Nice guy married to someone who feels love from random acts of service, help me out here.

oak_water · 2017-10-20T18:10:19+00:00

Acts of service huh? Been reading 5 Love Languages?

That book actively instills covert contracts in its readers. And you're one example, and so was I. I utterly despise the book for that reason. Great concept, horrible execution.

Ditch the "I fill your love tank, you fill mine" mentality. And replace it with this one:

If I never receive praise, recognition, reward, or results from what I am considering doing, will it be worth it? Does it add intrinsic value to my life?

Yes, forget about her needs for a minute. Be selfish. Does completing acts of service enhance your life? There are things I do for my wife that add value to her life, and a happy wife adds value to my life, so I continue doing them. If she stopped being happy, I would no longer do them because there's no value to me.

This needs to be your mindset, at least for now until you can fine tune and adjust it later. It will help you start thinking about yourself for once.

She doesn't like it? Don't explain yourself. STFU with intelligence and keep doing what's best for you. She'll either see that you're taking care of yourself and that she should thus start taking care of herself. Or she'll implode or explode the marriage. Either way, you have progress.

[deleted] · 2017-10-20T21:02:23+00:00

u/matrixtospartanatLV

wrote out a step by step roadmap of how to unfuck yourself less than two weeks ago...

Here's your life for the next year.

P.S. Your ego is huge. Drop the butthurt tone, shut up, and realize you are the problem. Not wife's depression, not her "love language", not the fact that as a male our love language is getting blown in the kitchen on demand.

You've allowed your wife to stop contributing to the marriage in any way.

You have a shitty roommate who doesn't even pay rent. Doesn't matter. YOU CAN'T FIX HER.

You're here for a reason. The actions and attitudes that got you here are obviously not working for you. So, try something different.

The answer to all your issues is simple. Not easy, but simple.

Get to work.

You have much homework to do.

red-sfpplus · 2017-10-20T18:11:32+00:00

Your a self confessed nice guy married to a typical entitled woman.

Have you done any work other than this post? Like read a book, perhaps the one called No More Mr Nice Guy?

Next her? Why? WTF has she done wrong? Your the nice guy cuck who has no problem being taken advantage of time, and time again.

Read a book, do an ounce of work.

SteelToeShitKicker · 2017-10-20T18:29:11+00:00

If you were worth a damn, giving her a bag of skittles would count as an "act of service" to her.

Height / weight / How much do you squat?

rocknrollchuck · 2017-10-20T18:32:37+00:00

So I'm working on fixing my marriage

Fix yourself. Sidebar is that way ---------------------------->

Don't worry about fixing your marriage. Men fix themselves. Women fix relationships. It sounds counterintuitive to the new guys, but there have been enough success stories on here to prove without a doubt that it works.

Many times your marriage gets fixed too, but don't worry about that - focus on becoming the best you can be. Do you lift weights? If not, start today. Check out Stronglifts 5X5

bogeyd6 · 2017-10-20T18:58:40+00:00

This is pretty simple. Look at what she does, not what she says.

man_in_the_world · 2017-10-20T18:26:56+00:00

You could also call these acts of service. When I do these things, it's a covert contract and I expect to get something in return.

A true act of service is one you perform because you want to give value to someone else, with no expectation of return. Do not confuse your covert contracts with true acts of service.

How can I change my thinking to be able to show her love in the way she claims to feel it, while not building up nice guy resentment that she doesn't bring anything to the table, and requires me to or else she gets pissed?

You are a Type 2 Dysfunctional Captain of MRP, and you are asking us to tell you how to make yourself even more dysfunctional in that way. No. Read that post, read NMMNG, read the sidebar, and fix yourself; the instruction manual is all there.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2017-10-20T19:10:58+00:00

Stop being a nice guy.

dcapt46 · 2017-10-20T20:49:07+00:00

"I don't want to pick it without bettering myself first."

SO DON'T. Get your ass busy and better yourself.

What do her actions say? You bring her flowers and she doesn't really care but she wants random acts of kindness. Bullshit.

She wants a guy who is fit, good provider, takes care of stuff, leads, is social outside the home, dresses well.... and brings flowers. Become the guy who's doing all those other things and worry about the acts of kindness later.

thunderbeyond · 2017-10-20T20:59:14+00:00

How can I change my thinking to be able to show her love in the way she claims to feel it

And here is the problem. You're trying to change the way she feels.

If you've done any background on MRP you'll notice that we are about fixing the man. But you're trying to change how she perceives your servitude. You don't want to change your actions, you want her to think differently about them, i.e. appreciate you more.

It's not gonna happen. You've created a shitbox for yourself after [how many?] years of marriage where now she automatically expects you to do what she says. You've created a shitbox for yourself where she does nothing, and you do everything. You don't even get credit for doing these things, just attitude when you don't!

Do you feel resentment towards her now? Anger? Let's hope not - because all of that anger and resentment should be directed at yourself.

Here's an opportunity to realise that you can be charming, charismatic and helpful to others without needing their validation. Here's an opportunity to realise that you can change your actions so you aren't simply her errand-boy. Here's an opportunity to make yourself a better person, and if she lifts her effort - great! If not, who cares.

What are you going to do?

screechhater · 2017-10-20T22:28:02+00:00

Random acts of fucking bullshit

You are a fucking chump, she is depressed because you don't take care of yourself

Don't give me your rinse and repeat crybaby shit, go the fuck to work on yourself to be a top masculine specimen and you will see why she is depressed, she married a guy that looks in the mirror and believes what he sees is better than what it actually is

Fuck the languages of love

bigOlBeta · 2017-10-20T23:44:26+00:00

A turning point for me was getting so mad at my wife that I stopped caring about her. I stopped caring about her feelz and now she...chases

RPAlternate42 · 2017-10-21T00:39:02+00:00

Even before I found out what covert contracts were,co knew this book was garbage when I read it.

It's all "if I do this then she will do this."

And if each party tells the other, it basically says sex is strictly transactional, which makes her a whore, and you to a degree.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-10-21T03:06:00+00:00

1st sentence:

I'm probably going to come across as a butthurt nice guy

2nd sentence:

I am a textbook nice guy

LOL

I don't have worth in my romantic relationships if I don't do "nice" things for people.

So? Do them if that is what you want to do.

it's a covert contract and I expect to get something in return. When I don't get something in return, I build up resentment and usually end up saying something mean.

Nice guys aren't really "nice." There should be a book about how to get over 'nice guy syndrome' on the sidebar.

My wife claims to feel love from acts of service, but when she receives them, there are no observable changes in her behavior. She doesn't act happy.

Didn't you just acknowledge that expecting her to be happy is a COVERT CONTRACT. Are you clear that this is a covert contract? Let's be clear. This is a covert contract. Got it?

Do acts of service to make YOU happy. NOT to make HER happy.

when she DOESN'T receive them, she gets super pissed.

That is a valuable tool for you to use. The 12 stages of Dread walk you through how to use that tool (i.e. your time and attention).

married to a depressed person

married to a ~~depressed person~~ woman flailing around hoping her husband will lead her to a better place.

[deleted] · 2017-10-21T12:25:47+00:00

Less than 11 hrs post to delete.

fuckmrp · 2017-10-20T18:32:08+00:00

Is polishing turds a Mormon thing? I wonder what happens when you rub two turds together.

Title	Nice guy married to someone who feels love from random acts of service, help me out here.
Author
Upvotes	7
Comments	38
Date	20 October 2017 05:50 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/205256
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/77nryk/nice_guy_married_to_someone_who_feels_love_from/