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FR: A main event that needed to be had.

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November 27, 2017
8 upvotes

TLDR: Wife has been a bitch lately. I STFU about it for days before a main event kicked off. I held my frame and she folded like a deck of cards. It was definitely worth while.

I post quite a lot so there’s a fair bit of background if you really want it all. The summary though is that I swallowed the pill a year ago. I saw big successes 9 months in, but the wife needed to go back to her home country for 5 weeks. Regrettably, I showed signs of being weak, lonely and dependent. Low and behold upon her return she was back to her old disrespectful ways and she was back to not being attracted to me anymore. My fault I know.

The first was her huge blow up over me turning off the air conditioner in my house – I victim puked about it here. The second was her silent treatment going on 4 days because I didn’t like a pet name she insisted on (I OYS commented about it). By the 4th day of her stone cold silent treatment, I was growing frustrated. (boohoo I know), but I didn’t show any sign of it, I carried on OMS and keeping busy. I considered at times just telling her I am done with her, I wasn’t getting any value from her, she was either being a bitch or giving me the silent treatment. She hadn’t uttered a word to me in 4 days when this happened:

It was my monthly rostered day off from work coming up, she still had to work. She literally works across the road and 300 metres up. Literally a 3 minute walk. She drives our one personal car to work (I don’t know why, laziness I guess. I have a semi work vehicle which I leave at work on weekends. As it was my rostered day off the next day I thought I would go fishing.

ME: “Can you walk to work please tomorrow, I want to take the car fishing.”

SO: “You can walk to my work and get it.”

I STFU for a minute. I knew this was going to erupt the volcano. But I was literally done with being treated like this.

ME calmly: “Actually no, I need to pack fishing gear, you can walk.” As I grab the keys and put them in my pocket and walk off.

SO screams: “How fucking dare you, you can’t just go and change everything because you have the day off work”.

Me holding frame: “I’m just taking my car fishing in the morning, you can walk 2 minutes to work”.

SO: Hysteria, Scream, shout, shout, scream.

Me: Broken record, calmly.

SO: “I am done with this, I am leaving you.”

ME: “If that’s what you need to do, go for it. You know where the airport is, I’ll even buy you the ticket”. (She’s in the country on a marriage visa).

This was her old go to weapon (threats of divorce). It wasn’t going to work anymore. I was sick of her shit lately, and I felt I deserve better. Her attitude started to change, she switched from shouting to straight out loud sobbing. This was the only difficult point for me, I hate seeing her sobbing because I could see how upset she was. But I just sat there, not doing or saying anything. She sobbed and cried loudly for a few minutes.

SO through her tears: “Why are you being like this, is there any other reason?”.

ME: “I just want to take my car fishing in the morning. If you are going to leave me then I’m ok with that, I feel I deserve and could get better than you.”

SO through her sobbing: “Please just tell me if there’s someone else or if there’s any other reasons.”

She came and grabbed me and hugged me, balling her eyes out, clinging to me, and kept asking if I still loved her or if there was someone else.

End of story. I caught fish the next day. She has been on her absolute best behavior since. Sex twice over the weekend, constantly showing and giving me physical attention. Made me slow cooked ribs and even watched sport with me (never happened before). Completely upbeat and happy mood. I’m so glad I stood up to her shit.


Post Information
Title FR: A main event that needed to be had.
Author classicthrowaway86
Upvotes 8
Comments 29
Date 27 November 2017 02:39 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205120
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7frxpn/fr_a_main_event_that_needed_to_be_had/
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Comments

[–]BobbyPeru24 points25 points  (8 children) | Copy

She came and grabbed me and hugged me, balling her eyes out, clinging to me, and kept asking if I still loved her or if there was someone else.

Sounds like she was terrified of leaving the country

What happens when she gets citizenship? Chew on that for a bit.

[–]AustralianArm6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's a real mindfuck you've lobbed on him, Bob.

A much needed one.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This 1000%.

OP, stop DEERing for a minute and pay attention. Do you know how many women pre-marriage will be on their "best behavior" up until they have the guy hooked, then the shit show starts? (if you don't know this, WTF, get to reading). Your LTR's deal is this X10. She needs you for citizenship, and she STILL acts like a bitch before she gets the cheese. You need to take a hard look at where your relationship is headed.

