659,329 posts

I hate my wife...any hope trying to repair marriage?

by MD-MBA | December 26, 2017 | askMRP

16 upvotes

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I am early 50's and my wife is mid 40's. We have two kids who are now in college so I no longer worry about child support. For years we had a lousy marriage, she was a nag and we rarely had sex. I failed in some regards. I was out of shape and lacked frame a lot of DEERing an whatnot. However, I provided a great life for my wife and kids. Top .1% of income so my family never wanted for anything. I did feel that this entitled me to sex and respect. I do not care that she wasn't attracted to me. Just so long as I got sex and respect. However, she failed to uphold what I thought was a basic bargain.

Then, 2.5 years ago I get a heart attack. I recover and am in the best shape of my life. If you would have told me I would have a six pack in my 50's I'd have been floored. I also read up on stoicism to control my blood pressure and to be unaffected by outside actions. My frame and fitness massively improved and coincidentally so did my marriage. Then, I found the redpill a few months ago and I seemingly cannot shake this feeling of rage towards my wife. It's at the point where the joy of seeing her disappointed of being denied sex is far better than the sex itself. Sometimes my unkindness seeps out into the open. I effusively praised my brother's wife for what she made for Thanksgiving while ignoring my wife's subpar food because I know this digs at her.

So my question is, is there a way back from this? I wouldn't mind divorce. I'd lose about 25% of my money but no big deal as I have a lot. My kids are in college so no worries there. I could easily find a younger more beautiful woman. I almost see fighting for my marriage as chasing down someone who stole a rotten apple from me when I can go to the orchard and pick a new one. Would love to hear some advice on this especially from the older guys.


Post Information
Title I hate my wife...any hope trying to repair marriage?
Author MD-MBA
Upvotes 16
Comments 55
Date 26 December 2017 04:13 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205025
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7m5mpf/i_hate_my_wifeany_hope_trying_to_repair_marriage/
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Comments

[–]BobbyPeru13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

I hate my wife

Is this the question, the answer , or both?

Seriously though , you are in the anger phase. As a general rule, don’t make major decisions out of a very emotional state: do the work, get past the anger, and then make big decisions.

Get rid of that resentment- it will eat up up from the inside out.

[–]hystericalbonding9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

Top .1% of income so my family never wanted for anything. I did feel that this entitled me to sex and respect. I do not care that she wasn't attracted to me

I thought most MD's knew the difference between prostitutes and wives. And most MBA's would recognize that prostitutes are cheaper in your income bracket.

If you would have told me I would have a six pack in my 50's I'd have been floored

Pics or didn't happen.

It's at the point where the joy of seeing her disappointed of being denied sex is far better than the sex itself

NMMNG, WISNIFG, and Pook have ways to stop being passive aggressive. I'm not sure that they'll help you to stop being petty.

I'm not a country fan, but your whole post reminds me of the kind of guy who was offended by that Shania Twain song. When it comes to sex, she doesn't give a fuck how much money you make. Income is a barrier to entry, a cover charge, but not enough to get you laid regularly. She'll let the hot, fun guy with game skip the cover charge and let him in through the back door.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

in through the back door.

+1 for double entendre.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I thought most MD's knew the difference between prostitutes and wives. And most MBA's would recognize that prostitutes are cheaper in your income bracket.

you would be wrong

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I don't know how you do so much admin. I'd go nuts having to work with guys like OP.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

they are fun to work with. Predictable once you know what each one is after.

Admin is unavoidable when you are in charge of something.

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Admin is unavoidable when you are in charge of something.

I cut out a bunch of titled roles and leadership positions over the past three years - much happier managing a handful of areas that I care about.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

well yea. I don't do things I don't care about. Plus I am just starting

[–]screechhaterRed Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

One day you woke up and decided it was time to live your life, now you hate one of the better things that has stood by you as you watched life go by.

How about looking in the mirror and realize your hate is of yourself

[–]snatch_haggis13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

I seemingly cannot shake this feeling of rage towards my wife

You can and you will if you look further inward, to wit:

Top .1% of income so my family never wanted for anything. I did feel that this entitled me to sex and respect. I do not care that she wasn't attracted to me. Just so long as I got sex and respect.

If you found redpill a few months ago you didn't make it very far in your reading, friend.

What you describe there is a classic covert contract as talked about extensively in No More Mr Nice Guy.

You were also the classic entitled Beta Bux. You were unattractive, uninvested in your marriage, and you expected money to buy you love, sex, and affection.

