709,179 posts

Update: "Wife addicted to weaponized sex"

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November 27, 2017
20 upvotes

Previous post: Wife addicted to weaponized sex; impending divorce

Recap: wife kept weaponizing sex even after DL 10, we agreed on a ~3 week time to reconsider

TL;DR: I ended it, told the children we're separating

I asked for any last minute tips in my previous post. I went with a solution where I both upped the comfort in the form of more mindful family time and attention for her, but made it clear that sex is non-negotiable for me.

We had sex twice and I got a period blowjob (that I had to ask for), but once the deadline came she said she needs time and we need to hold off on sex because she can't do it, when she doesn't feel "emotionally connected". And we need to "work on the relationship".

That was a hard boundary for me at this point, so I told her about what comes next in terms of divorce logistics and that we need to tell the children. She wants to turn this into some sort of trial separation, but after this long, I find that idea surreal.

I considered it likely that this would happen. I do think she's addicted to weaponizing sex. My current reading of our history right now that she accumulated her indignation for months and years and made me responsible for not untangling them without making any of them explicit. Much like a female Nice Guy's covert contract: "I expect you to do something. But I won't tell you about it, because you should know, but I'll get pissed, turn self victimization to 11 and go ice queen if you don't do it." So from my perspective, she would start randomly crying for half a day in the middle of the coolest vacation because of sth I might have done months before (that she can't explain in words btw).

After 2 years of therapy this was still a thing. I couldn't fix her feelz for her.

And/or I wasn't ripped enough.

Telling my 11 yo daughter that we're separating was the hardest fucking thing in my life. I'm not proud of it, but seeing what it did to my daughter wrecked me mentally. I might have to swallow my pride and consider finding a therapist to deal with this myself. I can't afford this to affect my job performance right now.

I'm looking for an apartment in the area. It's a very tough market and it looks like I'm going to need a temporary solution before I find a decent one. I'm moving out end of next week in any case. (We rent, so moving out is not as a huge deal in terms of divorce as a house would be.)

Gym time was one highlight in the past weeks, 3x a week, every week, sticking to the schedule to the minute. Changed the routine and no new injuries (so far). Dialed in the diet too.

Making my way through the divorce and building up my new life as a coparenting dad is my new big project. Any good pointers on post-divorce parenting are welcome.


Post Information
Title Update: "Wife addicted to weaponized sex"
Author herp_a_merp
Upvotes 20
Comments 63
Date 27 November 2017 06:28 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205119
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7ft78c/update_wife_addicted_to_weaponized_sex/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
covert contract
Comments

[–]BobbyPeru20 points21 points  (3 children) | Copy

Any good pointers on post-divorce parenting are welcome.

1) Keep focusing on being the best version of yourself

Sidebar, lift... etc.

2) Always do what’s best for the kids

It’s very easy to convince yourself you’re doing things for the kids while using them as a pawn against your ex. Always keep that thought conscious.

3) Remember you can only control yourself

Your ex will do things you don’t approve of and she will intentionally do things to piss you off. Stay focused on being the best you and what’s best for your kids.

See number 2

4) Choose your battles wisely

See number 3

5) Never talk bad about your ex within earshot of your kids

It only hurts the kids

6) Promote a cooperative co-parenting environment

If she’s not a willing cooperative co-parent see number 3

Basically, focus on your home being peaceful and conducive to your kid’s happiness, growth, and success.

Did I mention see number 3 yet?

[–]herp_a_merp[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Appreciated. Thanks.

[–]mountainbiker1784 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You'll get through this and end up being better than ever. I divorced a year ago and beat myself up for waiting as long as I did because life is so much better now. Listen to the advice here. Kids are tough and will bounce back as long as you remain a rock. Be the best you and everything else will fall in line.

[–]albus_scirocco2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is great stuff, but I would add: no relationships for at least 18 months. This is time to focus on fixing/improving you. Spin plates all you want, but next them at the first hint of anything that resembles a relationship.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

The dread ladder is at its' heart a decision engine.

The reason to progress through the dread levels is to determine if you, the man, are at fault for your own situation by becoming a complacent fat beta slob that no woman in her right mind would want to fuck.

Because we usually are. (Cue Disney theme music.)

However, at the end of the road, when we can truly say we've done everything possible to ensure we are the best motherfucker she's ever been with...

then there's only one other brightly shining possibility...

