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Business with Wife

Reddit View
October 9, 2017
8 upvotes

So I have been awash in a sea of shit and comfort tests this weekend. my wife and I are early 30s, both work, and we have two businesses that we hope will take us to an early retirement. one business is more her passion project and one is more mine. pre rp we would work together on everything, but our businesses became an extension of her grabbing me by the balls and twisting. as I've been fixing myself, marriage has improved a lot. however now I'm at a point with the businesses where I just don't want to work with her. I don't want relevant briefings contingent on her feeling like I deserve them. I don't want to be told she will find a new business partner because she is upset I am calling from a Hooters in Panama city. I don't want money and charged personal feelings mixing.

I want her to do her business and be successful, and ask for my help as needed, and I want to run mine without her unless I want her opinion on something specific. however, she doesn't want to be left out of my enterprises, and she wants me involved in hers.

i am torn on this decision: Should I be rising to the level of leadership that would enable me to overcome the challenges of working with her for a stronger marriage? or if I have identified that I want to be separate in business simply because I want that facet of my life to be free of shit tests and emotions, so be it?


Post Information
Title Business with Wife
Author hankserrands
Upvotes 8
Comments 29
Date 09 October 2017 07:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205299
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/757j36/business_with_wife/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
leadershipshit testcomfort test
Comments

[–]SimilarSalvation10 points11 points  (5 children) | Copy

You own 2 businesses but you look to the internet for advice on how to run them? - owkey...

Let's tackle this good story

this post is about her, not about you

You are stuck in your personal and business development because you are unable afraid to tell your wife to mind her own business (pun intended). She is upset, she doesn't want to be left out and she wants me involved. And you, you don't know what you want :)

i am torn on this decision: is it because of <A> or <B>?

Why is this even relevant? You wrote what you want the outcome to be: I just don't want to work with her, so don't. Just tell her (don't explain) that you want to run separate businesses. If you really want to formulate excuses (don't) then mumble something about spreading the risks and/or consolidating business strategies but since you are an adult and a business leader; just tell her...

don't shit where you eat

But mainly this. Working together with you LTR is a recipe for disaster, especially if you own a business together. You will take resentments and disputes from home to the business, You will take stress and difficult decisions from the conference table to the dinner table...

  • working in separate businesses gives you the opportunity to hire a HB9 and up the dread with your wife..

[–]hankserrands[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

thanks. this is what i need to hear.

[–]RedPillPurple2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I would add to not even give a bullshit reason. All that does is give her the opportunity to find faults in the reasoning in an attempt to change OPs mind.

Not everything needs a reason. Often its cause emotion, not reason. You simply don't want to.

"Why?" There is no why. Its an emotion.

"Why the emotion?" I don't know, i'm not a neuroscientist.

[–]SimilarSalvation1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are right, of course.

But somehow I don't think this relationship is ready for full STFU-modus. The emotion is a good way out though, no real reason, no real argument, nothing to argue about AND something his wife can relate to :)

Why are you angry? - because, I don't know why...

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You own 2 businesses but you look to the internet for advice on how to run them?

He needs someone to rationalize his feeling that one business should be exclusively his and the other exclusively hers, instead of the current mixing. Then, when she challenges him, he can DEER more confidently.

don't shit where you eat

He eats at Hooters. Shitting on the plate would be an improvement.

[–]SimilarSalvation1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Then, when she challenges him, he can DEER more confidently.

Touché

He eats at Hooters. Shitting on the plate would be an improvement.

Cruel but true :D

[–]simbarlionRed Beret5 points6 points  (8 children) | Copy

I'll add one thing cause it is relevant to me. Your current business relationship sounds like you are an equal partnership with equal control.

But you now want to dominate her in your personal life.

How's that going to work out.

[–]hankserrands[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

something to consider

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It sounds like she's the dominant one in the business to me.

[–]hankserrands[S] -1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

when you say this and that it is relevant to you are you saying that you are going through something similar?

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Hi hank, its the concept of being partners in an equal way that I refer to. Nothing business related.

There is not as much content here on relationships built on an equal footing or "team" dynamic. Its much more drunk captain metamorphosis into leading captain.

In my relationship we defer to each other equally and interact on the same level. We were friends first (omg how beta). Its proving hard to kick her out of co-captaincy.

[–]hankserrands[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

that is really foundational. why I fell into RP is that historically I got into this relationship expecting cocaptaincy and teamwork but at some point after marriage I began to feel that acting for equivocacy was rarely reciprocated. my wife always vied for control but not magnanimously. it seemed that when I gave her deference it would frequently lead to emotional tyranny. she would have large anxiety about things getting done like she does with her business now. there wouldn't be a rational approach, just talk of feelings and accusations of inadequacy to me. so finding rp, all of the tenets appealed to me. I needed to make myself better, to become a better leader, because it dawned on me that she actually wants me to be the leader.

however, though things are better now, the rp life is still more of accepting responsibility than it is domination. I truly want her to be happy and to be successful. what I have to do is work to preempt problems both for her and for me, and do it with an apparent naturalness so that she and I both perceive that I am doing it out of foresight and responsibility, not because I am afraid of her being upset.

is this dominating her? yes, but it is graciously so and more the burden of taking responsibility than anything. the business thing is still a thorn in my side because it is impossible for me to take the level of leadership in her business that it is in our personal life, so the old dynamics of her getting frustrated at having to be leader resurface and the thing becomes an emotional dialog. I just don't have the time to take that leadership in addition to my job and my business stuff.