That's not how it works.

That's not how any of this works.

You are at the very least 50% of the problem of what your marriage was like for the last 20 or more years.

Once you truly own that it will be easier to forgive your wife for her side of the equation.

My frame and fitness massively improved and coincidentally so did my marriage

Well you're half right. Physically, you started looking like an Alpha Fuck and not Beta Bux.

You say several times you have frame, though, but if you're passive aggressively or just plain old aggressively taking all these digs at her, you're living in her frame a lot more than you think.

You need to read this post on anger right now.

Truly having sense of self and frame means moving beyond anger because you don't need to prove anything to anyone and you don't give a fuck what they think or feel unless you choose to.

And you're not choosing this, because that's exactly the point of the post, that you can't get past the anger.

Turn it back on yourself, take ownership and look within.

I almost see fighting for my marriage as chasing down someone who stole a rotten apple from me when I can go to the orchard and pick a new one

Well, except you know, you're the one who helped make the apple so rotten.

I went through something similar to this where I got my shit together and became more attractive, and saw a lot of improvements in my marriage.

Once I went deeper down the rabbit hole things improved a lot more and I'm still on that path a little further every day. But I also sometimes ask myself, is all this work to fix up this old falling down house I built worth it when I could just start over?

For me, for right now, it is, and I choose to stay - my kids are still at home, I'm still attracted to my wife, and (perhaps this is a key difference) she has changed remarkably as I've stepped up my leadership. Things aren't perfect but they are better than they've been in perhaps 15 years.

I can't make that choice for you, though. As /u/BobbyPeru said, you're in the anger phase, and that's a stupid time to make a decision like this.

Let the anger pass, approach it calmly and rationally, and if you want my $.02, lighten up a bit. Pretend you are single now and your wife is someone you got fixed up with by a friend. Take her on a date in that mindset. Try her on for size with an open mind. You might be surprised.

If not, hey, do what makes sense for you, man.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

You were a weak pussy before, and you're still a weak pussy now. Cut the passive aggressive bullshit, man the fuck up and just make a decision. You sound like a catty bitch from the "mean girls" movie. After you purposely dug at your wife cooking, did you go into the bathroom with your boyfriends and gossip about the look on her face? Seriously dude, your ancestors killed saber tooth tigers with sticks and rocks and you're making passive aggressive comments about your wife's food. Sad!

I personally think you're in the anger phase, and like others have said, it's best not to make any big decisions until you get over it. I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of the true nature of male-female relationships. I mean, I honestly feel bad for your wife, having to deal with your unattractive beta hands grabbing all over her because you feel entitled because you make a lot of money. No body owes you sex and you're not entitled to shit, so get that idea out of your head. It sounds like you'd be better off just paying hookers to fuck you because you think your money makes you exempt from having to actually seduce women.

Either way, please cut out the butthurt behavior towards your wife. You're either man enough to leave her, or you're man enough to try and fix yourself and get your relationship back on track. This middle ground where you pout and act butthurt is the weakest shit I've ever heard in my life. There's too many weak men in this world already, please don't be another one of them.

[–]snatch_haggis2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Seriously dude, your ancestors killed saber tooth tigers with sticks and rocks and you're making passive aggressive comments about your wife's food.

Straight fire right there.

[–]platewrecked4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're reveling in hurting a woman that you claim has no appeal to you. You are wasting valuable minutes causing pain to a person that you seem to feel you owe no obligation. Why is what you do even a question? Unless there's more.

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Unless there's more.

There is always more, Always

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

The opposite of love is not hate. When your love turns to apathy think about leaving.

You got a new lease on life and she got older. Boo Hoo

You think she cheated you out of your negotiated desire. Nope you cheated yourself.

You are posting here. I assume you want someone to give you some words of wisdom that will make all of this easier for you.

Here it is. Decide what you want and do it.

Until you decide, you are wasting your time and mine.

[–]HB32342 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

What would motivate you to save your marriage? The only benefit of staying with her that you've mentioned is an ability to drink in schadenfreude as you snub her cooking and sex. You are not telling us everything.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like you want a divorce. Don’t torture her, do it nicely and move on with your life. You said you were an outta shape DEERing beta, don’t blame her for loosing attraction. The reality is you are probably more angry with yourself than her.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

So you arent Ditching her, why? Afraid to be alone?

