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Tip: puking never helps. Take ownership. Don't be a victim.

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November 20, 2017
17 upvotes

Another thing I learned is not to go cry (puke) to someone when things go wrong. Not your buddy, not the sub and certainly not your wife.

When something goes wrong get out a notepad and retrace the steps leading up to the bad event backwards. What precipitated it ? What did you want to happen ? Why didn't it happen ?

Don't ever blame someone else for something that didn't go your way. Everyone acts in their own best interests. Figure out what YOU needed to do to have the situation come out in your best interest. Next time it happens, do things differently.

Realize that you are being a victim when you complain. You are trying to evoke sympathy and get rescued when you complain. You are trying to shift the blame for the outcome away from yourself to someone else when you complain. NONE of these actions will help you learn and move forward.

The way to get out of victim mode is to generate options and then empower yourself to use them. Look at the event retrace on your notepad and come up with 3 to 5 things that could have been done differently to prevent the outcome. Once you've done that, reaffirm that you are strong enough, smart enough and capable enough to do things differently NEXT time.

Whenever you feel like a victim, assess the situation and take options. Don't look for sympathy, don't blame shift. Do this until it becomes second nature. Whenever you think "this sucks" or "poor me" or "that wasn't fair" start generating options. Get so you can do it in real time as a situation is unfolding.

As long as we remain in victim mode, we remain stuck. Puking just keeps us there. The sooner you start generating options, the sooner you empower yourself and start controlling your situation.


Post Information
Title Tip: puking never helps. Take ownership. Don't be a victim.
Author ImSteveMcQueen
Upvotes 17
Comments 15
Date 20 November 2017 11:39 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205143
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7edb3l/tip_puking_never_helps_take_ownership_dont_be_a/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy

I agree about the victim puke... but sometimes you have to throw things by your bros to brainstorm and get an outside opinion. This can be done without puking, but rather by taking an objective look at a situation.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Watch the dialog. If the bros say "shes being a bitch", they aren't helping you. The question you need to pose is "what are my options here" instead of "look at what she is doing, poor me".

If I needed a bros help, I'd come up with 3 or 4 options as a starting point and get their feedback on them instead of asking them to help me generate options.

There are 3 or 4 men that come to our gatherings and complain about their wives and the lack of sex in their relationship. Other men just chime in with sympathy. I've mentioned RP and sent links, but they can't be bothered to read. Or lift. These men stay in victim mode year after year. Nothing changes. In fact, things get worse.

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

There are 3 or 4 men that come to our gatherings and complain about their wives and the lack of sex in their relationship. Other men just chime in with sympathy. I've mentioned RP and sent links, but they can't be bothered to read. Or lift. These men stay in victim mode year after year. Nothing changes. In fact, things get worse.

I wouldn't bother with guys like this. You can't MRP guys. They have to want it. Choose your bros carefully.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can't MRP guys

Agree 100%

[–]Alphaphux1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I only offer advice if it’s asked for, otherwise I end up in a heated discussion about how it’s manipulation and misogyny and all the other blue pill rhetoric

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've mentioned RP and sent links, but they can't be bothered to read. Or lift.

Mention RP and set links ONCE. If they come back with the same problems, they are attempting to sink into victimhood again. If you repeat the links or to lift, you are simply enabling their victimhood. The mere fact that you are throwing solutions at them gives them the "I'm the victim, someone is trying to help me" chemical rush.

Instead, when they come back a second time with the same problem, put them to task. "Did you take the advice I gave last time? No? Well at some point you're going to have to put up or shut up." It'll probably make them mad because now they have to act instead of receiving. Good. Let them get mad.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Like all those subs that value feelings over fixing... it just becomes a massive circlejerking echo chamber where nothing gets resolved.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Like most counselling sessions too. If the counsellor focuses on "communication" and won't name things and assign responsibility for change, it is all just victims complaining to each other.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

When something goes wrong get out a notepad and retrace the steps leading up to the bad event backwards.

Stoney once talked about continuing to ask "why" until you got to the root cause. I have found that when I'm stuck, then getting to a place where I can let my mind completely attack the problem without any distractions really helps. Whether that be going for a run, or taking the dog out to walk at night. I can simply keep asking myself questions out loud and answering them until I get to the root of the problem.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Man I am so fucking happy for you

I think it goes without saying that a lot of men need to learn to deal with their own thoughts and yes, it's very important to keep a lot of shit to themselves, all the while retracing steps that lead to the hell mistakes or decisions leading to the wrong result

Their really is no one out there that can fix shit for you. I learned this in wilderness survival training and being dropped for a test of the knowledge and action fitness aka "showtime "

We had some brutal fucking instructors that demanded we take part in all drills action and luckily for me, I learned in CPR training in high school to engage, making this just another drill, except I was alone. Alone, but confident and the days of being alone, truly hashed out my life. In reality, we are alone, and to be strong, it must be embraced, instead of running from it.

Ultimately as a leader, you are alone, and you will be held accountable, especially for shitty decisions and mistakes, further drilling in the idea of learning to become accountable to yourself, because there really is no one to blame but yourself

Unfortunately not a lot of men get this and what's a real travesty, is life in reality, is "show time"

Another post has a question about making plans on Monday before Thanksgiving and in reality, a know a whole lot of men that defer to their wives, when in fact they should have been thinking of it months in advance. planning for the worst and laying out ideas for the best

Hello, this is "Show Time"

Nice work, OP, Just keep the rubber side down and foot on the gas

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Man I am so fucking happy for you

Thanks.

[–]gtr3040 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is excellent. To some this may be common sense. Unfortunately it was not for me. Thank you for sharing.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My pleasure to give something back. Have a good journey.

[–]black_second_coming0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The one point I disagree with is telling your buddy. I have a friend who I talk to about everything, good and bad. We aren't looking for sympathy or validation, we debrief each other so we can analyze where our mission fell apart. Then we discuss alternative actions that could have been taken and their likely outcomes.

He and I are on similar paths but we have different ideas, perspectives, and skillsets which compliment each other's action plans.

[–]albus_scirocco-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think there's two pukes:

"Man, look at all the shit that's happening to me, I need some commiseration."

"Man, look at how I fucked up, I have to acknowledge it and move forward."

The first is beta bitch speak, the second is healthy catharsis. Sometimes the most helpful thing to do is hear someone else say what you already know: "STFU, lift, OYS." Especially early in the journey.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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