If it's not you...

It's her.

Not surprising really... most of us entered our relationships with our eyes firmly glued shut, believing we'd found a unicorn who , if we could only treat her right enough, all our dreams would come true....

<record scratch>

Fuck that. Women are broken as much, if not more, than men are. Chances are your decisionmaking skills were not as honed back then as they are now.

Not surprising that you might have picked a defective girl, because you didn't know what that was back then.

Dread... fix you. Now that you know it's not you... well, it's her. Bye, Felicia.

Enjoy the rest of you life, OP.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret13 points14 points  (14 children) | Copy

The emotionally connected comment is merely a method of control. It's a magical checklist of things you will never truly know. And you have to pay attention because the requirements will change. My suggestion to any man facing this comment is to ignore it immediately and realize you are facing a daunting task. Your shrew is rooted in her ego and feminist ideals. It'll be hard to change it unless you not only hammer the gas down but put your foot though the fucking floor.

Your story is similar to mine. Started day one and I was too stupid to see it. Now it's just become a joke. The reasons I stayed this long were to keep the path as MRP defined it. Trust the process right?

At DL11 and made the call this weekend to end it.

DL12 won't solve it.

[–]FlyingSexistPig0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy

My response to the "I don't feel emotionally connected to you" is to end it as quickly as you can. Clearly she was connected to you, and that's why you got together in the first place. What changed? It wasn't you. She's just fucked in her head.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy

What changed? It wasn't you. She's just fucked in her head.

There were a lot of changes. Slow progression based on what a lot of men get caught in. Amazing sex while dating then the sudden rapid stop....then forever chasing the pussy.

Her fucked in the head?

Probably. In fact most likely. Thing is though men today think they should be honorable and never look at other women. That they should be focused on the one.

Now I am not going to say don't be loyal to the girl you choose, assuming plating isn't your thing (It isn't mine). What I am going to say is that you need to be clear that women are like that. The things my shrew would do, say, and come up with I have learned were/are depisciable and nothing more then narcissistic control.

I've also learned my shrew is what they call a "Closet Narcissist". An interesting thought...is the "emotionally connected" line reserved for women that lean more towards the narcissistic disorder (as compared to just being selfish).

Any case, doesn't matter. I made my decisions she made hers. I corrected and will correct mine.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen2 points3 points  (11 children) | Copy

I've also learned my shrew is what they call a "Closet Narcissist". An interesting thought...is the "emotionally connected" line reserved for women that lean more towards the narcissistic disorder (as compared to just being selfish).

Is your STBX a closet narcissist or a covert narcissist ?

Your situation smells of covert narcissism from every angle. She was testing you to see if you are still a good narcissistic supply.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret3 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy

covert narcissism

That's the term. Blanked while writing it and went with closet.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy

covert narcissism

dude. that just diagnosed mine.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

I felt the same way when I learned about covert narcissism.

Game changer.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

There are a ton of resources about narcissism on Youtube. If she is a narcissist, chances are you are codependent. You have some learning and healing ahead of you.

My ex is a covert narcissist. I just went through this process. PM me if you have questions.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

chances are you are codependent.

It's a fair point but the marriage was marked by arguments and frequent fights. My beta days mimicked alpha behavior in that I would, as an example, come home when I wanted but as a passive aggressive response. Those ties I would goof off. I would stop by a park and take a nap....ugh. The behavior was appalling. Before know of RP i was LARPing the behavior. Hence why I know the behavior is exactly the same but it's mindset, intent that matters.

I wasted so much time in those years. Time I now use to push my mission forward and create a better life. Not time I would use in childish or lazy ass pursuits.

I am interested in what makes up a narcissist. Doesn't always seem to fit every dynamic. I hesitate to jump on this, but the evidence mounts. Mainly I feel that reading a webpage list of traits ins't a true diagnosis but like i said...evidence mounts.

I find that RP men are all too quick to throw out "she's narcissist" just as quickly as "next the bitch".

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Look past the specifics. Dependant and narcissist is the spectrum, only difference is the levels are healthy, or not healthy.

When RP writes about frame, it's essentially talking about this spectrum. The fights were just how they would manifest. 2 narcissists can't co exist for any length of time. 2 dependents are just lost (see, lesbian bed death). Everything else is a jockeying for position.