[–]Mildly_Sociopathic2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now's the time to check if she hasn't poked any holes in the condoms

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

SO through her sobbing: “Please just tell me if there’s someone else or if there’s any other reasons.”

Do you understand that your LTR can't see how you could possibly stand up for yourself, even the least little bit like you did here, unless you were being manipulated by another woman? She has had you by the balls for so long, the idea of you taking them back all by yourself, is not even on her radar.

u/BobbyPeru hits a home run on the visa fear. At this point she is not afraid of you, she is afraid of losing the visa. She is afraid you are being run over by another woman, or for some other reason.

You are "glad I stood up to her shit". If you view this a a one time solution, you will be surprised when she comes back at you to regain control.

All this to say, you are off to a good start, but realize your situation and how she views you. Only then can you be prepared for more gains, assuming you are going to stay with this lazy entitled little shrew that threatens divorce to control you.

[–]hystericalbonding4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I just want to take my car fishing in the morning. If you are going to leave me then I’m ok with that

We often make the teenager reference with women behaving badly, but you've been dealing with toddler shit.

I’m so glad I stood up to her shit.

Cool and collected, in your frame, no fighting. Well done.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

+1

don't cave and get all bluepill like you have won

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

End of story. I caught fish the next day.

You think this is the "main event"?

I mean, congratulations, you stood up to her. You threatened to nuke the marriage and have her deported. That's one point in your column, but seriously, for what -- so that you could go fishing? What really did you win here, apart from some a few days or weeks of coerced sex and affection?

Do you see what I'm asking? You say you swallowed the pill a year ago, but I don't think you've actually internalized anything. Great, you picked up some RP terminology and tried to become Alpha overnight. You've described your situation as some recurring battle of wills, where you seem to come to loggerheads over the most trivial things. You're not swatting down shit tests, but trying to Chuck Norris your way through them.

I'm not saying that you should run away from confrontation, but the fact that this keeps happening indicates that you really haven't established your own frame -- you're just fighting each battle on its own terms.

What is your ultimate goal here?

If it's just to get rid of her, then set the terms and do it. Buy the fucking airline ticket, call your lawyer, and have the papers ready. But if it's to bring her into your frame, then you need to do more than "lay down the law". You need to start owning your shit. And not just a couple weeks of posts on the thread, but 6 months of hard dread. Lifting and personal care should be your new normal, and WISNIFG should be at the top of your reading list. And some J10 wisdom for good measure.

Stop measuring yourself by her responses (or silent treatment), but by the concrete progress you make. Stop treating everything as a confrontation, but work on AA/AM/DNGAF -- no matter how much of a bitch she's being. Because this cycle won't stop (and she won't ever respect you) until you have your own shit in a pile and demonstrated that you are actually worth respecting. Until then, you're no better than her -- making ultimatums and throwing out unenforceable boundaries.

Or you know, just hit the reset button on this marriage, send her packing, and move on. Because I'm sure, the problems you have now are all on her.

[–]creating_my_life5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

holy shit. she's just insane. seriously, you can't do any better than that?

I hate seeing her sobbing because I could see how upset she was.

Once you realize the tears are just negotiating, you won't even be phased any more.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

holy shit. she's just insane.

She's not insane, she's just mirroring him. The relationship is fucked up because he's tolerated this so long, and now he's turned the knob completely the other direction and started throwing out boundaries that he simply can't enforce. If I was her, I'd think he was the one who's gone mental.

And now he's played his trump card, the unspoken threat of deportation which is the only thing keeping her there at all... and just so he could avoid a 2 minute walk before going fishing?!? Great for him that it worked, but this isn't a long term strategy. This isn't a boundary, it's a 4 year old temper tantrum "I want I want I want".

[–]creating_my_life0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good clarification and insight. Thanks.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

SO: “I am done with this, I am leaving you.”

ME: “If that’s what you need to do, go for it. You know where the airport is, I’ll even buy you the ticket”. (She’s in the country on a marriage visa).

My wife came to me and was terrified I was going to leave her. This was no threat on my part, I was setting up and had pieces in motion. She came to me and asked what she could change in her behavior to keep me from doing what she knew was going to happen.

Your wife is negotiating desire with you like a stripper fakes interest for a $20 lap dance. Don't mistake fear and compliance for a genuine willingness to change.

When she comes to you and asks "How can I make this work?" or more importantly when she comes begging to show you how she adds value you know you've made a wholesale change.