[–]hankserrands[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

When you say that "it is proving hard to kick her out of cocaptaincy", are you saying that you are trying to do so at this time, or that you couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't? Im just trying to understand your position.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes. I am trying to adopt more of a captain / first officer model. Its partly there already. But she also makes decisions that I accept / don't challenge for various reasons.

Think of co-workers vs boss / subordinate. I'm trying to move from the former to the latter.

[–]hankserrands[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

ok gotcha

[–]The_LitzRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

It is not about the business's.

It is about failed shit tests.

I don't want to be told she will find a new business partner because she is upset I am calling from a Hooters in Panama city. I don't want money and charged personal feelings mixing.

You are getting shit tested and pulled from your frame. Basically you are staring at the business as the problem but the real problem was you get shit tested and lose. You running the business on your own is a knee jerk reaction to her input.

Start passing her shit tests and the business issues will become irrelevant.

[–]hankserrands[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree. this is the problem and where I need to focus.

[–]number1233561 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't want to be told she will find a new business partner because she is upset I am calling from a Hooters in Panama city

WTF? Separate business and marriage. Maybe you should get a partner who can focus on business. If you call out of a Hooters it is damn important I guess.

I want her to do her business and be successful, and ask for my help as needed, and I want to run mine without her unless I want her opinion on something specific.

Do it and charge for your work as consultant.

however, she doesn't want to be left out of my enterprises, and she wants me involved in hers.

Do you own the business or does she?

i am torn on this decision

Between your frame and hers

[–]hankserrands[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

well one is an Amazon business and one is our growing real estate empire. the real estate egg is my premarital equity so logistically I can cut her out pretty easily. the Amazon thing is the product of her labor but both of our planning. she did most of the work while she was a sahm for 18 months after our youngest was born.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Read everything in the top posts on frame. You have none.

How do I know? You couldn't pass the "why are you at Hooters" shit test. Does she control where you eat and drink?

You were man enough to tell her you were at Hooters, but couldn't AA and AM and fog your way past the shit storm that followed.

She'll get a new partner? You should have had the dissolution papers ready to hand her.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This post is pretty identical to a post I saw about six months ago. What a coincidence that you have a brand new profile. Really, what you're asking is sidebar 101. I suggest you hit the side bar.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The big question is do you value the business or the marraige. Pick one.

Don't go Fucking crying to her about fixing Shit if you don't want her nosevup your ass.

If you start a business with her and you back off, what does say about you ?

But most of all, OYS and be a leader at home and office, and you can have both. Just not the way you are doing it currently

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Women wan to work towards consensus. Men want to work towards decisions.

I agree with /u/screechhater but your ultimate problem is that you are afraid to just move out with a decision even if she disagrees or hasn't been consulted.

I am betting this plays out in your marriage. I'll give you an example. couple years ago we need a new water tank. I was somewhere in the beginning of MRP.

ME: hey we need to get the water tank replaced. [i then laid out the plan cost, options for a couple new tanks and the one i saw as the right fit]

HER: well i think we need to talk about this.

ME: we are. do you see an issue I didn't foresee?

HER: well i see you just want me to go along with your decisions and be a good little wife. you're a fucking asshole.

women want to fully engage in every detail of everything. Sometimes you can allow them the moment to deep dive into emotions and feelings, and that's where your oak comes into play but when the decision is easy and pure fact, but you want your FO's thoughts...there's no time to sit an deliberate. Which is what my shrew will do. We could spend days on a simple decision if I allowed it. Even to this day she will bring up that fucking water tank as an example of not valuing her. Why Why why.....

To you it's a task. A thing to get done and move on with life. For them there's a deeper motivation that doesn't really exist.

You are no where near this point as /u/screechhater points out. You are deep in her frame concerned about what she will think.

[–]hankserrands[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

thanks as you know this comes close to hitting home. you are also very correct the concept of frame some days I have it on lock down some days it's rough. I'm walking this path and I'm getting better every week.

the bottom line is something like: wife is good. business is good. together they are frustrating for the reasons you highlight. God forbid I act without her consensus. sometimes it's "awe great hunny you fixed all that stuff you're so sexy" but if I make a small mistake it's "how the fuck dare you act so stupidly and recklessly without consulting me and reporting every step". or if she is feeling emotional then its "we are supposed to be partners! i feel betrayed!" I don't like the feeling like I'm beholden to her (and this is weak frame I know). I'd rather just do it without her. so the question is, is it better for me to keep this as a man space and just be the best husband and dad while I bring home the bacon without explaining how, or am I missing out by not taking the time to master the frame and leadership traits that would synthesize her into my entrepreneurial life.

this is not necessarily a newbie question, though as a newbie I am not representing it well and don't have advanced nuance. I think there is grey area. I think pushing her away until I am better with frame control and then slowly bringing her in is best.

I'm reminded of that hgtv couple with the blonde chick and the guy who just divorced. its probably a lot like that. he probably was constantly frustrated with her taking over business jobs and sentimentality putting her foot down. he appeared weak and probably butt hurt and she figured she was better without him. meanwhile he's pissed because she walks away thinking that she did everything despite him.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

you think a lot. Do you ever do anything?

[–]hankserrands[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

never

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

good story.

i want you to send me $10,000.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The mods are going to need to wet their beaks a little to allow this comment.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You'll have to make him a offer he can't refuse.



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