Last night we lay in bed talking, and I tried to initiate sex. She seemed unexcited but not resistant. I still have trouble reading whether she's genuinely uninterested or just passively waiting for me to spark her interest.
As I escalated further, she started giving some signs that she was just enduring it. So I gave up the effort. I gave her a raspberry, and tried to lay down, but she stuck her head on my pillow, and said " you can't lay down, I've got my head here now," laughing.
So i thought, maybe i shouldn't give up so easily. She was already topless, so without saying much i went to remove her pants. She was laughing, but grabbed her pants to keep them on. I was laughing and continued pulling. She laughed and tickled me and said "stop it." That's something she often says when we're kidding around. I tickled her back a little and tried holding her down. She was laughing the whole time, said "stop it" a few more times, but i kept going. Eventually she stopped laughing and turned angry.
I let her go, she got out of bed, grabbed her pajamas and pillow, and went off to sleep on the couch.
- I'm an idiot.
- I've scared her.
- what the hell was i doing?
After a minute or two, i went to talk to her, feeling like an absolute asshole. House is dark, we can't see each other. I knelt down next to her and found her crying. I said, "hey, come here", tried to hug her, but she wasn't having it. She said, "go back to bed." I stayed, and over the next few minutes said these things:
- I've scared you.
- that's not what i meant to do.
- i apologize.
- that bed is always a safe place for you.
- can you accept my apology? (Yes)
- can you believe i wouldn't have hurt you? (Okay)
- come back to bed whenever you're ready.
- take your time.
I went back to bed and eventually slept.
Our daughter woke up later in the night and was sick in the bathroom. Oldest daughter came to get us and asked where mom was. I told her to go back to bed, and went to take care of the sick one.
I got her back in bed, then went and told my wife about it. I also asked her, "are you still mad at me?" No, she said. I went back to bed, and a few minutes later she came too, muttering under her breath, and slept almost falling off the edge of her side of the bed.
She and my daughters are still asleep. I'm up early to do some house work (bathtub caulking), but came here to write this.
I thought i was trying something new, but it chased her out of bed and made her cry. I thought an apology was the best thing, but I don't want to be stuck in permanent silent apology mode for days and days.
How badly have i fucked up? What good options do i have to move forward from this?