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I bet if he had that 6 pack, he would not be posting

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Not there yet. Wondering if hes got an end goal, or is chasing feelings

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

just raging at his double degree and .1% lack of attractiveness.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I can brag about double degrees?

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

you can brag about anything you want.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hey Doc.

Your diagnosis is wrong

you aren't angry at her. You are angry at yourself for being a foolish asshole who thought his degree and money buy attraction.

That's not her fault. Its yours.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Top 0.1% income is over $1.6MM a year. Good for you.

Your still an idiot. If you had read anything around here you would know your wife would rather fuck a thug from the street corner. He would get her wetter than your $1.6MM does.

Go buy some escorts with your $1.6MM. You cost per lay and quality will be in a much better ratio.

Have fun getting divorce raped.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

What value does she bring to you?

[–]hystericalbonding4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

What value does he bring, other than a paycheck?

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The best plow horse. He got her 2 kids grown up and ready to go.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When will these dudes internalize you're never entitled to sex or respect, no matter how much money you make.

[–]straius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Drop the transactional mindset, it's not your wife's fault you made a stupid assumption that people work like spreadsheets. At least you've recognized the massive covert contract you silently kept for years even if you still can't accept your responsibility for it.

You'll have to deal with the same feminine nature with another woman of any age and you'll get just as much shit eventually from any of them. Likely even more from the younger ones with more options.

Bottom line, your wife stole nothing from you. You offered her your misery in a silent contract you never officially called due (nor talked about openly I bet). But now you have a few more points of SMV and you're ready to jump ship because you're having an adult tantrum.

So sure, you can rip the cord without dealing with your baggage, you can lose a bunch of money in the process, potentially create years of strife and drama between family and then tote that baggage right along with you into the next relationship. There will be a lot more shit to eat from that decision for years to come because you didn't do it right.

Or you can actually work on yourself and decide after you spend some time becoming more emotionally mature/stable what is actually best for you and act from a place of strength instead of this RP tantrum you're in the midst of.

Find an outlet for that anger that isn't your wife because in the end, no matter which way you go, you're just making both roads harder to travel. Lock your shit down and eat that watermelon turd you've been setting up for 20 years and then move on.

[–]redandswollen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I love it when other physicians show up here, thinking that just because we've achieved financial success and the respect and admiration of our peers, our wives will love and admire us. You're a smart guy. Start spending more than a half hour with her and you'll probably lose the rage.

[–]Soberskipper2 points3 points  (11 children) | Copy

Your w fucking faggot simple as that. Your a millionaire and are getting a kick out of bullying a 40 odd year old woman. Fucking faggot. Absolute faggot. No wonder the world is fucked if passive aggressive babies like yourself are holding the lions share. I hope you get divorce raped...and your children blast thier inheritance before you die.

[–]MD-MBA[S] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Well written and articulate. I can sense you success or rather lack thereof.

[–]Soberskipper4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

"at the point where the joy of seeing her been denied sex is better than the sex itself"...read that back and go look at yourself in the mirror. Seriously you sound like a woman. If you need some enjoyment in your life than go create some rather than mentally torturing your wife...BTW if your smv is so higher than hers and you don't like her then fuck her off. But I doubt you have the frame, outcome independence or balls. Merry Christmas motherfucker.

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Seriously you sound like a woman

It could very well be a woman trolling the sub.

[–]snatch_haggis1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're DEERing buddy. And failing a shit test.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

That's not deer.

[–]snatch_haggis0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Mea culpa. Edited. Was looking for something more articulate than "acting like a little bitch."

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Are you sure you actually used those degrees?

Ever manage anyone?

I mean, certainly you failed at managing yourself and your wife and possibly your children.

But please tell me you are not this bad at work?

[–]MD-MBA[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

My eldest son just received his medical school acceptance so my children are well managed my income speaks for how well I manage at work.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

received his medical school acceptance so my children are well manage

say that to someone who has not gone through med school and does not know what gets accepted. Also, income is nice, but somehow you could not figure out how to manage one woman?

what??

Are you the kind of man who can not see through a few rough words to know when to actually listen for the thing that might help you?

Or are you a passive aggressive prick?

maybe that's why your wife did not want to fuck you?

your standards of "good" and "well managed" were wrong.

how do I know?

you came here.

[–]Senor_Martillo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is "success" all your money? Your advanced degree? If you're so successful why are you here asking for advice?

[–]AquitasVeritas1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do whatever the fuck you want to do hot shot.

