Previous post: Wife addicted to weaponized sex; impending divorce
Recap: wife kept weaponizing sex even after DL 10, we agreed on a ~3 week time to reconsider
TL;DR: I ended it, told the children we're separating
I asked for any last minute tips in my previous post. I went with a solution where I both upped the comfort in the form of more mindful family time and attention for her, but made it clear that sex is non-negotiable for me.
We had sex twice and I got a period blowjob (that I had to ask for), but once the deadline came she said she needs time and we need to hold off on sex because she can't do it, when she doesn't feel "emotionally connected". And we need to "work on the relationship".
That was a hard boundary for me at this point, so I told her about what comes next in terms of divorce logistics and that we need to tell the children. She wants to turn this into some sort of trial separation, but after this long, I find that idea surreal.
I considered it likely that this would happen. I do think she's addicted to weaponizing sex. My current reading of our history right now that she accumulated her indignation for months and years and made me responsible for not untangling them without making any of them explicit. Much like a female Nice Guy's covert contract: "I expect you to do something. But I won't tell you about it, because you should know, but I'll get pissed, turn self victimization to 11 and go ice queen if you don't do it." So from my perspective, she would start randomly crying for half a day in the middle of the coolest vacation because of sth I might have done months before (that she can't explain in words btw).
After 2 years of therapy this was still a thing. I couldn't fix her feelz for her.
And/or I wasn't ripped enough.
Telling my 11 yo daughter that we're separating was the hardest fucking thing in my life. I'm not proud of it, but seeing what it did to my daughter wrecked me mentally. I might have to swallow my pride and consider finding a therapist to deal with this myself. I can't afford this to affect my job performance right now.
I'm looking for an apartment in the area. It's a very tough market and it looks like I'm going to need a temporary solution before I find a decent one. I'm moving out end of next week in any case. (We rent, so moving out is not as a huge deal in terms of divorce as a house would be.)
Gym time was one highlight in the past weeks, 3x a week, every week, sticking to the schedule to the minute. Changed the routine and no new injuries (so far). Dialed in the diet too.
Making my way through the divorce and building up my new life as a coparenting dad is my new big project. Any good pointers on post-divorce parenting are welcome.