There's a reason it's always thrown out. Narcissism and BPD are extreme versions of male-female personality traits, and when borderlines don't have a narcissist to attach their identity to, they create their own narcissism. hence, women becoming men, because strong men no longer exist (read: closet narcissists and men developing borderline qualities).

I haven't gotten enough together on the subject to speak of it well, but it's seriously there...

[–]ImSteveMcQueen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is narcissism the personality trait, ie vanity, and then there is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NPDs HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL. They cannot tolerate anyone else being better/stronger/faster than them. When you up the dread with someone who is vain, they think great, my husband is hot. When you up the dread with someone who is NPD, they go nuts because they are losing control of their partner.

NPDs display red flags fairly early in the relationship. A normal person won't get into a relationship with an NPD because they make terrible partners. Only codependents are "blind" enough to put up with an NPD person.

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Pretty sure this just diagnosed my wife as well...

Fuck, I'm screwed...

[–]FlyingSexistPig5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

"She wants to turn this into some sort of trial separation..."

It is clear that she wants to see if she can get a better guy. When last she was on the dating scene, there were lots of tall guys who were in shape and wanted to buy whatever she was selling. Her dream is that there's still one or more of these guys out there. So she's going to branch swing up during the trial separation. If it doesn't work out, she can always just settle for you.

What she doesn't realize is that her goods have expired and that the kind of guy she is looking for is looking for the girl she was 20 years ago. All the guys who are not married in her desirable age range are totally fed up with her brand of bullshit and much more interested in something younger, tighter, and less drama driven.

So, advice moving forward. GET A GOOD LAWYER. There are lots of really bad lawyers out there who just want to settle and not go to trial. They will take your retainer, bill you for hours spent reading email, do nothing, and when you want them to do something, they will withdraw from the case.

Don't rub your ex's nose in your good life. Focus on your daughter.

[–]drty_prRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It is clear that she wants to see if she can get a better guy. When last she was on the dating scene, there were lots of tall guys who were in shape and wanted to buy whatever she was selling. Her dream is that there's still one or more of these guys out there. So she's going to branch swing up during the trial separation. If it doesn't work out, she can always just settle for you.

This can't be stated enough. Hypergamy is what it is. It's an unpleasant truth for a man who hasn't spent a good year of his life really processing this information, but a truth he must accept. Especially now that shit is getting real.

OP, everything this pig has said is exactly what you should do.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

She wants to turn this into some sort of trial separation, but after this long, I find that idea surreal.

You need to steal your resolve and use whatever tactic you have available to you. I suggest using Law 22 the surrender tactic. Give her what she wants.

"Sure, let's use this as a trial separation. We'll draw up divorce papers and if we have to we can always undo them. We should even try going to couples therapy after."

Then do everything you can to get 50/50 child care and no alimony.

She wants a way to save face in front, likely to save face in social pressure. She can tell her girlfriends and mom "We tried!".

Your goal is to use whatever strategy you can to get the best outcome for you. Period. Don't play honorably, play to win.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

why does everyone go for 50 50? Wouldn't it be more prudent going for 100%?

Haven't seen anyone good at negotiation suggest starting from your minimum best outcome. Always aim high, walk it back when offered something of value

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. I'm thinking of end goal.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Depends on where you live..at least here in the US.

Each state hell each county and municipality FUCK even Judge have their own views on the subject. The advice I was given was find a lawyer. Form a plan, then find out the judge and adjust from there.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't play honorably, play to win.

This should be the motto of MRP. Maybe that would stave off moralizers...

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Honor and dignity in an empty bucket is worth the bucket.

[–]wildnight98MRP APPROVED3 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy

we need to hold off on sex because she can't do it, when she doesn't feel "emotionally connected".

Ugh. This is depressing. I've been hearing the same dumb excuse for the last few years while I've been white-knighting it like crazy (pre-RP). Plus mine's a women's studies major from college... (rookie mistake)

What drives me crazy about the "emotionally connected" excuse is its failure to explain one-night stands, impulsive bar liaisons and spring break f!cks that the hamster can rationalize away in milliseconds.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Womaneese - The correct collection of words to elicit the desired action from a man. While the truth is nice to have, is not neccisary in order to achieve

Emotionally Connected - Don't touch me.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

She wants to turn this into some sort of trial separation

Typical. She doesn't have her monkey paw on the next branch so she wants to keep a firm hand on the first branch.