 

I would solidify the progress you did make. One thing that hasn't been addressed is that this was bad behavior on your wifes part. She openly threatened you and tried to manipulate your behavior based on he thoughts that she is the prize. You need to make it clear that she cannot behave this way in the future.

Put her on notice. Buy a refundable one way plane ticket with a depart date a year from now. Go see a divorce lawyer and have papers drawn up (every man should know his exit point)

ME: “If that’s what you need to do, go for it. You know where the airport is, I’ll even buy you the ticket”. (She’s in the country on a marriage visa).

Here you talk too much.

Hand her the ticket and tell her, "I'm in the marriage. Are you in or out? If at anytime you're out, here's your ticket, no questions asked. But, if you ever bring up leaving again, that's your ticket. I don't need you. Sign these papers and you can be gone." Putting divorce papers and a ticket in front of her will show her how serious you are. More importantly you need to be able to actually pull the trigger.

You need to get to the point in your life where the emotions of a woman don't phase you and threats aren't taken lightly. If my wife said that, she'd be gone. period. Any mod or flaired guy it's the same thing, gone. I will celebrate my wife's joy, support her in her sorrow but damn if I have time for petty games.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Honestly, when reading this it sounds more like hysterical bonding and not you winning a main event. You say your wife is on her best behavior, but I don't think she is in your frame. It seems like this will continue until she actually comes inside your frame.

You won the battle but haven't won the war.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wait.

So, you want your own car , she threatens to leave. You say "kay"

she turns on water works.

let me give you a hint here.

She wants the car more than she wants you. She wants citizenship more than she wants the car.

How about, you take away the car. Take away the marriage as a citizenship assist, and see how she does with that.

better yet... and I do not know if its legally possible, dangle the idea of divorce but she still gets you to sponsor her citizenship. See if she prefers that to spending time with you.

Hilarity will surely ensue.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You did good for most part. But this woman seems insane and a drama queen, does she add any value to your life at all? Sex must be pornstar and she must be hot as fucks for you to put up with shit like that.

Women are prone to drama, but some are a lot more stable. Im now in a 2 year LTR who has given me ZERO drama so far. Zero entitlement. Zero bitchiness. I wouldnt even think this was possible a couple years ago given my relationships experience, its amazing what happens when you live life according to your own terms.

Also its very likely shes doing it for the visa like the others said.

I feel I deserve and could get better than you.

First thing, she gives zero fucks about your feels. Dont even mention stuff like that. And you dont deserve anything, as a man its up to you to go after what you want and put in the work necessary for it. This is the "im a nice decent guy so i deserve a nice decent woman" mentality, and its BP bullshit as you probably already noticed.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You did good for most part. But this woman seems insane and a drama queen

You think this was a successful interaction? All we've gotten is his side of the story, about how he's laid a boundary and how she overreacted. But he has (a) no frame to enforce any boundaries, (b) no capital to bring to the table except her green card, and (c) no plan for getting there. He's not winning anything, just escalating each interaction until she concedes or goes off to sulk.

If there's anyone bringing drama, it's him. She's only responding in kind to his threats and irrational behavior.

its amazing what happens when you live life according to your own terms.

He's got a long path before he gets there. Either he cuts this one free and starts from scratch, or he accepts that this situation is of his own making. Regardless, he needs to get his head on straight and start the hard work of becoming a man that people respect and follow.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Agree with /u/steelsharpenssteel here's why.

I feel I deserve and could get better than you

You feel? You don't know? And if you did it would be demonstrated you wouldn't have to tell her.

Can you walk to work please tomorrow,

please? No you tell her. "Hey I am taking the car tomorrow you should plan to walk."

SO through her tears: “Why are you being like this, is there any other reason?”.

This is the first crack in her frame. This blow up was likely her looking for teh Alpha she wants. IMO you found the boundary of what she wants. This is the level your Alpha. Keep this level and you should see marked improvement.

The main event? no. This was a threat. Main event is your call. Your decision and it's happening unless she changes HER course. Your girl just made an empty threat. You stood up to it, but like I said....that's the Alpha she is looking for. You can't back off that level now.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You feel? You don't know?

OP must have missed this.

[–]mrpthrowa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

you're gonna continue wielding that visa weapon, the moment she gets her visa she'll fuck you over I guarantee.



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