'to Pity Fuck' or 'not to Pity Fuck'?

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November 9, 2017

As some of you may remember, my world got turned upside down 2 months ago when my newborn son died after 36 days because of an aggressive brain tumor. We are trying to pick up our lives again step by step.


As you can imagine, dealing with the death of our son is difficult, maybe even more so for my LTR than for me. As was recommended in Shitty Comfort Test, I am her oak whenever she breaks down and I am there to comfort her. And as you can also imagine, sex has been absent (too) low this past two months... I understand she is not yet ready to get humped again so I give her her space. Flirting and kino is still present, she does not recoil from me touching her but sex is still impossible for her.

This morning, however, she clearly got herself ready to pity fuck me: "I know you need your sex and it is not fair of me to deny you. We still have 15 minutes before the kids wake so you can go ahead and fuck me". Needless to say I was not aroused (a little butthurt) and not in the mood at all. Luckily? our daughter saved me by waking right after my LTR speaking so I did not have to respond..


How should we (not specifically me in my rather unique? situation) react to a pity fuck? I would rather not get my dick wet after 'getting permission because she has to' because I deserve better than that. But I would love to hear your opinions on this...

Post Information
Title 'to Pity Fuck' or 'not to Pity Fuck'?
Author SimilarSalvation
Upvotes 12
Comments 44
Date 09 November 2017 12:05 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205186
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7bsvzi/to_pity_fuck_or_not_to_pity_fuck/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
butthurtkinolong term relationshipcomfort test

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy

The rules are on hold for now. No Dread. Hear that? NO dread. Pause for now.

Still improve yourself. Be The Oak.

Your girl clearly knows. She is acknowledging the facts BUT only you know what the situation is. This isn't starfish nor caveman time. She's doing what she can given her emotional and likely physical status. She's looking for that physical connection as well. She's reaching out.

Remember...women take rejection of sex far worse then men do. Decide accordingly.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep - you don't want to condition your wife that sex is bad.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your wife is experiencing a lot of grief, and if you could open her up you’d probably find a lot of guilt, too, which is one of the biggest components of grief. A woman had a baby die. She feels guilt, rational or not.

You are fucked up, too, but in different ways.

I buried a kid, too.

So, your wife will feel guilty about feeling any pleasure right now, but she wants to, and she NEEDS that release.

If that door opens again, step through and close it quietly behind you.

Start out slowly, and as she responds to you keep giving her more, staying one step ahead of her.

Give her...release.

[–]straius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agree whole heartedly. This may not have been that moment, but that moment is what he needs to be looking for.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

I know you need your sex and it is not fair of me to deny you. We still have 15 minutes before the kids wake so you can go ahead and fuck me

This is a GOOD wife. Even in her grief she is thinking of her husband. AT THE LEAST you should have taken her in your arms and comforted her. Then you guys could talk about...whatever pops up.

rather not get my dick wet after 'getting permission because she has to' because I deserve better than that

Rejecting your wife's sexual advances or shutting them down is the worst thing you can do right now. She threw herself out there thinking only of you and she get's rejected? I hope you can see how that could be damaging to a woman.

Also, both of you should go to grief therapy.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP this.

This is a connection pure and simple. Her and you. You should always take her up on this

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you are over analyzing this and making something that isn’t something, into something.

Very sorry for your loss. No parent should have to bury a child. All I can say is I hope you guys are doing some therapy for that loss.

You are making some pretty big assumptions about her state of mind. You “understand” she is not ready to be humped, well how do you know the female mind so well?

Does she want to be raw dog fucked and hair pulled? Probably not, my guess is though she would be fine with normal easy sex - comfort sex if you will.

She is clearly seeing your butthurt and you meed to fix that immediately. She is trying to please you and I think the pity fuck was a comfort test you failed. She is testing you out. Expect her to start shit testing because you are showing weak frame in a time where she will depend on you heavily.

You are playing a very dangerous mental game tying the loss of your child to sex. Stop that shit NOW.

Cut it out now. You still need to fuck. But save the leather and heels for January after a good round of grief counseling. And after you two have comfort fucked a few dozen times.

Next time you are alone go for the close. Today.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hard to say. Your situation has a lot of grief going on.

Couple schools of thought here. You could say no to any pity fuck - they mention this in Dread. Another school of thought is - always fuck your wife, even if it is a pity fuck.

Personally, and you have to read this correctly, there is still some grief going on - this is not the time for Dread. So I would say have sex with your wife, and get her tuned back into sex with you the next time she does that. Once things get back to a even keel you then can not put up with pity sex.

[–]Aaren_Augustine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My MIL died of cancer recently. Wife has been handling it like a fucking champ. It's useless ego to say pity fuck. And I don't think one shouldn't punish a wife for trying to keep things going in such a terrible time for your family.

As I see it, you gotta push everyone back into the realm of normal rather than continue a downward spiral. Its a constructive way to deal with grief.

[–]mrpthrowa9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

You know, she probably just wants to get fucked and you’re too tunnel visioned and involved to see through it. She may or may not be aware of this. It is your responsibility to break away from this rut and carry both you and her through this in a natural way.

You do this by being so awesome.

You keep saying you’re over this child situation. You may or may not be and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but don’t let your ego get in the way of realising that YOU actually are far too affected and held down by this than you think.

