you want anymore. You're trying to change me into whatever it is you are now... to whatever it is you want now... and I just don't speak that language."
I know I'm not the one you want anymore. I know it in my bones. And it sucks so bad."
It sucks the one person that's enough for me doesn't want who I am anymore."
"I was never enough for my mom... most of my friends... all of my past boyfriends. Now you change and decide I am not enough."