After 2 years of therapy this was still a thing. I couldn't fix her feelz for her.

And/or I wasn't ripped enough.

Sure, ask Brad Pitt how being ripped helped him with Angelina. Getting ripped helps a LOT. It is not the final solution, however.

I might have to swallow my pride and consider finding a therapist to deal with this myself.

There is nothing wrong with this. Divorce is one of the hardest things a man does in his entire life.

I'm looking for an apartment in the area.

Whey are YOU moving out of your home? This makes no sense. Move into the basement if you must but don't leave your home. I would put the rent into a secret account until the court orders you to move........

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

BTW, be prepared for a shit storm when you get a girlfriend. Suddenly the wife will want to fuck all the time and the sexual passive aggressive games will magically disappear.

It's a little to little it's a little to late.

I'm a little to hurt and theres nothing more that I have to say.

[–]AustralianArm4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Rule 1) Don't weaponise the kids against the ex.

Rule 2) See Rule 1

[–]wekacuck2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. I hope OP didn't tell his daughter because he's unable to (or avoiding) making it clear to his wife. Personally, I think the transition to divorced should be announced to the kids "as a team".

[–]snatch_haggis0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Amen brother. My MIL did that and it righteously fucked up her kids, including the one I married.

The research shows that kids from amicable divorces with caring parents turn out just fine. Stick them in the middle of a warzone and it's a different story.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

The bad news is you do not control whether or not it's amicable. Takes two to decide to have peace, but one alone can decide to go to war.

[–]AustralianArm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The research shows that kids from amicable divorces with caring parents turn out just fine. Stick them in the middle of a warzone and it's a different story.

Kinda unsurprising, really.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Around 50% of western kids are forced to deal with divorce. It is either that or a long miserable life for you, your ex and maybe the kids. Humans are not monogamous, just put your kids first. Try and be friends with the ex if that is possible but do not open the door for a reconciliation.

[–]JudgeDoom690 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm sorry to read you're going through this.

Any good pointers on post-divorce parenting are welcome

There is a free online co-parenting class at:

http://www.uptoparents.org

There are plenty of good tips in there geared toward minimizing the trauma to children during a separation or divorce.

I'm not proud of it, but seeing what it did to my daughter wrecked me mentally.

Agreed, this is the very worst moment in the process. The good news is that you are past that now.

I might have to swallow my pride and consider finding a therapist to deal with this myself

Do it. I found this to be very helpful. A good therapist will ask the right questions to make you stop and look at yourself. It can only help you.

Gym time was one highlight in the past weeks, 3x a week, every week, sticking to the schedule to the minute.

Keep it up, you'll be ready when it's time to Next the frigid bitch and upgrade to something much better.

[–]straius0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy

I see a lot of red flags in your post about

1) Your preparedness and commitment to divorce.

2) Properly integrating RP tools to diagnose your inputs.

Didn't you just post last week looking for input on how to break that cycle? Or am I combining two different people's posts in my head? If not, it's only been a week. You can't even have tested much yet.

This feels like a move born of frustration and just throwing it away from an emotional place instead of a calculated decision.

Obviously, I can't tell you what the right move is, but I will say what I read sounded like someone who angry and frustrated and feeling trapped deciding to burn it down because you think you're cornered.

If you go through with it, godspeed, be decisive. Know what you want.

Unless there's a strong legal strategy behind it, do not separate. She gains advantage, you gain nothing. Sure as shit she won't be the one to volunteer to leave the house and kids.

All I see separation do is give her time and additional motive to fuck around or branch swing. Pay heed to others advising that. Once you're separated, there's no reason for her to put faith or hope in things magically "working out."

[–]crimson_chris1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

Remember your value. Man = Commitment. Woman = Sex. With a separation she still has your commitment while she explores if she wants to fuck other guys. Seems like a bad situation for you.

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

Man = Commitment Woman = Sex

This is a main tenet of RP, and I agree with it, but after you're married they've got the Commitment while they still weaponize Sex. Feels like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. All our leverage is literally gone. I don't know wtf to do.

I guess time/attention = commitment but it doesn't feel the same.

[–]Alphaphux1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Commitment = no ability to next, giving too many fucks.