What’s clear to me is that if this is the case, you certainly are not in place to realise it and are instead concentrating on her, creating all sorts of covert contracts and unhealthy baggage through a grief situation. If she doesn’t see sex as a way out of the rut you failed. In a way you are using sex as a measuring stick to see whether you’re through it and you’re going about it mechanically

Concentrate on you

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You know, that's a very good point. Women don't want to be responsible for initiating sex particularly when they might be judged harshly. In this case the risk is that she comes on to hubby and he responds with "wtf is wrong with you our kid just died!". So she's found a way to externalize the decision to fuck for both herself and him by tossing it to the "ugh all men are gross fine let's do this I guess" hamster where neither of them have to take personal ownership of it. Clever girl.

Focus on what she does and not what she says. What she did was: ask for sex.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"I know you need your sex and it is not fair of me to deny you. We still have 15 minutes before the kids wake so you can go ahead and fuck me"

I would approach this by starting 15min of foreplay and being naked together. It's a great way to start the day.

[–]hystericalbonding2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

not in the mood at all

Then don't.

How should we (not specifically me in my rather unique? situation) react to a pity fuck?

Give fewer fucks about her motivation. She can be happy, angry, curious, or confused - it doesn't matter. If she's feeling something, then there's an opening. If you want to fuck, and she's DTF, then do it. If there's something else you'd rather do, then do that instead.

Physical intimacy can be an escape. The key is to do these things because you want to, not because they might lead to sex. No covert contract means not butthurt if your dick doesn't get wet. While it may not happen much during the grieving process, this attitude usually leads to more sex.

For your specific situation, /u/ReddJive and /u/matrixtospartanatLV have given great advice.

"I know you need your sex and it is not fair of me to deny you. We still have 15 minutes before the kids wake so you can go ahead and fuck me"

Why butthurt? It's not a personal attack. Agree and amplify that shit! Customize to your own sense of humor.

[–]crimson_chris1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

This summer my wife had hernia surgery (abdominal). It was a carryover issue from having our kids (5 and 8). The hernia had been causing a LOT of pain and that was compounded with some tipsy captian issues and a lot of resentment toward me. This summer was not a lot of fun.

After the surgery, she was cleared for sex after a week. I think we waited 4 weeks (and we had a two week dry spell before the surgery).

Needless to say, I had blue balls. I continued to comfort her, but by 6wks I wanted to fuck. At some point we had a conversation about it, and you can imagine how that went. So I did not apply more dread but I did start to withdrawing my time and attention.

I did not go Rambo, but I slowly started to scale back my availabiliey. A couple of days later she came to bed in a tank and panties (one way she initiates). I felt a little guilty, thinking "Okay, is she really ready". Once we got started, she was actually the more aggressive. I guess she forgot how sore her tummy was as she was grinding hard on my cock. I was trying to be gentle l, she was not.

After that, we went about week before trying sex again but now we are back on track. Sometimes the best thing you can do is fuck away the pain (in a healthy way with your SO). It's the combo of a good fuck and you being her oak that will most likely help you turn the corner. But, play that shit by ear. There is no cookie cutter way to get over losing a child.

And, sorry for your loss.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

A couple of days later she came to bed in a tank and panties (one way she initiates)

Is this a thing? Mine does this too. A particular outfit actually. Its covert in an overt kinda way.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, granny panties and a pad or a silk komono. Pretty sure all of them do this.

[–]L0git3x0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I really want a grilled cheese sandwich.. but it fell in the sand.

I can still eat this right guys? I mean it is still a grilled cheese.

Dunno my wife went through cancer early on. I thought roughing it out would work. It didnt. I even thought like the roleplay and escape of BDSM would help.


you know what helped. A Psychologist that talked it out of her and time. Time works wonders.

but sandy grilled cheese is never good.

[–]jigglydee0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What's your mission bud? Focus on that and don't (ever) make sex the mission.
Imagining myself in your situation, sex would be the last thing on my mind. Rather than that, it'd be my mission- continue with life, career, workout, hobby, but help nurture her behavior so that she gets back on track with life.
Kino would naturally occur from physically comforting her but not intended to have sex with her.
In other words, she should want to have sex, not be forced to have sex through pity.
The other side to this is, maybe you haven't picked up on the clues. If she's bringing up the topic, maybe she does want to fuck, but doesn't want to feel like she's the one initiating during such a period in life. it might seem 'wrong' to her.

[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's not pity sex so much as her emotions at odds and against each other.

She wants sex.

The problem is that sex leads to babies and then she's thinking about babies and babies make her sad right now so thinking about sex makes her sad. Additionally, post-partum deaths, miscarriages, and stillbirths seem to make women think they are themselves broken in some way. Sex is a reminder of all of that; and I kbnow you've been through some shit too, but I'll be blunt: sex, for her, has been a reminder of dead babies and her being a broken woman with a bad uterus or bad vagina or bad something.

But she wants sex.

More specifically, she wants you to show her sex that doesn't make her think about babies and that sex with you will help her move on. Sex following a thing like this is a cathartic moment for a woman: sex bookends the issue in her mind. She wants to be reminded that sex is a fun and bonding experience.

My recommendation: caveman her. Don't be rough, necessarily, but do have vigorous sex with her that shows that she is still sexually desired by you; she knows you are, but she wants you to prove it to her. Your DEVI assignments are:

  • D: dominate her only in that you are controlling the sex. Just be a caveman.
  • E: Emotion is already present. UNless she's a BPD, there's no need to ramp up emotion for her... she's already there. However, you can cajole the emotion to you by keeping eye contact, tell her how much you love her, tell her she's beautiful, etc. Take her emotions, and remold the energy into her wanting to escape it through you.
  • V: no need to vary anything. Caveman her missionary, finish, then hold her as she falls asleep on you.
  • I: keep the intensity to as much as is necessary. No need to escalate very far at this point: she's taking baby steps.

[–]MrSundance570 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Pity fuck? Hell yeah, go caveman on her! You both need it.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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