The more I STFU with her the better life is with her?

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November 18, 2017

I'm probably undiagnosed ADHD-ish. I tend to be a bit more chatty than I should be and I'm making an effort to stop it (without resorting to drugs like Ritalin).

My wife probably has a bit of anxiety disorder and is very "trigger-able". It's amazing how any topic can become a cause for concern to her.

My solution has been to STFU around her. Strong-Silent type mode. I'm making a conscious effort to just not initiate conversation around her anymore unless neccessary. If an interesting topic or thought pops into my head I do NOT verbally bring it up anymore to make conversation. I stay silent and let the thought fade away. When she starts a conversation, I respond as little as possible within reason.

Married life has actually improved doing this. Anyone else?

Post Information
Title The more I STFU with her the better life is with her?
Author buildingbloch
Upvotes 7
Comments 24
Date 18 November 2017 01:54 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

The less you fail at interacting the less problems you have interacting? Why not just divorce and then you wouldnt have any of her problems at all?

There's good communication and there's bad communication. Bad is going to be you DLVing by telling her feelings, problems, and anything that makes it so you're not a strong competent captain. STFU is used because you are probably doing this much more than your conversation DHVing. When you get a grip on yourself and stop DLVing, STFU is not as recommended as a solution.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

Men want companionship, affection, love, and sex.

That is not what women want as your story shows.

The first Red Pill action I ever took was to resolve to stop calling my wife at work during the day. Now she calls me every day but I keep it short and businesslike. I find the shorter and ruder I am, the better she behaves later that day. Weird and frustrating. I just want cooperation and peace and a calm oasis to relax but that is not what marriage is these days. Marriage is a CONSTANT battle, jockeying for position, playing Dread games, pretending to NGAF and constantly reminding yourself that she can be replaced.

I know it sounds bleak- and I am sure TBP is going to have a field day with this but that's the truth of modern relationships. The henpecked, sexless husband who has given up is now the archteype.

I still talk to her at home but that is also fading because, like you, I have found that she really is not interested in a conversation and that we get along MUCH better when I basically ignore her and do my own thing.

The fact is, like most women she is only interested in babbling about her friends and family and my job is to shut the fuck up, provide occaional verbal support with a "yes dear" or a grunt, and to NOT interrupt or interject any thoughts into her free flow of ideas.

Increasingly I am finding it easier and easier to just pretend to listen and essentially disregard what she is saying. It no longer interests me to actively participate in something over which I have no genuine input or control so I just nod my head and go along with whatever and wherever her current prattles lead and then go do what I wanted to do in the first place. My suggestions are usually greeted with hostility- which might be too strong a word. More like dismissiveness. At some point, men give up.

It is just to hard to try to take the family to a restaurant and suddenly the choice is up for debate. Anything I choose is subject to debate and discussion. Anything she suggests is eagerly agreed too. So after a while of this, years and decades it becomes easier just to go eat by yourself where I choose and then later to just sit quietly while she and the kids eat where she chose.

I realize she doesn't want my input when we are having a "conversation." The word itself means different things to men and women. Women want a sounding board to spew out her emotions and sample them like a buffet while the man nonjudgmentally nods his head in agreement. Men want to have, you know, an actual conversation with give and take and discussion.

If there is a dispute, men want to reach a comprimise where everybody can be happy. Women want to WIN. I always say if one side is willing to commit violence to further their goals while the othe side just wants to get along, then the violent side ALWAYS wins. Always.

It's a strange game, professor. The only winning move it not to play.

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Marriage is a CONSTANT battle, jockeying for position, playing Dread games, pretending to NGAF and constantly reminding yourself that she can be replaced.

The harsh reality. It never ends, and half the time we are just faking it ("pretending to NGAF") in order to get by. It's actually good in a "might as well laugh as cry" way to hear the bleakness from a top MRP poster.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Women tend to have their stream of consciousness running externally... all the random thoughts, weird associations, rationalizations, etc. all tend to spill out of their mouths.

We all have that neverending internal stream going on, but as men we tend to not allow the verbal diarrhea. It stays internal. Think how absolutely annoying it would be if your wife could hear it and felt obligated to comment/solve/commiserate on every little brain fart. Unbelievably annoying, right?

So don't do that to her. Women want to know you're "paying attention" but they don't want every little radar blip analyzed and solved. Especially if you're both twitchy types...trigger trigger trigger.

And don't fall for the "what are you thinking" trap. They don't care - they just don't know why your stream is internal.