Want to save the marriage? Don't be butthurt. Read the sidebar again.

You want to leave? Do it.

Only you can decide..

[–]chachaChad1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I get this becuase I’m in a very similar position. One thing I realized was that I had to work on my behavior and my anger towards the wife otherwise I’ll just repeat the exact same pattern with any new wife.

I got myself into therapy and dug really deep to figure out that my anger towards women comes from when I saw my Mom cheat on my Dad and destroy the family. Since then, I’ve had an unresolved issues with women. Been working on that and just had the absolute best holidays we’ve ever had as a family together. I let that anger eat me up. It’s nice to be able to put it down.

Get into therapy. Understand exactly why you’re angry and what needs to be done to resolve it. Learn what your part is and what hers is. I would suggest putting effort into yourself first without getting too caught up in the outcome.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Take a read of: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3tromi/recent_and_distant_past_possible_infidelity_just/cx8xf24/

The key line is: "But this whole "life turnaround" thing you did, you don't get extra points for it."

So you recover, are in the best shape of your life, wah wah wah. So what. You don't get extra points for it. Do you think that your six pack makes up for your lack of being in shape prior, your lack of frame, your constant DEERing... for years?

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/45v64p/the_trope_of_the_beta_male_married_husband/ <-- So you think that it's all your wife's fault? Read this. Perhaps the fact that you didn't get sex and respect wasn't actually your wife's fault at all. Perhaps it was your own fault.

You need to kill your ego, and go back to the beginning. The reason why you are angry is not because of your wife, it's because of your own failures.

Suck it up. Residency has nothing on MRP. Get back to work and lose your anger. And if you sit there, angry, ready to make a dig, you might want to instead try reflecting on how you got to that point, and what changes you can make to yourself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You hate her which means you care. More like you hate yourself for deciding to eat the opportunity cost. Get a mistress and avoid all the work of fixing yourself. It’s easier, honest, and perfectly transactional.

[–]bigOlBeta0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Cool. Challenge yourself. Put your penis in something you never thought you could

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I provided a great life for my wife and kids. Top .1% of income so my family never wanted for anything. I did feel that this entitled me to sex and respect.

What you need is seeking arrangements. You sound like the makings of a very good Sugar Daddy. I bet you could take care of a teenage Baby very nicely.

found the redpill a few months ago and I seemingly cannot shake this feeling of rage towards my wife. It's at the point where the joy of seeing her disappointed of being denied sex is far better than the sex itself.

Sounds cruel but turnabout is fair play. If you do this to your wife several thousand more times maybe you will get within a few decimal places of "even."

That's the goal right? To get even?

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The person that values the relationship more always has less power. Even now, you're putting value on something you see as a lost cause. Why?

You're not entitled to anything in this life, but the air you steal everyday!

You have provided the effect, but the cause is missing. Was she a trophy wife in the beginning, did she support you while you became the top 1%? Run the house while you were working? Raising your children? This was the negotiated transaction. You make the money, she keeps the home! Your dick was never part of the transaction. She would rather fuck the tatted up, drug using guy that cleans your pool on a pile of your money. Imagine after pulling your 16 hour day at the hospital and before you got to eat dinner you had to eat at the "Y". Sound fair? I didn't think so.

Can you blame her for what she has become? She is a direct reflection of you. You put all the work into your providership and in the process became someone nobody wanted to fuck. In turn she never wanted to fuck you! Now you flip the script after she has gotten comfortable for 2 decades and get all butthurt when the only thing she has ever known fails to change.

First things first, kill your ego! It is a lot harder to do for you due to the over validation and premium ass kissing you've become accustomed to over the years. Women do not care about your money! As someone else said it's the entry fee that gets you in the door.

You should be having fun with your wife, if you hate her so much change her into something you want by becoming someone she'd do anything to keep.

You're still wrapped up in emotions that should of been gone by now, focusing on maxing out the last 10-12 years of vitality left. That age barrier is coming on fast, regardless of how well you look and how much money you have, an in shape 65 yr old man's access to young pussy(non rentals) goes away. Put to use what time you do have left, changing what you can, ignoring what you can't and living the life your 30 yr old self always wanted.

[–]imdar3ald3al0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would go to a foreign country on "business" and get mad bitches. Get some side chicks. Relive your youth. You took care of your responsibilities with raising kids and providing for your wife

[–]throwawaynumber8560 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Why are you here? What do you want?



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