If you could trade her in for a younger model easily and you don’t give a fuck about her shit you are displaying that you only have commitment while she plays her part. You are there because you want to be there not because you feel obligated to honor some bullshjt contract. Internalize DGAF and she will pick up on it

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I see what you're saying. I'm pretty high on the DGAF scale. But she probably doesn't believe I can/will move on or do better than her. That's what I need to change. But I'm still pretty early into this so trying to take it slow and be patient. Maybe I'm going too slow. But I don't wanna go Rambo.

[–]straius1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

The only too slow is not progressing at all.

Other than that, don't force it, it's not a race. Just be consistent. Consistently making improvements will take you a long long way after a year if you just stay consistent.

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Someone posted a Stan Efferding video on one of my replies and the vid he mentioned Consistency as very important. Could have been you lol but I don't remember and won't look it up right now.

I've probably been inconsistent on kino cause of our talks. She responded, then shut down, then we had talks, and no sex, and then and then and then... So I gave up on kino/sex/initiating until I have a six pack. Everything else (frame, cocky & funny, being a fun guy) always came naturally so that has been consistent. Going to maintain all of that. Consistently consistent.

[–]straius0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Eh, everything's messy until you're a practiced hand no matter what area of life you apply that to.

There were weeks where I wouldn't initiate cause I was just disgusted with her. Things don't see/saw much anymore though, even if an issue arises.

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm there now. She Weaponized Sex. Then recently Weaponized Kid. She's just Evil and I don't wanna see her right now, let alone reward her with my dick.

But I'm in this for the long haul and I'm gonna turn it around.

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Taking me a long time for this to become a natural thought process for me, but that is where Dread comes in. Be awesome for yourself, but being awesome produces Dread that you may leave her. That is your leverage.

Sex is pretty easy for a woman to get. Commitment from a quality man is not.

[–]straius0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Having hobbies and a social circle that takes you out of the house is an important component of passive dread. Demonstrating independence is what reduces her certainty you'd never leave. Having belief in you as an independent person who happens to CHOOSE being in the relationship, who could just as happily exist without it, is where you want to be.

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I do have hobbies, and a very large social circle. I think the problem is I've invited her into these circles before MRP.

For instance, I play softball in two leagues. "I want to go to your games!" I let her come. My friends have shit. "Can I come?"

She literally has no friends other than me and the baby. I'm such a bitch for feeling bad for her. If I don't take her out, she has NOTHING to do. All her friends live out of state, or they fell out over the years. I need to fix this somehow...

[–]straius1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Can't fix that for her. She just needs to make her own friends. Had an ex like that, excuses out the ass, would cancel on ppl all the time, not make an effort then complain she didn't have a lot of friends.

It's always your prerogative to go solo. Just let your desire be the guiding principle there. Suck it up and let her be upset if you really would rather do something solo.

That's where your independence lies.

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Appreciate the advice. Your ex sounds just like my wife.

Thing I've been fighting back like a herd of zombies is her inviting herself to shit. I realized the way I was phrasing it was open ended. Now she has to ask to come instead of saying "OK that's fun, I'm there."

Was too much of a bitch to say no before but NMMNG has taught me differently.

[–]Wolveryn-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Ok what precisely is the definition of 'weaponised sex' ? Anyone?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

One time of "I am tired tonight, let's put it off to tomorrow" is normal and fine. Night after night of "I am tired" and "I am not feeling emotionally connected to you because you need to do XYZ first" followed the next night by "I am not feeling emotionally connected because you need to do ABC first" is NOT normal. It is extortion, and manipulation.

It is really nothing but a form of dishonest prostitution. I would start treating my wife like the filthy whore she is if she acted like this. Negotiate the price for BJ, what you have to do for a complete BJ, how much for P n V. She will get pissed and that is the time to laugh in her face. Don't make it clear what you are doing. She will get it and she might even begin to understand.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

i was going to tell you to google-fu; but google comes up with the "gay bomb" and sterilizing pollen . . . huh

see this link

now IMHO, a woman in a LTR withholding sex once in awhile in an otherwise sea of fuckery is not necessarily shit testing you because they're are many reasons she might not want to fuck RIGHT NOW.

basically, it is any woman that is OVERTLY extorting you for goods/services/feelz in exchange for sex.



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