STFU, BTW, doesn't actually mean shut the fuck up. It means don't overshare or allow your mouth to run off with you, because they are both feminine traits that reduce attraction, and if you're actually sparring for "a win", you're actually WAY out of your depth as a new MRPer, so you simply don't have the tools yet to put up any semblance of a fight (women are master communicators and subcommunicators, don't even try beating them at their own game), so the only rational solution is to not fight at all, hence STFU.

But, it's a triage tactic. As a newbie, your job is to minimize further damage until you heal. STFU works but it is not the complete solution... far from it. keep it in the toolbox as a fallback go to, but don't rely on it. You'll find more appropriate tools as you continue to explore the toolbox.

Op, congrats. Keep grinding. But don't forget fun. As men, when we discover an obstacle, we tend to put our heads down and grit our teeth and push through. But remember no crew will stay aboard if every voyage is a sufferfest. A few sprinkles of happy go a long way.

[–]capn_barnacles0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

+1 for the War Games reference.

[–]bigtuna452 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sounds pretty awful man - you can't even open your mouth around her?

I mean yeah stfu if you're reinforcing your frame or something but a good marriage is not one where you are mute.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This actually made alot of sense. No need to be autistic. Converse with your wife, and when she is displaying unwanted behaviors proceed to shut the fuck up.

[–]MAGAManARFARF0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It’s unfortunate how many rp men feel they cannot/should not control conversation in the marriage. The “strong silent type” is a crutch for those who don’t want to really be captains and improve their wives.

[–]Alphaphux1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Just don’t turn it into brooding or perceived butthurt

It makes sense - kids bang on about every thing that pops into their head, philosophers watch and observe without saying anything

[–]Marcus_Aurtrillius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

STFU to me means STFU during Shit Tests, when I'm in a bad mood, etc. Don't be whiny and complainy.

If my wife brings up football, I'm gonna talk football. If she brings up any manner of other interesting subjects, I'm gonna talk about em.

I think you missed the meaning of STFU.

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Anxiety and shitty comfort tests. Read the whole thread.

Stoicism doesn't mean what you think it means. At its core is the idea of turning lemons into lemonade. It doesn't mean silence or inaction. It's a philosophy.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt, but STFU in the red pill doesn't mean absolute silence. There are many good posts on this.

[–]_degenerate_2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

You mean you barely scratched the surface of the sidebar, grasped at the simplest, easiest to digest recommendation, and saw a flicker of positive results?


No, no one else can relate. All those tools in the toolbox are just intellectual masturbation, there's no history of results.


Get to work, you have no idea how far you can go. I sincerely hope you look back on this post in a year and laugh.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

STFU doesnt mean you have to be mute

Just dont engage when she is "triggered", responding to womanese logic, and dont DEER. Keep it light, playful, be witty, tease her, dont try to use logic to respond to shit tests, and dont enter her frame and you should be good.

[–]TRPIronJohn0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you do have ADHD, there are very specific effects it has on a marriage. There's a common pattern which your situation seems to describe.

1) Get a diagnosis. 2) If you have ADHD, read "is if you, me, or adult ADD," and "ADHD effect on marriage." Both are on audible if you don't have time to read. 3) get treatment, both medication and behavioral change.

This will improve your life beyond your marriage and ties in with OYS. Most of what you read will fit just fine with TRP.

ADHD, if you do have it, adds some highly predictable stresses on a marriage.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's a start, keep going.

[–]JudgeDoom690 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

wife probably has a bit of anxiety disorder and is very "trigger-able".

I'd suggest you read "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Jerold J. Kreisman MD.

This will explain why your wife acts that way, and how you can best interact with her.

Giving her the silent treatment might reduce the frequency and severity of her "episodes", but you will continue to grow apart, which isn't the objective here.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Married life has actually improved doing this. Anyone else?

Yes. Me. The others have provided all the answers. But I did this to. Just stop talking, like you say. You are talking your thoughts, not sensible chosen words. For me it led to arguments and confusion, boredom and stop listening.

Now my words are more meaningful. Read the books, you will see she cares not for your thoughts and feelings.

However, ditch the not talking when she starts it. Just talk less. And read u/Rian_stone s blog called power games. It's helpful

[–]CrippleSlap0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If an interesting topic or thought pops into my head I do NOT verbally bring it up anymore to make conversation. I stay silent and let the thought fade away.

Wow. You sound like a joy to be around. No thanks.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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