I need to own my shit. If I am going to go all in on this I need to own it and stop lying to this board and myself. I am typing this shit out for one reason and one reason only.
I have been at MRP for 6 months and making vast improvements but I dont feel I can come to grips and actually move fully forward with the best version of myself until I can be honest with myself.
It was 1 year today that I found out that my wife cheated on me. This is a bit of info I have left out of all my OYS and FRs up until now. It has been hinted at by others but I could never type it out and admit it because I didn't want to hear "next the slut", "shes a whore" etc. These things I know and I wasn't in a place to hear them or deal with it.
This wasn't just a ONS, this was a physical affair that took place in a hotel regularly while I was at work and the kids were in school. I confronted her and I have read enough here to know I was getting maybe 1% of the truth and trickled to me only as I asked questions. I caught her by setting up a camera in the house and heard her conversations with the guy. So many red pill truths came out of her mouth it read like a FAQ of red pill definitions. I saw a lawyer but had oneitis too bad to pull the trigger. I did at least have the balls to set a couple boundaries after the fact. She admitted it, she sobbed for days and weeks, hysterical bonding ensued and then it didnt. I was angry and she fucked me enough to make me not angry and complacent again. Then when she knew I wasnt going to pull the trigger and I went back to my BP ways the sex stopped also. Reasons came in for why we weren't having sex. So in place of the sex my hamster took over and spun itself off the casing and out the fucking room. I did every form of OPSEC imaginable and knew what she was doing every second of every day. It was pathetic and a miserable existence. We saw a counselor, which predictably didn't work. The upside was this counselor was not red pill aware but believed in the captain/FO dynamic and was trying to not blame me for what happened but show me that me being a pussy and being a drunk captain is what lead to my wife doing what she did. The counselor perpetuated the trust issues my wife was having about me and like a dumb fuck I also initiated a 3 month no sex moratorium based on the exercise in NMMNG. This lead to a 9 month dead bedroom.
I blamed myself, I blamed other people but most of all I was angry. I had mountains of rage and resentment built up. I knew I was fucked up and I knew there was something wrong with me. I always felt like something was wrong but could never put words to it. Its what Rollo talks about when he refers to the Void men have in their lives like something is missing. I bought the Disney dream and everything that came with it. I was as much "go girrrrlll" as any other reader of Huffpost, but I always knew and believed guys were getting the short end of the stick. I was ashamed of my desires for sex and felt like a weight was on my chest when it came time to initiate with my wife. I was scared of her emotions. I was an emotional tampon. I had her on a pedestal and care took her in all aspects. I tried to fix her issues and lived in fear of losing her.
After 6 months of floundering around trying to make sense of what happened, wallowing in self pity, trying to "respark" the desire, not owning my shit and simply doing more of what got me to the same place 6 months earlier I picked up NMMNG. It hit home immediately and I re-read it right away. I signed up for one of Glovers online classes and through that someone hinted about "red pill" and reading The Rational Male. In April I started reading TRM and found MRP soon after.
Its been 6 months and that is only a couple steps in terms of the MRP marathon but the gains I have made in myself are amazing to me from where I was 6 months ago.
Where I was :
- Career Beta/Nice Guy/People Pleaser
- Cheated on my wife for validation from another woman.
- Would lie to my wife like a child because I was afraid of her emotions.
- Would try to control her because I lived in fear of her disapproval.
- Sought out validation from others in my job and life.
- Never owned my decisions or opinion. Would fold under pressure.
- Dug myself into the dark hole of obsessive OPSEC.
- Former collegiate athlete turned dad bod fat fuck.
- Covert contracts all over the place.
Where I am Now:
- Lifting 4 times a week.
- Stopped blaming others for my problems.
- Owning my shit around the house, job and life.
- Building abundance mentality and OI.
- Better relationship with my kids. I interact with them better and am teaching them to own their shit and become men.
- I feel better and look better then I have since my first son was born.
- I am not afraid of my wifes emotions.
- I do things for myself because I want to, not because I feel obligated to or out of fear of rejection.
I am not writing this looking for validation or feels. I made the choice to stay with my wife a year ago out of oneitis and for the kids. I choose to stay now because she adds value to my life in many ways besides sex and it is the best option I have that fits my life as I improve. I don't blame her for what she did, was it her decision to get fucked by another guy, totally. I also can not put all the blame on her for that however. I beat her down emotionally through cheating, lying and controlling. I own that now and will be a better person then that.
So where do I go from here? I have miles and miles ahead of me and it seems like more questions every day. 6 months is nothing in the long haul of MRP. Will I get divorced...maybe? I gave myself 18 months of solid 100% MRP change in myself and then reevaluate the situation. If my relationship hasnt improved then I am out. This is a solid statement. I am not afraid of walking away at this point but I won't delude myself into thinking it won't suck and my relationship with my kids wouldn't be impacted. I can already see improvements in my relationship but I have days I get anxiety and become untrusting. I work through it, I take it out on the weights, I meditate and I try to own my shit. Will I ever trust my wife again? Who knows, my guess is probably not. Will she cheat on me again? Maybe, maybe not. I can't control her, only how I react to it. The thing I do know now is that if she does, she will get caught, everyone does and I will walk away. That boundary has been set and she knows I am not bluffing on that.
The bottom line is the stay plan is the same as the go plan. I have my list of non-negotiable items in order for me to stay in my marriage and I am giving myself the time to make myself better so that I know at the end of the day I gave 110% before I cash out.